Monday, August 29th 2022
This is another one of these lazy Monday mornings. I guess it is a flag of my Independence but I have no need to get on the Monday morning back-to-work bus. Do I feel lonely because of this attachment? Absolutely not. I’m not missing anything, I’m not late for anything and I have no need to rush for anything.
I’ve been up for a little while. I haven’t actually done anything of any importance but my eyes have been open. I was greeted by a Ukrainian sky. Blue and yellow. I went to bed with the first coolness of the Fall. You could tell that the heat had broken. They say it’s going to be warm again today but not as warm and the temperature is starting to drop. There is also that ozone smell in the air that gives the potential for rain. I wish the planet was well. I wish it didn’t have cancer. I wish our world wasn’t so sick and I could believe that life was okay and going on as normal. This is the thing about cancer. This is definitely the thing about cancer.
As to the answer of what the cancer is on the planet Earth, that’s an easy one. It’s us. People are the cancerous element on the planet. People are the ones creating environmental destruction. People are cancer.
This hasn’t always been true. It’s hard to say where the mistake came from. I was looking at some planetary history that concerned the end of the previous ice age. Something about how people migrated on foot over the land bridge that used to connect Asia and North America. How when the ice melted and the oceans rose and people broke off into their individual regions, we started evolving different cultures of survival. Those in the north differed from those in the south.
But no matter how we changed, I don’t think we ever truly became cancer until recently. I’m not talking about thousands of years, I’m talking about hundreds of years.
This would be the Industrial Revolution. The rise of industry. The rise of mechanization. That’s what killed the planet. Capitalism killed the planet. Capitalism is cancer.
As to how I came up with this, I think there are a few places that you can look. If you check historical global population statistics, you’ll see something really interesting. The amount of human beings on the planet stayed constant from about the time of the Roman empire until just a few hundred years ago when it started spiraling upwards. What caused that was driving people from the country to the city where they found themselves in closer proximity to each other. More childbirth. More childbirth and more lazy people. More Middle Men and more managers and other useless people doing what they need to survive physically.
The rise in population and the rise of middlemen and carpetbaggers led to changes that were unhealthy for everyone. We just kept getting crazier and lazier.
And of course City life means consumerism.
You know, I could go online and get you charts and crafts but I don’t really need to do that. I’ve been doing this for 3 years. I found enough charts and graphs. I’ve given enough references and pointed out enough things. I’m really tired of trying to be smart for stupid people. I don’t really give a damn whether you believe me or not. And for the most part, it seems like all of this work just gets done for people who never do any work themselves. All I ever get is people looking to play defense against my offense. Not for any particular practical reason. Just because they’re bored and are sitting on the internet waiting for someone to fuck with.
It seems like I can’t go anywhere without the negativity coming back. When I bought this house, I really was optimistic that things would go well. I wasn’t expecting to have poisonous people living next door to me. I wasn’t expecting to be living next to trolls. I mean, I could have just started out with hatred on the first day. They did. They live their lives with the hatred. I was just on my way out.
I guess that’s the thing about hateful people. They just can’t stop themselves from touching other people.
I wasn’t going to mention this but there was just a moment during the weekend when I saw the chicken lady following the other neighbor’s daughter down the road. As far as I can understand, this is the only enjoyment she gets out of life. She gets to pretend she’s innocent for a few seconds. She is entitled to this you see. She believes she is entitled to this.
It’s ironic that when my neighbors look at me, they believe that I am jealous of their little people. They believe I am a vampire like they are. They believe I just cannot wait to suck a little innocence off, like a Virgin popsicle. I’m not. I don’t need the work. I don’t need to waste my time. I am not a caregiver. I don’t want dogs or cats or children around anymore. It’s not interesting to me and it serves no purpose other than to eventually be a drain on my money. Which is probably what they had in mind the whole time. If I were to take an interest in their children, I might contribute money to their future.
This is the problem with my head these days. Too much ugliness. Too much human cancer. Too many cancerous humans touching me. Too much poison from too many cancerous human beings. Too many human beings touching each other and spreading their cancer. I guess that’s the beauty of the car business. It gives us a vehicle to carry our cancer farther.
