Thursday, March 10th 2022

Contamination from the Chernobyl disaster was not evenly spread across the surrounding countryside but scattered irregularly depending on weather conditions. Reports from Soviet and Western scientists indicate that Belarus received about 60% of the contamination that fell on the former Soviet Union. wiki

Ukraine calls for ceasefire to restore power at Chernobyl

Ukraine has appealed to Russia for a temporary ceasefire to allow repairs to be made to a power line to the Chernobyl nuclear power plant, warning that there could be a radiation leak if the electricity outage continued.

Ukraine’s state-run nuclear company Energoatom said on Wednesday fighting between Ukrainian and Russian forces made it impossible to immediately repair the high-voltage power line to the plant, which has been captured by Russian forces.

I heard a lot of stories from people who lived here about the Chernobyl disaster. There was tangible fallout in town. It was like a black soot or dust that was laying all over everything. The Soviets of course refused to tell the truth and only advised that people stay inside. I absolutely can imagine what it was like because I remember when the pandemic first came here and the government refused to do anything about it. They are just not wired to tell the truth about public health problems.

Or how they plan to deal with a war in the backyard.

***

I finished probably my last two boxes yesterday. I took a measurement and though there might be space for one or two more, I don’t think I need anymore. I think it’ll be a pretty decent sized Garden as it is and I’ll have a lot of fresh veggies from it. It’s going to be a lot of work as it is and if it ends up not being enough and I’m still here, still alive and am able to keep this going, I’ll do what I can to save as much food as I can for the winter.

Today I start collecting leaves and twigs from the forest. I don’t know how many trips it’s going to take but I’m starting with the idea of 20 or 30 and I’ll see what that does to the boxes. The last frost day is April 1st but my ex partner seems intent of not planting until May 1st. I don’t believe in this and I think you can start putting things in the ground as soon as possible and then plant more as space becomes available. 

I guess at the bottom line, there’s something to do everyday.

It’s generally pretty cold here. It says it’s -6 but it doesn’t seem to be a painful number. It’s definitely not Town comfortable, if that’s a thing. It’s not as warm as walking into an apartment. But then again, if you’ve been outside and then you come into this one room that I keep heated, it seems pretty toasty. Our bodies are organic things and we adapt to whatever we are asked to adapt to. If you ask yourself to move a lot, you move a lot. If you tell yourself you’re supposed to be sedentary, you can melt into the furniture. Personally, I like it cold more than I like It Hot.

The sky is just now beginning to get blue. I think the name of this color is azure. I can’t really see the whole sky, just a sliver through the window covers but it’s enough.

I can kind of see my breath. I guess that means it’s cold.

Probably I should start moving but I am the king of ambivalence in the morning. I don’t have to do a damn thing. I know that once I get up, I’ll stay up. There’s a huge difference between hanging around and doing nothing and doing something. You can’t mix and match. It’s either one or the other. When I’m up, I’m happy about it and I can always find something to do. But before that happens, I can’t even think of a single reason to fight it. I understand it’s inevitable. But the inevitability can just be and I think I’ll just ignore it a little while longer.

Can someone explain to me though why the Russians are playing with Chernobyl? Can somebody explain what’s going through Vlad Putin’s head? Has she ever said what he wants? I’m not talking about this nationalistic gibberish about reforming the Soviet Union. Nobody’s communist anymore and nobody is interested in sharing the wealth. Can someone explain why the hell this man has to be this bloodthirsty? Seriously, what exactly is the point?

I’ve also noticed that gas prices in the USA have gone up to like $5 a gallon. These are pretty similar to what I understand European prices are. The conservatives are complaining and want more drilling. They want more, more, more! 

Joe Biden seems to be doing his best to walk the tightrope between feeding the necessity of cars and trying to Green up the United States a little bit. I would not be delicate. I’m not that much of a statement.

“It means, fuck you, get out of your car! Nobody wants your auto fumes anymore. Have you ever heard of an invention called the internet? Get a new job! Stay at home! Don’t get sick! Grow a garden, ride a bike, walk, live on less, learn to live well with your neighbors, join a club, play sports in the afternoon, be nice to your family and just type down and shut the fuck up about how difficult it is to drive here car. Nobody wants your fucking car anymore!”

