Thursday, June 16th 2022

Good morning. It’s a little bit before 7:00 a.m. and I guess I am finally getting moving. I’ve been up for a while. I’ve been cruising the internet for no particular reason. I’m getting up right now because I’m sick of the electronics. Perhaps this is a redundant statement as I am right back onto the electronics to make these words but more likely, this just means I’m agreeing to do productive things. It is time to get moving.

I am feeling a bit of ennui. Ennui is a well overused European word that can be well replaced by a feeling of don’t-give-a-fuckedness. This does not mean that there are exciting alternatives. It just means that this is how I feel and this is what life has to offer and that’s all. It’s nothing to be shouted at. It’s nothing to be shouted down. It’s nothing to be argued with. I’m not even sure there’s anything you can do to get out of it.

Maybe this is what the deepest part of it is. This world of mine is pretty weird about people touching me. I don’t know why people feel so free. Okay, some of it is simply geographical proximity. I buy a house here and the neighbors want to come to see me. In my own personal philosophy of how to get along in the world, being open and kind and shaking hands and being friendly to new people is a good thing. Spending a little time trying to get to know each other is a positive. On a practical level, it’s good to find what people do so if you need some help you know where to go. All of this stuff is pretty reasonable and to be honest, I thought I was a pretty good newbie when I came here all things considered.

But this is just not the way the world works anymore. We have gone from this simple practical social interaction based on something resembling respect at least at the beginning to simply usury. People just insinuate themselves into other people’s lives. Kind of like a remora finds its way onto a shark. Sort of “this bitch is going to be my food and so I’m just going to get my suckers into them and whatever happens happens.”

The thing is, I’m kind of at the end of it all. I can say that I’ve learned a few things over time. This is a natural thing for older people to both want to do and be able to do. I do understand that there is a different mentality to when you are young than when you are no longer in the middle of the procreation process. There are certain things that happen when your glands are full on pumping that simply are not as pervasive when the machine gets worn down a bit. This is probably most of my issues. A guy just gets old when he gets old. I got old.

I think this is the most annoying part of it. When people believe they have a right to scream at you or complain about you to your face. I have no idea why they think they have the right to do this. I usually see this as simple parasites screaming that they want to be fed more. To me though it just strikes me as double uselessness. First of all, I don’t like people screaming at me. Second of all, I don’t really feel like producing more. It’s not only that I don’t care about you, though that is probably true, it is that I don’t care about me. I’m just tired and I don’t really want to knock myself out anymore. I’m just not enthused about pointless activity.

This is however probably the most important point of what I have to say. It is about pointless human activity and it is about jacking each other up to make us more productive when we as a species don’t need it or like it and thinking ecologically for the planet we shouldn’t do it. I understand the economics of keeping people insane. I understand there is profit to be made from Insanity but I am more interested in our environment and the results of all the oil business pollution and the plastics and the destruction of our air, water and land. Pointless extra work is just not required no matter how jazzed you are to keep moving.

I talk to people a lot about making this Garden. Women especially think it’s darling. “Oh, how lovely. Movement is life. How wonderful to have so much movement.” I can understand that. There was a time in my life when I was younger where I liked moving around quite a bit. I made money riding bicycles and building gardens and buildings. I know all about what it’s like to live on a purely physical level.

But what I do not like is having other people in part their opinion on me and especially so from a great distance. I do understand that I’m kind of sharing a bit about my own lifestyle here but I don’t think this is hypocrisy. I think this is thoughtfulness and literacy truthfully. I also think it’s reasonableness when dealing with the damage human beings have caused to the planet and the crazy ecosystem and changing climate that we have brought upon ourselves. I am not sitting here yelling at you telling you to be a vegan, this would be a really smart thing for you to do, I’m just expressing the fact that it is a positive thing to do for both yourself and the world around you. It is a much less harmful lifestyle and one that might actually help you find some peace.

Nevertheless, I do have quite a bit of work to do. I run my life on a 6 Day schedule. I usually end up getting pretty revved up and worn down towards the end of the week. I’m very much looking forward to my day off. These days off are also a bit redundant sometimes. This doesn’t mean that I’m looking to break the string. I like my days off. I’m just saying that I end up doing a lot more than I need to sometimes and sometimes I can’t get all the work I need to do done.