My goodness, I descended into a foul mood pretty quickly, didn’t I? Unfortunately, this is honesty. That’s the worst part of all of this. When all you want to do is tell the truth and your honesty turns out to be pitch black and cancerous, it’s synergistic already.
Zelinsky got in a conversation with Jimmy Fallon, the former Saturday night live comic and current late night television host. It’s important to stay in the public eye.
I’m against this war. I am against War. I am against the Russians generally. I am against the corruption , the fascism and the abuse of privilege. I’m against the oil business generally and the weapons business. I’m against the oil business more than anything else.
One thought however that I just cannot get out of my head is that there’s not that much difference between the ukrainians and the Russians. Perhaps there was a time when the Russians were polite. I seem to remember a time when this was a very respectful place to live. We were impoverished of course, we were kept in poverty. I can talk about that any number of times how any initiative was crushed and any shrewdness taken away. Again, I have these facts at my disposal but you can just take my word for it now.
The center that we all got pushed towards is the same thing that has happened to Ukraine. The change from quiet and polite to vicious and cruel all started at the same time for the same reasons. It was imperialism from the Russians.
My point is that the world absolutely hates Belarusians now and loves Ukrainians. I’m not speaking with any sense of jealousy here, I’m just saying that this flag waving and love and open-heartedness is for exactly the same people with exactly the same background. One group of slavics gets ruined with sanctions and another group of slavics gets lionized and saved. But we are the same hateful shitty people and unfortunately, the end result of all of this, either fighting the war or looking forward to the end of the war, is more perpetuation of the oil business and the weapon business and the security business and this miserable globalization that is in fact the cancer of the planet. The death of nature is being ignored while we play these popularity games.
I found this on Instagram talking about the beginning of the school year. What caught me was what was important enough to be discussed at this conference. “The topic of discussion was citizenry, morality and patriotism”. Why these would set up a red flag seems pretty simple. It seems that extending the concept of slavery is more important than practical education, ecology, Independence, working for your community or even practical survival skills. The only things that are important are to be good people in the eyes of the state.
Globalism is the cancer and we just can’t help ourselves from screwing with little children.
I posted that because it was from Pinsk. I posted it because although the people that put it out believed that it was supposed to be inspirational for their belief system, I can’t see anything but fascism and all of this. I can’t see anything but the thinking that has led us into war and more poverty and more fighting and more ugliness and more hate.
This is kind of a cheap shot, I agree. It is from the same Instagram page and it was published by the police department. It seems that somebody needed money so they broke into a post office to steal 3000 rubles. A little bit more than $1,000. And to get this, they set the place on fire and burned an employee to death. One wonders the thought process behind such actions. That they needed money and were desperate is obvious. But what was the thinking behind burning the whole thing down to the ground? How did such brutality get into their mind? Where do such brutal ideas come from?
All I’m saying is that there is great darkness here. I understand that there is great darkness everywhere. But I’m pointing out this darkness, this evil, this cancer and I’m trying to show how we all propagate this. We contribute to the cancer. We contribute to the darkness. We are the evil of the planet. We meaning people. And we need to try something different because we are committing suicide by practicing all of this evil.
If you’d like to ask me where to start, I would say here:
https://vk.com/wall-29612534_67631
This is from another Russian based social media site. Opposition to animal cruelty exists here as well. But perhaps the two places to start would be to end animal cruelty and then to accept that humans are in fact animals as well. Perhaps we could allow these ideas to creep into our head. Perhaps we could teach our children these fundamental truths as part of their education. Perhaps we should teach them kindness and to be opposed to cruelty rather than accepting cruelty as a part of their duty.
Just call these words of wisdom from a guy who does not have to get up on Monday morning.
I’m thinking bread and hummus this morning. Does bread and hummus sound good on the first morning of the Fall? I think the autumnal equinox is September 22. I believe though that at 52 degrees north latitude, the Autumn starts today. So does School, or at least within a few days.
