Wednesday, May 4th 2022

I have a problem with rodents. I’m not sleeping, it’s just after 4:00 in the morning and I’m becoming psychotic with these fucking rodents. 

Have you experienced the sound of rodents gnawing? I have a rodent who I cannot frighten. I need a cat or a lawyer. Cats and lawyers are difficult to come by because often they are more trouble than they are worth. If you have a cat or if you have a lawyer, you are obligated to take care of them. They are also needy and expensive.

But I have to get rid of these rodents because they are driving me crazy. I want to live in a clean house and I don’t want rodents gnawing away all night. 

I’m going to town today. I’m going to town and I’m going to the market and I’m going to look for an extra 30 m of hose, a quick coupling or whatever the thing is called to put a pair of hoses together and detach them quickly. Also a watering wand would be nice. With this, I will be good to go.

But I definitely need a cat.

Last year, I had a cat for a short period of time. He was on the street mewing loudly and I was out in front of my house cutting down firewood. I guess he was hungry and a bit homeless because when I called him, he came over the fence and I gave him something to eat and he happily moved in. 

I can’t say much bad about him. He was a young cat, very affectionate and really, he wasn’t a bad mouser. Within a day or two of his being here, there was no more gnawing. 

There was a problem in Paradise though. Either that cat picked up covid germs like a vacuum cleaner or I am allergic to cats. It became horrific every time he tried to sleep with me or curl up next to me. My skin began to crawl from his presence. I had to evict him from the warm room. I gave him the run of the entire house but all he wanted was to come in here because, you know, this was the only warm room in the house.

I actually felt bad about it. I mean, he’s got a fur coat but I felt bad about denying him access to a warm room.

The end came when I went to the hospital. Between the hospital and my time in my ex partners apartment, it was about 3 months I think. Maybe a little less. And when I came back, I did not go get him from Ria. We put him up there when I left but when I came back I didn’t want him anymore.

When I went to Ria’s house to borrow an extension cord, he played coy with me. He pretended he didn’t know me and didn’t care and kept up his act right up to the point that I started leaving. And then he dropped his act and stared at me wondering why I wasn’t bringing him home.

I guess I could use poisons or traps. I guess I could work on killing these things myself. And maybe I’ll actually end up with a lawyer. I have a friend with long fingers working on this. All it takes is a good ambitious lawyer and we can clear up this nonsense and get rid of the rats once and for all.

Yeah, that’s what I need. 30 more meters of hose, a quick coupling apparatus to join them, a spray wand, a cat and a good ambitious lawyer who knows how to get rid of rats.

Then maybe I’ll be able to sleep at night.

***

It’s about a quarter to nine and I’ve got about a half hour before exit time. I’m going to go into town and see about getting and my garden supplies. I might do a little bit of shopping but I don’t really need very much. Everything that’s important is right where I am right now but sometimes you have to go get what you need.

I have talked often here about a family member who has stolen from me. Amazingly, I got a notice from him and he still trying to dictate policy. Actually, I’m surprised he called. I genuinely thought that he was just putting the money in his pocket. But he was just keeping it all to himself because he enjoys torture. He is this kind of person. He thinks of himself is a big businessman. He is not a big business man. He is a tiny little rat and no more.

If I want to tell the truth, the worst thing, the absolute worst thing is to have this guy in my head and in my face. I can’t say all of the good things in the world about my father. I’m not going to say that he was without flaws. But he was my dad and his fading and eventual demise were emotional for me. 

But right then and there, right in the middle of this human moment, this relative decided to place himself right in the middle of my consciousness. This little jealous rat had to find a new parasitic host for himself. And he is the disease that just will never go away.

I tried to speak to him reasonably and truthfully, as in most of my dealings with parasites, I came up with a very fair and equitable decision that causes no pain to anyone. But parasites don’t think this way. Parasites are parasites and that means they just suck everything they can possibly get into their mouth.

I don’t know why I need this little rodent in my life. I don’t know why I have to have this little son of a bitch in my life. I don’t know why I am so unlucky to have little rat parasites like this in my life. I feel like I’m repeating a mantra. I do not know why my father had to be so unfortunate as to have this parasite in his life and just like an intrusive insect in the garden, the moment my father lost consciousness, this little parasite attached himself to me. This is my father’s real legacy. He gave me his parasite.

