Monday, December 10th 2022
It’s the bottom of the 7th and the Mets have just received their first gift of the day. Joe Musgrove is kicking ass and taking names for the Padres and the Mets just didn’t get a clean game from Chris Bassett. The gift was a failure to call a third strike even though starling marte went around. They put him on base and he was fast enough to avoid a double play. Pete Alonso right now is at the plate hoping to get a little magic started. The Mets are down four to nothing.
All three NFL teams I like won today. The 49ers are an imperfect team but a very good imperfect team. The buccaneers behind ageless vegan Tom Brady almost blew it but managed to get things back under control late in the fourth quarter. And most amazingly, the Jets managed to beat Miami handily. And then we got to the Mets game.
Bassett got through the first like a hot knife through butter but in the second, lost his ability to communicate with the catcher. For some reason, they need electronic technology for something they’ve been doing with their fingers and their naked eyes for 120 years. Suddenly, Bassett couldn’t understand the signals, lost the strike zone and started walking people. All the air went out of the stadium and whatever positives I was enjoying from the football suddenly became yet another Met game. Nothing in the world except maybe living in Belarus is equal to the frustration of being a met fan.
Alonzo flies out and now batting title owner Jeff McNeil with his funky no knob bat is looking for some two out magic.
It wasn’t only the loss of concentration that has done the Mets in so far. Musgrove is pitching a beautiful game. He had a no-hitter through four and has only tossed 86 pitches to get through seven innings of Mets. A light tapper back to the mound and the seventh inning is now in the books.
I was pretty broken at the end of yesterday. When everybody finally went home and the noise and the work finished, I sat down on the couch in the office but was fast asleep within 10 minutes. My brain synapses just didn’t want to work anymore. There’s a thing about living with chronic pain. You become a pretty controlled person because you understand that all of your movements are going to incite pain within yourself. It takes quite a bit of discipline to convince yourself to walk or that walking will get better after a minute or two of agony. Yesterday, I put up a good effort. I feel good about myself. But by the time we got to the end of the day, I was at the end of my rope. There was no more and the texture change between activity and the silence of my normal life was enough and I just put my head down on a pillow and disappeared for a while.
I suppose it would have been nice to sleep through the night but that was never my intention. I had my alarm set for the 2:00 a.m. start of this ball game before my nap. Eventually, all the nap did was take my need for sleep away from me and by the time the football games got going on the east coast of the USA, there was no reason for me not to tune in. I suppose I dozed a bit now and again but I’ve been sitting here watching sports ever since.
Givens is the new met picture and he is not really in command. The Padres already have a man on first with no outs and they are looking very much as if they are interested in padding the lead.
The winner of this game gets the pleasure of playing the dodgers. I’m not really sure that’s very much of a prize. I hate the dodgers. The dodgers are my nemesis. I hate everything about LA on principle. This will never leave me. This was a natural hatred that was put into me when I was young and I’ve never let go. Considering how many Hollywood movies I’ve watched in my life, I guess I might be kind of hypocritical. But I will never root for the dodgers. And with this bloated hyper rich magic Johnson monstrosity they have now, I guess I will happily root for the Padres.
The Padres actually have a pretty interesting team. Juan Soto started this mess. He played with Bassett’s attention, stepping out of the box and calling time again and again. Juan Soto led the world in walks. He is a great batter but he lives for screwing the heads of pitchers. He certainly did a number on the Mets.
The Mets are calling for Edwin Diaz, their closer. One of the coolest things in baseball this year was Diaz’s walk up music.
Hopefully he’s up to the drama here. The Padres have men on second and third with one out. Diaz has had one of the greatest reliever seasons in the history of baseball. He struck out 70% of the batteries he faced this year with a 1.31 era and not even a batter in any could get on base against him.
He just struck out Profar with a 100 mph fastball right down the middle for 2 hours.
Well, blah blah blah blah blah. Juan Soto again and he hit the first pitch the opposite way and both runners scored. It is not impossible to overcome a six-run deficit. That just happened in the playoffs this year. But basically, it pretty much seems like getting swept by the Braves in the second to last series of the year, both Scherzer and deGrom going down in that series that pretty much reminded everybody what it’s like to be a Mets fan.
Photo got thrown out trying to steal and the mats have got six outs to come up with six runs or get ready for a lot of sad talk with the sports writers and a lot of self-rationalization and self-actualization by Mets fans everywhere. Wait till next year.
