I know Arthur is doing the best he can against some heinous adversity that perhaps my presence had prevented up until that moment. If we want to call this corruption, it’s just a misunderstanding. It’s a matter of having your heart in the right place but also having the brains to know how to make things happen. I’m a facilitator. Sue me. Anyway, maybe it was because of his star power or maybe it’s just because I just can’t help but identify with him, I’m having a quiet late evening conversation with big Darth V. How’s it going, Darth?

Oh, you know, same old same old. I could complain and I should complain but under the circumstances, I think I’m doing great.

You are really relishing the transition.

I can’t argue with that. Okay, let’s admit it. There are a lot of people that think I just took the vegan loophole to change my life and therefore I want forgiveness for all of the sins I committed and the perjuries I committed and the amount of misery I brought to the Galaxy. I know that in all sense of reasonableness, if I wasn’t so damn good at the force, they could probably rip me limb from limb and would love doing it. The point is, I don’t really want to rule by power. I don’t even want to rule. I just want to get to the end of the harvest so I can relax and eat some potatoes and greens and enjoy it.

The only War you want to fight is against the jukes.

Let me tell you something, if the forces with you, you can do anything you want with the jukes. Me? I’ve been sending the whole lot of them over to my neighbors. It beats killing them and it gives them really good work to do.

Come on, don’t you just want to crush him between your fingers?

No, ugly not. There is something not necessary about it. It’s not just my telekinetic abilities, I’m just a quadriplegic basically. Or a quadruple amputee to be fair. I like this new left hand that my son recommended for me. I can take off the glove and it has pretty good feeling. But if I can just teleport the bugs off the plant and drop them in my neighbor’s Garden, who needs the extra effort and why wash your hand if it never got dirty, right?

So, you are really into agriculture and gardening?

It’s the way. The dark side is really not sustainable. Most of my time was just psychotic running around. I had privilege so I had access to the hottest transport in the world. I just say I want to go somewhere and boom I go. Unfortunately, a lot of where I went to ended up more than a little dead because I visited. I was a terrible killer and everybody was very afraid of me. I understand that. I understand that nobody’s going to have sympathy for Hitler. Why would they? Are committed crimes knowingly and relished it as pleasure for many, many years. I have no redeeming qualities as a human and I can’t blame anybody for looking at me and being sickened by my appearance. Truthfully, I should probably just check out. But the thing is, once you understand what nature is, you don’t really want to leave it anymore. I know that I’m guilty of everything in the world but I’m put down my lightsaber. I don’t need it anymore and I don’t want it although honestly, if you need to go outside at night, it rocks as a flashlight. You just have to be very careful not to accidentally cut down the trees on the way over.

What kind of changes have you made physically to adapt to your new situation?

Well, for one thing, I’ve got this white suit. It’s not really white, it’s kind of a cream color.

I really wanted to say that with the new helmet with the baseball hat brim, your outfit has you looking very much a Giant.

Yeah, I feel like I want one of your hats with the G on it.

So I can’t really say I suffer the elements because I’m not going anywhere without the suit. But I do find that when I’m outside in nature, I can take my mask off for a while and breathe a little bit. My internal body really can’t process fresh air very well. I managed to do a lot of damage to myself in my life. But I can taste it and smell it and see it with my own eyes and hear it with my own ears. It’s a real treat.

What do you do about moments of bloodthirsty rage and vengeance?

Yeah, I know. It’s shit being me because whenever anybody starts thinking dark thoughts, immediately I’m the thing they are most afraid of. What I think the trick is is to simply control my temper. I understand that I have this rage. I understand that this rage was cultivated by the emperor. I understand that they asked me to do this thing because of what talent I had and they turned me against my fellow creatures and really messed up my head. I am so very sorry for what I did. To be honest though, the vegan thing was the real key. The moment it was all plant-based, the clouds cleared and clarity came to my head. I can’t undo the scars of my past. I can’t have my limbs back. I can’t have the breeze on my back or the sun on my chest. But I can get as close as I can and I guess like this, I can talk about how I feel without feeling like you’re going to take cheap shots at me.

It’s just about telling the truth. The truth never hurt anybody.

Yeah, maybe you’re right. Good gracious, I’m crying. I should not be crying. I’m going to screw up my mask.

You can probably handle a few tears.

Yeah, you’re right. Listen, am I talking to people?

Whatever you want to say, I will print here.

We don’t need to kill anybody or anything. Life can go on without killing. We just don’t get to be lazy corrupt horrible children who have no sense of the damage that they are doing to others. I cannot deny who I was before and that I was a villain in every sense of the word. Everything about me was Black death. I know I can’t complain or avoid genuine responsibility for all of the misery I have caused, but I’m grateful to live out my days helping things grow instead of killing everything in front of me for political reasons or just because I was too stupid to know the difference.

Well, there’s Torah…

Yeah, you’re right. It’s right there in black and white. Murder is not sustainable. Don’t do it. Don’t even think about doing it. Just work out the problems and see what you can do to make people happy. I know I’m terrible at it. People stare at me when I try. But I do try to make people happy. I do try to be helpful.

I don’t think anyone can ask more for anybody. Thank you Doris for your honesty.

No problem G. I wouldn’t even be here without you.

God bless you my son. Be better.

By the way, when are you going to do between two ferns with Sam Jackson?

Shut the fuck up…

English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Shut the fuck up…