I don’t know why I have to think about him. I know who he is. I’ve met his family. I’ve listened to him speak and I understand how his rat parasite mind works. I’ve listened to him Babylon and I’ve listened to his wife’s Hysteria and his son’s… well, no. He’s not really his son. He’s just an adopted thing from a rather low-borne family. I have nothing good to say about the Sun. I have nothing good to say about his wife. And I have nothing good to say about this rat parasite family except that I can’t get rid of them. 

They are cancer. They are just blood sucking cancer. I have never been so disgusted in my entire life as I am right now having this leech attached to me.

Really. It’s been a year of suffering because of this guy. One year of torture. One year of this little wrath parasite torturing me for money. For money. He has been torturing me like he tortured my father for money.

So, we’ll see what happens next.

How do you get rid of parasites?

Some parasitic infections disappear on their own, especially if your immune system is healthy and you eat a balanced diet. For parasites that don’t go away on their own, your doctor will generally prescribe oral medication. This treatment is generally effective and proven to work.

Well, I do eat well and take care of myself. I get a lot of fresh air and exercise. I treat myself well and for the most part, I like my life. I like my house. I like my garden. I don’t much like my neighbors who are also of the parasite variety. But generally, all things considered and I’m talking about my age, my physical abilities and my general state of life, I’m a lot better off than I was a year ago. I’m a lot happier than I was a year ago. I feel better than I did a year ago. I’m not as sick as I was a year ago. And losing my father and having a parasite step into the void was a year ago.

Maybe Google is right. Let’s just do what needs to be done to fight this parasite off. Let’s make whatever deals we have to make to put the ball back in his court where it was supposed to be a year ago. I guess I can also have a conversation with the police department who ignored me last year. It seems as though my report to them was accurate.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. Usually, I am really much more concerned with the problems of mankind. Usually, I try to work out problems of a societal nature. And one time, I had a journalist in Florida tell me that she didn’t see the universality of what I’m talking about. But I think if we are talking about parasites and leeches sucking your blood and time and energy for money, I would certainly have to say that this is a universal problem of the world. Too many parasites and not enough workers.

Wouldn’t it be ironic though if this guy got cancer? I mean, he acts like a cancer on my life. Wouldn’t it be ironic if he himself actually caught cancer?

Yeah, this is ugly talk. I’m talking shit. I know all about his relationship to cancer.

No, I just want to talk about being a vegan and growing a garden and walking with a light carbon footprint. I don’t really like involving myself in this bullshit. I wish to hell I’m never ever ever had to be with this person. I wish to God my father had had better sense than to let himself get involved with this little parasite. I know what he was thinking. He was a bored old man without too many friends.

Oh well, time to get on the bike. The service road is going to be covered in sand. I better get going because I’m probably going to have to walk a lot of it.

Shitfuckpiss…

***

Yeah, it’s about 10 minutes to 10 and I have 20 minutes before my train. The new gearing on my bike is about right. Also, the road was not as horrible. Most of it was packed tight enough to be writable and when I did run into some sand, the lighter gear allowed me to push through it without choking and the shorter reach centered my weight a little bit better. 

Also, there is a technique for riding sand. I learned this last year when I first started writing the roads around my town. The trick is to relax your arms. You cannot be tense or fight too much. You have to be a little bit slack on the front end and just let the wheel do what it wants to do. This is really the way to handle it. If you fight or try to oversteer, you will just slide out and bury yourself and then you’re off and trying to get started again.

So I’m here and I guess I should really take a moment to get my head straight. Too much shit and not enough clear thinking. I need to work out exactly what I’m doing today.

1. Stop over at my ex partner’s apartment and empty my bag.
2. Head over to the market where I will be looking for
   1. 30 more meters of hose
   2. A quick connect to put the two hoses together and take them apart easily
   3. A watering wand that will allow me to reach all over the garden from one spot
   4. And any other appropriate hardware for that.
3. I should also stop in at the gutter place. I don’t really have to but I will go in and talk to them again. Actually, I don’t have to this time. I want this job finished but it is pointless to do this unless I have a way to connect everything together. As of the moment, I don’t have the tools for the job unless I try to bring together some kind of hillbilly contraption. But even that is a bit dangerous for me. I don’t feel comfortable setting something like that up. I was on flat ground to do the setup but I did the other day. I would rather not fight well below code gutters on a ladder. I have enough leg problems. I don’t need to break them just for gutters.

