Thursday, September 29th 2022

It’s 4:00 a.m. and a good time to be awake. Don’t worry about the early rising. I’m not worried about it. I’m actually up early because I’m watching the Yankees Blue Jays game. This is a freebie from MLB Network. Aaron Judge is looking for 61, the Blue Jays are looking for a playoff berth and it’s free baseball.

War update

Denys here is very optimistic. He’s been optimistic since the breakthrough a few weeks ago. New weapons have come from The Americans. The pipeline is destroying all sea life in the baltics. Russia seems bent on general destruction, self-destruction, destruction of all living things. It goes beyond my comprehension how this goes on and on and on without end or even a moment’s hesitation but perhaps this is not the only road.

I do understand at least a part of the rationale. They are fighting a shadow war against the west and against NATO. But really, they are fighting a war against rhetoric. There are so many ideas flying through everyone’s head that this is really the point. They are very confused. Their army is quite confused, the leadership is confused, the people outside of the military industrial complex of Russia are very confused. There is simply not a lot of clear thinking going on and as a result, we are witnessing this continuously psychotic behavior. And it is psychotic behavior. Psychopathic even.

They also have nuclear weapons and as the rat gets more and more isolated and has fewer avenues or options, well, it would seem that pressing the button is not out of the question. Putin is already willing to take the entire country with him. This mobilization business is exactly that. And if he’s willing to take everybody with him, he is willing to take everybody with him.

In moments of such exquisite thought, let us also remember how this all came to pass. Historically, the US has engaged in so many foreign oil wars, you would think we would have learned already what happens when we destabilize a country and some maniacal dictator rises to power. Eventually, it falls to more military action to bring down this person. The entire progression is of course without guilt and inevitably just funnels more money to that very same military industrial complex. I’m only saying this because we were responsible for Putin. We couldn’t live with the existence of the Soviet Union. We needed to fight the Cold War, the war of attrition in Afghanistan, a million expendable dark-skinned lives and all for the economic collapse of the USSR. And what came from it? This.

We started draining the oil and the gas. Then we drained all of the really intelligent people. The oligarchy rose and took all the money away from all of the regions. We accepted theit young pretty girls for sex slaves and we hired anybody who could run a computer. And who is left? What is left? This.

I’m just saying this because when you consider how easy it would be to press the red button, when you consider all of the anti-American rhetoric that fuels the thinking of the Russian hierarchy, you can’t help but think that they have a point. I was in New York on September 11th 2001. I’m not trying to sound like I personally am a traitor but it was hard not to see the rationale of the people who launched the attack. It is really hard to imagine the Americans as the good guys in any global scenario. Or the English.

Me? I’m just an ecologist. It’s the only flag I wave. I am not particularly enamored in any political movement anywhere except for those who dedicate their lives to stopping the destruction of the planet. I am soundly with the people who vote for a more conscious and conscientious and sustainable future. I’m in complete Accord with the peace people. Other than that, everything else is just bureaucratic documents and other people’s ideologies and patriotism. Other than peace and a sustainable future, everyone else is just a bunch of psychopaths.

And speaking of global destruction and horrific weather occurrences due to climate change and global warming, Hurricane Ian is currently kicking the living shit out of the Southern United States. Good for Ian. I’m not fond of Florida at all. Florida is a bunch of thieves as far as I’m concerned. They had it coming. They have angered God. They have angered nature.

As for me, there’s not really a lot to do. I am still in my own hospital. I’ve actually got quite a bit of work to get done. This room that I’m in right now is due to get an overhaul very soon. It needs a thorough cleanup and then I am planning to do something about winterizing the floor. I’m going to build an insulated platform that will allow me some floor sitting during the winter months. I’m also considering bringing the entirety of my office in here as well for some diversity. I haven’t got everything built yet but I should have everything done within a week or two. It’s just a matter of making myself comfortable.

I guess I need to break into this narrative because Judge just hit his 61st Homer. Awesome. Really, this is one of the greatest hitting seasons in history.

Just one thing I noticed about this play. There were two guys out in left field and they brought their gloves to the game. The ball had plenty of distance to get over the fence but it was just not quite far enough for the guys to get to it and it fell harmlessly into the bullpen. That was about a half a million dollars that didn’t make it into the economy. 

Anyway, for the sake of the economics and simply because I just don’t need the space, I generally only heat this one room. If I need to go out and do some work such as cutting down firewood or dragging it around or whatever people do with themselves to stay warm, I go do it and try to move around as much as possible. I’ve written about all of this before but generally, there are three things you can do to stay warm. You can build a fire, you can eat something hot or you can do some exercise and move around. 