Yeah, bread and hummus would seem absolutely perfect for today. I’m going to go get on that right now.
***
The oil business is about oil as much as you being a lawyer is about the law. Every day is a knife fight in a prison yard and something tells me you like a good knife fight.
Some writer wrote this because his job depended on it. Some actor said this and a studio filmed it and sent it out to a broadcast company which gave it to America all because their jobs depended on it and they thought they would make some money by saying it.
In the scene, this was said by oil business executive who barely avoided going to jail for several crimes, none ironically having to do with being in the oil business which should be considered murder. The lawyer she is talking to managed to get her to pay a fine, use stolen blood money, instead of taking a prison sentence. Being out of prison led her to inviting this lawyer to lunch where she made a pitch to hire him. This was the line she said hoping it would tickle his fancy and make him realize that he was exactly like her.
I just watched this line be performed while I’m waiting for my bread to bake. The bread itself has simple dry ingredients, whole wheat and white, mostly whole wheat. The wet ingredients include some horseradish greens and a couple of green beans straight off the pole. I mixed it into a wet pile with some soda and a little vinegar to activate it and tossed it in my malfunctioning oven. I really need to talk to someone about this wonderful new oven.
The idea of how to make this bread came to me while I was wandering of around my field. I should not be overdoing it which is why I’m back inside already. I just thought I would do a little work while I was out there. The idea was to run a cultivator through the lower gardens to bother the grass that wants to grow there. This cultivator has two sharp tongs and does a really good job of pulling up the grassroots. I’m probably never going to get all of it but the more I do, the last grass there will be.
While I was doing it I noticed again how beautiful a thing horseradish is. When I was packing through the past on the road to harvesting and starting the prep work for next year’s addition to this Garden, I cut down quite a bit of horseradish that was there. It didn’t bother me one bit because I have so much of it. But this morning, I noticed how unbelievably beautiful and green the new leaves were. That’s the thing about horseradish. If the leaves start to get old and hard, just drop them down and within a short period of time you get brand new fresh leaves.
I tell you what, I used to think that napa cabbage was the greatest food known to man. My current thinking is that horseradish might be better.
What is the nutritional value of horseradish leaves?
Horseradish has a million possibilities, lots of flavor and no fat. In 1 tablespoon of prepared horseradish, there are only 6 calories, 1.4 grams of carbohydrates, 14 milligrams of sodium, 44 milligrams of potassium, 9 milligrams of calcium, 5 milligrams of phosphorous AND ZERO FAT.
Are horseradish leaves medicinal?
Some people take horseradish by mouth for urinary tract infections, kidney stones, fluid retention, infections of the respiratory tract, cough, achy joints (rheumatism), gallbladder disorders, sciatic nerve pain, gout, colic, and intestinal worms in children.
During the seasonal changes, horseradish roots help detoxify the liver, tackle biliary tract disorders and take in mineral salts and vitamins.
Is horseradish good for your gut?
It helps with Digestion. Along with the taste we love, horseradish helps promote healthy digestion. For instance, it aids in liver function. Horseradish is part of a group called cholagogues because it triggers the gallbladder to release bile, a key aspect of the digestive process that helps keep your whole system healthy.
I rest my case. It not only is very healthy and it not only is delicious, it’s free and requires absolutely no work to keep it going.
Excuse me for a minute. I think my bread is ready.
The bread came out perfect. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside. The hummus is not bad but a little saltier than I had intended. Maybe I made a mistake there. It’s not inedible, it’s just a little salt here and then I wanted.
***
Apparently I touched someone with my writing already this morning. I got my first troll.
You want nothing other than to stay out of harm’s Way.
I like two things about this comment. Firstly, it never amazes me how people just love to condense large interesting pieces of information into oversimplified bullshit for stupid people. You say something that has wide-ranging implications, and someone will find one little nuance that will make an emotional impact on someone. Why do we do this? I don’t know, christianity? Fascism? This is the bullshit we have been doing with language since language was developed.
