Wednesday, August 31st 2022
Brave words to inspire the troops. A counteroffensive is getting underway. An association with Europe is getting underway. Further cooperation with the US is getting underway. Thoughts for the future of a country that will be substantially different than it was are getting underway.
No matter what happens, the oil business, the gun business and the political business all make money. Every building that gets destroyed and needs to be rebuilt generates corporate money. Everybody who is hurt or killed generates corporate money. Every soldier that goes into active duty generates corporate money.
The only people that do not make money are the people who live there, who are fighting there or who are getting hurt or dying there. They are just living and fighting and getting hurt and dying for the whims of the corporate dollars.
***
It is very, very early on Wednesday morning. I’m awake right now simply because my body does not need too much more sleep. I’m not sure I am getting up to move around so much. The last two days have been disastrous for my legs. Pain is an amazing deterrent for ambition. All I can hope for is that at some point everything that I want to do will get done. It’s not really so much work really. Everything can probably get done even in a day. It’s just really hard to go through the pain.
I walked around the field yesterday in the evening. Although perhaps it was a degree or two less, it was still mercilessly hot and dry. I probably should have watered but I didn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to walk around anymore. This morning I have plans to do this, I need to do this and I want to do this. I’m just afraid that actually doing this process might just ruin me from doing all of the other prep work I’m thinking of. It’s a bloody shame.
Also, there is a big difference between the quality of Ghenna’s work when I am standing there watching him than when I walk away. I’m not nitpicking and maybe this is an obvious thing but when I went out last night, I found little piles of garbage that we’re not actually making it to the garbage. Specifically, I have a lot of plastic sheeting lying around. These were purchased by the previous owners. Some of it is now shredded and no longer useful for any purpose and needs to find its way at least to the garbage wagon today. I can’t give this job to Ghenna because he will only transport the garbage illegally to the forest. We had this conversation directly. We understand each other but certain of his practices I cannot allow with my signature on them.
I guess this is the thing about working within the philosophy of the Soviet Union. It is a two-edged sword. Certain parts of the corruption are painless. Certain thefts perhaps put a strain on organizational budgets but other actions have significant repercussions. This would be personal perhaps and specifically for the things I’m speaking about, ecologically. Of course, these things never should have been brought on to this territory. Pretty much the only garbage I make here is in the form of plastic. All organic material can be recycled one way or another. It’s all of this bloody plastic that is the nuisance.
All this being said, I sometimes think of the possibilities of a greenhouse. You can certainly construct a greenhouse made of glass but no matter how well built such a structure would be, you’re going to have breakage. Glass of course can be recycled if you have the wherewithal and technology to do so. I have a lot of sand here as a natural resource and I have thought that blowing glass might be an interesting hobby to get into. I doubt I could find the time to develop my own skills to do this but it might be kind of fun to have such a thing locally.
Usually, greenhouses are simply structures covered by plastic tarps. The obviousness in terms of benefits to growing plants goes without saying. You have a warmer, more humid atmosphere that is extremely conducive to growing things. Your season can start earlier and last longer. But you need to be able to function. You need to be able to walk out there and do the work necessary. You either need the physical wear with all to do this work or you need someone with the physical wherewithal to be there. I don’t have either at the moment and I’m not really interested in bringing all that plastic out here. And when we are done, and plastic has a life cycle, I don’t want it ending up in the forest and I don’t want it ending up in the landfill.
No, the answer to the question is perennials that can survive in whatever the natural situation is. I’m going to need drought resistant plants, I’m going to need plants that produce in abundance in reasonable situations. I don’t have any ambitions to go completely rogue. I don’t really have enough land in my disposal to be 100% independent. I can see the engineering behind such a situation. I have never done so but I could work out a plan that would have the possibility to meet one years worth of calories for myself. But this is a stunt much more than reality. I can’t do this completely alone.
