Friday, March 11th 2022

I’m sitting in my kitchen having the last of my coffee. Breakfast was some very simple soup with some buckwheat and I’m feeling very full and very warm. I took down the lace curtains that were in front of my window here. My kitchen is actually more of a greenhouse and the mid-morning light is a bit blinding. It’s 10:30 right now and yeah, I’m getting a late start.

Breakfast took a very long time to cook today. However, I’m not sure whether the gas is finishing, which is very possible or if it’s just too cold to heat up the pots. Everything with water in it was frozen this morning. -10 will do that pretty quickly. I have an electric hot plate for times of emergency but I really won’t know the story until this evening. It’s probably a little bit of both.

I have a second gas bottle but I was too lazy to do the work. You have to be a bit clever about it because the city only gives you one to work with. You have to take the half finished bottle out, put the empty one in, let them give you a new bottle and then allow the half full one to do its job to the end. In this way you never have moments like this where you run out of gas and just have to deal with it for a few days. But then again, not having the gas stove works seems like the least of my problems.

According to Wikipedia, the conflict in Ukraine now has a historical name and a historical background. They are calling it the Russo-Ukrainian war. I myself have a few other names for it and I’m very, very personally familiar with this situation. But some people might call it torture or influence pedaling or selling security. I always see it as an oil war. You really can’t run out of cocaine and be happy. You have to keep the money flowing in order for the drugs to be available when you need them.

My ex partner told me that anybody protesting the war is immediately arrested in town. I asked for the location of where this information comes from but she said it was just hearsay from her company. I worry about the supply chain on this. They know that she is close to me and everybody likes to make sure that we are all paranoid. Perhaps sending warplanes over our heads should have been enough. But then again, just like good old cocaine on the table, there’s no such thing that’s too much of a good thing.

The ruble is stable again at 3.3 to the dollar. When they built the thing, it was slightly under two. They were pretty happy that it was less than two. We have a two ruble coin with two types of metal in it. A very handsome coin. I would think it would be the preferable flipping coin for difficult decisions. But then it migrated over to 2.5 but we could live with that because it made an even number. Then a little while ago it ate too much pasta and forgot to go to the gym and ballooned up to 2.75. we all thought that was a matter of course. You can’t rely on a fat man to thin down forever. But with this new good old boy friendship with the Russians, we are not only facing extensive sanctions, the ruble is now downright bloated again at 3.3.

I have one or two ideas that I’m going to have to look into. But it’s very possible that I am going to have to shut down all but the absolute most minimalistic shopping. Going easy on the space heater is a given. Not buying factory topsoil is the most obvious expense that needs to go away. If I buy food at the market, it’s going to have to be absolutely minimalist and I won’t be able to take cabs to come back home anymore. And I guess I’m going on a diet generally. But I could see the possibility of making it through to June. My diet’s pretty minimalistic right now anyway. I probably won’t starve to death.

I’m going to have to go to Minsk though. That’s just the way these things work and I’m a little bit worried about that. When the KGB wanted to see me last year, as a matter of their intelligence they asked me why I had made a trip to Brest. I thought I had a legitimate reason for that. I went there to keep my ex partner company for a medical exam that could only be done over there. That’s what I told the guy and whatever reason he had for bringing it up was all the same. 

Not that I’m worried about them knowing I go to Minsk but I’m most worried about the money and the process of getting there. Absolutely for sure I will be taking my bike with me and most probably I will have to take the train. This is a very inconvenient problem for me because it means hanging out for 3 hours in the train station waiting for my deal to open. I guess there might be some kind of a tag along thing I can do. Maybe somebody I know who has a car could give me a ride up there. I don’t know, but it’s a necessary trip, there’s no way around it and it’s going to be expensive.

It’s funny but living without spending any money at all doesn’t really scare me so much. I suppose I will break things or things will need repairs. Unfortunately, we live in an economic system and there’s no particular way to get around that. Like I said, I have a couple of ideas that might work.

One other thing though that’s very interesting is that I really have no way to get back to the states right now. Up until now, I had the possibility of going but simply had nowhere to stay and nothing to do there. It would simply be running away to some kind of situation that would not last very long nor would it be very comfortable for myself. I would technically no longer have a life. I really don’t take being a pet very well and despite that perhaps one of my friends might feel benevolent, I’m just not built for couch surfing anymore. I’m too complex and too selfish to keep a smile on my face for very long.

A very old friend of mine has family in Ukraine. I don’t know exactly what the conversation was between them but he told me that they are ready to go down with the ship. I don’t know whether he invited them or whether his parents invited them. I don’t really know his family situation so much but that answer would seem to indicate a refusal. They are at home, for good or for bad and if this is the way the curtain drops, so be it.