I’m not expecting too many votes in the next election for myself. I’m also not expecting Biden to be around. I do find it amusing that we might have the return of Donald Trump. I only find it amusing because America’s appetite for insanity seems to know no bounds. No offense, or maybe all offense intended, but ever since I started traveling beyond the boundaries of the continental United States, I have noticed that they generally just don’t get it. They don’t live on the same money as anyone else on the planet and yet, they don’t have 1/1000th of the social conscience.

Am I going too far?

What percentage of Americans have social awareness?

You know, sometimes you ask a question of Google and you get a really solid answer. It’s very useful when this happens. This question though has a very common very, very confusing answer and it seems like you have to climb through a forest to find out the truth. But then again, maybe that is the truth. Maybe in America, social awareness is lost in a forest of double talk. The right has just been using the doublespeak snowblower for so long that it has affected American brains and people are not allowed to think simply and plainly anymore. It’s just too complicated to understand so they don’t even try.

I’ve noticed this for a long time. People say this is connected to political correctness but what it really is is like a mental disorder. Saturday night live had a skit about this:

I don’t know, it kind of hurts my brain to think about the United States. 

I would like to explain how I feel. Maybe I’ve already explained how I feel so many times that it doesn’t even make sense anymore. Maybe this entire explanation thing has become so redundant that it’s not even effective anymore. Maybe I’ve made a mistake in trying to raise literacy and using reading and writing as my main medium. Maybe I should have given in and gone completely Instagram with this entire movement.

Okay, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, here’s my situation Instagram style:

I’m open to suggestions. But in the meantime, I guess there’s breakfast and coffee.

***

Yeah baby! 3.3 rubles to the dollar. That’s a smooth 32% devaluation. Rock and roll!

I’m going back to bed. Can you think of any particular reason not to go back to bed? Does this motivate you to get up and work harder? Actually, let’s make sure we all understand ourselves completely. Our peaceful country known for brotherly love and agreement is now joining forces with one neighbor to toss missiles at our other neighbor for no particular reason except money. Because of these actions we’ve now lost 33% of our money and our neighbor is now fucking around with the Chernobyl nuclear plant, turning off the power so that the spent nuclear waste cannot stay cool.

Nope, I’m going back to bed. I cannot think of a single fucking reason in the world to get up.

***

This is a back and forth between White House press Secretary Jen Psaki and Fox News correspondent Peter Doocy. Apparently the conservatives just cannot understand why we don’t turn the entire country over to the oil business and make every other country in the world kiss our asses so that we can get back in our cars. 

I watched this clip several times and what I really cannot understand is how we allow this economic conversation to supersede every other possible aspect of life on the planet. Have none of these people ever heard the phrase “quality of life”? Have they never considered that in order to live, we need clean air, water and food and that actually remaining alive is the only code that everything on this planet has in common. Or better, God didn’t invent money.

I feel like writing a song…

***

Before I forget, this week’s Torah portion is Vayikra. Basically the translation is He called – he / she / it being the deity, nature or otherwise and it was some more rules about how to deal with personal problems. In this case it’s about breaking the rules and sinning. Basically there ends up being a tariff or a sacrifice. To be particularly good about it, sin is a good reason for barbecue and almost all of the forfeits were sacrifices. I think they mention making a sacrifice of various animals about 90% of the time and then they had some spaghetti in there one time. Maybe it was rice. They said grain but it could have been noodles.

You know, this vegan business is a genuinely big deal. Today I’ve been talking about muddled brains and extremely odd economic thinking that appears to be driving people to bloodshed and ecological destruction endlessly. If we listen to the science about global warming, it all comes back to bloodthirsty human activity and our dependence on oil. Or to say it another way, our desperate need to get as far away from home as possible.

Maybe it is really all about meat. Maybe we really genuinely need to accept the fact that we are simply a natural anomaly. Our ancestors were animals just as we are animals. But we are a particular type of animal. We are a type of animal that does not necessarily have to eat meat to survive. In fact, We are much, much healthier, much faster, stronger and sharper without the meat. If anything, the meat is more of a drug and for the most part a drug of insanity.

I would prefer the world not to come down on my head for what I’m about to say but I’d like to talk about marijuana and paranoia for a moment.

I don’t really want to get into the scientific understanding of what marijuana does or how cannabinoids affect our nervous system. But I think I can talk anecdotally that most people who prefer not to smoke marijuana, those who are not specifically told by law that they cannot do this, stay away from it for two general reasons. The first is that it tends to slow them down from living at their absolute economic peak motivation and the second is that it makes them paranoid. You can argue with me if you’d like about the positives, enhancing music, particular moments, bringing out artistic creativity, etc, etc. But I think we are okay in that you stop caring a lot about money, more about aesthetics or you get crazy frightened.