Maybe at least metaphorically this is a lesson for all of us. Certainly, we could take an example of Ukraine. Right now, it is an event for them to get grain shipments out of their port. The profits to the country are great and necessary. The profits to the small time growers are for the most part insignificant but in terms of making use of State lands for State profits, it was a vital point that those ships sail down with all of those many tons of grain.
I’m saying this because I ran into Tanya last night. She was as usual being as diligent as possible to find money for herself. She was gathering apples from some of the trees that people planted here but don’t care so much about. She picks up the apples and puts them in bags and hauls them in a hand cart to the local store.
The store is actually broken into two functions. The right side is a place where people can buy their vodka, sweets and basic high calorie low nutrition goods. The left side is an organization that buys agricultural products for extremely little money.
Tanya told me that you need 10 kg of apples to receive a single ruble. You need 25 kilos of apples to receive a single dollar. She told me that her efforts have netted her perhaps 50 rubles. This is about $20 for however many hours of physical labor she went through.
I learned this lesson when I first tried doing agriculture. You can’t really think in terms of finances when playing games here. I decided then that I would never work commercially. There is no such crop that I could grow that would make a difference. There are people who do this. There are people who have converted their entire properties to greenhouses. There are tomato farmers and I know one guy who specifically grows tulips every year for the 8th of March celebration. There are people doing microgreens these days and doing tree and shrub farms. There are independent agricultural specialists who grow potatoes to sell at the marketplace. It’s an incredibly tough business.
I am for the most part thinking like a retired person and I am grateful for this. I am also grateful that I found a particular specialty that I could use here over the last two decades to allow me a little bit of a bank account to retire on. I am on a tight budget but I am not obligated to gather apples for pennies. Everything that I do here is just to provide myself with some healthy food and some exercise and something to do during the day. Everything that I’m doing here is much more selfish or even just for the gift giving. I’m just in it for the food and fresh air, thank God.
I’m also noticing a widening gap between myself and my ex partner. As I am moving further and further away from being a city dweller, I’m noticing less and less common bonds between us. I understand how she lives and I cannot blame her. I’m not talking about deeply negative emotions forming. I’m just talking about becoming irritated by having City foods transported to me. I’m getting a little annoyed at being serviced by supermarkets. This is not to say that I don’t dip my toes in those Waters. There are certain Staples that are only available this way. Grains specifically. I’m just saying that I seem to be happier by limiting that.
It’s hard to explain this. It’s not really about numbers or even calorie counting. It’s just a style of feeding myself that differs when you simply work with what you have rather than agreeing that you can just walk over to the store and buy what you want. You can include all of the profits to the oil business and the food corporations that go along with supermarket food. But I am just talking about the difference in your diet when you eat what you have first.
One example of this is that last year, I had huge amounts of zucchini. I had so much zucchini last year, it became a staple of my diet. But because I was here and because I was not looking for the supermarket to save me, I hate many, many meals of potatoes and zucchinis. This may sound boring but you can prepare things differently, you can change the taste profile. But even more than that, it was not unpleasant to have all of those potato and zucchini meals. I felt great, I was happy to be eating these meals and I enjoyed them when I had them. In fact, I felt pretty smart to have created a potato and zucchini Garden that allowed me so much food last year.
This year, I don’t have so many zucchinis. I have some. But the thing of it is that I enjoy the process of working with the plant that is growing these zucchinis. I enjoy thinking a day or two in advance and waiting to take the zucchinis until such time that I need them or want them. This is a much different symbiosis. This is not whim or style. This is my relationship with this plant and how much food I get to take from it.
There is also the matter of saving not only some food for later but also saving seeds. If this plant is growing successfully here, saving some seeds from it might help to create something good next year. Perhaps I will be a bit better at creating beds for my plants next year. Perhaps next year I will have more appropriate materials to help me out. Perhaps next year we will have a bit more abundance.