Maybe that’s the real thing to talk about. I have battled with feelings of pointlessness for most of my life and I much prefer doing things that have some true sense of purpose to them. It’s not just about being useful, it’s about not doing things in vain. I’m not much of a party goer and I don’t drink at all anymore. I just don’t do the sorts of things that social gatherings call for. And I am a terrible beggar so I just stay away from this generally.

But what is it to live in a culture that makes you accept death so normally? Could it be that we just can’t be made afraid anymore? Can it be that the world has so brutalized us for so long, we think it a matter of course that eventually we’re going to get run over by a tank or have our apartment blown to bits by a rocket. What the hell kind of world is it where you accept being raped in the course of your normal day?

It is rape culture, you know. It’s very much rape culture. I learned this really in the first weeks that I came here that drunken brutality was a norm. I’m not talking about stories of drunks killing and cannibalizing one of their friends because they were hungry and I’m not necessarily talking about children disappearing or the government lying to you about ecological catastrophes. With my own eyes, I saw a man punch a girl in the face for screaming at him and then have the girl just continue screaming. It was as if they had played this game before.

I was the object of desire In This moment. I had met the guy earlier in the day. I didn’t know who he was and simply talked to him a bit. I guess he was a local thug, a gopnik, a nobody and later at a club he seemed very intent on getting me to come drink with him at his table. At the time, a young girl had said her sights on me and I was happily talking to her just outside the bar. When I told him that I would rather be with the girl, he started pleading and when the girl screamed at him for being too stupid to understand that he wasn’t wanted, he blasted her in the face with a right.

I got between them and said something about not hitting women and literally, the guy cried.

Okay, it’s a very poor place and if we even start talking about the money, you’ll never find any altruism in anything I do. And we could add in that everybody was drunk. If they weren’t drunk, they were regular drinkers and this evening out was very much taking place next to the hotel bar. But still, reactions are reactions and neither the guy nor the girl thought anything particularly strange about getting violent with each other or about throwing punches.

And then a couple of years later, I read that Russia had removed physical violence between a husband and a wife as an acceptable reason to call the cops. Here’s the Google page and here’s a blurb:

In February 2017, with the support of the Russian Orthodox Church, Russia decriminalized domestic violence in cases where it does not cause “substantial bodily harm” (such as broken bones or a concussion) and does not happen more than once a year.

But then they might just not answer the call. You get that a lot too.

Anyway, there’s not a lot good going on right now. Today is Friday and tomorrow is my day off. I wish I had something nice to look forward to but I really don’t. I guess not doing any physical labor will be nice. I’m pretty sore today and I could probably use a day off.

It’s just that they find a way to ruin everything. It’s all they do. Really, it’s the mafia, you know? They’re just a downward Force and they collect money on their gravity. It’s a culture of parasitism and it’s been going on for so long the people here don’t even know that any other way of life is possible. Really, I can call them names. I can say that they are the stupidest people in the history of people or something like that but it doesn’t mean anything. The words just bounce off their foreheads and they smile and take pleasure and being able to look a scapegoat in the face.

It’s funny though, I myself can think of several scenarios that would probably turn out okay. But none of them are going to happen. People never go for a scenario or something good happens. People only drive themselves towards pain. and then, when they are so crazy at having nothing but pain to look forward to, the only joy they take in life is when they have an opportunity to give it to others. Who thought up this system? How many times have we voted for its continuation unknowingly? How many times have we voted thinking we were actually saying something? How many times have we been denied our ability to say no?

***

Okay this is really a lot of breakfast thinking. I’m not sure any of it really has any relevance. But I do have one question that I want to add because I want to put it in the record that I asked it.

Why are you punishing the people of the Republic of Belarus? We don’t actually vote here. I am of the mind that perhaps nobody really votes and nobody’s vote really counts and this is especially true after looking at the last few elections. And yes, this is because the Russians were involved in it.

Nobody here has a say about their regions or the country. Nobody controls the government or can do anything about it. That girl with the bad skin the other day told the truth. Russians have no influence over their government and their government does not in any way give a shit about elections. Why do you think punishing an already broken and ridiculous economy is going to make any difference whatsoever to the leadership?

You know, you devalue the money but billionaires don’t feel this. It’s people who need to go to the store to buy a loaf of bread who feel that 33% of their money just got up and walked away. And this is not the first time. This is the fourth major economic catastrophe and we’ve already lost three currencies completely. What is the point of economically abusing us?