I can see why people love to do this. It’s part of the Sato masochistic fascist culture that we all grow up in. As we listen to other people simplify great problems for us, all we want is to become a simplifier. It’s the best job. It requires no physical effort and it manipulates other people to work for you. God love a lazy manipulative person.
I for one have had my fill of lazy manipulative people. It seems that all I ever do is right about lazy manipulative people. People trying to get money without working. People looking for some kind of an advantage when they don’t deserve it.
Actually, I’m being manipulated right now. Ghenna just showed up with a horse cart.
I was wrong, he was not here for me. He has come to take away the dead trees. Apparently my neighbor has offered him the wood if he wants it so he is taking that home for winter use.
I called him over with a five rule note and a 20 l bucket. I asked him if he wouldn’t mind giving me the apples off of the trees that got knocked down. He smiled. This was absolutely no problem. He also asked if he could come by with a cart tomorrow and take away the charcoal brickhouse from my barn. I offered them to him also for free. I don’t burn that shit. He does. I don’t know what else to say about that.
We also decided that perhaps I was somewhat to blame for this entire debacle. I mentioned to my neighbors that the forest service took from my parcel of land 600 square meters because the forest had asserted itself. Instead of allowing part of the forest to be owned, they simply took it off the property and nobody ever protested. I found out about all of this while dealing with the local government office over my paperwork.
In one of my conversations with the kindergarten teacher, I might have told her to be careful not to let the land go too badly. The entire back half of her property has been reclaimed by the forest because they never used it.The period of time has probably been something like 10 years if not more and the entire back part of her property is basically all for us now.
What I had in mind was simply to cut back some of the undergrowth. I never thought that she should cut down any of the fruit trees, wild or otherwise. I never intended for her to cut everything down and turn the place into a parking lot. I never asked her to destroy the entire habitat. I just mentioned that if she didn’t want the great block of land and didn’t use it, she should take care.
Or she should sell it to me. I wanted that land exactly as it was. I liked all the current fruit trees and I like the forest creeping in. I like that place exactly as it was and also recognized that there was enough wood in there to probably last a decade.
Who knows what lurks in the minds of stupid people?
***
This is probably the most delicious apple I’ve ever tasted in my life. Ghenna says that they are called ranette, I don’t know anything about this particular type of green apple. He said that it’s supposed to be sour but in its current state of life, it is hard and firm and as delicious as any Apple I have ever tasted in my life. I wouldn’t say that it’s sour, it has a delicate sweetness to it. I also see that for an apple tree that has not in any way been cared for, these apples have not been ravaged by insects or worms. There are worm holes in some of them, I’m not going to argue. But without the slightest effort to care for them in any way, these trees grew the most delicious fruit.
I’ve got another bucket coming later in the day.
I talked to Ghenna about getting started on trellising the vineyard. I don’t have a vineyard but I have several wine plants. We agree that two and a half meters of steel would be enough. I need six right now. After that we just run wire between them and this will be enough for the plants to grow on. He suggested oak posts. We have oak in abundance here. I agree that oak will last a long time in the ground. But it won’t last as long as steel and I would rather not have my trellis collapse before my wine plants do. This point was agreed upon. Maybe that’s going to happen this week.
I am currently enjoying some ranette apple slices with hummus. I think I found the answer to the saltiness problems. The bread is tasty and filling but the Apple makes a better dipping instrument. It’s currently every taste in the world at the same time. Absolutely phenomenal.
I’ll check in with more later but this is the scoop from Monday morning. So far, I seem to be having a great day.
***
By the way, later in that show the oil executive was in fact charged with murder. Not necessarily because of ecological damage or intrusions into people’s health because of the presence of the residue of the oil process but because the dictators that were bribed immediately went out and killed environmentalists.
The actors and the show might be sexy, it’s the writers who have the subtlety.
That apple has something like a hint of cinnamon in it. It is exactly that cinnamon flavor. The Apple was hard and crisp but also warm from the Sun. The taste is still with me.