The point is that if I need to eat two meals a day, I need a certain amount of calories and a certain amount of diversity. But because I eat vegan, everything really is just about proteins and starches and greens. I’ve said this any number of times but the diet itself is about proteins, starches and sugars. I’m just saying that it seems to be more enjoyable and fulfilling, especially during the harvest season, to do my meal planning based on improvisation from what I have available than it is what can be bought from the store. Literally, the store food is annoying to me right now.
Perhaps metaphorically it’s like being in a love relationship where there is some cheating. Of course we can argue about whether one is cheating or whether one is simply getting what they need. There is an argument for both sides unfortunately and things are never so easy. There is always fault on both sides.
What I’m saying is that I have and I am working on a relationship with my field and this village. Every time I go outside of this relationship, especially if it is for something that I do not need, it feels like I am cheating. It feels like I’m lying.
It also has the miserable habit of forcing me into overeating. There is definitely a difference between eating what you have and working with what you have in terms of what your diet is going to be and the sort of abundance you can get at the supermarket. I just am not living a city life anymore. It’s not about riding my bicycle over to the market. I respect the ladies who bring food to the market or who used to bring food to the market. I respect local and seasonal. I’m just saying that it is annoying to suddenly have several kilograms of something show up that didn’t come along with any work and wasn’t part of your original planning.
I think I’ve probably made my point here and I’m pretty sure this is not the first time I’ve talked about this. I just seem to be heading in a particular direction. I’m not sorry to be going where I’m going and I’m enjoying the journey. Eventually, like for all things and all people, this is going to be a one-way ride. I don’t get to play games on this planet forever and my physical capacity to take care of myself is also going to be on a one-way ride. I am not a young man anymore and I am not so physically capable of doing all of the things my ambitions have set for myself.
I do have some beautiful pictures in my head. This ambition that I have is very similar to when I used to use my energies to write plays. I used to enjoy being in the middle of writing projects. I love creating scenarios. I also enjoy other people enjoying my creations.
Exactly like creating a dramatical scenario, I have beautiful pictures in my head of plants growing and flowering and fruiting all around me. I have pictures in my head of just toddling down the path to grab my breakfast straight from a bush or a tree. These things that live here with me become friends. I can look at them and check their health exactly as I do with people that I know and love. I have a beautiful picture in my head of being able to take care of this little parcel of land I have and for it to function and be a good habitat for lots and lots and lots of life.
I think I would just be happier doing this without all of the cheating. All of that cheating seems to diminish the value of what you have and puts a strain on your relationships. I mean, if you want to have rice in your life, you’re going to have to buy it. Unless you truly believe in potatoes, you’re going to want to have some grain. Unless you absolutely believe in the power of pumpkins, you’re going to want some bread. I am not talking about trying to find 100% vegan food security from my little piece of dirt next to a dying Forest. I am just talking about having healthy relationships with my friends.
Anyway, it is still very early. Perhaps there is the faintest sense of light creeping into the sky. The window in the warm room looks to the east, Northeast specifically but enough to the east to catch the sun coming up. I am assuming it’s going to happen but it hasn’t happened yet. Pretty soon it’s not going to happen until much later in the morning. That’s the trick about 52° north latitude. When you have sun, it’s in abundance and when it goes away, you get quite a bit of darkness.
***
It’s 10:20 and I have just finished an arduous set of morning chores. I don’t remember this much leg pain. I haven’t had it this bad in a long time. This was seriously torturous. It is seriously torturous. But I had things to do and I can’t go cheap on my chores. That’s just not the way to do things.
Today was the first time I did everything hobbling around on crutches. It definitely made the going very slow and very foolish. Obviously I was more wasteful of water than usual because I just didn’t have the speed or dexterity to stop things at certain times. There is a nuance about this internet based on and off switch that’s attached to the pump. I can only go so far out into my field before I lose connection. Once it’s gone, it takes some time to get back but basically, you have to plan on this nuance when you do your watering. You have to plan on that hose running until you get back up within range. And even then, it will be a couple of minutes to hook up.