As far as basically half my house is concerned, there’s just nothing particularly interesting to do in there. Whatever business I might have is usually conducted over the internet. I haven’t physically made myself available for students in quite a few years. A few people complain about this but I don’t really care one way or the other. The world has just moved to electronics and so if it’s about some kind of entertainment or doing business, I’m just like everyone else. And as far as walking around or doing things, and I certainly hope I have a decent capacity to walk around and do things, well, that’s why I have a field and the garden and why I bought a place next to the forest. If I can go walking, I will go walking.

Does this sound boring? It probably is. But hey, if I really start going crazy, I can always do something creative. I’m a writer, I guess I could do some writing. I don’t really feel so social anymore but I can always visit people and waste their time. What else does anybody do?

Of course, it would be nice to avoid the kind of violence that they have in the next two countries. It would be nice if Belarus doesn’t get called into this foolish conflict. It would be nice if they didn’t start lobbing missiles towards town. That would definitely change things.

About that, the American embassy has advised all Americans to get out of Russia. They made this advice here many months ago. I’ve talked about this as well. I simply don’t have the wherewithal, mobility, money or desire to hysterically and radically change my life. Certainly there has been the misery of objectification and all of the political brutalities that have been practiced against me. The medical establishment and their blackmail are a part of this obviously. It’s a hysterical time. It’s an isolating time. I can see where things could go bad very quickly.

But to this moment, things are remaining normal in this country which means I at least get to survive as I am. I would certainly be healthier and happier if I could walk normally. It would be nice to get some medical assistance for a change. A lot of things would be nice but nice things don’t really happen.

So I am here and doing my best to stay warm. I’m not lighting fires. I don’t need the light and I turn off the electricity and let the heater go cold when I start moving around. Little by little, my body is adjusting to the cold and I don’t even need to overdress. I have plenty of warm clothes, plenty of firewood and as long as it’s running, plenty of electricity.

I mean, maybe it would have been really wise to put in a windmill to generate electricity. Not that it matters because if they drop a few missiles on town, they will probably take out the local internet grid anyway. I guess I could have gotten a satellite dish for that but again, I don’t really have so much money.

Is this a lot of crazy talk? I don’t know what other kind of talk to have. We live in a really crazy time and I live with really crazy people. We all live with really crazy greedy people. Meanwhile, we poison the world everyday. We never stop driving our cars or conserve resources. We just keep the money machine going, a global Las Vegas. We never abolished slavery, we never put ecology above economy, we never look for new ideas and we just keep doing the same thing over and over and over again without even thinking about looking for any new paths.

I am going to quit writing for the time being. I’m not quitting generally, just here this morning. And when I end this section, as I always do, I’m going to make three stars as a separator. Just for the sake of fun, let’s say that this is the launch code. What do you think? Should I just keep writing or should I make the three stars? Does it seem hopeless enough yet? Does it seem pointless enough yet? Is it redundant enough yet? Is there any reason not to press the three stars?

***

It’s 7:30 a.m. and I am in the kitchen feeling as satisfied as I have been in a long time.

There are several reasons for this. The least of which is probably this remarkably tasty tea I’m drinking. It is mostly Ivan Chai, a local blend of healthy herbs with a few other things I have lying around exactly for tea. I have not been drinking tea for a while. I stopped drinking both tea and coffee during the summer. I just didn’t want it and as far as coffee goes, I didn’t need it or its effect in the mornings. But here we are at the beginning of winter and I just felt that it would be a perfect addition to a winter comfort food breakfast.

The second reason is that breakfast. I have some olive oil so I put a little in the pan and fried some of our potatoes. I threw in some onion and some fresh beans still in the pod and let them cook out for a while. A little chilly, some more brussel sprout greens and it was just lovely. I didn’t put a lot of oil in the pot but my mouth still has that buttery taste in it. This is also a good reason for the tea. According to Asians, you drink hot tea after a meal to aid digestion. Usually, this has more to do with keeping meat fat from solidifying but maybe the same thing is true for olive oil.

The third reason I feel so good is that not only did I create this breakfast, I also cleaned out the kitchen and the warm room, I have the gate open and I’ve already gotten some water. How is this possible? I’m walking. Maybe it’s just taking a chance that I shouldn’t be taking but when I got up, I got up and really I felt just fine. My knee is a little tweaky from lack of use but basically I am walking without crutches or cane.

