Б-г і бярозы

Okay, if we want to get down and dirty I feel kind of like Louis CK right now. I mean if you want to take a picture, I’m just an old man playing with my dick in a park.

Or you could listen to my side of the story.

I did my ritual and I went outside and I found a comfortable place. I said some prayers out loud in Hebrew and then it was time.

And I looked up into the sky to see the sun. There were clouds everywhere keeping us cool and shady. And when I looked up to see her, she was like a shy virgin, as clean and hot and burning with life as life can possibly burn.

And this is when I started playing with my dick. Now, there aren’t really sight lines unless they take the trouble to film everything. The neighbors of course and we all know how much they crave my dick. But if so, well, it’s a holiday and I guess I gave Putin a dick to look at. I hope it made all the boys in the truck happy. Cheers. For you, let’s call it porn.

But getting away from that last paragraph, it was an intriguing moment for me and Mamacita. Here I was, a male of the species. As she has made me in unfortunate and unvoted-for cooperation with my fellow torture loving man. This is what I look like but for the mutations.

And listen, I know I’m dirty. I live here. How can I not be dirty? I mean, show me what the fuck clean is and I’ll tell you how I measure up. But there I was talking to a woman and showing her what I got and asking her if she liked what she saw. Am I okay? Do I please you?

And then…

I want to say “I swear to God” but that’s beyond irony into some realm of mystical холера. I’m sorry for the buildup and the drama. I guess I’m prone to it but I don’t know how to make this bigger or smaller or more real or to find the words to describe it. Okay, maybe I should just say it. I think she winked at me. I mean it. The big cloud was up in the sky and she was back there and then she was sort of lingering behind the mists of the clouds and I swear she was doing it seductively. She was as elusive as the butterfly earlier today or maybe she was jealous of the butterfly.

And then for one moment, there was the tiniest blaze of direct sunlight exactly there, exactly when and where it was supposed to be. And I wish I could tell you that I popped my whistle but I didn’t. Maybe if I were younger. But did I just receive a blessing from a woman who told me that she enjoyed what she saw? Did I just make God blush? I think I made her smile for a tiny moment. You know what I mean, like she was thinking about it. Like she enjoyed it. Like she enjoyed being invited and waited for even if it was just for a glance.

And then she was gone.

It was just a moment. Really just a second or so. I’m not really going to have a relationship with God on that sort of level so, you know, it was time to sing the song.

How did I do? Did I record it? No. Upon careful consideration I Instagramed the moment, which might be in poor taste. I mean, I believe she’s the most beautiful thing in the world and if nothing else, if you were to back up and look at all of the beautiful pictures I’ve printed on this blog, I think she’s the most beautiful. So there you go.

But I did not record the song. Maybe not all songs should be recorded or Instagramed. I found my key and fell into the groove pretty quickly. I hadn’t really rehearsed and figured I would just wing it as I like to do. And I think I made it work. There were a few notes in the verse that I wasn’t quite sure of but I stayed within the key and I was definitely able to jump on the boat for the hook, which has a cool whole step Harmony to it.

Oh boy. And then I remembered that Ariana was here and she said it was cool to try some gymnastics, so I did. Were they great? I’m a country blues voice these days, no whiskey but it’s kind of cowboy shit. But brokeback mountain or no, I sang some notes. I punched my card. I soloed a little bit. Modestly, but I put my dick into it.

That was the end of the party and I had to put a t-shirt on because not all of the mosquitoes are so religious.

No, asshole. There’s no pizza at the celebration. I’m not really hungry but if I wanted, I have so much food to put a little heat on and make absolutely unbelievable food with rice and beans. This is not suffering. This is being in love with my life in a time of crisis in a diseased land. And right now, I get to play with my dick because I think I did my job today. And crazily, it seems to need attention.