Last night, I spent a lot of money. If you are an American and reading this or even a modern head up your ass money Maker Belarusian, you might just laugh off the amount of money I spent. You might say it was foolish but to me it hurt. It was a wound. I’m sure I need all the things I bought. I’m absolutely sure that I needed it. Except that I don’t. If I truly wanted to, I could do without it. I’m not sorry about the pump. I did need some more screws. I do like the idea of picking up some mulch that is not very expensive and as long as we are not using poisons, it’s probably to our benefit to have a sprayer. I’m not arguing with any of these things. They are all tools. None of it is fluff except for the plastic packaging.

Today, I have some weeding that I have to do. There is a lot of grass coming through our boxes. I didn’t put enough cardboard down when we started. It wasn’t laziness or it was but I could have done a better job about that. It’s not so much physical effort to go in and pay attention to the boxes.

Also, this morning I’m going to do the fix on the barn water system. That shouldn’t take too long and hopefully I don’t waste too much water. After that, I will attach the three barrels together in front of the house and if I’m still feeling it and I have enough material to do so, I’ll tie together the last three barrels in back of the root cellar. I think I’m going to go with a higher connection rather than a connection at the bottom of the tank. I don’t really know what is correct.

If you read about it, most people believe that bottom plumbing is the best. This means that all of the tanks rise at about the same time. Doing overflows from the top is a good idea except that I doubt that the flow leaving the tank will be equal or more than the flow into the tank. This means that I will get absolute overflow over the top of the tank before I’m draining off enough to keep things even. On another note, it’s easier to work on the plumbing at the top of the tank than at the bottom. It’s easier to install the parts when you can just reach down and do it from the top than having to crawl into the tank.

I don’t know. Maybe the best compromise is to do an overflow with enough room. Just work comfortably and maybe that’s the best. Also, I think I’m going with larger fittings this time so this means something as well. If I really think about it though, the answer is to have a look at what everything does now and when I have time, either in the winter or when the tanks are dry, I can rethink everything and find the optimum solution. These are works in progress and will remain so for the lifetime of this system. Modify and improvise are the two laws of mechanics.

I think that’s basically about it. There is more to do and I think we will get delivery on the stuff we bought some time on Friday.

What else? Nothing else. I mean, I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of work to do that is interesting probably. I’m happy to have the work I have to do because it’s mine and this is my home and my world. It also directly relates to food and the life of this house and property.

We are looking at the hottest months of the year coming up and we don’t get soft easy rains anymore, just too much heat or brutal storms. The world is not happy being as unhealthy as it is. The sky is constipated and you can tell that Mother Nature doesn’t feel good at all. She’s not healthy anymore and so she’s cranky and angry.

I am trying to be a good son. I’m trying to be a friend to my mother. I grew up with a violent unhealthy mother. I’m aware of the moods of someone who is sick and doesn’t like living in their own body. I’m quite aware of how angry the Earth is at us right now. We fucked up.

So I guess my plan is to just take it easy and work at my own pace. I’ll take breaks when I need it and do my best to be conscientious in my work. I will go at it like a professional and I will try not to lose my temper when I make a mistake or get lazy or end up with an unanticipated problem. This is the life I have chosen for myself and there’s nobody else to blame or depend on.

I mean, it would be nice if my neighbors caught a clue as to how much damage they cause with those motherfucking cars of theirs. I would actually like to handcuff them to the rear bumper and let them sit in the auto smoke for a while, maybe not to death though that would absolutely happen if I just left them there, maybe just long enough for them to understand my point of view. I just like clean air and quiet more than the misery of their mother fucking machines and their mother fucking chicken noises and their Hysteria. 

They cause displeasure in our mother. They are an error.

***

Just one more thought. And here is a video with a female voice and some animation speaking about addiction.

I do not believe in the conclusions here. I do believe that the word addiction and the connotation that comes along with it is applicable to so many things that people do not understand are addictions. This includes our electronic devices, our cars, spending money or even work. We are a horribly addicted people and generally, our entire population seems to be exhibiting drugs seeking behavior as a norm. And of course the corporations just like it this way because they make more money. 