Ghenna has already hauled off his first load of wood. He’s making out like a bandit on this deal. He got $100 for doing the work, all the wood goes back home with him to help heat his house all winter and we both get however many apples he wants to take with him.
I had a brief conversation with him about all of the things I mentioned. But at the end, I pointed out how funny it was, even ironic, that he and I have no problem understanding each other. He replied that when you want to understand someone, you can and when you don’t want to hear them is when it all turns to shit. Truer words have never been spoken.
He is absolutely miserable when he’s drunk. I’m not talking about personality wise, I’m talking about usefulness to himself and others. But catch him before he starts drinking, he is a good guy. While he’s gone, I’m going to dump off that first group of apples and put another fiver in the bucket. Do you think 40 l of absolutely delicious apples for 10 rubles is a good deal? It’s an absolute bloody shame that this is the last year anyone will enjoy these things. If I live to be a thousand I will never understand those women. I will never understand what they were thinking or why they did what they did. It’s just shameful.
***
The secret to saving apples without a refrigerator is to keep them in a cool place and divided from each other. The most important thing is that they never touch. My thinking right now is that I can probably make a place in The Root cellar for apples by using some junk boards. What I need to do is figure out how long they can be and then I can just drop them in there and line the apples up with a piece of paper between each one. Actually, I probably don’t need the paper. I just don’t need them touching each other on the floor.
This doesn’t mean that I’m not going to get rat attacks. It just means that I’ll be able to keep these apples fresh for a little longer. The alternative is to chop them up and let them sit outside to drive for a week. I have been eating a lot of dry apples lately as snacks and suddenly, this is not such a bad idea. It’s just that these apples are so tasty, I feel like keeping a few of them fresh for as long as possible.
Way down the line in the future, I hope to have a similar problem and perhaps should build up my root cellar to allow me to store apples. Hopefully I will have a lot. I have no intentions of growing commercially. All I’m saying is that these are the most delicious apples I’ve ever tasted, nobody lifted a finger to do anything about them and I want this. I want this more than you can possibly imagine. I want to grow a type of apple that has enough biodiversity to grow healthy and happy without the slightest assistance from me and yield this kind of delicious food.
This is so important, I find it hard to find the perfect words to stress it. Can you imagine having an orchard that grows beautiful fresh food without the needs of pesticides or fertilizers or a thousand hours spent out in the garden. Nobody has touched this orchard in probably 10 years and all that has happened is that the trees grow beautiful fresh apples that are not destroyed by insects.
The only honest answer to how this happened is called biodiversity. Because a lot of trees, not only one particular type of tree but many different types of trees and not all of them fruit bearing have been growing in this space, there has been no predator insect that has come to devour these fruits. There are enough birds and carnivore insects to keep their numbers down. Also, the trees have not been burdened with a lot of plowing and murdering of the land underneath them. If there has been even a little bit of rain, the mushrooms have been developing a network along with the tree roots and all of the insects that live underground have been busy aerating and leaving castings behind, all of this provides all the nutritional needs to feed the trees.
This is the essence of permaculture. It is the next best thing to just leaving everything alone. It is particularly going out of your way to plant the things that you need, a food Forest is a good word for it, but by planting it in such a way that it continues along with all of the other living things that will use your land as a habitat. It is a gentler and more sustainable way of doing things and these apples are proof of how this works.
Those apple trees were located next to a particular piece of land that has a long roof providing shade and a ton of water to drop in its region. Instead of falling everywhere uniformly, there is an extra amount of water that lands in this region and soaks into the land here. There is no other reason for these trees to be as successful as they are. That and partial shade from other trees and the fact that nobody has been poisoning, plowing or otherwise destroying the land for a decade.
Life has been allowed to exist. Or to say it in a less beautiful way, these apples have been deprived of cancer. Human cancer. And like I said, they taste of cinnamon.
I am just drinking a glass of water right now. Like I said, there was a little bit too much salt in the hummus and it’s making me thirsty. I’m not sorry for the salt. It was tasty enough, I just need to be a little more careful next time. But this water is also ridiculously delicious. It is absolutely clear and it comes from 15 m beneath the surface rather than two. It has been filtered by 13 m of Earth and sand and it tastes clean.