I just want to suggest something here that should be considered seriously. If we are connected to the ecological catastrophe that is the world right now, and we are, slowing down is an absolute positive for the planet. If slowing down does not suit our current economic system, frankly, fuck the economic system in favor of quality of life and allow people to slow down. If we are going to destroy our entire planet trying to run against an economic system that is built to suck every last moment of our lives away from us, we have a bad economic system. We don’t need to vote for perpetual slavery if we don’t want to. Maybe slower is better.

But then we have the second issue of enhanced fear or even paranoia. Firstly, legalization or at least decriminalization would remove quite a bit of fear. This is an absolute given. But I don’t think that’s all of it.

If we are eating meat, we are taking this animal, the essence in life of this animal into ourselves. If it’s about a haunted animal, all of that adrenaline and fear of impending death becomes part of its body that we then ingest. But forget about that. If what we ingest is factory farmed animals, can you imagine the perpetual sensual assault and fear that these animals must experience every second of their lives.

Let’s be as clear about this as possible. You don’t have to argue whether humans are higher than animals or what rights we have and what rights they don’t, if you raise your hand to strike your dog or your cat they will move to run away from you. They react to a threat as with any other animal on the planet. We don’t have to argue sentience, because as you would offer love or food or as you would offer pain or violence, the reaction from the animals is obvious.

So if we accept the concept of sentience, if we just agree that these living creatures react to heat and cold and their environment just as exactly as we do, imagine yourself in a factory situation of clanking noises, having your body injected endlessly with drugs, sitting in overcrowded conditions and living in your own shit all while waiting for your eventual death.

This is what we call meat. And if you get high and you heighten your ability to experience the world right in front of you and your body is burning animals, there’s no doubt in my mind where this fear comes from.

Personally, I don’t really like hanging around with alcoholics. I find them dim and impulsive. I find alcoholics with jobs to be absolutely narcissistic in their self love. It’s like talking to someone standing at the top of the stairs and pissing on you. And I find alcoholics without jobs to be amongst the most disgusting people I’ve ever met. Perhaps the most disgusting entities on the planet Earth.

However, let’s understand that life is boring and painful and we often do not get to live the lives we want. If there is an opportunity for pain relief, people will choose it. If you’re a drug is your telephone, if your drug is alcohol, if your drug is money or things money can buy, if your drug is your automobile that allows you to run away from your home and go far away from your family so you don’t have to deal with them for a while or even airplanes to take you over the seas and stay at hotels rather than looking at your own stuff day after day after day, we are all drug addicts and we all choose to relieve ourselves from our pain. There is no one who would rather not take anything or do anything. There is no one who purposely sends themselves towards suffering. No animal does this and no people would either.

For this reason I believe hypersensitivity is much more interesting than dulled senses and I believe creativity and kindness is much, much better than ragged and relentless forward progress and mindless repetition. It’s like looking for cancer or making cancer go away.

***

I know this is kind of nonsense but it just occurred to me that we can do a gang sign for this that would be pretty cool. In the last Belarusian elections, the ladies all held up hand signs as part of their way of communicating a brighter Belarusian future. I don’t want to get into my personal feelings about that debacle but it does occur to me that there is a very simple way to communicate this concept right here with hand signals. 

I’m not saying we should all do this. I think it’s a little bit childish to go in this particular direction. But if you think about it, we know what a peace sign is, we know what these two hands held up to make a heart means and then I guess if you just raise one hand with all of your five fingers extended, we are agreeing that we would rather not be murdering alcoholics anymore.

***

Okay, I admit it. I am just writing all of this today as a way of avoiding leaf and twig patrol. Today starts box filling and according to calculations, we’re talking about 14 cubic meters of material. I’ve got 19 working days to do this by hand and I’m okay with the task. It’s good exercise and it’s a good way to spend a day. Nevertheless, it’s cold and I have been hanging out with the computer instead

But before I throw myself into the forest, I’d like to take everything I’ve been talking about and put it into good perspective. I’d like to invite the glorious leaders of this civil war to take a bit of a trip with me. I would definitely suggest getting high for this. 

