The after party

I guess I’m just narrating it unless someone goes ahead and talks here. Rules of engagement. Fuck. Give me my fucking. Sorry. Sorry I coughed. I have to work on that. We have a lady in the room.

Everybody
Yes we do .

And so I guess would you please give me my font. I’m good? Thank you.

Shit. How do you start fresh? Okay. Philosophy 101. We spilled a Rorschach if you want to look at it that way. Everybody do the overview thing. Different font and

Okay maybe you get it. Hemingway said it took forever to hammer out a style. No, what he said was it took forever for him to hammer out a voice. That was the thing that was most important to him. And I guess I completely understand this. You wish to have a voice so that you could speak. In writing, for him and his choice was to write literature because it enabled him to tell the truth. And who actually could argue with that?

And what is the truth? I’ve got bing bongs in my head right now from this writing project but I am enjoying the living shit out of them. Some of them are real. Some of these bing bongs are living breathing human beings who are also experiencing bing bongs because I opened their car doors and whapped them in the face. And I don’t want to make it sound like I’m dedicating all of this to the country of Poland, the country of Russia, the country of Ukraine, all the countries in the world that matter to somebody. Did it really hurt? That’s the great question of the entire world. This didn’t come up in the trial and this whole thing is not only about me well fuck. Okay it seems to be only about me but maybe have a good enough story so it’s only about me and there you go.

But if we’re going to be legal eagles about this and not just suits, the question of crime is whether or not my intent was to commit harm. That is the basic question of jurisprudence. There is no question that someone threw a pretty good right and nailed it. No other way to say it. And one sentence, it did not knock him out. It might have concussed him but he did not leave the planet even for a second. The question of whether or not damage happened is okay. There was a traffic thing and a biker got angry and punched a motorist. I like those words and if anyone would like to grab any other perspective humanly possible from ground level or drone or Google maps or spy satellites or special information known only in bonkers, can anyone tell me that that was not a pretty good set of words to describe the situation?

So here’s my statement to the press, y’all. And by the way, jesup Georgia. Look me up, bitch. Y’all is real. Or at least I earned it and it comes out of me naturally so I stand by my y’all and that I called you a bitch.

And listen, there is a conversation going on in the room with some people from Britain who were really happy that I did what I did yada yada yada. I think the word fealty came up but I’m sure they are all just joking about that. Hahaha. But then we started getting in l… And did I tell you I actually had a conversation with Prince Charles a little while ago? The seriously. And the boys. They wanted to talk to me. I don’t talk about these things I’m sorry. I’m just dealing with it. What am I talking about? I don’t want to get lost but this is what happens. I just start going kablooey. I’m like a blogger trying to keep a simple subject going but it’s more like Terry b. I think if I were to pick someone that was close to my voice it would be Terry b. And maybe I’m saying this because I actually have YouTube’s out there where I am trying to speak clever thoughts while riding a bicycle. And really, listen carefully, that was a stunt at the time. And really, I was really into stunts at that time in my life. But then it seems something happened and the vegan bell took over and things just started to change. They had to. It was just too unhealthy. It was too much noise. It was too much auto fumes. It was too many screaming people and it’s really sucky to be a vegan and have to walk through, well, the opening shots of paradise. peak hours in the summer or the winter when that haze is on the ground. I’m not even exaggerating. It’s like it’s here already. And when I wrote that thing and 2010, I wrote it with a couple of kids and we were all pretty optimistic. Maybe they were more pessimistic than me but we put together a pretty good story between us and we actually were happy with ourselves that it was science fiction. We were happy with ourselves that the quality of Earth at the beginning of that story was way in the future. I think we gave a couple hundred years or something like that for this shit to happen. That I think was the big reminder. I think I wanted to say that if you guys don’t calm down, it’s going to be like this and this amount of time if we’re lucky. And I’m talking pure carnage nobody gives a shit about anybody people getting killed in the street for nothing like the return of the Nazis on steroids and well there you go. Go fuck a laka laka laka laka laka fucka laka fuckalaka fuckalucka it’s just like the Russians. Fuck a lack of fuck a lucka fuckalucka tell me how it’s not like the Russians. Fuck fuck fuck a duck how is it not like the fucking Russians?

My point being, was it worth a year of my life? To give the Russians a head start on Belarus? To give the Americans and extra year to make sure that their infrastructure was in shape. Just an extra year to keep an asshole like me out of the works? Or was it just a fuck me up because I was Jewish? Or I was a traitor!?!?!?!?!? To whom? Do youm? To foster stolty? To the American embassy? To New York? To whom? I didn’t join the army. They decided not to draft me and I decided to say thank you. Does anybody have a problem with this? Was it not legal? Do you want a grandfather me? Did you change the steroid rules? Did you change the rules of personal choice? Did you pick and choose what personal freedoms people could have or could not have at any given moments or what particular age? Did we discern between sex or race or physical capacity? Did we talk about whether there were children involved or if there were diseases involved or what was the capacity of that individual to tolerate pressure from economic abuse and systemic abuse and racial abuse and child abuse and political abuse and abuse of power and abuse of power and abuse of power and abuse of power and abuse of power and abuse of power and abuse of power and abuse of power and abuse of power and abusive power and abuse of power. Debussy? Debussy, the word looks like pussy and Debussy is pussy and I have had pussy listening to Debussy.