I’ve had an entire year’s profit pulled out from under me. But that’s nothing compared to people who have lost their life savings. But now, and I’m not making this up because I’m not particularly sponsored by anybody anywhere, I don’t even have access to my own money. I don’t have access to money I’ve worked for for 20 years. Theoretically, it still exists. Theoretically, it’s sitting in a bank. But I have no access to it. And I’m not even talking about stolen family money. I’m talking about money that I made by working hours and hours and hours for many years. I’m talking about my retirement fund that I worked and saved for years to have.

I don’t understand. I really don’t understand the punishment mentality. 

I’m not jealous of American friends who don’t know what this feels like. I’m not angry at American friends who turn their back on me because it’s “my fault for having chosen such a backward place”. I’m not angry because people believe in the propaganda they read just like the people here do. I am just so completely tired of being fucked with from all sides locally and abroad. I don’t understand why the world is so completely and relentlessly sadistic. Brainlessly and perpetually sadistic and apparently for no other reason than simply to have an opportunity to practice sadism.

Seriously y’all, fuck you very much. Fuck you very much for this completely unnecessary pain. Fuck you very much for making sure that nobody ever, ever has a good day.

Unless of course you make money from it…

***

By the way, although estimates differ, according to wiki as of the moment, between 5000 and 10,000 soldiers have died during this conflict in Ukraine and between 500 and 1,000 civilians. Fuck you very much for that too.

***

Well, that’s going to do it for me. It’s about 4:30 in the afternoon but I’m done. I’m in more than a little bit of pain and I am physically pretty much toasted. Unfortunately, today was a pain day. I haven’t had pure pain days in a while but it affects everything you do when every step you take hurts. Maybe I could have done something about it but I dealt with it and it was extremely frustrating and took an unbelievable amount of energy out of me. I’m on the couch, the only thing left to do is to do some light cooking. Truthfully, I’m not really sure I need to eat. I still have breakfast in my belly and I just don’t want to be on my feet anymore.

I managed to fill three boxes though. Those three boxes could be counted as four boxes because one of them was double size. I’m not making excuses or asking for Glory, I’m just saying that I did a competent job of raking and carrying and now I only have three boxes left.

This doesn’t mean that the job is finished. It’s not. I’ve built the boxes and right now I am putting a layer of leaves and twigs on the underside to act as a barrier to prevent the grass from growing and also to eventually break down and put vital nutrients into the under soil. The remaining work is technically going to be even harder because it won’t only be raking and gathering but digging. I’ve still got quite a ways to go.

But aside from that job, I have swept up the house and taken care of the water and put a double supply of wood in the warm room. The truly cold day was yesterday, hitting -10. Again, when the sun was out it was very nice being outside. I didn’t take off my top layers though because I didn’t really need to get scratched up in the forest but it was pleasant weather wise. Tomorrow is supposed to have a bit of Frost but nothing like it has been and most probably I’ll be able to stay nice and easy in my complete and utter laziness.

I spent most of the day thinking through my problems. I really would not say that I know how to beat this thing because I don’t. But I have a couple of ideas and there is a possibility I might be able to get an accommodation from one or two people who have the power to do such a thing. This is not political. It’s just people I know who have longer fingers than I do who might be able to help out.

I’m not really asking anybody for anything. I’m no good at asking anybody for things. Oftentimes, I will just talk to people or try to talk about a situation and hope that they do the right thing. Truthfully though, I don’t know why I work like this because nobody ever does. I don’t know why the world is as shitty as it is. That sounds a lot like sour grapes but really it’s true. 

Maybe I am crazy by comparison. My two favorite definitions of crazy are doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. I’m guilty of that. The other one is anything outside of societal norms. I heard that in a psychology class in high school and obviously that makes me guilty on two counts. Technically speaking, I guess I’m crazy.

But so what? You could look at the exact same idea of being outside of societal norms and simply say that I am an individual and original thinker. I mean, if I just stood around being a goof and expected people to pay for me, that would certainly qualify me in my book as being a crazy man. This is not me. For the most part even, it’s not a matter of justification but I completely understand why I do what I do. I’m not trying to explain away my actions, I’m just explaining why I do them.

I am an ecologist. I believe in social fairness and social quality. I don’t believe violence solves any problems. I believe in conversation, literacy, reasonable and practical thought and economic equality. Of course that makes me completely batshit insane, right? Nobody who believes in these things could ever possibly be a sane person. Even making a statement like that is probably enough to get me locked up in 23 or 25 States.

Normal is what they’re doing in Ukraine.

