Wednesday, September 28th 2022
It’s 3:00 a.m. but I don’t think I’m suffering. I’m just up early because I went to bed early and yesterday, I did really nothing but rest. I don’t think I got out of bed until 2:00 p.m.. There was just no reason to do anything. I did not go to synagogue though I suppose it was my right. I haven’t really been anywhere in 2 months. I read some torah, specifically the portions for Rosh Hashanah. I also hobbled around the field a bit. It was uncomfortable but I did it. All in all though, it was just a lot of nothing.
At the moment I’m pretty comfortable really. I have this lovely feeling of warmth in my legs. It’s some combination of the temperature in the room or my body agrees that I’m doing something correct. I think it has something to do with this walking crutch I got. It is not perfect mobility. It’s wonky and it is not the answer to the question. It does allow me to do certain things okay but at best, it’s something you would use with a cane. Most of the time I go out with crutches and those crutches save me from falling. I had one genuine fall, a hard fall but one I saw coming and went with. It kind of rang my bell a little bit like a concussion type hit when my body finally made it to the floor but I was in control enough not to bang my head against anything lethal. I didn’t make that same mistake again.
I have taken a few steps on the thing hands-free. Like I said, it’s wonky and it’s not smooth. It’s hard for me to keep the thing tight enough to my leg for it to feel like it’s a part of me. It works really well in the kitchen. It allows me enough vertical mobility to cook for myself. In fact, I was so comfortable in the kitchen that I actually cleaned up the place for the first time in a long time. Just having freedom to stand there with my hands-free allowed me the initiative to put things away and do things I would normally do. Really, you’d be surprised what a lack of mobility does to your brain. You’d be more surprised at how it affects your external world and the sorts of things you just stop doing because it’s just too much to do it.
However, from a healing standpoint, taking all the weight off my foot and transferring it to my knee brought immediate results to the healing process. Basically speaking, there are two bad spots. The first one that inspired me to quit moving around 2 months ago and the new one. The old one was getting down to the very bottom when the new one went off. The last time I walked around or tried to walk around actually was a bad day for the old one. Yesterday, when I went in to clean things out and wrap things up again, even 2 days off my feet had the old one absolutely at closing point. Like it was a done deal. The new one also looks like it’s feeling like a rocket. Getting off my feet and taking the stress exactly off them seems to make all the difference in the world.
So the big question is whether this thing was worth the money or not. It’s hard to say. Like all things, it’s a little good and a little bad. As far as taking stress off my foot, it’s an absolute Plus. As far as hobbling around inside the house and being able to take care of myself, in the kitchen it’s a yes. But going outside the house is an absolute no. When the terrain is not perfectly flat, it’s completely unreliable and it’s not doable without a cane or crutches. And as far as lifting things and moving materials around, it’s a no. It is not good for any type of manual labor and nothing has improved on that level.
I tried to go out and just move some hay from the hay bale to where it’s eventually supposed to rest. I thought I might be able to push a wheelbarrow load or two over to the boxes and just toss the straw around but that was not going to happen. I thought about taking an old blanket and filling it with straw and then just dragging it but that’s not going to happen either. Perhaps somewhere in the future I will master this but as of the moment, it’s too wonky for outside walking. It’s just not a reliable partner for general movement.
So to answer the question, I don’t know. I’d say it was pretty bloody expensive for what I actually got from it but it’s not like I’ve got nothing. I’ve gotten something and my ability to allow my foot to heal is an absolute positive. That it doesn’t return me to some kind of functional life is a definite negative and I genuinely expected more. Other than this, I don’t know what to say. I cooked some good food with it and my kitchen got organized but other than very quietly walking around outside, I’m absolutely useless in the garden.
I did do my English lesson on monday. I understand the religious holiday but all things considered, I decided to do the hour and I’m glad I did. The boy did his homework and genuinely showed some growth. His reading speed even in 2 weeks of practice has increased and the fact that he takes the time to study words has increased his comprehension. Because we are at the beginning, the growth is remarkable. Later on, when we get into it a bit more, it’s really hard to see the increments of success. Things become more subtle but at the beginning, and especially so for someone who takes the trouble to do the work, it’s a bit of a sledgehammer and a mind boggler. The boy is happy, his father is happy and I am happy. Of course I showed up for the class.