I’m sorry, I enjoy my freedom. Fuck off. Dig it, I don’t really want Los Angeles. I hope you guys are not too offended. It’s part of my thing that I’m from San Francisco because I could do some San Francisco, if y’all know what I mean. But, it’s nothing really personal it’s just about corruption and I’m really tired of corruption on the planet Earth. I’m tired of writing about it and like my friend Greta says, I’m tired of smelling it. I’m tired of knowing that it’s there. I’d like a day without it. Late today. Like, it’s 2:12 p.m. if you really want to know and I’m late. I don’t really give a shit about the bread to be honest. It’s just wheat and it’s nice and frankly, I’m not even hungry anymore. I’m going to eat something because that’s what I do and we’re going to do everything in about 1 hour which is what I do and you know. Good Shabbos and I hope you guys are well and I’m glad you stopped by. And I hoped that everything is wavy gravy and lovely. And thank you for giving me some attention. The sex was exceptionally good. And just love feels good. Your love feels good. And this ain’t porno. This is love. This is humanity. There’s nothing else I could possibly be feeling.

And, let me make this perfectly clear, I’ve been thinking about the three ghosts in Charles Dickens and he, Scrooge, has these ghosts that come visit him and he believes for a moment it might be indigestion. This is what I’m thinking. Am I this fucking high right now because I chose to distance myself from my neighbors? Is simply bunkering myself in the warm room, which is built to my specs kind of, but it’s pretty silent. You can still feel the rumble of the engines, if you know what I mean. Like military tanks. And this is 3 years later and 5 million words or so.

But the thing is, a lot of people wonder why a tolerate it. I tolerated because at some level of understanding, I am infinitely cleaner air here than in town. So I get a plus. Actually I get a big plus because every time I look down, I can see that I have a plus. I am healthier. I physically do things during the day. I do a lot of problem solving and I have a lot of free time and I get a ton of rest and I make my own schedule and I eat when I want and I can measure my diet and even work against it etc etc etc etc. That’s all. I don’t think people can give this to you. I think you have to do it yourself. And it’s complicated to build a boat like this because it takes a long time, just like in the States, and it has a lot of component parts and a lot of economical fighting and a lot of pushing and shoving. Yeah, I actually could have done this 10 years ago and maybe I should have. But really I was feeling like a tourist the whole time. I knew I was home but everyone else kept telling me I was a tourist. Ain’t that a bitch. So I’m kind of hanging with the brothers now.

And all because I can’t stop hitting the dopamine button and I live in Belarus and hitting the dopamine button is illegal. We are only allowed to hate here. Cheers y’all

Okay? You guys good? Did everyone get enough? Anybody need anything else? You’re all good? Excellent.

Yeah right. I’m sorry. I just stepped out of the warm room and went into the kitchen, and I got to close this door because it’s cold out there, when I was in there I started hearing the sound of motors. I was thinking about my neighbors being particular bitches and such but then it just kept going. And I was thinking, which of my neighbors is just sitting there revving a motor again and again. That’s malicious. That’s like he’s calling me out for a fight or something. But then I went outside because, you know, I will at least assess the situation. But it wasn’t anyone here. It’s just sounded like a long long long long line of heavy trucks rolling along the highway right nearby here. That road heads south by the way. North and south if you want to check it out.

Appreciate y’all.

Damn! Jewish goodbyes. It’s about Barry Bonds. He told me the secret ingredient of his secret ingredient soup. It was a combination of my two heroes really. Dave Kingman and Pete Rose. The big guys really. But one of them choked up and the other guy grabbed it at the knob. Dan gladden came up as a giant and choked up and destroyed the world. 350 and some power. But then he hit that Grand slam and started grabbing it at the knob and you know what happened? It’s in the record. Mr Bonds, for good or for bad, choked up a little bit and still hit the living shit out of it. Try it sometime and see if you like baseball a little better.

Shabbos

Look, I appreciate y’all and we’re kind of getting started here and there’s a few too many people in the room if you get my meaning. But I don’t mind because we got some back slap and going on and you know. Once in a while. Every dog has his day. But it was just a thought about my neighbor.

The thing is that trees grow like pyramids. But if you snip the top, and yeah, kind of maybe sort of possibly perhaps in the neighborhood of thinking about circumcision, they grow the other way. And not only do they grow as an opposite pyramid, the opposite pyramid functionally serves the plant better and gives you more fruit.

What I was thinking of is that if my neighbor, both of them but I’m speaking specifically about the wife, if she should get on that caravan to Russia, I really thought about it and I do not think Uzbekistan wants them. I’m just taking a wild guess that that’s going to be a no but there’s enough gopnic white trash био мусор задолбал. I’m thinking Russia says they don’t give a shit and I’m hoping Belarus hears this. But that’s not the fantasy. The thing is, she’s like the queen of the cheese. She has established herself as royalty in the neighborhood. If we clip that bitch and send her packing, I can see the growth of four, five, six maybe even 7 women all vying for the place at the top of the pyramid. I’m just saying that as a single man and an agricultural expert. Sometimes you got to clip that bitch in order for things to be just exactly in the sweet spot. Cheers y’all.

They said there was no other way to do an addition to this unless I did it. This is all really illegal. That’s like true and metaphorical. Crazy huh? Trevor Bauer. Fuck. Okay, mamaccha was here and we had a nice talk. And we agreed that this 40-day vegan challenge is a real thing for anybody preparing for an athletic event such as a marathon. And yes, she is woke. You can’t come from San Francisco and not be woke.