You know, people ask me why I just let my cousin steal my money. I know you’re getting tired of hearing about this and believe me, I’m getting tired of thinking about it. But one of the reasons I did not go off to fight my war is that it would be fought on effectively foreign soil. I would have to finance this war, as all wars must be financed, and I would be on enemy territory and having to cover quite a few American style expenses that are way out of my league.

Perhaps there would have been legitimate payday if I won. But how much of my time would have been taken up in this Gamble? And if I didn’t win, what, I’m stranded? I’m stranded where and doing what? I’m stranded with whom? And really, what do my days look like in these situations?

You might think this is crazy and that the streets of America are paved with gold. But lest us not forget that I lived there for the first 35 years of my life depending on how you count. I certainly had good years and managed to put together a few small things that paid the bills but generally, I was never that lucky.

Actually what I learned early on living in the United States was that it is utterly pointless and soul destroying to try and play the economic game. In order to play the game as it is set up, you pretty much put quality of life out the door and forget that it’s there. If you think you can chase the money and you do not have a high paying profession to back up your actions, you ain’t going to get it. That’s worse than winning the lottery.

Lest us also not forget that in order to have that high paying profession, you probably need to be sponsored by a large amount of money or to be given a free road by someone who pulls a lot of strings before you get anywhere. Oh yes, I heard plenty of bosses tell me the secret of their success. But no matter how big of a belly these blow-hards were, a look around the work site told me that there was only one of them and a hundred of us. Do the mathematics yourself and please remember while you do, that every microgram of energy you put into your work helps pay for this guy’s sports car, mistress and cocaine habit. Please let us never forget that the only reason you are there and receiving a paycheck is that this fat bloated zeppelin is making more money than you.

And I’m supposed to dive back into that ocean at my age and physical condition?

No, unlike Putin, I didn’t start off with a head full of cocaine and a desire to aesthetically prove how I could do an operation. I have no belief that you get style points for anything you do and I would still have to do the dirty Work of fighting that war. And it is the dirty Work that has everybody bogged down and all of those resources wasted on a futile expedition that nobody wants, is costing you all of your political equity and in the end, only gives us more pollution no matter which way you look. 

Misery. Death. Wounded people. Already perhaps 50,000 families have been touched by having one of their people broken or killed in this ridiculous exercise. All for the Love of Glory.

My favorite book in the whole world is Fiesta by Ernest Hemingway. It has a second title of the Sun Also Rises. This was the first effort and it came before Hemingway was Hemingway and therefore, he was working very hard at bringing out the nuances. And to my mind, he did a great job. But he talks about this in a conversation about a man who got killed trying to run with the bulls in Pamplona. The moment I’m thinking about comes in a conversation between jake, who counts himself and aficionado of bullfighting and a waiter at a cafe who does not care for it:

“Anything happen at the encierro?”

“I didn’t see it all. One man was badly cogido.”

“Where?”

“Here.” I put one hand on the small of my back and the other on my chest, where it looked as though the horn must have come through. The waiter nodded his head and swept the crumbs from the table with his cloth.

“Badly cogido,” he said. “All for sport. All for pleasure.”

He went away and came back with the long-handled coffee and milk pots. He poured the milk and coffee. It came out of the long spouts in two streams into the big cup. The waiter nodded his head.

“Badly cogido through the back,” he said. He put the pots down on the table and sat down in the chair at the table. “A big horn wound. All for fun. Just for fun. What do you think of that?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s it. All for fun. Fun, you understand.”

“You’re not an aficionado?”

“Me? What are bulls? Animals. Brute animals.” He stood up and put his hand on the small of his back. “Right through the back. A cornada right through the back. For fun–you understand.”

He shook his head and walked away, carrying the coffee-pots. Two men were going by in the street. The waiter shouted to them. They were grave-looking. One shook his head. “Muerto!” he called.

The waiter nodded his head. The two men went on. They were on some errand. The waiter came over to my table.

“You hear? Muerto. Dead. He’s dead. With a horn through him. All for morning fun. Es muy flamenco.”

“It’s bad.”

“Not for me,” the waiter said. “No fun in that for me.”

Perhaps there are those who believe in war. Perhaps there are those who believe that there is no possible way to simply speak out our problems. I myself completely understand that you just cannot reason with alcoholics or drug addicts or any type of sociopaths really. You can’t deal with unreasonable people reasonably.

But I do count myself as a reasonable person. I say this and completely mean it despite how many other unreasonable people choose to place me. Actually, the math on that thought is pretty funny. Why do people consider themselves reasonable when they spend their time worrying about other people’s image? For all of these trolls who think they have an important opinion about me, who are they to me? I don’t know anybody who takes the trouble to prosecute my character who has any business with me whatsoever. All the people I do work with or to whom I would go in a time of need do not even participate in this game. It doesn’t make sense.