Towards the end of our meeting Ghenna called me on the phone four times. I hung up on him but for some reason his mind could not comprehend that he was being told no. I am really going to have a serious conversation with him the next time I run into him. By the time the meeting was all over, I broke restrictions to call him back and explain the situation. If I switch him off, I am in the middle of something and don’t want to be disturbed. I then told him that it was a religious holiday and that there would be no work until today. He asked what there would be to do and I told him we would discuss it. We have a few things to discuss.
The one thing that will come to an end immediately is any sense of comfort on his part. I put restrictions on his ability to smoke on my property. I don’t smoke and I don’t like the smell of smoke. I invited him to walk all the way off the property if he definitely needed a smoke break but I absolutely didn’t want to see any of his miserable cigarette butts on my field. These last few weeks though have made him feel rather comfortable walking around here and not only do I now have cigarette butts lying all over the place, but I have an idiot who doesn’t seem to understand that he has any reason to respect my privacy when he wants something. All of this is going to end.
If we talk today, and I’m not completely convinced we need to, I’m going to put the rules in stone as far as any future collaboration. I don’t want to see any cigarette butts anywhere on my land for any reason. I don’t care what goes on in his head as to what is right or wrong, on my land he has no right to make garbage. Second of all, he will never receive an advance payment for anything ever again. At one point, he told me something about requiring advanced payment to get a load of fertilizer. Apparently this year, that restriction doesn’t exist anymore. I also sincerely doubt, because the cost seems to have dropped from last year’s, that it ever was a genuine thing. I deeply apologize to myself for thinking anything about anything about human respect, I will never see this man as anything other than day labor again. The negative here outweighs the positive.
However, if I do get a call that he wants to come by, I do have about 2 hours of labor for him. We have four boxes that need to be covered by straw and possibly, all of the lower gardens should be fertilized and covered as well. This is not a huge job and not a job that requires any kind of particular skill. But other than the trees that we planted last year, this will be about 75% of the button up ahead of winter. It’s not artful work, it’s just pushing the wheelbarrow and tossing materials around. But if he’s into this and agrees to get all the way off my property when he needs to smoke, I’ll throw him enough money for a couple of bottles and everybody will be happy.
As far as Rosh Hashanah went, it’s a strange holiday. That it falls directly on the autumnal equinox is not hard to understand. That the Torah readings do not exactly match up is a bit odd. There are three readings still remaining and even if we take Yom Kippur into account, which is coming up in a few days, I don’t really understand the overlap. But, you can’t really look for logic in all of this.
On the second day, the Torah reading is very specific. It is a repetition of the story of Abraham both getting the word of God that he should sacrifice his son Isaac and that he should not actually do the deed. It’s a strange story. He understands that God wants him to do this thing, the boy asks why there is no animal heading out for the sacrifice but then when they get to the place where they plan on doing the slaughtering, they happen upon a ram who has gotten its horns stuck in a thicket. Of course they don’t just let the animal go as a sign of human kindness, they decide instead to kill that animal in place of the boy. But this is one of those stories that is deemed important enough to repeat every year at this time. If you wish to read it this way, it is somehow a sign of God’s goodness.
One time, my friends asked me why I take Saturdays off and completely isolate myself from the world while doing it. I told them that it’s taking a break from gentiles. Both of them looked like they got punched in the face but then gave it a moment and thought about it and agreed that it was probably kind of the sane policy. It’s difficult to say that the only reason I do this is to isolate myself from Christians for a day. That’s not exactly true but it is a reasonable byproduct. I’m not a racist and I don’t believe I need to be arrogant about my personal history or whatever has come into my DNA from being Jewish for the last few thousand years. But I will say that it’s an opportunity to let the headache heal. I will say that this is a definite plus.
I am not asking anyone to rate me or put me on a level above or below others. I don’t have massive amounts of wealth to insulate myself from the world. I tried to be fair with people and I try not to be insulting.
However, there does seem to be a difference in basic philosophy. You could say that I am a bad person because I do not particularly believe it is in my best interest or the best interest in the world to be hyper aggressive, abusive or brutal towards the world. I do not believe I am automatically entitled to waste resources. I do not automatically believe that I should be the only thing in the world. I say this by the way despite being accused of this by my blackmailing bureaucrat in the medical profession. Quite a few people accuse me of being an American without knowing me simply because that’s all they know about me. I am not a poster boy for America by any stretch of the imagination and in fact I tend to lean in exactly the opposite direction. I am not a resource hog.