And you know, I have conservatives screaming at me to say words. They like to change my mind from my original thought and it’s disturbing that they just disturb you. They never let you say what you want to say or think what you want to think they’re always put a little challenge in the aisle. And we talked about this. And then we talked about bicycling and I took her for a bike ride because I don’t know, it’s the best date I know. It’s the best date I’ve ever known. And there was a lot of people here. There were a lot of people here. It was like Playboy Mansion. But we talked a lot about bicycling and then we talked about bicycling in New York and then we got to this Utopian level of conversation about bicycles.

Like always, you have to be really careful of mistakes like those two words. Bicycling is difficult. It means going faster than a human being goes. Blah blah blah cars, you ride a bicycle and you are going faster than you can walk and most probably then you can run. And swimmers, you can track swimmers on a bike all day long. And if you can track swimmers all day long, you are a bicycle photographer like Terry b. Or me, and that’s kind of what this is all about because I’ve just done too much shit. Excuse my use of the English language correctly.

But then we just talked about trying not to make mistakes by doing a lot of bicycling. We came to the conclusion that there was some magic about super sizing something that was already good. We talked about veganism. There’s the elephant in the room. And yeah, hahaha, I’m a writer, you talking with an elephant about being a vegan and then she goes vegan and she looks back and she says I was a fucking elephant and then we laugh hahaha, yeah it’s in those boundaries like that. But, we talk about bicycling and veganism.

And then we got to talking about bicycling through New York and vegan editing. Been editing is something that is a concept and a game. You could play vegan editing rotation baseball is easily as anything. Vegan editing engineering. Vegan editing law. Vegan editing medicine. And then vegan editing politics. And I just want to tell you something about Kamala Yelp. Stop. Momochka on a bicycle. Now Mama can ride. She knows how to ride a bicycle. Okay. Put your hands in the air for a mama who can get on a bicycle and keep the thing rolling, okay? That’s right. You get it. You don’t have to automatically win the tour to fucking France to be respected for riding a bicycle, am I correct? So I am giving you my personal authority as I am saying this because even if I’m fucking lying she’s got 40 days and if the barbecue disappears y’all, we got ourselves a burning bush. That woman, yo man, I ain’t going to touch myself. I am not and I’m not even playing like you laugh at me what’s coming out of my mind I’m just going to sit here and do this and it’s not sexual I’m just going to give you a beautiful fucking picture. We do one of those Venus and a clamshell businesses and this is Kamala Harris vegan clean Don’t. Don’t touch yourself. Look. But what I’m saying is, what if that was mamajika? Are you at least proud? I mean maybe you’re thinking like Mom is going all over town. Mom has got business everywhere. Mama never slows down because she’s got to take care of us and feed us. And we have to be strong because mama has to be strong. But we are going to feed us someday and maybe we’re going to be strong enough to take care of Mama and maybe that’s a good way to go. That seems kind of natural actually. She pays us and then we pay her back.

That’s what I’m saying, this isn’t really sexual and I don’t even want to say the word spiritual because if I say the word spiritual then I go back to being a crazy person. And I am a crazy person because to people that do not speak or ride track bikes or play guitar or practice Judaism or just basically try to be good to the earth, you’re missing the point. Some of us are not just milk toast. I’m not sure about that…

Okay yo vegan editing time. You see how easy it is to fuck up. There’s just shit lying all over the place. Why don’t I have a problem with the word shit? Have you ever grown a potato? Not only potatoes yo.

So me and momochka were pedaling around New York together and we were practicing vegan editing. And vegan editing is where you take a look at a landscape and you say I like that but I don’t like that and then you just do some mystical bullshit, pick up a stick and say some words, yabba dabba doo, and you fix it. Now it might not be fixed in

Now, bicycling is hard work. Sometimes it’s not an easy road and sometimes the bike carries you but sometimes you carry the bike. I’ve got a million stories as you can imagine. But bicycling is a lot like writing this article because you have text and it works out to be technicals and mechanicals all the time. Like for example being able to say something like no let’s just make it an acronym. TNM yo. Is that okay? T&m yo. Technicals and mechanicals. Hey, what happened to you on the ride? I had a tea and m bro. What happened to you? I had a TM. Oh, technicals and mechanicals. You took a TM. That’s a bitch. How many TMs did you make. Well, we made a few and we actually got stuck but then we worked at it and we figured it out and then we could ride again. That’s the thing about TMs. You have to remember that it’s now but also in the future. And keep your bike clean.

So mommachka and I were cruising around New York and she was kind of happy that I could know exactly where I was in the landscape and she kind of like the way I was singing my way through. There’s a music to writing bicycles because you are doing a physical rhythm and you just flow with it and so you’re going through town and then there is the question of whether you are in the pace of the automobiles because we are not automobiles we are bicycles and we are sharing the road and there was even a moment in the video where we had to go up on the sidewalk and suddenly the evidence was there why Belarus is such a stupid mother fucking place because here we are riding bicycles at whatever speed bicycles go and we are surrounded by nice soft people and women pushing baby carriages and, you know, all of those people who like to be outside and take some fresh air because fresh air is important and bicyclist absolutely crave fresh air. Actually yeah.

A message to our brother, Brock Purdy, about the legacy of the San Francisco 49ers.