If we were to take Mr Putin, Mr Lukashanka and Mr Zelinski and put them right there in tank number one and let them roll into Chernobyl with live ammunition, I think they would perhaps rethink their position on sending other people into war.

It’s one thing to sit in the comfort of your bunker, chewing on medium rare filet mignon and cleaning the pallet with some nice Cabernet Sauvignon and where in the helmet and carrying the automatic weapon for real. I don’t really think there’s so much bravery when you’re commanding yourself to go into The fray. I don’t think you’d be so quick to order yourself into the front lines and directly into a firefight knowing that it’s yourself who might take a bullet for the cause.

As an example, I suppose it’d be nice if I had a helper and said something like “boo hoo hoo, I’m an old man and you have to go off into the forest and collect leaves and twigs for me. I’m too old and too broken to do this myself and so I’m going to sit here and enjoy my extravagant $200 lunch and you go off and do the manual labor for me.”

No, I know as an absolute fact that even when I was actually and truly sick, there was not a person in this little village of mine who would lift a finger to help me except for the alcoholics looking for money for wine. There was not a single fine upstanding citizen who would lift a single finger to help me even in a genuine time of need. I doubt if it were not for economic slavery that anyone would be willing to carry a gun to go shoot their brother in the head just to keep Vlad and Sasha in steaks for another 5 years. People just don’t work like that.

So that’s all I’m saying. You show me where Vlad puts his flak vest on, draws his pistol and starts screaming “yippee ki-yay motherfucker” as he goes headlong into the reactor to start firing his weapon and people trying to keep the electricity on. I mean seriously big boy, I’ve seen the calendar pictures, go strap your boots on and get into this fight yourself before you start sending your people and to do your dirty work for you.

And now I’m done. Leaves and twigs. Natural sun blockers and hugelkultur. Yippee-ki yay.

***

Let’s take a small break. Eight trips and it’s about 10 minutes a trip to gather a wheelbarrow of humus. Humus is not hummus.

Humus is the organic component of soil, formed by the decomposition of leaves and other plant material by soil microorganisms.

Hummus is the rather delicious combination of some kind of beans or peas mixed with some kind of nut or seed fat. Traditional hummus is a combination of chickpeas and sesame seeds. The sesame seeds are ground to form tahini. But truthfully, you can make all kinds of combinations of this protein and fat dish. And depending on how much liquid you put in it, it is anything from a delicious milk to tofu / cheese. It’s all delicious and a staple.

I don’t know why I had to say that. Everybody knows what hummus is. Certainly all vegans and vegetarians know what hummus is. Actually, all epicureans know what hummus is. Yeah, hummus on toast. Hummus on a bagel. Hummus with chips. Hummus on French fries. Hummus with macaroni. Hummus with flatbreads, without saying.

And yes, my vegan mac and cheese was Hummus. If not traditional hummus, a very salty cheesy delicious comfort food variant.

I don’t know why I’m talking about this really. I’m not hungry. I’m just a little leg tired. This is not so much work but anytime you start to do a new task, it’s a bit debilitating because you have to figure it out. After this, it gets easier.

So eight trips has basically two boxes filled. Basically, I could add a fifth if I wanted to. But basically I’m seeing this as maybe 34 or 36 trips overall and I am 8 in. It’ll probably be about the same thing when I start collecting dirt.

I told my ex partner about this and she asked me if I was going to be bringing in a load of shit. That is a really good question. I could do that and that would definitely add quite a bit of fertility. Or I could avoid it and go vegan organic. The argument here is whether I want the shit from exploited farmed cows and in doing so be forced to deal with the bullshit of the alcoholics who would or would not bring the wagon load by. Or, I could stay with what I’m doing and either purchase a decent load of quality topsoil or even dig it myself out of the forest floor. No one’s been in there for a couple of years and that land is black as coal.

Anyway, all of this is something to think about on the 10th of March. I have 18 working days till last frost. Probably anything’s possible in 18 working days.

***

Well that really sucked. I broke my favorite saw cutting wood here at the end of the day. We are still in the midst of this cold streak and so I needed some more wood. Actually, the ex partner was rather impressed at how little wood I go through here. I guess if it were her, she’d be burning down The Forest right now trying to keep the entire house warm. I just heat one room and I cut my logs down in half by hand. It makes a smaller, more intense fire and of course saves resources. Also the wood cutting keeps you warm.