I’m not getting too happy about this or declaring myself cured. I am not and my leg still needs to heal. But I made the decision to go ahead and walk on it simply because I had so much to do and did not wish to go through the headache of trying to communicate all of my needs. I don’t mean to be insulting but Lena is too hysterical to deal with anything outside of her current knowledge and too blind to be worthwhile for any specific needs. She is there for what she is there for and I can’t push the envelope and neither can she.

So I got up and walked around and it felt good. It felt really good. There’s no pain like there was before. It just feels good to walk. No, I am not going out for a hike today. I can see myself trying to do some things in the field to help button up for winter but basically, for what I absolutely needed to do to get started today, I did it and I am definitely pretty happy about it.

I called Lana twice last night to find out what the story was with her but she did not answer either her new mobile phone or her home phone. I called this morning and she sounded surprised. Today is Thursday and I assumed she would be showing up. But when I called, she seemed surprised. Apparently there was a collection of thoughts in her head that told her something had changed. I don’t remember telling her anything had changed and I don’t remember her attempting to talk to me. But she had her collection of thoughts and this was moving her. I asked her several times if she was finished and did not wish to continue but then she said she was on the way. Basically, that’s a good thing. I don’t want to have to pick up everything again tomorrow if I don’t have to.

I also have some laundry for her. I need to make sure that she understands that this laundry is a today thing. I’m not interested in worrying about this for the next week. I don’t want to do anymore dramas concerning my dirty clothes if I can help it.

I don’t know what else to say. It’s really not that big of a deal doing any of the things I’ve talked about. It really wasn’t so many minutes of work to get things ready so that the floors can be mocked. I don’t have that many clothes to be cleaned and neither cooking or cleaning up after breakfast was any kind of a big deal. There was no massive athletic effort involved nor any demonstration of genuine skill. But to me it was a good and noticeable moment. It was a moment of simply walking around normally without too much pain and having the physical capacity to do simple tasks like getting water, opening the gate, picking things up and putting them away and generally putting things in order. You’d be surprised how good these mundane things feel when you haven’t had the ability to do them in a while. You’d be surprised how good it feels to get something back that you needed after it’s been gone for a while.

***

It’s 11:30 and I am in the middle of an absolutely crazy day. I do not even remember having a day like this. Today, I am free.

Okay, I am not going to forget that I cannot completely overdo it but I am walking pain-free. I understand I have some medical issues that will need to be tended to and that there is a good possibility I am making things harder on myself. I understand all of this. But I can’t help myself. I can walk and I can walk without pain and I can’t stop myself from doing things.

On a negative note, regardless of our phone conversation, Lena is a no-show. There is some possibility that she came to my house and didn’t find me at home and then left. I do not know if this is true or if she just blew me off and decided that she’s done with me. I was cutting kindling if and when she was supposed to show but after that, she just never came.

What to do?

Well, I sat around for a while but apparently this morning’s breakfast was enough to make sitting around completely useless. I just didn’t want to do it. And even if this is a Kamikaze mission, I am just so thrilled to be moving around.

so I swept the floors. They needed sweeping and today was sweeping and washing day. But then I got the idea in my head that I was really sick of how filthy it was behind my computer in the warm room. I am one of these people that collects little bits of junk and thinks they are interesting and then just leaves them on desks and table tops. So I basically ripped apart the warm room and put everything to the side and then I had an idea come into my head. My office desk is a specific length but it’s really not very wide. I measured it out and found that it is actually the perfect distance for my planned overhaul of the warm room. Its length is absolutely perfect for the door swing and its width away from the wall where it would go it’s absolutely perfect. I have an opportunity to move my entire office into the warm room.

Okay, this is definitely going to make a slightly more cramped space. However, there are some nuances here that make this a very, very good idea. First of all, the platform I have planned to give me an opportunity to be on the floor will fit without touching this desk whatsoever. Secondly, the door that it will be covering is no longer used and the only thing interesting about it is that there is a space underneath it that allows cables to travel. This means, I will be able to drag the electricity to run the computer and the two monitors without overusing the outlets in the warm room. And finally, because of the screen setup and the speed of my desktop computer, I will have a legitimate and awesome theater experience for myself.

I’m into this. I’m really into this. The move is going to leave the office or the cold room or the summer room or whatever we call this place with the big couch in it a bit empty. But that doesn’t mean anything because this room is empty all winter. It is a nice place to sit but the moment the temperature drops and stays dropped, the room is no longer a comfortable place to hang out. The only reason I go in there now is to use my office but at best, after about 1 hour, I can’t be in there. It’s just too cold.