I really didn’t mean to have this be a bike ride but I guess it’s a bike ride. I need to stay serious here because I tend to get pushed. And maybe before we talk about momochka and the 40-day vegan challenge and what that will do to her body to get her ready ahead of time. And if that just happens to be a sexification process, I don’t mind. I’m talking to all of my buddies here hanging out and everybody’s like yeah baby. Take care of your health. Be all you can be. Go watch game changers twice. Put that in to your presidential package of things to consider on a daily basis. Like for example that time where we watched animal House like over and over and over. I wonder if you could just put game changers on your monitor because maybe you’re like a lot of people here anyway who just love having televisions running all the time. It keeps them from having thoughts and makes them believe they’re constantly in a crowd of people. They kind of like that feeling of being bumped and pushed. And I have written on buses next to pretty girls and come on man. I’m not a molester, she was. But I didn’t mind karma dig it? And it works miracles and y’all should think about that too while you scream about how evil it is that sexuality exists.

So we go riding and you know the blood starts going and you start thinking and we are vegan editing and there it is, the elephant in the room, this ride would be much better without the cars. Just do a Terry b ride and do it while you are you know whatever you were before if you need to have a starting point. If you say like today is the day I start the vegan challenge because I don’t want to be a pussy anymore and if I take this and then I go back to meet then I can say fuck you bro! What do you think man I did your challenge and now I’m back to meet hey I suck my dick hahaha. Cool. Enjoy your road. It’s not actually mine but enjoy your road. I will kill you if you try to physically harm me. I have killed. Many people have killed. If I have to do it again I will. If you touch me I might kill you. Ask Mom it’s good how we touch people. That wasn’t exactly what came out of my mind but that sentence works just fine.

Okay, let’s break the mood with a joke about shooting movies from bicycles. Terry b is awesome because he shoots movies from a bicycle. Yes, of course I’ve done this too. I’m sorry what do you want from me? I do physical things for fun and therefore I live a long time and my lifetime record is I’ve done a ton of shit. What do you want from me? I talk a lot and there it is I’m just peacocking all day and all night right? I am writing my memoirs dick head! What the fuck do you think this is?

But then we got on this concept of overriding. I told her about trying to have a bike relationship with my ex partner and that it pleased her to have the upper hand on me and then she just went Eddie Merckx on me every time.

TMs. TMs TMs TMs. Back on the bike. Italics bitch. Good morning. Slow.

So we were talking about the concept of dealing

Excuse me. I know all of you are just getting frustrated with me getting to my point. So this is what’s going to happen right here. Somewhere in the next while I’m going to deal with this internet problem once and for all. If it means new technical gear or just installing a human being to get between my words and paper, maybe we’ve got something cooking. That’s not going to be Kamala Harris. Kamala Harris is not going to be my secretary unless she actually wants to be. And if Kamala Harris called me up and said hey yo, G, I would like to collaborate on a writing project where you go ahead and do whatever you do and I’ll just be with you and I will do the typing because I’m a lawyer and I listen to you and you will say what you want to say and then I will make commentary and we will talk about this and in the end we will have a document between me and you talking. If she said that I would say yes, madam president, yes of course I would do that for you. Who wouldn’t? I still have the passport? I’ve got residency in Belarus but hey yo, I have Skype. We also have Google docs and that’s where we are going right now. In fact that is the idea isn’t that. I’m going to need a link here. And I think we’re going to talk about writing plays for girls and women and America and whatever. And now we stop here. If you want to continue here, do. If you want to come for a ride with momochuka and me through New York with a slightly better technical situation then this one, click that link just a little bit north of me or south of me or wherever it is. Edit this sentence right. Bye.

Vegan editing and booby-trapping

I think this is just a warning. We can vegan edit. But what happens is people figure out your plan. We have people that always want to play defense. I used to like to play defense. It lets them improvise. You just do your plan and then they just fuck with you and they think this is important to do. I’m just saying be careful about laying vegan plans. Sometimes people will tell you what you want to hear just to put you in a losing situation. If you know that you are doing the right thing, if you know that you are not going to die from this and not only that but feel much better and have much more strength and stamina and resilience and mental aptitude and acuity, you may say that this is the better way to live your life. Or, you can just say that life is a miserable fucking slog and shit drugs and escapism is the only thing that there is because there is no other way. 40 day vegan challenge. Get on your bike and ride. Get fucked once or twice if you haven’t in a while or just give a good blowjob or a back rub or just hold on to each other and talk quietly. Try not to ruin your ears for one moment in your life. Drop the cigarettes. Seriously. How disgusting do you wish to be? Take off your clothes. Look in the mirror. Don’t ask yourself if you’re elegant you stupid shit. Ask yourself if you look good. Do you look like you function? Do you look like you can get a job done. You don’t need to be the Israeli fucking army. Can you function enough to physically move some objects around or clean up or grow some plants or something? Okay?

Kamala Harris said I could leave now. She said I had done a good job and I deserve my rest and that she appreciates the civil disobedience that I have been practicing and my reason for practicing it. This is not the end of the world but I think you would like this friend of mine. Good job everybody and good Shabbos.

https://youtu.be/1-VFShuFJXQ?si=rFSN7Q9cah5DPst2

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They say for chickens that you can’t count higher than three. An astronomy teacher told us about this. Or was it a mathematics teacher? It was a teacher who said that if you don’t want to stop the chickens from brooding, this is when they fall into a very deep sleep and just sit on a group of eggs to incubate them, they can fertilize a lot more eggs. This is about production and about stopping the female chickens from brooding. And it also says that chickens are really stupid because they can’t count more than three. I think what this really means is they can tolerate pressure and misery and torture up until the point that there’s only two left and then they start getting finicky and start pecking at your hands and telling you to get the fuck away from them. But you’re a good farmer so you don’t listen .