However, this was my best saw. I have three hand saws here. They are left behind by the previous owner and of the three, only one of them had that perfect touch. I used that one to go through all of the garden boxes and I’ve been cutting wood with it all year. But today it gave up the ghost. It can be fixed. But I need a drill bit that will take on metal and a couple of bolts and I guess I can put it back together.

The other two are just wrong. One bites too much and the other one gets stuck in the curf every time. Neither one is as dependable as old number one. 

I did manage to get through the wood I brought up from the shed. But that last piece of oak almost broke me. I had to keep sawing and sawing and the blade kept sticking and sticking and I switched saws and started a new notch and it just went on and on and on until finally I picked it up and smashed it and it actually broke for me. That was too much work here at the end of the day.

I didn’t end up carrying any more leaves from the forest. I took a break and then got cold and then when I stood up I realized that this new activity was taking a little more out of me than I thought. It’s not a big deal, you can adjust to anything in about 3 days. By the time I get finished with this first bit, I’ll be into carrying dirt and by then I’ll be a pro.

I don’t want to talk like an idiot here but you have to want to do this. I’m not trying to make any points with my chicken neighbors or any of the other gasoline fagots of the neighborhood. I’m not trying to make an image. I’m just an ecologist and I’m in this for my health and the pleasure of doing it. 

I like working with wood. I like basic carpentry. I even kind of like landscaping a little bit. I’m not really that patient as a gardener but maybe all the labor I put in building up this year’s Garden will give me some sense of connection to it. Even if it doesn’t, I’ll still do my job.

But you have to think that this is a good thing. You have to believe that you’re doing a good thing. I don’t know what direction would make sense but there’s a lot of good ways to look at this. Helping out your own food security is a plus. Doing what you can to live with a minimal or non-existent carbon footprint is good. Being very gentle on resources and using your own energy to get stuff done instead of relying on the oil business to kiss your ass for you. Even maybe building up your own home instead of running around all over the world wasting resources and chasing dollars that you don’t need to buy things you shouldn’t bother with and just make all the garbage and pollution in the world pretending it’s meaningful.

There’s an argument about whether I should get out of here or not. The American embassy called for Americans to get out of here and I guess I had a few friends call and ask at least how I was. It’s pretty logical to be worried. Belarus is a pretty weird place. It’s not really our war but our illustrious president seems hell bent on participating. Either he’s looking for sincere brownie points from Vlad Putin or he genuinely wishes to justify all of that Homeland security and have a reason to buy guns and other such toys. None of this is my style and neither is getting shot by an over enthusiastic alcoholic nincompoop with a gun who thinks he’s doing something for his country by taking out an American. We have more than a few of these.

But then again, I bought this house planning on using it for my retirement. And right now, I’m making use of the month of March to build up this Garden in such a way that it will provide a lot of food for me. And in the coming years, all of the trees and berry bushes that I’ve planted and those that I plan to plant will make this place what they call a food Forest. If I can solve the water problem and if I can convince the world to stop driving cars and eating factory meat and doing everything else that has caused this ecological catastrophe that we are living in.

Right now, it is very quiet. The sound of me sawing away and occasionally swearing at the bad saws was really the only sound here. No one is running weed wackers at this time of the year and nobody’s come home in their shitty 20 year old gas guzzling Eco disaster. Nobody’s crying or screaming. Everything is okay and it looks like I’m going to have an opportunity to make a nice little supper for myself and then light a fire and enjoy a quiet evening.

Nobody ever said life was easy. Nobody ever said that you’re supposed to get everything for free. Certainly nobody ever made me any promises I believed were real and I learned that when I got screwed out of some promises that were made.

But that doesn’t mean that the drugs we choose have to destroy the world.

Right now, Vlad Putin is chasing oil. I don’t really know what it is to him. Power, cocaine parties with $1,000 a night hookers. I don’t know what kind of excess he enjoys or even if it is just dreaming about being the next global conqueror. As if he hasn’t noticed that the world isn’t so stupid anymore. As if he hasn’t noticed that being on television is a lot different from existing in books and hearsay.

This invasion of Ukraine is a joke. It’s pathetic and disgusting. It’s not a precision military action and people are dying on both sides and resources are being wasted and the year is being destroyed for thousands and thousands of people. And all of this just for the perverse idea of sustaining power. I can’t believe we are looking at this in this day and age. I can’t believe we are looking at something like this when the internet exists. There are literally thousands of people instagramming the war. Everybody on both sides has a cell phone and is shooting pictures. These are not old time Cossack warlords. There is no one there who fits any kind of romantic book image of historical Slavic greatness. These are a bunch of gamers and spice heads. 