I’m only saying these things because I want them said. I’m just saying these things because I want people to hear what I have to say and understand the way I think. There are more ways to live in this world than we think. This includes perhaps not having economic slavery be the only way one needs to go about their lives. There are alternatives and perhaps we need to start exploring these things to a greater extent or at least putting away our dependencies.
I guess that’s all I have been trying to say for the last 3 years.
Anyway, a few pieces of wood, a few minutes of laying the apples carefully in a row without touching each other and I have apples up until about New Year maybe. It’s a weird way to get an Apple harvest but I’m not apologizing. I’m shaking my head in disgust and disbelief but I’m not apologizing.
***
It’s 6:00 p.m. and I am on the couch and quite happily full. Such a meal. That bread I made this morning was fantastic. I eventually settled on zucchini sandwiches. Zucchini sandwiches with occasional spoonfuls of hummus, all of those roasted sesame seeds adding that unbelievable toasty sesame seed taste and apples, plenty of apples.
I think living seasonally is genuinely something that people should give themselves an opportunity to do. At one point in our history, there was no other way. We didn’t have supermarkets and foreign processed corporate bullshit food. We had to eat what we had to eat and we lived with it. We lived with the work it took to acquire food, the care that was needed to make sure that your crop came in and you appreciated things in their time.
Both the bread and the apples are special. The hummus is probably special too. Everything I ate today started its day as what they call a whole food. There was nothing processed except perhaps the vinegar. Maybe also the salt and the pepper I used. I didn’t create the salt and I didn’t grow the peppers. I will agree to that. But everything else that was in there came from my field and my effort. Okay, I didn’t grow the wheat for the bread. I’m getting all kinds of caught up trying to get this right.
What I’m saying is that the meal was exactly what it was supposed to be and it was exactly on time. Everything was ridiculously tasty, it had a taste that I wanted in the time that I wanted it and even being full is a good feeling. I don’t feel sorry or angry at myself for eating too much. I feel wonderful for the effort.
I used to be a lot fatter. I spent a lot of my life being way too fat and there were times in my life where I did absolutely nothing to take care of my health. Perhaps like most Americans, the only way to live my life was to deal with my eating habits and then train myself to become a super athlete in order to deal with the calorie consumption and the extra nervousness and kinetic energy that comes along with it. It is the only way to live in a backwards consumer society that values money over the environment. You just have to deal with the fact that every day has bad food. You have to deal with the food, the mental and health problems that come along with the food and the athletic requirements required not to have the food kill you. It is a very, very sick culture that demands all of this hysteria from its people.
You can still eat like an idiot as a vegan. Nobody’s arguing with that. There have been a few Friday night meals that left me feeling like garbage and extremely sorry to have gone through the process of eating so much. Bad choices and cheap food. Eating out of season. Eating stuff I should not be bothering with. It’s all part of the damage done. It’s hard to get away from it. It’s hard to get away from bad habits that follow you no matter how much you understand them.
This doesn’t make me completely sympathetic to alcoholics. I can’t stand being around drunk people anymore. It’s not that I would not go easy on a friend, Ghenna is being remarkably helpful these days and it’s hard for me to throw him in the garbage. But even there, the truth is he is garbage when he’s drunk. He’s just an ace on the way to getting drunk and it’s just not my business to take care of him. I’m just glad that the synergy exists because I need some help and he needs the rubles to go get drunk. If that’s the way it’s going to be, I’m glad I was able to understand the situation and be able to play the game. I guess we’ll see how long it lasts.
This is a different feeling. This is a feeling of great satisfaction. This is a feeling where I am enjoying the fullness of my belly. I have been enjoying the entire process. I didn’t mind the cooking or the food gathering, I definitely did not mind the eating and I am quite okay with the digestion process. I just feel good.