The business about allowing ideas into your head or running from reality is probably true. I mean to a certain extent, I might just be arguing semantics here. My personal view is simply that we live unsatisfying lives. This is the thing that drives us to escape. When you do not have a life you like or even a life you can respect or even a chance at a respectful life, of course all you do is look for escape. Of course all you want is some relief.

The answer is to allow universal agency. We are not supposed to be taken care of like perpetual children, we are supposed to grow and become adults. We are supposed to grow into our responsibilities and we are supposed to take care of our business with full understanding of what we are doing and why we are doing it. This would be a utopian society.

Where we fail at this is not how much human activity we can measure or what the profits are in our economic understandings, it is that we work selfishly and for our own pleasures. This is dragon chasing. This is the addictive problem.

The alternative would be genuine community involvement. If we understood that our efforts were to better our communities, we would have better communities to live in. If we understood that we were trying for a well-functioning hole rather than profit seeking, we would have a lot less unhappiness. If the work was genuinely about sustaining life rather than trying to get out under the weight of economic pressure, we would probably be happier doing it and be better to each other during the course of the day.

Less fighting, more cooperation. Less Hysteria and more reasonableness. More kindness and less brutality. More vested interest and less scurrying rats looking for crumbs. Better health and less addiction.

You can yell at me here if you’d like. This is usually the place where the trolls thank me for the effort I made and then tell me it was all useless. I have a lot of people who do nothing but stare at me and then tell me that my work is useless. Funny though, I never understand what these trolls actually do to make things better. I never understand what these trolls do at all. They are just kind of drug addicts, aren’t they? Parasitic drug addicts. Products of our Great society.

***

Measure twice, cut once. Measure twice, cut once. Measure twice, cut once.

I think I need to go to the blackboard and write that 100 times. Measure twice, cut once.

I got the wrong size fitting for the broken one. And the new couplings that I bought were bigger than I have a hole driller for. I have to go back to town and do this again. If I go as fast as I can and I don’t make any mistakes, I will have one hour to get a new hole driller and a replacement for the broken part. If I’m late, I guess I’m having lunch with my ex partner and possibly going to buy some steel to trellis the grapes. Not a completely wasted day except that I really didn’t want to have to do this again.

Measure twice, cut once. Measure twice, cut once. Measure twice, cut once. Measure twice, cut once…

***

It’s A few minutes before 10:00 and I am at the station. The train will be here in about 15 minutes. I am exactly in the same place I was yesterday lying in the grass and enjoying the peace and quiet. The only difference is that someone has come in with a weed wacker and cut to grass around the light pool where I leaned my bike. A few struggling city people are coming to the train from the local village with their bags and boxes of food. 

Private gardening has always been a part of life here. Now I am pretty sure it’s mostly for the old people. The people in my village often complain that there are no children anymore. The villages are dying because of the economic system that drives everybody to the city. It drives them to the city in cars But this is not much of a joke. It’s not much of a joke because it’s very dirty. Not pleasant like some dirty jokes can be, dirty as in it gives you cancer and takes your fresh air away.

Before I got on my bike, I had some time for a little breakfast of buckwheat and greens. I pulled up a couple of spinach plants because they were starting to bolt. I usually just pick the big leaves off but when they start growing their seed stock, I can either let them go for the seeds or it’s time to take them out of the way and plant some more. I probably will allow one or two plants to go all the way to the end. Why buy seeds If I can have my own. Just another little facet of life I have to get good at.

I also had time to watch a little bit more Star Trek. I’m really getting into these old shows. This morning’s was an interesting thought at least in the premise. And the Enterprise was sent to find out if there was any life left on a colony on a strange planet. Something was wrong in the atmosphere that caused a degradation of the flesh. They believed there was absolutely no hope of anyone being alive but they had to go there anyway.

On arrival, they found that several of the settlers, at least a small community, were not only alive but in absolutely perfect health. They had been farming and getting along quite well and we’re all extremely pleased to have visitors. 