At the same time, I do not feel I have to be a public resource for other people’s problems. I am not Jesus Christ and I am not Mother Teresa. My job in life is not to automatically lift up anybody who is in need. I am not a miracle worker, I’m not Harry Potter and I do not have the keys to the American economy. In fact, I don’t ever remember receiving any support from the United States of America anywhere in the last 20 years with the exception of one medical procedure. And for what it’s worth, while I was there in the hospital, one of the nurses stole all the money I had. I don’t ever remember Americans doing anything but stealing my money to be honest with you. That includes whatever touches me specifically from the sanctions against Russia.
But people never stop coming or feeling the need to stop. I ask people when they stop me what they want and usually they have no answer. I’m just interesting to them. I’m interesting in the way anything that takes them out of their own life or their own mind is interesting. I’m interesting to them as a form of amusement or entertainment. With some people it’s just benign mindlessness and they are looking for someone who likes them or will talk to them because they have a miserable hateful life with nothing interesting for themselves to do. It also goes to abusive and aggressive fascists who look at me as an opportunity to do battle with the hated United States that are blamed according to official Russian rhetoric for all of the ills of the world. All of the official need to fight in Ukraine according to the Russians stems from a desire to protect themselves from attack by Americans. Real or imagined, I get the job of representing the states in this regard without pay of course.
So in this, because it’s a part of their basic program to believe themselves better people by being Christian, I get a loophole. Whether they are anti-semites or not, and my chicken neighbors absolutely are amongst every other evil that they carry inside themselves, it is an unarguable point. I take Saturdays off, nobody’s allowed to bother me and generally speaking, everyone respects that. Well, it’s not really that they respect it but they know that there will never be a penny coming from me on a Saturday and that I will never discuss anything regarding money. This is more to the point. It’s not really that they are respectful as much as they believe that I am respectful and this is enough.
The Christian world is loud. I’m not going to say anything that says being Jewish is a competition in any way. I am not even going to say anything about the level of boredom of sitting in Temple all day on Rosh Hashanah. Perhaps amongst the deepest of believers, this is a great moment and I suppose I respect that. For me, it would have been a day of torture and I’m glad I did not go to town for this.
But the Christian world is mercilessly loud and annoying. The Christian World never lets your mind go. The Christian World never sleeps or takes a genuine day off from the noise. The Christian World never stops telling you what to think. The Christian World never makes sense, never offers a practical argument and never offers any solution to any problem, just more problems and more ways to waste resources and more things to keep you from thinking anything about anything ever. The Christian world is designed to keep you locked into your servitude towards whoever is making money off you and it would be an absolute crime and a sin ever to allow anyone a moment of peace.
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, officially the state was atheist. Perhaps this was the most hateful thing or the most reasonable reason for hate for the West to despise marxists. Can you imagine living in a world without Christianity? But what about our souls? But back in the days of the Soviet Union, and let’s not discuss corruption here for a moment, the answer to the question of a problematic world was to go out and enjoy nature.
It was not to go shopping or to place yourself in front of other people’s work and photograph yourself vibing to the artistry. It was not to make yourself attractive sitting at a table in a cafe allowing other people to bring you food that they made. It was not in acquiring things. It was just to go out away from people and be in the fresh air. It was just to return to nature for a moment. This was the least expensive thing to deal with frustration and exhaustion and apparently, it was the most effective. Just to get away and not worry about it for a while.
My ex-girlfriend showed up on Instagram a little while ago taking a trip. Life is very hard and I’m sure her schedule keeps her very busy. But she’s dating a guy who has money for some reason enough that they could travel to a new destination. They stayed in a hotel, took excursions and ate at restaurants. All the time, she had great opportunities to photograph her surroundings, herself in this beautiful atmosphere and of course the dead animals they were eating.
No, there is no jealousy. It was just spending money. It was just spending money that’s never going to come back. It was wasting money and wasting time. That’s all it was. It wasn’t beautiful. The pictures weren’t beautiful. I didn’t see anything beautiful. I didn’t see anything but more stress and unless they somehow are limitless in their income, I didn’t see how the entire endeavor did anything but add more stress to their lives. And yeah, you can see that she’s constantly under stress. It’s right there in the photograph.
Of course I could also talk about my real neighbors and their decision to go all in. I’ve got a ton of links I picked up by the way. There’s a lot going on these days in the war. They are doing conscription and between people running away and the police arresting people for protesting and people getting ripped out of their lives to go and die in Ukraine as untrained cannon fodder, Russia is just going as far down the rabbit hole as it possibly can. They are destroying their economy and throwing away money in the hope of preserving some opportunity to have a new cash flow from the Black Sea. They are destroying everything and everybody just like drug addicts and alcoholics do. They are just throwing all of their money away on this little excursion, this self pleasuring, this vacation from doing the work of maintaining the infrastructure. And they are taking all of us with them in their folly. Nothing beautiful there either. Not a single beautiful picture.