I did manage to do some work today. Like I said, this morning I got out and did a little grass cultivation in the lower gardens. I also had a walk around and a thought about putting in some new trees and shrubs. I didn’t overthink the situation but as of the moment, I feel pretty good about bringing in some new players. If my current situation regarding water and access to materials continues, I have the opportunity to make a garden I don’t mind having. I have the possibility of making something truly beautiful. The thought makes me very happy.
Okay, the law of the land is never get so happy. If you let yourself get too happy, something bad’s going to happen. And yes, there was a moment when I was working outside when the neighbor’s chicken wife came home in that bloody death machine of hers and suddenly, all of the peace and quiet was gone and all the fresh air was gone. When Dima the well cleaner was here doing his thing, she also drove by and I will never forget the look on his face as he also realized how horrible it is to have your fresh air suddenly taken away. I wish I understood how to communicate with that psychotic bitch. I wish I had a way to impart on her brain the totality of the horror that is living next door to her.
I remember last year, my best fantasy was to handcuff her to the back of her car and simply offer to turn the motor on. It isn’t that I’m into s&m and I don’t really want to torture people. I’m not taking pleasure from the thought of harming her or causing her pain. That’s her deal. She’s the murderer not me. But I can’t help thinking as a teacher that if she was actually there on the ground and unable to move, she would be completely frightened at being in such close proximity to the exhausts of her car’s engine.
That’s the thing about trolls and naysayers and Christian propagandists. They all live in an isolated bubble. It’s like actually being inside a car and driving quickly down the road. The last thing you could possibly think of is the poisonous gas that you leave behind. Why on Earth would someone ever think of the damage that they are causing.
These people think they are doing the right thing. These people believe they are good people because they are making money. These people believe that living the life that they do is some righteous and good Christian act because they are making money. This is what the world has come to teach them and it is a lesson that they take pride in having learned.
I know that I’m speaking a little bit out of the box. I am speaking from the point of view of an ecologist. I am speaking from the point of view of a person who has done very specific things in order to live a Little closer To Nature and to live with a better carbon footprint. I’m not going to go over the entire litany again. I’m just saying that I have put some thought into my manner of living, I am where I want to be and doing the sorts of things I want to be doing but most of all, I am trying with all of my heart not to be harmful to Nature. I am trying very hard not to go against nature, I am trying very hard not to lie or to kill, I am trying to be a moral man with all my heart. I’m just saying that there are alternatives. And even if they were too locked into their bullshit lives to get rid of their stupid cars, they could at least have the decency to park it on the other side of their property and cut me some motherfucking slack. Or just simply change their parking habits so that I don’t have to breathe the fumes.
This is what I mean. This has been the hell of it since I’ve been here. There are moments of great joy. There are moments of peace and quiet that are so satisfying. There are moments that make me happy to be alive. And then it gets chased by these poisonous assholes. And if it’s not exactly the poisonous assholes who live next to me, it’s the poisonous assholes I have to read about every day. It’s the poisonous assholes who never stop poisoning us or give us a moment of rest or peace or mental clarity. Never a moment where they turn off the hysteria enough to let people take a breath of fresh air or a drink of clean water.
Yeah, it’s going to be a long time before I get back to where I am right now. It is definitely funny how living seasonally goes. This year has not been so good but it hasn’t been so bad that I feel bad about it. Some things were done very stupidly this year and of course I have more than enough people trying to kill me for some reason. Maybe that’s the worst thing about it. It doesn’t really matter where I live or spend my time, there is and has always been some asshole for several assholes who can’t stop themselves from putting their hands on me and trying to make my life miserable. I don’t know who raised these people or why they are the way they are. I have no idea why some people believe that life is about inflicting pain on others but this is what we have.
I guess I’d be redundant to mention but we could start by simply not eating dead flesh anymore. I think we bandy around terms like carnivore or omnivore but the truth is, if all you eat is dead flesh and you don’t kill it yourself, you are a bottom feeding scavenger. It’s kind of ironic that people love the religious idea that we are somehow holy entities built in the image of some vast universal non creature. It’s amazingly ironic that people believe themselves somehow higher than other forms of life on the planet. It’s ironic because when you look at it right in the face and identify the kind of animal that you are, to find out that you’re a scavenger bottom feeder would seem to be kind of a drop from Grace. Maybe I’m wrong but you explain to me what an animal that only eats dead flesh but other animals have killed for them.