But then again, people think it does. People think a Facebook like means everything in the world. In the case of the Russians, you can’t even say he’s working for votes because nobody’s really voting or supporting this war. The press tells us that the Russian people support the war but I have yet to hear from one single person who does. 

Oh, let’s say that’s not true. I have met several people in town who know the rules and do what they are told to do and believe that “their people” are somehow doing the right thing. Again, we’re not talking about rational thinkers here. We are talking about non-thinkers, obsequious flatterers, glad-handers and natural suck ups constantly looking for something interesting to suck up to. For these people, I do not have hate. I take pity on them and reserve my anger for the society that built them into what they are now.

I mean, you’re not going to have every person in class turn out to be Einstein. You’re not going to have elite level IQ from every single person you meet. I understand that you have average people and that everybody’s different in their own way and everybody has their own patterns of thinking.

But as a musician, I also know that practice means something. And if you have a decent teacher who gives you good things to practice, it’s amazing what happens to your skills. You don’t just look at a piece of music and explode at concert level. It takes time and patience and lots and lots of practice. And not just stupid practice but genuine practice with great attention to detail.

What this means is that everybody has potential to be better. The world has a possibility of becoming something worth living in. This thing that we have right now, this absolutely filthy garbage dump of a society that we have built is not the only possible reality. Or even as the deepest and darkest children of alcoholic Russians like to say, you can’t just look at the human race and say that we are beyond hope. There’s always hope.

Except if you say that what we have right here is the only possible variant. We are a garbage species and should be stricken from the planet if and only if we cannot grow or be trusted to take care of the gifts we have.

Right now, we are waiting on spring time. In certain places in the world, it’s already warm enough to get started. And hey, in the southern hemisphere, they are wrapping up their fall right now and heading into winter. Every year brings with it New Hope and new possibilities for a better world. That’s just the way it works. We always get one more go around.

Maybe the point is to just stop telling people to be selfish. Maybe the point is to quit creating insane people for the purposes of making them run around hysterically spending money on things they don’t need that just end up as garbage. Maybe the trick is to just teach people to be gentle and calm and respectful. Maybe we just teach respect for a change or conversation or reasonable problem solving. Why don’t we teach people to be intelligent and at least we can raise the bar a little bit. 

For sure, there are always anomalies. There’s always going to be some idiot who will pick up a stick and break someone’s head with it. There’s always going to be someone who just can’t stop tipping the bottle. There’s always going to be someone who can’t stop trying with all of their heart to disappear and just have the feeling of existence go away for a while. There’s always going to be people who just cannot stand up from the table when they’ve had enough to eat.

But that doesn’t have to be the absolute Norm and we can work on that. Personally, I think if you have people who are drug seekers, there are amazing things out there that feel really good that cause much, much, much less harm than alcohol. Maybe the problem is that they’re free. Maybe the problem is that there are natural inebriations that do not feed the economy or the brainless lunatics who run through the rat race and keep the economy going.

I mean, there’s always love. I don’t know if you’ve tried this drug lately but it is motivating. Just the thought of having some serious, clean and natural love waiting for you at the end of the day will make a person do almost anything. 

I know I sound like I’m about ready to go into a Beatles medley right now and probably you’d be right. I’m running titles through my head and lions from Beatles songs right now. I’m looking at a picture of 80-year-old Ringo Starr walking out on stage and holding up double peace signs. All You need is Love and love is all you need. And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

How about we take a vote on something. Let’s put this right up there with voting for the president or for the passage of a great law. You tell me, should we all raise our hand and vote for 10,000 casualties or a quiet conversation and maybe a football game? Come on, tell the truth. You don’t think we can get a majority on this one? You don’t think we can agree?

I don’t know. My legs hurt. My legs hurt really bad. On the other side, I did my job. But I’m once again between a rock and a hard place. I’m pretty comfortable on this couch because I’m not standing up but the cold is seeping in through my clothing. I’ve either got to move, eat something or burn up some resources to keep a room warm that I can sit in. I’m about ready to choose the latter two. I’m about ready to pack it in and take a day off.

Next week is going to be interesting. Next week I’m going to have to go into town at least and maybe all the way to Minsk. And next week I’ve got to get back to work on my garden boxes. Who knows, maybe next week they will quit killing each other and Ukraine and we’ll all have a good year. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? It would be nice if we all had a good year this year.