Everybody’s bitching at me to say something and to say it fast because we don’t have much time. It’s pretty bad here. It’s very wet and very gray and very rainy. Lot of mud. Lot of mud. You have to have a rubber boots. Now if you’re going to go walk around outside, you need to have good boots.

So what we are thinking here, because we are so intimate with the Russians, that we see something pretty clever going on right now in San Francisco. We all think San Francisco got it right but we think we got there because of a little cleverness.

La la la I wrote a book about corruption in Russia and blah blah blah this book had two specific independent Russian journalists that can be spoken to about whether or not what is in the book is true or not. You can look it up. But with Sasha, he really loved telling me the way to deal with it. He said the way you keep from going completely insane is to just imagine the mathematics involved with the torture. You can’t stop the torture. The torture is relentless and ongoing and it’s 7 days a week and as long as there is the possibility of a natural resource, they will come and they will take it. Just wait and see. Don’t take my word for it. Just sit back and do nothing and see what happens to you. Like ants. Like vultures. And they sit around in the trees like vultures just waiting for y’all to die so they can come in and take everything.

The problem with red and gold, no. Let’s get that completely correct. The problem with Scarlet and gold is that it is the color of the Roman legions. It is an ugly color to me. I’m not going to go into racism or what I might actually and truly think of the fucking Italians because truly, some of my best friends are Italian and you’d be shocked at how fucked up they are. And you could rightly say that the choice of the colors of the San Francisco 49ers were made by Italians who were the prevalent people in the place around the Bay area picking out fish and such like Joe DiMaggio. It was the fishing village because it was an estuary and quite a healthy place and of course if a man wanted to live and really didn’t want to swat mosquitoes all day, he can get on a boat and get away from the land and we could just eat the fish instead of farming and we are good to go. Who needs back braking work when you can get drunk and sit around in your boat and then if a fish wants to kill itself, you assist it’s suicide and then feast off its ass on the way home and give the rest to your family. Or sell it because amazingly, you live in a world without money. Cheers Hem.

Excuse me. When you are forced to crawl through the mud you end up getting a little dirty. But the real dirty joke, the nightmare actually is when it’s not even earth that you’re crawling through. You might not really like being covered in mud for a moment if it was all over you unintentionally but I have been in a little Shangri-La in a very similar situation latitude-wise where getting naked and covering yourself with mud and then going swimming in the lake was not a bad way to pass the summer day. If we are talking about looking at pretty much the most aesthetically beautiful female you’ve ever seen in your life and we are all just slathering ourselves with mud You can see how such an image might stay with me. But then I have to say something shitty like no, we are slogging through the mud because of war. And that’s fucked, would not you say?

Hey look, I’m okay. We’ve got a good team. And we are getting bigger everyday. I can feel them all behind me even those who used to be my enemies but now realize that we were pit against each other by genuinely evil forces and that those forces still exist is why we need some genuine baseball players. Okay, they told me not to drop names but the guy just never gets out of the way. Shaquille says that we are going in the right direction and that he is willing to take the 40-day vegan challenge because we want to see what Shaq looks like if Shaq looked like Kobe. And then maybe we can put that up on TV and when we get there, and that might be something around the time of the super bowl or the NBA something or other, he can just say this is 40 days of veganism, he can just take off his shirt and say before and after whatever it looks like and he doesn’t even have to smile. In fact, he could just stand there like a Zulu fucking warrior and show us what it looks like. No he doesn’t have to of course. We ain’t Nazis. But wouldn’t that be a sight to see?

I’m sorry, there are a lot of people in the room. It’s because we smell victory. It’s the truth. We know it and they have always known it. It’s just one domino away. One little boy just flicks his finger like kicking a field goal but using a particularly brave fly Who might not have known that I used to be a field goal kicker. We can change the direction of that flies life. Earlier it’s path was erratic and spastic and hysterical, but look how it flies now! Straight and true right through the goal posts of heaven. Fly no more Mr fly. You done flew. Your flying days are over and I will miss you. You were a glorious fellow while you were here but boo fucking who, you’re gone now so I guess we’ll just get back to business. Thank you Mr fly for having been. And stay there. Ptu. Ptu. Ptu.

We are going to survive but we are going to have to make some changes obviously. Don’t be sitting around waiting for a bunch of superheroes to win the war for you. I got some fat fucks over here who like making pictures, don’t worry, Shaquille knows he couldn’t take me in one-on-one. If you can’t bully me, he couldn’t catch me if he tried. Do we have any Kobe versus Shaq one on one?

Dwayne kuiper is waiting to go to work and he just asked if it was time for the call but I just have a little bit more to say. There is absolutely no doubt who wins Shaq versus Kobe and I don’t ever remember Shaq saying that. But if you put Shaq and Kobe on the floor as rookies, maybe you have a contest but Kobe is going to outrun him and we know this for a fact. But then Shaq becomes Shaq and he just bullies his way to the hoop and now it’s over. All day and all night like a warm waterfall. Kobe’s just working out in the gym and the big man can’t even get to him anymore. It’s like slow motion. It’s like Spider-Man. It ain’t going to happen.

But the thing about scarlet and gold is that you can see them really well coming through the mist. If the world is not really polluted, the water that comes off the land in the morning is something called fog. Anyone who grew up in the San Francisco Bay area new like knowledge what it was like being in the fog. Let me tell you a story about a girl named Lorna that I just wanted to kiss one time in the fog. Why didn’t I do that? Why didn’t I catch that ball? Why didn’t I want either of them? Why didn’t I want a baby?