And poisoned. Let’s not forget that this dead flesh that we so look forward to feasting on, has not only been killed for us by other people, it’s also been poisoned, bloated with chemicals, tortured and deprived of any association with nature and left in a state of absolute horror every minute of their brief lives. I don’t know why it would be strange that some of the traits of being trapped and hysterical become a part of our makeup. I don’t know why people don’t get that the insanity that they live their lives with and all of the blood that they are constantly craving comes from the fact that they are feasting upon those who have been tortured.
But this is just me putting two and two together. Like I said, I am enjoying my round belly right here at the moment. I’m sitting on my couch, my guitar is next to me and I am putting together these last few words of the day in a feeling of calm. I am experiencing a moment of Grace. I am enjoying a rather nice moment here on the planet Earth. I’m grateful.
About the guitar, I simply have not been playing. As to why not, I simply haven’t had any energy to do it. It turns out I need it. It turns out that if you play guitar for 40 years and then put the thing away, you could have mad nasty arthritis start creeping into your fingers. It seems like I genuinely need to put in my time and get my workout.
It’s the same about going outside and doing my business in the field. This torture the medical establishment seems so happy to be putting me through has left me in a state of perpetual fear of ending up back in the hospital again. All they needed to do was do their bloody job. I am sorry if they so hate their lives that they have nothing better to do than look for drama from me. They aren’t the first person to decide that torturing Adam is a delight. I don’t know too many people who have been left with a good feeling after torturing me. Mostly people who have taken the trouble to cause me pain have ended up dying the most miserable people in the world. It’s just not as fun as you think it is. There’s no benefit from it and no happiness. There’s never happiness from causing pain.
But who knows? Maybe this is all just the way it was supposed to be. Maybe I wasn’t being careful enough. Maybe I was being pushed into Hysteria by people making me do things that I didn’t want to do. Maybe I was trying too hard and pushing in the wrong direction when I didn’t need to be doing such things. Maybe I was trying to work faster than I should have. Maybe I should have been taking it easy the whole time. Not taking it easy in the sit on my ass manner of thinking. Maybe I should have just been enjoying my days and working out at a pace that’s both comfortable and effective for the job.
That’s the entire argument right there. That is exactly popping the arrow right dead center in the middle of the bullseye. This is the main thing that I cannot allow next year. Next year, I’m not going to allow anybody to pressure me. They may fuck up and blow up the nuclear power plant and give everybody within a thousand kilometers cancer but I’m not going to be pressured. I’m not going to listen to anybody’s political arguments and I’m not going to work with people who have nothing better to do than to bother other people. Next year, I’m just going to build something beautiful and if people are not interested in that, I guess they can go fuck themselves. I’m going to have a lock on my gate again.
All I want is to live a peaceful life. I’ve already lost too much of myself to pretend I can compete or that I even care about it anymore. I have already left enough of myself out on the field. I’ve already made my compromises and I’ve already experienced pretty much what this world has to offer. And of these things that I supposedly have been deprived of, I don’t feel jealous even in the slightest. There is nothing that anybody has that I need so badly as to injure myself or to give up on my principles for. I don’t know of anybody who has any carrot on a stick that I will follow.
Other than this, I am thinking about what I’m supposed to be writing next year. I can’t really say that I want to do this same journal business again. I have definitely made this more comfortable for myself than last year. I’m not completely satisfied with this work. I think last year’s was a little bit more professional in its own way. I can’t see myself not writing. I just haven’t figured out what I want to do. I mean, besides growing food.
I’ve thought about writing plays. I thought about going back to writing scenarios. I don’t know if I really need to create dramatical texts but maybe I have been a bit remiss in not building my catalog. Shakespeare wrote 36 plays. I’ve always thought that this was a good number to shoot for. I mean, I’m just a writer. A writer writes. It’s just what I do.
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