According to medical examinations, there was nothing wrong with them at all. They were all in tip top shape. But after further investigation, they found some strange anomalies. Yes, everyone was in perfect health but it seems that scar tissue from broken ribs was completely absent and a previously removed appendix had reappeared as if nothing had ever happened. 

What was also strange and noticeable was the lack of animals. By way of explanation, the leader of the colonies simply said that they were vegetarians and very happy about it. Nevertheless, this seriously worried the leadership of the starship enterprise.

A little while later, we found out at least one of the reasons for the strangeness about such a human colony. It was Spock who fell into this trap. A woman he previously had a relationship with was on this planet and she led him to a bit of botany, a naturally occurring plant that shoots pores into people’s faces turning them into extremely happy vegetarians. Even Spock with his vulcan logic immediately decided it was better to enjoy the day and the company of this beautiful woman than listen to his captain. He felt quite good being out in the air and going for a walk and suddenly life on an easygoing planet with no vehicles, pollution or worries seemed like one heck of a better way to live than serving the federation.

We know that they are going to regain their minds, some explanation is going to come up as to why it’s better and everyone is going to be back on the bridge at the conclusion smiling at some little jab at spock’s lack of emotions. But…

***

It’s 11:15 and I am already back on the train heading back. I feel pretty good actually. I feel rider-ish. Have I ever mentioned that I used to be a New York City bike messenger and that I was good at it?

Last year, I used to call this a perfect ride. If I could make the 1008 train heading to town, get off at about 10:25 and manage to do all of my business in 55 minutes or less, I can be back on this train exactly like I am now. I don’t think I’ve ever done it at this market before. I wouldn’t say that I pushed like a maniac. I rode pretty strong but fair the whole way. I made use of a couple of shortcuts that I know about. But I did it, a new hole driller and finally, a replacement for my broken coupling. My buddy gave it to me as a present for free. I guess he’s come to like me after seeing me so often.

If there’s a negative to all of this, I don’t get to have lunch with my ex partner and I still have not yet bought the steel to make the trellis for our grapes. But these things can wait for another day unless something truly horrible happens. I will be back home at 12:30, still plenty of time to finish all of my chores.

I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but I have to water today. The weather report calls for rain tomorrow but we all know that we cannot believe a word that the weather service tells us. They are from another era and have too many politics to be good scientists about things. And besides, everybody is high as a kite on whatever they are high as a kite on so nobody really cares anymore. Nobody really cares at all…

***

12:15 and I am right back where I started except that now I have the proper equipment to finish the water project.

Maybe a nice way to say it is that I am a purposeful fellow. I preferred to do useful things much more than I like sitting around and playing. I am miserable at parties. I don’t mind spending time with people I like. I just don’t like going out into the general population. I don’t find any thrill in it.

When I got on the train in town, I sat like I usually do in the first seat next to the door. I like to keep an eye on my bike. Very old habit especially with a bike that’s already been stolen and recovered four times.

In front of me when I sat down were two women. The one on the left was a student and the one on the right worked for the railroads. The ticket broker asked me if I needed a ticket and I glibly explained why I’m already paid for. I agree that I was a little sarcastic but I didn’t think I was being insulting. I just used a tiny bit of cleverness and My Hope was that she got it. She refused to get it.

She went on to ask me several qualifying questions about this ticket situation. Keep in mind, I already have an appropriate ticket and even if I didn’t, we would be talking about something like $0.40. She continued on deeply getting into the nuances of ticket purchasing, my eventual destination and all of the protocol concerning getting on a train in the Republic of Belarus. I genuinely tried to be kind but somewhere along the way, I was really hoping that she might catch a clue and stop speaking to me. I didn’t think she was a horrible person, it’s just that I am pretty tired of people being thrilled at the opportunity of meeting whatever the hell they think I am and I would have preferred just to sit quietly. Her lesson continued on nevertheless.

During her Masters thesis on train riding, a man came up to me who I knew and fist bumped me. He knew my name. I cannot reciprocate. He was happy to see me because of whatever the hell he thinks I am. The ticket lady was impressed that I actually know people in the Republic of Belarus. I introduced the lady as my new teacher. She blushed when I said it.