But there it was again later in life in White Russia of all places. Sitting on stairs that at one point were used as an outdoor Cafe. Fashionable women and lotharios like myself who like to play guitar and sit next to cups of coffee and wait. But then there she was. I wrote this in a play. I wrote this in several plays. Maybe I’ve written this in all of my plays and I’ve never stopped writing these plays. The girl I am talking about told me once that I was a very boring writer. No, she didn’t say that. She said that the play I wrote was boring. I haven’t spoken to her in a while. I wonder if she still feels the same way. I wonder if it’s like Robert plant years later and she looks back and sees something completely different like perhaps nothing has ever changed or moved even a little bit, it’s just gotten worse and worse and worse.

But like all of these beautiful moments we have, we have snapshots. It’s wonderful really that we have these fantastic devices that tell us how warm we are and where we are and we can talk to them like journals and everyone can know about us. Really, don’t be stupid. If we were not such fucking assholes from top to bottom, please give me a device that keeps track of my bloody heart rate and my pulse and body heat because maybe I don’t have the ability to call for help should I fall down. This is not just for old people but how about people who like to ride bikes and shit in the forest? How you getting home, dude?

And I just talked to one of my last surviving grandmothers. They were just across the Jordan River from us as I was growing up and they had two beautiful maidens but for some reason nobody said that I had the right to cross the Jordan. Or maybe I did have the right to cross the Jordan I would just have to be Jewish. Or maybe it was because neither of those maidens ever came over and said hey, shit head, I have some tree of knowledge and if you’ve got a couple of hours I think we could learn a few things about life. I don’t remember that actually happening. They were actually pretty bunkered so it was just a visual thing. And there was even another girl and she was depressed as shit because she had alcoholic parents and that pretty much fucked up everything of every day of her life. And yeah, that was one of them Catholic school girls and I think you’re catching the drift about the San Francisco Bay area. Living on a hill. Oh what paradise to have such a view.

But there she was coming out of the fog. And she was wearing one of these ’90s roller girl outfits but no roller skates. But she might have been because she was just faster and sharper and more in focus than anybody else around her. But maybe that was just because I was in town. That seems to be the case in my life that when I touch people, something happens to them and they kind of become sharper and harder and stronger. Y’all going to say thank my mom for that but fuck all y’all because I would have rather been a human being than a Jewish Jesus Christ. Trust me, I probably would have happily spent my life eating bagels in the morning without ever noticing the difference. But now I know So please God, let me build a fucking town where we can have bagels and some bean curd and call it a morning because we get hugs and kisses and then get back on our bicycles and go do our days. Wherever that is. Wherever that is possible.

So who am I? I’m not a retard. I’m a little bit different. I’m smart as fuck but these two assholes sitting next to me don’t know it. Or they know it but they haven’t got a clue what it means and they don’t really want to ask anybody because they are too busy making money and trying to look good. And that’s why we are here. I think they like the games. But I think they are the kind of people who sell the games. Pop sells cars. Mom sells people. And the 49ers are in NFL team and for a pretty cheap price for a guy with his wallet, we could get actually pretty good seats. Keys are stadium. Right there before the beginning of the ’70s. I am 5 years old.

And we are looking at the Scarlet and gold. We got some Irishmen named Brody who’s also a golfer who’s running things like he knows what he’s doing. We got some guy named Ted Kwalick, Forest Blue, Frank Nunley, Woody Peoples. Jimmy Johnson being Sauce Gardener. Tommy Hart invented Nick Bosa. And then there was the speed burner wide receiver with a bit of a swayback named Gean Washington But most of all, there was the big man, number 40, Ken Willard at fullback. That was where it all started. They were a hard-nosed group. This was before Jim Plunkett, this was before a lot of guys. You know, before he came. Before the chosen one came. It was like he had a conversation with Joe Namath and Joe told him to think hard about San Francisco because there was something special about that place and he took that advice. Montana, welcome to San Francisco and San Francisco, welcome to Montana. Big sky. I will attest to this. Just like here. Really big sky. You can tell pretty much what’s going on by the sky when you live on a prairie.

I guess I should get to the end but there was something in the light that really bothered me. You watch them play sports in San Francisco on TV or on the internet or something and you can see what the light looks like during day games. Y’all got some funny light going on out there. It’s very bright. I don’t know if you are aware of this or if you technically understand the difference between the UV levels 100 or 200 years ago and what they are now. Because I think if you take that measurement, we might be done with stadium sports and going outside generally. I’m just saying this as a friend that y’all should consider this that we may be in domes because we might have fucked up more than we think. I don’t know this and we can call this incidental knowledge but you heard it here.

God damn. I just got the call. We got 3 minutes injury time and maybe five if the referee is in a good mood. What I’m trying to say is that there was a real reason why Brock purdy was not chosen earlier on. This just doesn’t happen. My Russian friend said that we look at corruption and the real interesting thing is to figure out how they got here. We know they rigged it. We know they played both sides. Was it complete collusion that someone wanted the NFL to agree to let the 49ers roll? Was it something that big like a network decision? We need another 49er victory and we need a Jesus Christ? Was this a universal thing for the whole league or was it just San Francisco being clever?

