I’m sitting here doing anything rather than read torah. I know I will and that’s all. But still. It’s Thursday morning, it’s cold and I’m not here to do a blog. You can’t not write if you are a writer and so I have some scribblings. If you want, please click the following link.

During the drunk

What does this title mean? I don’t remember if I talked about it or not. Previously, I would use this two weeks as a period of great drunkenness. Literally I would agree that this is the time of year that I get shit-faced. I think there’s even a picture of me proudly in front of 36 bottles of vodka. You do the math baseball fan. That is a two-week holiday.

But whatever that meant and whatever I was trying to do and whatever I thought I achieved I don’t drink anymore. I just don’t like it and I don’t want it. And I don’t eat meat of course which you understand because I don’t like it and I don’t want it. And yes, I don’t really associate with my neighbors because I don’t like it and I don’t want it. I don’t care what you think in your mind the problem is, I just don’t physically enjoy your company and live with it. Change, don’t change, I don’t give a fuck. I just want a clean place to live. Let it be my little property to be free of poison for just a minute now and again. Let it be for this little town or this little region or the whole country just for shits and giggles. Why not?

I also need to make a quick announcement. I never asked anyone to kill themselves and put me in their wills. I’m not telling you not to do this but I’m not telling you to do this especially if I’ve never met you and you’re being influenced by something I might have said or did. Listen to me carefully. If you believe you wish to support me or anything that I do and you believe this is a good and prudent thing, just do it or send me a note and do it or if you really need my attention, you can tell me how much you are thinking of sending and ask my opinion. All of this is fair especially on a text level. I’m wicked fast producing text and understanding who I’m talking to so that would be cool for me as a compromise. But I never asked anyone to kill themselves for me. I have mentioned that sometimes people might think that death is better than life for various reasons that are actually factually true. But I didn’t say I wanted to make a business from this and I don’t want you to believe that you are being righteous by killing yourself and that in the afterlife you will be a good person. I would rather, if you really want to give me money, that you called me and said you want to do something really good and that you’re thinking of killing yourself and giving me the money after you die. I want you to do this. I want you to tell me that this is indeed your plan so I can tell you to stuff your money up your ass and to tell you that if you even try to do this I will make sure that that money goes to the place it is most wasted and useless. And besides it’ll probably go there anyway through probate. Fuck you very much for even thinking like this.

Rule number 10,643: do not wait for inherited money. There won’t be any so don’t wait for it. If you think the only reason for talking to someone is that they have money, please go see my friend Carl. Great guy. Truly a great guy.

Next, I’m not working. I guess I said that. I just can’t stop doing this. The boys in the ink factory say they are all shooting for the 8th.

Okay what else? Matzah rules. There are no other crackers. Every other cracker made on the planet is a cancer device. Kosher matzo and if you ain’t doing it, you just don’t live on planet Earth. If you can figure out how to make matzo, and really, it is just the quickest dough flattened to nothing and cooked as quickly as possible.

I go with hummus. Really any beans with some seeds and you’re done. You spread it on some matzo and then you put some cabbage on top of that. I’m giving away the business idea. It was the Kiss farewell. There’s a lot of Kiss in this. You think of business when you think of kiss and I’m sorry, this is the food.

But the problem of flavor fatigue kicks in and that’s where we go to the big guns. I did it. I couldn’t help it. It was Baba Nina. I took a jar of cherry jam. So now listen carefully. You just going to need some hot peppers. Grind it, toast it, give it an oil bath if you want and then jam it.

I mean look I’m just going to say this once just because I can. Because when you have it, you know you’ve got it. So I’m just imagining this moment where I am there with the ex-girlfriend and it’s just me and her except that she actually knows what’s going to happen. And she said what do you want to do tonight and I say we have two choices. First, we’re going to see Kiss. I got the tickets to end all tickets. Full access. And then she says that that might be cool. They are a little old for her but she could get into it. What would be the second choice.

I know you hate my digressions but I’m just going to pause this little tidbit for a moment to talk about Woody Allen. I know I have mentioned that I have been reading his scripts lately but it’s like the end of the world if you are like me. I’m not saying it is for everybody and I’m not saying that everybody can understand it I’m just saying that I can bloody well understand it and I love how deep it goes. I am mentioning this because I think Woody Allen would appreciate the story that I’m telling right now and even how I’m telling it. And I just want to make one note to Mr Alan. When you write your stories and a question comes up, you often do not put the question mark at the end of the sentence. Now that I am playing with the form, I understand that in a sense, it is not a question to be noted with a question mark but simply that a question was noted within an oral history, which would make it simply a sentence. I don’t know what’s right I only know that their requests that weren’t closed with a question mark and it was either a typo or it was intentional. Either way I love it.

The second thing we could do is just hang out here and eat this unbelievable hummus that just happens to be from chickpeas I grew myself on some matza with Valia’s kvasheni. If you’re feeling crazy, I’m saying we whip up some spicy cherry jam just for you and just for me. And then I can show you who Gene Simmons was when he was 25. Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!?!

And then after, we can settle in for the evening. Y’all can listen to Bach playing God of Thunder on a 40-year-old guitar. Or we can just catch all the YouTubes from all the pirates telling us all about the last kiss concert. I’m telling you baby, living the vegan life is living la Vita Loca. it’s a game changer. Because I think a little bird just reminded me of that time I disturbed my neighbors In a Polish youth hostel just by banging someone’s ass against the wall just to test the acoustics of the room again and again and again until the acoustic situation was crystal clear. You want to talk about hype? Baby, I was a New York City bike messenger set loose in paradise and I had my wheels with me. That’s right, I’m not track bike guy. Fixed, get it? Bomb proof. And built to last. I need your love baby oh so bad. You are not the only one I have ever had. And if you say you want to set me free, don’t you know you’ll be in misery. But even though I’m full of sin, in the end you will let me in. Baby it’s true there’s nothing you can do I need your loving and you know it’s true. So baby please, get on your knees. There are no bills there are no fees. Baby I know what your problem is and the first step of the cure is…what? A kiss! They call me Dr Love. I got the cure you’re thinking of. Call me Dr Love.

Which way you want to go. Fagots and harlots? Or maybe we just hang around the fire and tell the truth until we fall asleep. Ruth Stout.

Oh yeah, the fence fell down but we fixed it. And though I have not watched it yet this year, особенности национальный охоте might be the greatest film Russia ever produced. They are very kind to themselves and later the series explored exactly how catastrophic it is to have neighbors like the Europeans to remind them how disgusting they are. It’s an interesting trait I seem to follow quite willingly. What a culture! I’m not talking about the shame of living next to such well-dressed people, I’m talking about the pure visceral excitement of telling them to go fuck themselves. It’s a great film. Why does the fence and the film go together? I guess you have to be Belarusian to understand it.