So yeah, they wrote a book and it’s a pretty weird book but amongst the ideas that they hand out about how to live well as a free person, a person free from slavery, is that you should take a day off. You shouldn’t steal other people’s property or worry too much about what other people have, you should leave their wives alone and generally you should not kill. Whether this interpretation means simply not worrying too much about competing in the economy or being a vegan and leaving the animals alone or not is a matter of interpretation. I went vegan before I found my sense of Judaism. I went vegan and found just a few of these laws made absolute sense to me as a way to live a decent life.
So I don’t know what the truth really is. Like all things, it’s a little good and a little bad. Yeah, I like getting a day off from my neighbors because generally speaking, they’re just isn’t any beauty in my neighbors to admire. They are all very miserable people. They are impoverished in their wallet and they are impoverished in their souls. All of them regardless of economic level live every single day of their lives without a moment of freedom. My ex partner is amongst them. They believe that money is the only answer and yet money is the thing that keeps them exactly where they are. No new ideas, no artistry, no exploration of self, no refinement, no girls and no original thoughts. No beauty. Nothing ever beautiful except for the opportunity to suck off of the Innocence of puppies, kittens and children. To live a life of pure hell with the only reprieve being momentary and costing money.
So, I took two days off for Rosh Hashanah. In my 3 years of writing, this is the first time I’ve done this. These were the first days off I’ve taken outside of Saturdays. I’m not sorry I did it. I honestly didn’t feel that I had anything epic that needed to be said. I kind of feel like I’ve said everything I want to say on the subject already and for the most part, I’m kind of repeating myself all the time. It really didn’t hurt me to take the days off. I don’t think it had any particular benefit to me to have done so. I’m actually pretty okay on a 6 day on, one day off schedule. But I didn’t and it’s done and it didn’t really bother me one bit.
At the end of the day, I really am just trying to make a beautiful picture for myself. I’m just trying to make a friendly place to live in. I’m just trying to have a nice place to sit down and listen to the birds sing. I’m just looking for something to do in some place to take care of that’s quiet and has some clean air. And if I can do all of this and have it actually feed me, hey, that sounds like a great deal to me. I mean, I’m never going to have my young man’s legs again. I’m never going to have the mobility and the strength I had as a Young Man. I’m never really going to have my body back again. But if I’m going to be limited in mobility, at least I might have a little parcel of land to hobble around on where I feel comfortable. At least I might have a clean place to be in an incredibly filthy world. I don’t know if that would be enough but it certainly seems as though it is.
Now, if I could just figure out a way to get some common sense into my neighbor’s heads, we would really have something, wouldn’t we?
***
Okay, time to do a rather large link dump. I hope I’m not ruining anything by having so many come in a big lump like this but I thought all of these were somehow poignant in their way. I’m not going to do great commentary on all of them. Some don’t really require very much but I thought these were the most interesting things to note about the war as of the moment.
To start out with, Zelinski has no intention of backing down and no threat of mobilization is going to change this. The man is doing his job and you have to admire both the resiliency and the energy. He is getting worn out, this is on his face and in his voice. But give credit where credit is due, the man has risen to the occasion.
Belgrade protests. For Russian expatriates as well as those who are as eager to become expatriates as humanly possible, this is a completely unwanted War. It’s hard to imagine any private citizens actually wanting War but universally, this seems to be the truth abroad.
A story from the guardian about where the Z symbol came from. I thought it was kind of strange that this symbol would end up being an emblem for Russian nationalism. This letter is not even a part of the Cyrillic alphabet. Is it the first letter of zelinsky’s name? Is it a symbol for Za Voina, in favor of the war? The guardian covers this thought.
After the mobilization was announced, Zelinsky went straight to his social media to put some good spin on the thought. He has also taken to speaking in Russia as opposed to Ukrainian on certain points in the hope that Russian speakers might actually listen to what he has to say. The basic thought is that inexperienced soldiers are being sent to die, to be used as cannon fodder and to be honest, I don’t see how this is not true.
Speaking of mobilization, I think this report is an extremely accurate overview of the problems the Russians are having. Mr Rehi is one of the better map readers out there and I think this is a pretty sensible understanding of both the situation at the front and with the Russian program to replenish failing troops. Honestly, if the job couldn’t get done with the “professional” soldiers, no one in their right mind would believe they could get there with conscripts.