In Hollywood, they have this movie called The Departed and Leonardo DiCaprio is a hot head and he wants to join the police and the police take one look at him and they say you’re a genius and you ain’t going to be a cop so we have a genius job for you if you want to do it and he says yes and eventually he gets shot in the head because that’s what happens to geniuses in this world. I’m not recommending this, Vlad, I’m just saying what the Italians in Hollywood like to do in their movies. Were we talking about Italians in San Francisco? Romans? Was there some talk about violence and Romans in San Francisco? Is there something like a history of hatred in San Francisco? Is there some weirdness going on in San Francisco with the money? Is there like an unbelievably bloody corrupt history going on in San Francisco? Or is it like the most beautiful city in the United States. I tend to believe that the emerald City to the north is actually better, and no I’m not talking about dismal ass Portland, I’m talking about Canada. Just a second.

Dear Canada, if you believe I have any value to the world whatsoever, you call me and I think I’m playing baseball for you next year. Or I’m still playing here for my team and I could use a hand. Maybe Belarus is not so bad if we could just get rid of the Russians. If we all think on the same page, maybe we have a deal we can make. Thank you for listening to me.

And just between you and me, could you get addicted to Canadian football? I’m not going to get into the rules but seriously, ask Doug Flutie. Ask Warren Moon. There’s a lot of names and really funky 25 yd end zones. Funky game but they are like a rugby game or a football game where they just say get going. Don’t waste time thinking too much. Get it done. Bigger field. Throw the ball. Let’s go. And that’s the way it goes. Maybe it’s a better game. Or the college game. Just cut the field into three sections and either get the ball between the hash marks or you got that cool angle. Or you have original football and you have to kick the football from wherever you are so you really have to figure out how to get the ball in the middle of the field if you’re going to kick a field goal.

The referee is looking at me. But maybe I’ve already made my point. But let me see if I can get my left foot into this last one. Y’all can call me a spy or a traitor or maybe I’m not. Or maybe y’all should be traitors. Maybe a traitor means that you’re independent making your own deals for yourself. Maybe if you’re not a traitor, you’re living life suffering for someone else’s delusions and possibly dying because some Parkinson’s guy is dreaming about glory before he eventually slides down the toilet of life and into the cesspool of history. Everybody thinks they are beautiful if they just have enough resources to keep them propped up. And let me tell you, my father, my father from right bloody here, that man had a closet of clothes. I was too big to wear them. Pity that. He loved doing hand me downs. He likes to have them as long as he wanted them and then kick them free and I guess I am just the same way. I’m also exactly from here. But don’t pity me. I am a potato farmer sometimes and I’m kind of arguing whether or not that’s enough. And no, I’m not asking to go to Idaho and live in Hemingway’s house. It’s too big and it cost too much money to heat. But I would love to talk to those people about greenhouses and agriculture and land use and getting away from animals anytime of the day or night. I’m not really that hard to find.

So if the 49ers are really the Juggernaut, I have one crazy suggestion. Perhaps they were amazing in hiding Brock purdy. Maybe they knew about him when he was a high school kid and they went and talked to him very quietly and they said that if he just sandbags it, just play well enough to be noticed but not well enough to really make anybody pay attention, we are going to win the next five super bowls in a row. Now we can just say that this is clever. We could say that this is not only clever, we could say that this is Jedi prophecy type stuff. If you tell me that someone in San Francisco was clever enough to look 10 years ahead and say that we can fool the entire NFL and get away with it just by pretending to play the rules and finding the best looking kid you ever saw in your life to run the greatest juggernaut a football ever created, we might be able to rethink the NFL and say the 49ers have won.

Now, I know I sound like a partisan. I’m a partisan San Francisco fan but that kind of means something different from Belarus when you say you are a partisan. Partisans in Belarus come out of the forest like Indians and hopefully do the right thing by keeping the fascists from taking over the world. If I remember my history correctly. I know I can’t help but check the highlights of how the 49ers are doing and I cannot help but smile. They really built a machine and they are selling it for all it’s worth. I’m not sure about their stadium because I was pretty partial to San Francisco and candlestick Park. It’s just a nuance of life that I grew up there like my father grew up near Ebbets Field. I’m not exactly sure how that must have felt to have my father turn down a Japanese wife because he didn’t believe he could live in Japan and he didn’t believe he could bring her home with him. This was exactly my play by the way about Belarus if people never bothered to ask.

He chose to come back to America because he believed America was going to save his ass. He believed that there was no other way to make a living than to make use of his American citizenship and put the nose to the grindstone. Did he win or lose?

But then they bombed him. They did. They nuked him. Apparently, the Americans learned that you could nuke somebody and they wouldn’t die and you could just keep going because people are resilient and they just keep going. There was some crazy shit going through my mind wondering how Eric Sim would do going to Japan and screaming about being a big fat American and hitting nukes. I wondered how well that was go over. I was wondering really hard about that sword thing from Trevor Bauer but I was really worried that Eric would open his mouth and he did not disappoint. He’s flooding the internet with Eric is a good guy videos right now which I think is really good. Eric is from Los Angeles and this is what Los Angeles people do. They put shit out on the internet to tell us what is what. That’s what Nazis do actually but this is just me talking and I’m just one guy doing this for free, I don’t have a Godzilla and dollar budget to make sure that what I want to say get said and I want to make damn sure that Fox sports has a place at the table. We have to have Fox sports in there because we just can’t live without the fucking Australians.