And really that’s about it. I guess I could get some more peanuts or sunflower seeds. I’ve been eating a lot of peanuts lately but I really don’t think they are very good for me.

I could definitely pick up some more sweet potatoes. I really like the idea of doing the sweet potato/morning glory garden. This is one of these foods that I had not thought of earlier but now that I am, I really think it’s a great idea to grow some yams. They are very healthy for you, they seem pretty easy to grow and I like the fact that they are infinitely compostable and edible. I’m talking about the leaves being edible, which is one thing you can’t say about white potatoes.

That’s about it. It’s not a big trip and I don’t feel under amazing pressure. Sometimes when I go to town I have to make A lot of stops and handle a lot of bureaucracy. I don’t really feel much pressure this time. It’s just a brief shopping trip and if everything goes well, we’ll start getting in the habit of watering the garden regularly.

I know it seems that I’m a bit over anxious. I learned a lot last year by observing. And I have studied a lot. And of course I spent the entire spring building and hauling dirt. I guess I just want everything to be right. I don’t like loose ends and I don’t like surprises. I don’t like drama very much. I just want to be able to do my job quietly and easily and to know that if I’m good at what I do, I’ll get paid for it. What’s wrong with that?

There is about 7 minutes left until the train comes but I can’t think of anything else I want to write down. So, I guess I’ll stop writing here.

***

That went well.

It’s 5:00 and I’m sitting in my own kitchen. I just got back by train and bicycle. The service road after a day of sunshine is much worse. Five stops and one fall. Not hardly enjoyable.

After I got my rhythm though, I managed to get back all right. Nothing particularly broken. And it’s probably worth saying that my legs feel great. I did not do so much bicycling today. In fact, I really did not get much of a workout at all. But today my legs felt as good as they have ever felt in a long time. I guess you don’t want to get too happy because something bad will happen. But today was excellent and I feel really good.

Why I didn’t stay in town didn’t really have anything to do with my ex partner. I’m not avoiding her or standing her up. We missed lunch because she missed lunch. I was already done with my activities and was basically falling asleep on the table waiting for her. By the time I realized that she wasn’t coming, I found a nice quiet spot and went to sleep for a while. I let my alarm wake me up in time to get to the train and took it.

Probably the reason why I took the train was because I could. 30 m of hose, a couple of quick links and a very nice watering wand, probably the only one at the market, were easily carryable. And though I am grateful for the taxi service and their ability to handle my needs, if I didn’t have to do any more shopping, I could definitely handle the road back. That’s exactly what I did. Why spend it if you don’t have to?

I talked to my ex partner and asked her if she had any problems if I didn’t stick around and she said there were none. She has her own life and probably felt the way that I did that we could miss a day without harming the basic concept. 

Mostly though, I just wanted to get back here because I don’t really like being in town so much. I’ve said it a million times but I don’t like the noise or the drama. I agree, in the late spring time there are pretty girls walking around and eye candy is candy for the eyes. I can’t argue with a little spring Rush. And it’s not like I ran away from it, I just found it distracting. I really just wanted to get back home.

I did get one comment though. Somebody said that I have Asperger’s. Interesting. I think the truth is that Asperger’s syndrome is a very specific thing that comes in many, many packages.

Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder, is a developmental disorder. Young people with Asperger’s Syndrome have a difficult time relating to others socially and their behavior and thinking patterns can be rigid and repetitive.

Well, that’s me for sure. It’s also all of my ex-girlfriends, all of my female relatives, in fact, all of the females I’ve ever met in my life. Every boss I have ever had, every worker I have ever worked with and almost all the children. 

Okay, anybody can be a hypochondriac and stare at the symptoms for any disease and realize that they are right there on point. I’ll give you an example.

• Twitching and cramping of muscles, especially those in the hands and feet.
• Loss of motor control in the hands and arms.
• Impairment in the use of the arms and legs.
• Tripping and falling.
• Dropping things.
• Persistent fatigue.
• Uncontrollable periods of laughing or crying.

Would you like to take a guess of what I’m talking about here? Could it be alcoholism? Could it be Alzheimer’s disease? Could it be Parkinson’s? Could it be high blood sugar or low blood sugar or anemia?

These are actually the symptoms for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. You don’t have it. I mean, there are people who have it and if you have it I am extremely sorry and you should be very brave. But that list of symptoms could be any girl on her period and any guy with money problems. Or a guy with money problems whose wife is on her period.