Practically what this means is that if you’re working your way from the top to the bottom, which is I think the best way to do this, you ignore some boxes on the border of the reception and just walk past them down to the lower part of the garden. There, you do whatever you need to do and then on your way back up, you hit the things you missed. It’s not that big of a deal but regardless of how fat I am in the water department these days, I hate wasting water. This is ecological knowledge of the world. It’s also probably from growing up in Northern California. LA would always steal a lot of our water and we were always aware that we were in drought.
When I was done, I tried out a few new things that I have been thinking of now that I have such accurate and available water. Instead of farming it out, I did my own wash. I was able to do this quite easily by sitting on a bench with a pair of buckets in front of me, a little bit of soap and the willingness to stick my hands in and do the job. I remember that I used to have a toilet plunger that did the job equally as well and saved me from dishpan hands. I have two small blisters on the palm of my left hand right now from something. Not painful.
After this, I also took the trouble to refill my water buckets. I was a long way from actually needing this but if you have the water in hand and it’s only one click on your telephone away from functioning, why not use it?
Now the plants are well watered, my laundry is done and hanging up on the line, the kitchen got about half cleaned this morning. This was another job that I thought about farming out but if I’m not getting very good response from the people I would be farming these jobs out to, I guess doing it myself saves me some money and gives me something to do. I have a few ideas of where this new found industry comes from. In fact I’m positive I know where this new found industry comes from or at least several of the primary reasons for it. In any case, the work is done and I am a little bit more comfortable on the couch not having to worry about jobs that are sitting around driving me crazy.
I do have one job that I would love to get to if I’m feeling it. It would definitely require getting up out of this office and going back out on the field. But like I said yesterday, I have several examples of plastic tarp lying around. Some of it is useful and some of it is shredded and garbage. The garbage truck comes today and though I completely doubt that they do anything ecologically sound with all of this plastic, I would love to take the opportunity to get this shit off my land once and for all. To my eyes there is nothing uglier than shredded plastic lying around in the middle of nature doing nothing but waiting to poison or kill something.
It’s a bit overcast now. The weather and the air temperature was very strange this morning. I got up and started moving earlier than usual. Lately I haven’t been even bothering to do anything until even 8:00. Today I decided to get up and start moving very early and got caught in how cool it is in the mornings here. Today is the day that I am sure the season is starting to move. Today is the day I can definitely feel autumn or at least the absence of Summer. The temperature is starting to drop. We may have a spike. It is possible to have late season spikes. But I’m thinking we are definitely heading into its slow decline. I definitely think we are heading into its slow dry decline.
We had a lot of snow last year. We had more snow than usual. Some of it was very nice. I missed the first part of the winter and even the New years because I was in the hospital or with my ex partner. I don’t really know what’s going to happen to me this year. I don’t know if I am going to heal or if I’m going to need more medical Care. I can see going back into the hospital. I can’t see liking it but I can see it happening.
I’ll tell you what though. If I do end up heading back into the hospital, I am going to make sure I have a strict delivery service bringing me the things I need at least three times a week. I know my ex partner handled this job the last time but I’m not sure this would be something I would want to repeat. It’s not a matter of whether she would do it or not. Actually, if I did have to do such a thing, I think I would make arrangements to do this in Minsk. Something tells me that it would be better all around to at least be closer to the experts. There’s no way the medical accommodations will be that much better. They might be but I doubt it. I just think if this ends up to be the situation, I would be best suited being in a place where I could get the best care.
This is just dreaming actually. The last thing I want to do is go back to the hospital. If how much pain I am in is any indication though, I might have to. If I can’t get over this current situation, I genuinely cannot see spending the rest of my life like this. This is absolutely not the way I wish to walk around on the planet.