Look around! Even the body type has changed over the last 10 years because people did not grow up doing physical fitness, they grew up in front of the computer! 

And all for nothing. All of it just to keep the drug supply going. None of this does anything for the country of Russia or for the country of Ukraine or for the country of Belarus or for any bloody country for that matter. No actions by any country in Europe or from the states or from anyone connected to the Russians is doing anything for any people but costing us money and bringing us misery. Nobody is working on giving the people of any country a decent quality of life with some decent social security and an ability to live well and without fear. Not one single leader of any country involved in this situation is doing anything to help anybody.

All they are doing is chasing drugs. They’re chasing money. They’re chasing power. They’re chasing oil and they’re chasing a dream and like all addicts, taking us all down with them.

***

Okay, so that’s about enough. It’s 8:00 and I am in the warm room being cozy. According to the weather service, we’re still having freezing temperatures and I guess that was true while I was having dinner. I made a very simple barley porridge. It wasn’t pearled barley but more like smashed grain. It takes a little longer to cook and it has a little bit more chew to it. And I cooked it in a nut milk / hummus business. I guess I got to thinking too much about hummus to not have some chickpeas for dinner. It was a very small and fast thing to do. A half a handful of peas and some sunflower seeds with a touch of vinegar and that’s it. Into the blender, enough water to have it be milk going in and that was it. There were some veggies of course. Nothing special and whatever was lying around and everything was finished in one pot in about 10 minutes. Absolutely delicious, very warming, very calming, exactly what you want on a frosty afternoon.

Yes, this is a pretty rustic life so there are always little things to make sure you get right at the end of the day. There is no throwing yourself onto the bed and letting the world take care of itself. If you don’t do it, it won’t get done and if it’s not done, you’re going to be sorry later. For me this means making sure I have enough firewood and that I have a little dish of nuts to enjoy with tea. All the tools had to be put away and the house needed it to be locked up. These are little things but they are nitpicky and they need to be done.

Tomorrow is Friday and this will make a difference. I am going to need to go to the store. I don’t really have to. I can make my own bread and I don’t really need to buy anything. But if I do, it’ll be a little bit less work and maybe not working so much is exactly what I want for my day off.

I’ve noticed that I’ve put a lot more words here this week than in the first couple of months. Probably I’m just nervous about the war. Probably everybody is nervous about the war.

And… shitfuckpiss.

https://belnovosti-by.turbopages.org/belnovosti.by/s/obshchestvo/western-union-priostanavlivaet-rabotu-v-rossii-i-belarusi

Well, that’s going to hurt.

You know, I make it sound like I’m such a perfect person. Here we are at the end of the day and the first thing I want to mention is that I take care of all of my chores. Well, that was one sure I forgot to do and that’s going to hurt.

This one is going to be a tricky one to figure out. But one thing for sure is that I am not going to be buying dirt this year. That had always been part of the plan to pick up some factory topsoil. I guess now I will be relying on my own back and hands because we are going to have to be as cheap as humanly possible.

You never know. There might be a way to fix this money problem. But not only is the local currency dropping like a Stone, now there’s no way to get paid from outside. That’s crazy stupid but even if people start buying my book, I won’t see any money until this damn war is over.

Well, what can I say? The fire is nice and cozy and I guess I have plenty of wood in the forest if I need it till the end of the month. I have a nice house to live in and it doesn’t cost me too much to get around. And, I’ve got a nice Garden to build up and in a couple of months, if we don’t get killed in a rocket attack or shot by an over-exuberant soldier, we will have some fresh greens coming up. And hey, I have a ton of potatoes. And cabbages are damn cheap. So are onions and beans and porridge and rice and even macaroni. Nobody’s going to starve.

And hey, I forgot. I own this house. I own it outright with no mortgage, extremely small taxes and I’ve already paid for my insurance. Nope, not ending up on the street because of this. What else should I worry about? I’m still talking to my ex partner so I have a place to go for a bath and to get my clothes washed. I guess I could also cry on her shoulder if I needed it. And I have this blog. Google docs is free and my website is paid for for 3 years. And who knows, maybe something good will happen. I always like to be optimistic. You never know.