The only thing that has been stopping me from doing this is simply an inability to physically do everything I’m doing. But today, only today and just today, I seem to have practical mobility enough to do the job. I’ve already cleaned out the warm room and measured everything. Moving the table is not going to be a great issue and neither is reconfiguring the computers. 

I tell you, this is a bold move but I feel it’s a good one and one that is needed. Well, maybe it’s not needed but it’s a move towards quality of life and that is the main thing.

Or you know, I’m just crazy after a fried potato breakfast and the prospect of having to do my own laundry in cold weather. I don’t mind washing. It’s just that it takes forever to dry.

Okay, why am I sitting here and talking instead of working? I got weird right before it was time to try moving the table. I’m having second thoughts as to whether this is a good idea or not. There’s a lot of nitpicky stuff to move around. And the height of the working space is going to be a bit weird once the platform goes in. The floor will be about 12 CM higher which will make me about 10 cm higher sitting at that desk. Not the end of the world and an interesting situation to work with. Just a little architectural weirdness.

You know, I need a conversation about this.

***

Okay, that wasn’t a wonderful conversation but I did come to the decision not to do this today. I have a lesson coming up in a couple of hours. This and I will have some help on Sunday moving things around. It’s definitely going to happen but it’s really not that cold here right now and perhaps I’ll leave things as they are just a little while longer.

It really is a strange day today. Strange things are happening. But at least for the moment, I have legs. This is exciting. I don’t know how badly I’m hurting myself but it’s really exciting right here in the moment.

***

This is not a completely important thing but you know that kid Nikita? This is the blogger from St Petersburg who has been talking about life in the city? He left. According to him, hundreds of people panicked and told him to get out while it was still possible to do so. He gave it a good thought and now he is in Istanbul. Just saying…

***

This week’s Torah portion is called Vayelech. The word means went or came and refers to Moses taking his place in front of his audience to start coming to the end of his great speech.

In the first portion, he states that he is now 120 years old, too old to lead the children of Israel and that God has told him that he will not cross the Jordan. In the second portion, he tells people to be brave because God is with them. In the third, he points out that Joshua will be the new leader. In the 4th, he states that a specific festival must be held every 7 years and during this festival, this Torah must be read. In the fifth, the Lord tells Moses that his time is almost over but that he is still plenty angry at all of the indiscretions the children of Israel have committed. He advises them to write a song to remember the day. In the 6th, Moses is told that this song Will be Sung when there are difficult moments in the land of milk and honey so that they will remember the word of God. And then Moses starts to write these words there at the very end of the Torah and then in the 7th part, when he is done, he starts to sing the song to the children of Israel.

There is a little tag called the maftir section and it is just a repeat of the 7th section. In it, the Lord reminds everybody how miserably disappointed he is in everybody. It’s important that they know that as if they haven’t heard it enough already.

What does this mean? It means that God doesn’t really trust us to do the right thing. We are miserable corrupt things. What is wanted is that we obey the laws. Be this the law of nature or even the word according to Moses. What they want is for us to be good people but we’re not. We are horribly disappointing because we just can’t stop being bad. We just can’t stop screwing up.

For me? Maybe I work too hard today and maybe tomorrow I’m going to be in great pain. I am pretty out of shape and I noticed this while I was spreading hey in my boxes. My ex partner wrote to me saying that indeed, my workforce is quite unreliable. I reminded her that it’s raining. When it’s raining, modern Belarusians stay home and drink. It’s all the excuse they need. 

Sure, there was a time when Belarusians were considered the best people because of their diligence and selflessness. They were the most giving and the most respectful. Now I guess we are demonstrating that we are the best Russians. Too lazy to care, looking for the easy way out, selfish to the point of universal destruction around ourselves and given the opportunity to do the right thing, well, it’s right there in the Torah. Read it for yourself. Obviously, this is absolutely nothing new.

***

You see that? That’s why you read Torah. You learn something. Even if it seems redundant and poorly written, there’s a point being made. The point in today’s reading was that it’s time to take care of yourself but that we need to know that we are a miserable lot of citizens. We screw up and we fail all the time. Both of my friends who help out around here failed today and even the boy blew it in his lesson. 

Of course, he is a standard issue Belarusian and was very quick to come up with his explanations for his failure. He had perfectly adequate reasons why he failed. It was important that I knew the real reasons for his failure because to him, this was really enough.

I created a situation for him. I told him that he was the boss of a company. It was his own company and he was responsible for the entire production. Under him, he had two young people working. The first was an absolute go-getter. If he gave him an assignment, this assignment was done, polished and proper and ready to go and there was never any work less than completely professional. The second worker was very good about explaining his failures. 