I guess that’s pretty weird talking about a moment of self-sufficiency mixed in with thoughts of complete physical incapacitation. I don’t know what my options are. I just want to be healthy. There is nothing else in my life that really means anything to me. I just want to feel healthy and able to take care of myself. I have a lovely place here that perhaps could become something really interesting within a couple of years of effort. I would truly hate to miss the opportunity to do this because I simply couldn’t make my body do the work anymore.
Okay, crazy thoughts.
If I’m going to get the plastic out of here, it will have to be put together and out the front gate by about 3:15. I haven’t heard from anybody about doing any work. Tomorrow is the day for Lena to do her thing. I don’t know if and when Ghenna will come by to take his coal briquettes. I have a job I would love him to do if he was open to it. It’s a job I could do myself perhaps but not really. He is way, way more able-bodied than me and if he ends up in need of a bottle, I’ll be happy to put him to work.
That’s enough personal stuff for now. I think I’m just going to take it easy for an hour or two. I have a bunch of these beautiful cinnamon apples sitting next to me. Really, they are the tastiest apples I’ve ever had in my entire life. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to need. I’m full of water, the kitchen is clean, the plants have been watered and the wash has been done and hung out to dry. All things considered, I’m feeling pretty good at the moment.
***
It’s about 3:00 p.m. right now and I’m still in the office. This doesn’t mean that I’ve been here all day. It means I finally made it back here to put my legs up. Putting my legs up has been the only thought in my head all day. I thought I had it nailed until everybody showed up looking for work.
I cannot explain the intense pain this morning. Just moving was absolute brutality. I had managed to do the watering and to do my wash and to even sweep up a little bit. I even made a pretty good breakfast, nothing special, just some things that were lying around. All I wanted in the world was to sit down and put my legs up and allow things to relax a little bit. Really, it was the only thing I was thinking of.
Suddenly Lena was at my gate. Did I need anything? I really wanted to be nice but the answer was no. The washing was already on the line. I had tried to call the night before but she wasn’t available. One of my neighborly projects might have to be to find her a simple mobile telephone. She only has a landline, she has nothing to do with the internet, if she wants your attention, she walks over and asks for it.
I truly felt bad saying no but the absolute truth is I did not want to get up off the couch. I did not want to walk to my front gate and unlock it. Literally, the pain was so intense I did not want to walk over and open up the gate.
I did my best to explain it to her and assured her that tomorrow, our normal day, everything will be as it must be. I understand that she is dependent on me for a few extra rubles every week. I am aware of our situation and I do everything I can to see that I have at least these simple tasks every week and enough money to pay her. I appreciate her efforts towards me and I try to be at least reasonable to keep the provisional work going.
I just couldn’t get off the couch. I told her exactly that. There was no flowery story. I simply did not want to get up on my feet, the wash was already done, I was not in need of anything to buy anywhere and even if I was, I was not going to make the walk to my front path.
She took it well, promised to come tomorrow and made it on her way. I was happy that there were no explosions or anger involved. I was even more happy that there was no begging. She was pretty cool about it and just mosey the way with a few happy words and a graceful exit.
This break from getting up lasted exactly 5 minutes. This is when Ghenna showed up with Masha the horse and a cart. I heard him talking to the horse and called out the window asking if he had come to see me but he didn’t answer. He could have just as easily been heading to the next door neighbor’s house to haul away more wood. I was absolutely thrilled when it seemed that he wasn’t coming for me.
Then my phone rang one time. I guess this was his way of doing what I asked him and calling first. I don’t know why he called me from out in front of my house. I knew he was out there and I didn’t understand why he didn’t hear me when I called out his name. But if he was here with the horse cart, I assumed he was coming to take the charcoal away and maybe even the garbage that we had unearthed yesterday with all of the cleanup work.
I tell you, the walk out to the rear gate was brutal. Even worse, I knew I was not only opening up the rear gate, I also had to make the walk down to the barn to open it up. This was too much walking. I told him as I approached him waiting for me at the gate. I told him how horrible my legs were today and how much pain I was in. I told him he should have called first before he even bothered to come up and see me. He tried to raise his arms in a “what can you do?” Gesture but that was bullshit. He could have just bloody well called me and I would have told him to let it go until tomorrow.