It’s hard to say how much of this particular video is true and how much is staged propaganda. It is very much anti-Russian propaganda but you never know, it might be the absolute truth. In fact, there is more truth to it than you might think. It’s a very unfortunate story but here, a new Russian conscript tells his story of becoming a tank commander for 5 minutes
Nikki talks about leaving Russia. This boy showed up a few days ago here as an example of a Russian blogger discussing his mindset and I thought it was pretty reasonable. He’s just a young fashion slut. He is in no way anyone’s hero. But lately, trying to cover the story as best as he can, you can see how it’s becoming a bit worrisome for him to have to deal with the reality of life in Russia for a military aged young man. And no, he does not want to go to war.
Zelinski doubles down. I know I’ve already posted two of the president’s public blog posts but in this one, you can see where the anger is rising. I don’t think he is in fear, I think he’s just telling the truth. I don’t think he really wants to murder people, but I think he’s angry enough to start murdering people and it’s hard to blame him.
The British seem to be all in supporting ukraine. Honestly, this is another example of the conservatives attempting to make themselves popular. They are as much to blame for this situation as anybody but nevertheless, the British are an important Ally in the fight. Here, British TV covering the entirety of escape/referendum news
Again, it’s hard to say how much of this is real and how much of it is staged propaganda. I’ll go with the fact that it seems real enough but here are some more intercepted phone calls talking about the corruption and the chaos on the Russian lines. Again, it would be easy to say that it’s a fake. But frankly, knowing the Russian bureaucracy as I do and as intimately as I do and understanding the level of corruption that pervades everything, the truth is that it is all pizdets.
Moving closer to home, the question of conscription of soldiers could very easily be posed to the Belarusians very soon. Either in asking for the standing army to participate or to bring people into the fight. Theoretically, this question is being dealt with but in this film about at least the public moments of the discussion between Alexander Lukashenko and Putin in Sochi, we have two fat rich white guys in conversation. There is no genuine news about decisions they plan on making and of course neither of them is beholden to their constituency for votes. As of the moment, ideologically, the Belarusians are in complete agreement with the Russians but nevertheless wish to retain their passive status. Unfortunately, there is just no way to know.
Just as a side note to the above link, Lukashenka has gotten fat. For a guy who has always prided himself on a vigorous physicality, he is sporting a big pot belly that he constantly covers with his hands. Also, Putin doesn’t look well at all. I don’t think either of these guys are in the best of health and unfortunately, this would have to play seriously on their decision-making abilities. They are sick and old. I think both of them would be better off heading off to the farm to plant some trees.
Anyway, here is one theory as to why Belarus may not be asked to join in the conflict. And it is true, the war is extremely unpopular here. Not that public opinion matters very much in political decisions but still, it’s true that it would probably take more manpower to control the protests than we could muster to join the fight. It would also cost more money.
And finally, the conscription of all of this new Russian cannon fodder for the military is also taking people out of the workforce. This in combination with yet more sanctions will basically do in the Russian economy. It’s funny that those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. It seems that nobody remembers that Afghanistan broke the Soviet Union. I guess you just can’t reason with alcoholics, drug addicts or Russians. Or, combinations of all three.
***
Well, if all of that wasn’t enough, the news seems to be happening very fast right now. First and foremost, the referendums have come in with the expected 90 something percent in favor of joining Russia. Russian media is saying that more than 50% of eligible voters came out while other people are saying that the actual number of people showing up was minuscule. One of the numbers I heard was that in a region of 300,000 people, they had 12,000 total votes. What this means is what it means and whether it’s false bravado or the beginning of more misery, it’s done and the results are as expected as they are in all elections around here.
The second bit of news that to me is more important is that there are now massive oil leaks in the Nord stream to pipeline. This is the pipeline that sends oil to Germany from Russia. Whether or not this is sabotage, we now have a massive ecological catastrophe in the baltics. Here is the full story from the guardian, and here is the information in video form.
You know, I really thought I was writing about food this year. I was going to talk about food, human nutrition, global food security and the fight against global warming. I thought all of these things tied together. They do of course. But when we talk about all of the mistakes humanity makes in feeding itself, the actual progenitor of the damage is on display right in front of our eyes. We cannot stop acting like idiots and we simply have no capacity to stop ruining ourselves and our planet.
Seriously, what I like most about this video is how little notice is paid to the ecological catastrophe. All anybody ever thinks of is the money.