“Well, I wanted to do it but I was really busy. I just didn’t have enough time. There was a football game and then I had other projects to do. I just couldn’t finish it. But basically I was ready. I mean, I understand what’s going on basically.”

So the question is, as of the boss, which worker do you give a better job and a raise to and which one do you throw out of your company as if he’s on fire? Yes, Young Einstein identified that we like the first guy and we don’t like the second. Everybody likes the first guy and nobody likes the second except for his drinking buddies unfortunately.

So, we whiffed today. It happens. The important thing though is that we learn from our mistakes. There’s nothing wrong with having a bad day and there’s really nothing wrong with failing occasionally. Everybody has good days and bad days and everybody has one of those bloody days where we would have been better off staying in bed. I mean, even in drought years, sometimes it’s just raining and you just don’t want to show up to work. Right?

Wrong! Not in my company! I am not standard issue Belarusian, God damn it! If you have a job to do, you show up and you do your job. And you keep showing up and you keep doing your job until the day you’re absolutely sure you don’t want this job anymore. Because the day you come and start talking to me about all of the problems in your life while asking me to continue to support someone who is no longer functioning, you just remember the truth. 

Somebody did that job today. Not that it matters in any consequential way but it needs to get into the head of my two friends that somebody else did their job today and it’s not the bloody first time. I sincerely hope that Ghenna was happy getting premium payments for work done. His flag has flown and been lowered and there ain’t nobody going to salute this former officer here anymore. The man has lost his privilege and has lost my trust as has our local lady. I mean, they didn’t have very far to fall. But it is simply a matter of economics that money that used to be available here has now remained here. I paid me for the work. The economy here has benefited. I have more money to use on better things.

So, we will see what the story is next week. I have faith. But it is another one of those important moments. Either the boy learns his lesson and fights for it or he doesn’t. I mean, he’s just a kid. But I did tell him that he owes me 30 or 45 minutes a day of attention. The biggest lesson was that when you don’t do anything until the last minute, we don’t win. And if he just learns that, maybe he’ll go just a little bit further in life.

I am a teacher you know. If I can’t put some English words in there, the least I can do is put some other English words in there.

***

It’s about 8:00 and I’ve had enough. It was a big day today. It was a physical day for the first time in a long time. By the end of it, I was begging to get off my feet. I did what I needed to do. I was not awesome. I am out of shape after a couple of months of sitting on my ass. But the opportunity presented itself and I went with it and I’m not sorry. I feel pretty good. Honestly, you don’t appreciate things until you understand what you’ve lost.

About knowingly causing damage to myself, it was a little good and a little bad. The new thing was unharmed and is coming along wonderfully. I guess the real issue there is with whatever was going on when it was still a ball inside me. Once that burst, healing seems to be coming quickly. The original wound however took a beating today. Too much direct pressure and whatever good had come as of yesterday, we had to take a couple of steps back. I am not 100%. I’m not finished and I’m going to have to generally keep going for a while.

But I’m not sorry. I knew what I was doing when I did it. Sometimes even doing something that’s going to have a negative repercussion is worth doing. The only thing is that you understand that you are responsible. Nobody’s guessing and nobody’s there to take an excuse or an apology. If you’re going to go, agree that you’re going and that’s it.

What did it feel like? This is hard to explain. It wasn’t like I just started doing something for a change. My leg is not good and I’ve been off it for a long time. The need didn’t really give me much of a problem but I don’t walk everyday anymore or at least I haven’t for a few months. I did stuff but it was all slow and laborious. I took extra special precautions not to fall or to hurt myself. This is especially true when I was running the wheelbarrow with an extremely sharp instrument on it. No falls allowed.

What was really the best though was the Walnut hunt. I love walnuts. I love nuts as much or more than anything. Crawling around on my hands and knees was fun. The floral citrus smell was everywhere but the walnuts were strangely perfect and intact. Everything else was breakable and malleable but then there was this beautiful brown Walnut waiting to be picked up. Hard and firm and perfect but surrounded by completely worthless foliage. It was wet and a bit slimy but somehow incredibly clean. That was the most beautiful of it.

Honestly, there’s not that much romance to gardening. It’s slow tedious physical labor. Perhaps it’s possible to feel great love in your heart or even emotion but mostly I don’t feel that way. Mostly it’s just a matter of trying to be productive. I’m better at building than maintaining the plants. But today I actually did some work. It was the first time in a long time and that felt lovely. It felt good to be self-sufficient. Today just felt good.