I don’t know if it’s worth exploring why I said no to Lena but yes to Ghenna. It might be as simple as that I had done the work that she would normally do for me and was pretty happy to save the money. The work that Ghenna would do would have been absolute torture for me. There was a reason why I haven’t gotten to it in months or in some cases more than a year. I tell you, if I had legs I would be so happy.
He was just too prepared to ignore. He had the horse cart which I understood was not exactly his. He had to check it out from the State farm in order to use it. I’m incredibly happy that he has this ability to transport materials. I’m also incredibly happy at his light handed way of acquiring materials sometimes. You can say bad things about everybody but a penny saved is a penny better spent on another day.
He told me that he had a possibility of coming up with some steel posts by the end of the week. He said that all he could get was 2 m posts. I wanted two and a half meters so that the overhang eventually would be high enough. His line is that you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth and we could always weld in extensions as we needed them. Four posts and a wire would not cost much of anything and it would satisfy the job of getting the grape Vines trestled. They need it. They are starting to grasp onto weeds around them and they are too long. It’s a bad idea to leave them in this weakened stage for too long.
What he wanted to do for the day is to rebuild a walkway heading down into the barn and to do something about some termites that have been eating a corner of my woodshed. Those termites have been eating the corner for quite some time. I tried a couple of things to get rid of them and he just smiled. You just poison him and then your place is clean. I’ve said this a number of times, we do not exactly see eye to eye about everything.
The final work tally was cleaning out the crappy plastic that was cluttering up the barn, removing the charcoal briquettes and taking them home for himself, building a reasonably sound walkway for getting in and out of the barn and working on the termites. That seemed fair to me and the cost was his usual idea of cheapness. Nobody’s paying anything for the charcoal briquettes. I just want them out of my barn and he wants to use them to save money on heating during the winter.
I took a seat on one of my garden boxes and just stayed nearby. It was good being outside. I noticed that if I just completely ignored my leg, it didn’t hurt so much. Getting up on it was renewed agony. But just sitting there was comfortable enough. I definitely need more exercise than I’m getting these days but I don’t know what else to say about this leg business. It’s torture.
I’m not sure that these things are connected but the Russian word for fire is огонь (agon). I was thinking if this is somehow connected to the English word agony. They sound very close. It would be a Christian reference if it was but it didn’t matter.
He was done in a pretty short period of time and then told me that he was obligated to get home and pay for the gas. If I believed him from the last money that I gave him yesterday, apparently this same money today was also going to the gas people. One of these stories was not true and if he shows up drunk, and he probably will show up drunk, we know the answer to the question. I mean, what the hell do you think he does with these day wages?
That will theoretically be in about an hour. I had to leave the back door open so he could bring the horse in and get to what you need. He will probably be back tomorrow as well and do some cultivating in the lower gardens. I have some grass growing in there and I have a pretty good tool to rip it out. I started using this the other day. I am off my feet now. It isn’t exactly the healing part that I was into before, unfortunately this is different. But I’m off my feet right now and staying that way as much as I can.
So no matter what, tomorrow in the morning I’ll probably do some watering and make sure everything is open for my friends. This is a pretty cool word to say. I’m grateful for the help so let’s call them friends. Lena will do her normal cleanup and then push me to see if I need anything at the store. I’m not convinced that I do honestly but I guess it’s important to make sure that she gets a normal paycheck.
Honestly, if it wasn’t so bloody painful, I would have opened up and let her in and found something for her to do. There’s always something that needs to be done and my hobby seems to be remaining as couch bound as possible. One of these days I’ll get past this. If not, I can see more hospital time in the future. I’ve talked enough about that thought. I’d rather not return to it.