There are some definite things that I relate to better than others. I like mathematics honesty. I don’t like people who play. I don’t like people who play with me and I don’t like adults who believe in playing. I’m not talking about resting, I’m talking about acting like bloody idiots. Or simply being an overtly queer alcoholic for the day.

“Look at me! I’m drunk and frolicking and I don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t control myself! Aren’t I elegant! Gosh isn’t this fun?”

No, I don’t find that fun or interesting at all. I guess I used to do this bonding ritual both when I was younger in the states and when I was younger and here. Sure, getting drunk with friends is fun. I just don’t like drinking anymore. I don’t like being sick. I don’t really think it’s funny and I don’t think it helps my life.

But I can be a little obsessive compulsive. I can be a little anal retentive. I can be ADD. Attention deficit disorder. For sure, I’m suffering from PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. I don’t have AIDS but I’m sure I’ve contracted one social disease or another from making stupid choices with women.

This is not from the chink, but my friend Steve says:

“If you won’t eat it, don’t fuck it.”

I’ve actually always wondered whether that was about oral sex or cannibalism. I suppose it’s the same thing but then again, I don’t really think people are that discerning in the food they eat. If they were, they would not be shopping at supermarkets.

I just thought I would throw that in because, you know, it is the basis of this entire blog and this year’s project.

But maybe I am too locked in on mathematics. I’m not really romantic anymore. When I was younger and had more hope and more available energy, I used to try to make a better picture. I’ve dressed up in my life. I’ve done my best Bradley Cooper once or twice. I just don’t do it anymore because I just don’t care anymore. Or, it’s not that I don’t care anymore, it’s just too much work for absolutely zero reward. I don’t want people saying that I have done something good because I don’t want their congratulations. I’m not failing. I don’t want social approval because I don’t want people touching me anymore.

And about that, no, human touch is swell. Sex is nice. Hugs are nice. Embraces are nice. Intimate physical moments are nice. I’m not opposed to this. I’m just not living for it and I’m certainly not willing to work for it. And especially I’m not willing to work for it for women who are not at all interested in the love they might be getting from me and they’re only doing this for a paycheck. I’m too old to be exploited that way and as this is the main item on the menu, well, you understand the point.

Of course it could be one of those Elon Musk kind of Asperger’s. I could hang with being an autistic savant. If people thought I was unlimited in my thinking and capable of solving ridiculous engineering problems, that’s not bad. I could go with that. If you need a lack of eye contact to make you believe in my agricultural plans, I’m going to be staring at the ceiling and looking right past you the entire time. What does it take to get through to people?

No, at the end of the day, it’s just more people that can’t get it through their head that I like to write. I really wish I was making money from my writing. I have made money from my writing but I’m currently not making money from my writing. Currently, I’m writing about an agricultural project intended to grow myself some food. I’m writing about food this year. Last year I wrote about ecology. The year before I wrote about politics. You spend a year writing and studying, you learn something. I am spending a year writing about the most important thing I can possibly think of. 

You want to say I’m autistic for trying to be helpful? Would you say that I’m definitely on the spectrum because I do this whether or not I get paid? You want to say that I’m completely so socially inept right now because of some social disorder rather than the fact that I spend my time reading and writing and studying and thinking in a world that doesn’t do any of these things, rock and roll. Me and Greta! Ecology! I’m not going to work any day because I’m striking for the environment.

Jag är inte i strejk på grund av Aspergers, jag är i strejk eftersom vi alla borde vara i strejk för att bekämpa klimatförändringar!

That was in swedish. I like Greta. Keep going my friend.

Anyway, I went down and I came back up. I spent a little bit more money on the watering system then I thought I would but I have as good a watering system as I can right now. Looking back, I might have gone slightly higher in the quality of my water pump. I went straight to the cheapest possible to save money and I could have had a little better performance. But we’re going to work with this for a year or two or three or at least until the money doesn’t hurt to get another. 

If it’s not broke, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a Lamborghini, use it in good health.

That was my own quote.

I am going to put my bike away and eat something. Eating is good. I’m not very hungry but I’m going to eat something anyway. Tomorrow and Friday are work days and at least one of these days is to water everything in the garden.

Saturday is a day off, Sunday I am without the ex partner because she will be visiting family. And I do have a few more digging runs and leaf runs for mulch to the forest to take care of. 

Anything else? Nope. I’m in a pretty good mood. Must be time for dinner.

***