She finally ran out of things to teach me and I wrote the last section while waiting for the train to start moving. I could see that she was a bit upset that I was typing on a telephone instead of enjoying more of her lessons but she took it well enough. Honestly, I talk a lot about wage slavery and the evils of it but if I am the most exciting thing that happens to you all day, you don’t like your life very much.

The ticket taker got up and walked away and left me alone with a phone that no longer had service and the student.

She was looking out the window and I was trying to look anywhere but at her. It’s only a 20 minute ride.

But then, and I can only say that the reason for this was my personal pleasure at having executed a very quick bike ride, I found myself admiring her figure. She had long straight black hair, some tattoos on one wrist and another tattoo, some writing, just above her sock on her right leg. She had a big round face and a very ample bosom and I found myself lost in the thought of resting my head between her breasts.

You know I’m in trouble if my ex partner reads this. I don’t think she reads me at all these days.

I got caught staring. You know how that goes. It was time for me to think fast. I mean, you never can tell how a girl is going to take this. In a perfect world, it’s a compliment. We don’t have a perfect world or anything even close to it. Belarus has not found “me too” yet but this doesn’t mean that there aren’t all kinds of problems from this.

But like I said, maybe I was in an exceptionally good mood because of the bike ride. I like these moments where I get to play bike courier. I like going back to the time where I used to get paid for riding my bike well, for being clever and a bit of an athlete. I liked those days when I used to get paid for a physical skill like this.

“I’m sorry if I’m staring at you but you remind me very much of a girl I used to know.”

She smiled at this. I think she was happy to get my attention. The other woman seemed intent on holding my attention as long as possible and apparently, other people on this train took the trouble to come over and shake my hand just for some attention. My attention must be worth something. I doubt she was thinking this, I’m just saying that she didn’t seem to mind when I opened a conversation.

“Your face is very much like hers. And your figure as well.”

I used my hands to show an hourglass figure. She seemed to like my hand gestures.

“We had a very brief but very intense time together. It was exceptional really. Very warm and very tender. I definitely think that I was in love with her. I have been in love a few times. More than once but not hundreds of times. Only a few times have I been genuinely in love. I probably would have married her if things would have worked out.”

She was definitely enjoying the story. She was listening to every word I said. I wouldn’t say that she was committed to me. She was just laying back in her seat and enjoying having someone speak to her in this way. My words were pleasant and I guess I have kind of a cool baritone when I talk.

“Are you married?”

She shook her head and then I asked her if she had a boyfriend, she said that she did and I rolled my eyes and looked away and made a face as if I have no luck at all in the world. This made her laugh.

“Yes, this relationship was many years ago. 25 or even 30 years ago. I haven’t spoken to her in a long time. I have no idea where she is. But she had a face very similar to yours and we had a very, very warm and intimate relationship. Do you mind if I share something a little intimate with you?”

She smiled at me and said that she didn’t. She really was enjoying this part of her train ride. I was kind of having fun myself.

“You see the thing is that sometimes when I sleep with someone, I don’t really like to touch them so much. It gets too hot. You look like you would be lovely to sleep with in the winter time.”

She made a face and said something about being wonderful to sleep with all the time. I locked my eyes on her breasts again and she smiled at me as if to say that we both clearly understood the point. Maybe we did.

“Well the thing about my time with this girl was after we made love. We used to make love a lot at the end of one moment or at a pause of some kind. We would just find ourselves together somewhere and we would just organically find each other. We made love a lot. But afterwards, we would fall asleep in each other’s arms. It was like we have become one person between the two of us and neither of us could let the other go.”

You could see some color coming into her face. It was nice for her.

I would have liked to keep up the conversation but I was arriving at my stop. She told me her name and I told her mine and when I started to get up, she offered to bump fists with me. I guess we are all friends now.

Anyway, the ride home was not so bad. The road gets sandier as it gets dry. It was a little bit of a push. But like I said, I was at home at 12:15. My failure to measure cost me 3 hours. On the other hand, I got to be a bike messenger, I actually got a pretty healthy bike ride out of it and I got a moment of intimacy with a beautiful girl on her way home from college.

All In all, maybe this mistake was not so bad.

***