Other than that, I’m obligated to lock everything up this evening. I probably have to make something to eat for dinner even though I’m really not very hungry. I might keep it super simple for myself. I actually should go down to the field and take some veggies that are ready but maybe I will leave that for tomorrow. I really do not want to get up on my legs anymore if I don’t have to. Maybe when I close up the fence I’ll head down there and pick up a zucchini and some greens. I might as well be healthy when I eat.
***
It’s 5:30 and I just called to find out where Ghenna was. I’m pretty interested in closing up the gate and being done with this day. I am feeling a little better leg wise. The day of rest helped out. But what I’m really interested in is closing up shop and not worrying about being disturbed anymore.
I’m beginning to get the feeling that my greatest joy in life is not being disturbed. I know this is probably bothersome for some people to hear but my bullshit detector has become kind of expensive. I get tired of using it and would be better off, if there’s nothing truly interesting to talk about, to be left alone.
When I called him, he didn’t sound particularly drunk. People have things that they do and for the most part, I understand that we’re supposed to take all of these things with a grain of salt. I just have a particular situation in that I don’t really want to walk around this evening and closing the gate requires this. I would be most happy to have this little chore behind me so I might relax and enjoy my evening.
This does not mean I live in complete isolation. It just means that I get emails, notices by the social networks or telephone calls. I even get phone text messages. Lots of people contact me. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s just that physical showing up business that is annoying the shit out of me. Maybe I’ve been single for too long but frankly, I enjoy the verbal relationship more than the physical. My legs suck these days and I’d rather not be obligated to run around with people. I am not going to enter any dance competitions and I absolutely am not looking for physical confrontations based upon a change in some psychotic’s mood.
There was also something else that happened today. I went out to take in the laundry and I noticed a moving van was parked in the chicken people’s driveway. Sure, this might have been a work-related thing. I think the woman sells used clothes or something like that. I think this is called second hand. This is a possible reason but then there is the absolute beautiful thought that they are moving to town either for the winter or permanently.
The moment I saw that truck, my imagination started running wild. They were all kinds of strange thoughts going through my head. The most pervasive of it would be what the chicken woman herself has as a genuine reason for such a move. I’m just swatting flies here but it is possible if this is true that she has actually had a moment of logic. That would be incredible.
That would not actually be enough to make us friends. I have met these people and I have seen their character over a very long period of time. I know who they are and I know how that mind works. There is actually no way that there was a moment of reason behind this except in some secret way perhaps. Perhaps I have become influential in her mood. Perhaps I have inspired thought to solve the problem. Perhaps she is tired of living next to someone who she knows she screwed and that she has absolutely no power that would enable her to clean her hands.
She knows that she lied and I never do anything to allow her out of her box.
This is only conjecture. We are not actually on friendly terms so I didn’t hollow over and ask what the moving truck was. I also didn’t go over and look to see. I just know that a van was in the front part of their driveway and it would be a remarkable instrument to carry clothing and furniture to a different location.
I will know in a few days the story here. It’s probably nothing and the misery and the poison will probably continue. You can’t expect moments of rapturous logic from chickens and alcoholics and other such psychotics. You can’t really expect the woman to turn into a human being all at the same time. I can see they’re being some emotional strain. It doesn’t take much to play with a hysterical chicken’s emotions. In fact, I don’t have to do anything but live my life and this in and of itself is probably enough to drive her crazy. Sorry boo boo, no attention for you.
Anyway, it’s almost 6:00 and I’m either going to make some dinner or just close up the gate and tell them to fuck off till tomorrow. It’s not my problem and he is due tomorrow for some more work as well. I gave the guy some money from the work he did and it was a good price for a good day’s work. I’m not complaining about that. I am just complaining about being made to wait for his arrival. I want to close my gate and quit this day once and for all.
I guess that’s the way it goes in Paradise sometimes. They say you have to take the bitter with the sweet. I say that everything in the world is a little good and a little bad. I don’t need very much to be happy. I just wish I could move around a little more.
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