All I’m saying is that I see a picture and it starts with a garden. It starts with one person’s garden. I don’t think anybody needs to fly across the world and play humanitarian aid games. I think we should just go gardening. If we were gardening instead of killing each other we would be making better use of our soil. And if we put away finance and just worked on having good garden soil available for people who want to do the work, we could grow a lot of food. And if we did go vegan and grow our own food, I think this would solve quite a bit of problems. And if we were actually physically involved with the process of garden building, maybe we could answer the question of what to do with all the garbage. I for one think that eventually the Oakland coliseum is going to fall because it will not hold the structural weight. I’m sorry if I’m just digressing a little bit but I’ve been hanging out with the wife of an engineer and I’m just looking at this picture and eventually it’s going to fall. We can love the Oakland coliseum for a long time but eventually it’s going to come down unless, we just build it up. They do have a process called round earth where you take tires and you pack them with dirt and those things are insulating wonders. I’m saying we can also take a few hundred tons of garbage and just stuff the shit out of the under structure. This would also be a layer of plastic which might have insulating value and probably we can think about that and maybe work it out so that it has some radiant capacity or insulation capacity or just we can mix it with some kind of fiber so it goes in or whatever the hell engineers do cuz I’m not really an engineer. But what I’m saying is we could just build up the outside of the Oakland coliseum and then pretty much do nothing. Well, we want to get up and throw some dirt on it. We definitely want some soil. We want soil it can even be cheap soil We don’t really have to worry about it too much We just have to cover it with soil. We could do it by hand. Really we could just carry buckets up the pyramid. Because when we’re done and we build that thing up we have a big bowl and then that’s a really interesting shape to carry water. Actually not only to carry water but to actually allow water to flow down back into the river system and anytime you create a bowl, you have some opportunities for some trees around the outside. I don’t know if you guys know anything about permaculture, but we can grow amazingly beautiful oak trees all around the outside of the dome of the Oakland coliseum and then we can just take care of the interior and treat it like the original coliseum of Rome where they used to kill people and shit. But this time, instead of flags, we have oak trees swaying in the breeze and keeping the breeze to a minimum. It’s windy because of the waterway so we need a couple of windmills to keep the lights on and then I’m afraid we’re probably going to have to dome it. But that’s okay because the air is kind of fucked up and maybe you’re by year we can do better outside farming but in the meantime, if we’re talking about the Bay area, let’s just say it’s a terrarium and be good about it. We can just go there and play ball and let our sweat and electricity be good for plants and people can hang out and watch the sportsman play and I definitely think if you’re not going to use the upper deck and you can put a railing so that we don’t fall and kill ourselves, tell me, tell me, tell me that the upper deck of the Oakland coliseum is not the most beautiful velodrome you’ve ever seen in your life. Cattle Stick Park actually might have been a cooler velodrome because of the shape and all and truthfully, this one’s kind of rollerball. But this would be a green roller ball and we just do it for peace and we can all watch a ball game and then when we’re bored we can catch the bicycle races going on over our heads. Anyway, I dream of Utopia if you didn’t know. I’m really late. I’m always late. Ask my students. I just can’t stop and we always run late. 40 day vegan challenge started like yesterday. Don’t forget. We’re doing 40 days before New Year’s and then we’re going to talk about it. And yes, I am going to finish my Everest. I am going to do the entire Led Zeppelin catalog on stationary bike and we just finished Led Zeppelin 3. So we are there at the apex. But we have a question. If stairway to heaven is the apex of the mountain, if that is Everest, do I come back down the front side or do I deal with what happened to Led Zeppelin after they got fat? And had enough money for everything. Which is the real truth. So here’s the thing. I asked my friend Obree about it because though I am a baseball player and a football player and an absolute crap basketball player, okay I wasn’t that bad but I never spent the day practicing, but he says he likes the rides long and hard. He says that if we’re going to be masochists and read the whole book as if it’s the Bible and we’re just going to deal with the corruption and hate and war, then we got to go up and then we listen to side two of Led Zeppelin 4 and then we travel on down the road where there is some very good music. And then we turn around and we come back and we do the entire thing backwards from back to front and we travel back from 1980 all the way back to 1970. In the days of my youth I was told what it means to be a man. And now I’ve reached that age and I tried to do things the best I can.

But seriously, if I can do this, if I can go vegan and drag my sorry fat ass up and down the mountain everyday, you can too and maybe you could think about doing it a little more naturally and a little slower and a little kinder and without poisoning the world. Maybe it’s time to play small ball. Maybe it’s time to Allen page this thing. Maybe it’s time to tone down the music and tone down the sound and tone down the pace and bring it on home.

You see the thing is, if San Francisco is healthy, it’s just the foggiest place in the world. If you were sitting in keys are stadium which was in Golden gate Park and you were 5 years old and the place was white with this delicious cool fog with a green background from the Cypress trees and they’re in front of you was this stunning team of red banging it out. Tough guys with plastic pads banging into each other. It was just running and little tosses and occasionally throw the ball and hope for the best. There wasn’t any geometry to the game. It was too white for that. That came later. But just imagine all that water in the air. Can you imagine how beautiful it is to be back in high school, to be maybe 15 years old and you’re playing volleyball and it’s early in the morning and the place is covered in fog and someone hits the ball out onto the field and this beautiful girl goes out into the fog to get it and you just go out there with her. And suddenly you look back and you realize that no one can see you because you’re surrounded by this beautiful fog. So why don’t I kiss you my beauty. My San Francisco Bay area beauty. Why don’t I kiss you in this beautiful estuary is beautiful estuary of love.

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