***
It’s about a quarter to 7:00 and I guess I haven’t written much about this day because there wasn’t really much to write about it. I stayed in bed very late again as I’ve been doing lately. No offense to the great workers of the world but if you don’t really have a great reason to get up, sometimes you just don’t. I had my one meal and it was a good one. My ex partner brought me a tiny bit of olive oil and so I started off some of my remaining fresh beans from the field with some onions and peppers and then tossed in most of a brussel sprouts plant. We’ve had some very weird weather so unfortunately, the little heads couldn’t decide what to do with themselves and opened up and created little cabbages. In the end, it all eats good so I’m not really complaining. I put together a cream sauce just to make sure there was some protein in it and it did me just fine in the middle of the day.
I’m not really so sure that I completely agree with one meal a day. Doctors seem to want to recommend a lot of smaller meals, maybe snacking is a better way to look at it. I guess I’ve waited through so many people saying what a proper diet is and isn’t and what other people should do. I am of the mind that your body communicates with you quite well what it needs. The trick is to listen to yourself and to let yourself be honest.
What this means is that there are an awful lot of reasons that people eat that have nothing to do with being hungry. Sure, you can put yourself on a clock schedule and after a while your body will agree that 12:00 noon means lunch and 8:00 means breakfast. And if you’re eating a lot of high glycemic index food or directly putting sugar in there, for sure you will find a way to fall into this groove. It’s upsetting to get out of a routine like this. All insanities are difficult to get out of.
We also eat because we have dates or meetings, we eat because it’s the thing to do because we are bored or out or looking for something interesting to do. We eat because the smell of something grabs our attention and we want to put it inside of ourselves. We eat because somebody tells us we should eat and they take the trouble to feed us. And then there’s the stuff about eating when you’re upset, eating as an escape or just as your favorite drug to get yourself out of an absolutely miserable life for a little while. None of these things has genuinely good reasons for taking on calories. And I didn’t even mention popcorn movies or hot dogs and beers just because you took the trouble to go to a ball game.
I am kind of divorced from the world these days. I don’t really get pushed and pulled that much at all. I have guests a couple of times a week or the local alcoholics want some work to get a few dollars. Tomorrow I’m going to write about this week’s Torah study and I have a lesson as well. Maybe Lena is going to come to clean up so I need to clean up ahead of her so she can do whatever it is she does. But other than this, and I mean literally this writing that I’m doing, I don’t really have very many obligations at all. In the morning, unless it’s one of those above-mentioned situations, I don’t really need to get up and move. If I’m not anxious and I’m not looking to eat as an escape from anything, I need to ask myself if I’m actually hungry and more often than not, I’m not. I mean, you have to go to the bathroom sometime but lately, even that doesn’t come until later in the afternoon.
What I’m saying is that there probably is a natural way of living. My body gets pretty clear when it wants something to eat. I get a little fuzzy from low blood sugar. Sometimes I feel a little weak. It’s nothing exciting or angry, it’s just that I need to take on some nutrition because my tank is low. These days, it seems to be about once a day.
Don’t get me wrong, I eat a pretty healthy sized meal. I eat maybe two bowls of food and it’s not a very small bowl. I don’t eat until I am uncomfortably stuffed. I don’t really add too many things to make me excited and mostly I’m just trying to meet my genuine nutritional requirements. So I eat something that’s tasty and then I stop eating and give myself a little time to digest. It’s not food comas or anything like that, I just usually look for the opportunity to take it easy.
Maybe this would all be different if I had full mobility. Just a little while ago, I couldn’t stand it anymore and went out into the yard and collected walnuts on my hands and knees for a while. It’s actually a pretty fun process digging through the fall and leaves looking for something hard and round. I would not say we have a gigantic harvest of walnuts but we got some walnuts this year. That was actually pretty fun to do.
It was also probably necessary because I am rather sick of sitting around. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick of not being able to walk around and do things. In a perfect world, in my perfect world, I can let the rhythms of the world and my own body dictate how much exercise I need to do. Of course there are seasonal obligations and planting dates to be observed but as far as general maintenance, ideally I’m looking forward to being exactly on my own time and in my own rhythms. This is what I’m looking forward to most of all.
You know, what I want for myself is not such a big deal. It’s just agreeing to play some music with God for a change. I just want to let nature dictate the pace. I’d like to be competent enough to play a few notes. I’d like to be somehow participatory again. But I am specifically looking for nature to dictate the tune. This is a dance I have been waiting for for a long time. I’m sure it’s actually a dance we all dream about somewhere inside of ourselves. If we can just turn off the people noise, I’m sure everything will be fine.
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