Why am I doing this? I mean, blogging during this baseball game and doing my best to imitate a sports writer? I don’t know. I’m pretty tired and I just want to go to sleep. I’m happy to have had the opportunity to watch sports today. Most of the pirate channels I get through my internet are absolute crap but today I found one feed that was generally reliable all evening. I guess that was a plus.
Okay, here we go. Robert Suarez is the new pitcher for the Padres. Mark Canha is batting in the bottom of the eighth. Well, was batting. A high 100 mile an hour fastball is enough to put an end to that. Five outs remaining. Way too fat Jason Vogelbach is up now. He’s one of these guys that disproves the myth that bumble bees really shouldn’t fly. He can run and he definitely can hit. But he does not look very good in pinstripes. I think I should send him a letter and talk about the virtues of veganism with him.
Right in the middle of his at bat, the broadcast decided to show a beer commercial. I guess that makes sense. I think he would have been better off drinking beer and he popped out to Machado for the second out of the inning.
Speaking of veganism, Mic the vegan wrestles with the definition of veganism while taking the trouble to talk about the definition of the word practical. I’ve been doing practical English for two decades. I think he’s hitting the nail on the head.
If you do take the trouble to go through this video and listen to his thoughts about trying not to hurt even the slightest insect, let it be known that I am a bloodthirsty psychopathic murderer of flies. I hate being bothered by flies and I will take the trouble to stand up and butcher as many of them as possible. I don’t eat them for food and stopping their existence does not cause me any sense of guilt. I don’t buy clothing made of leather, I do not purchase or grow any animal based food. I choose not to use insecticides in my garden and to be honest, I am extremely limited in the amount of factory products I buy for beauty. Additionally, I do not wish for the deaths of Russians or Russian soldiers or for anybody really and I certainly don’t go around looking for opportunities to kill people that I do not like. In this way, except for the fly murders, I feel pretty genuine in my practices.
I also feel it’s better for health, mental and physical, to practice veganism wherever practicable.
That was another strike out for strike 3 by the way. The Padres up for the top of the 9th and then three outs to go for the end of the season.
If it means anything, the St Louis club with all of their power, charisma and even emotion with Albert Pujols finishing his career with an absolute Juggernaut 24 home runs putting him up over the 700 mark went out without ever scoring a run. Pool holes got a hit, a bit of a rally starter in his final Major League at bat but it went by in vain and several great careers came to a close not with a bang, but with a very silent whimper.
As long as I’m posting links here, Zelinsky puts his foot down over the terrorism of Russian bombardment of civilian spaces.
If you want to talk about heartbreaking, try sitting in his seat for a while. Honestly, they don’t have MVPs amongst country leaders but if they did, it’s hard to imagine that the president of Ukraine would not win the award this year. Amongst the reasons for this war has to be anti-semitism. But like him or not like him, you have to give admiration where admiration is due. He is not only managing the war effort but also doing everything he possibly can to keep the country going. He has my respect.
And speaking of heartbreak and the war, the map readers are reporting that their monetization is coming back and that it was a glitch. Or maybe not. I’ve now noticed that even American war bloggers are getting demonetized. The Americans however don’t mind the loss of money too much. I guess they have enough that it doesn’t bother them so much. This is nice to know.
Denys Davydov is one of these guys but nevertheless, money or no money, he has put together a very wide-ranging report on the war. Included in this episode are remarks about the leader of the Wagner group talking to soldiers who have recently lost limbs telling them that they probably could come back and fight some more. This is either a psychopath or great optimism. I vote for the former. Also there is information specifically about Pinsk helping to coordinate another attack from the north. The Belarusian government conversely predicted that Ukraine would invade Belarus on the 8th. This didn’t happen but this would certainly explain the helicopter flights I heard. Nothing good can come of any of this.
And that brings us to the bottom of the 9th. Six nothing and Josh Hader is on the mound. He has also had a monster year this year for a monster team that probably underachieved. Honestly, with the talent they have they could have just as easily won 110 games right along with the hated Dodgers. 86 was a paltry number All things considered.
Tomas Nido struck out swinging for out number one. Brandon Nimmo is now at the plate. A called strike, foul ball, he takes a 99 mph fastball high on outside, another foul ball, he takes high for ball two and then a weak ground ball to Machado that’s short and let’s call this two outs.
And of course, this is when my pirate website decides to fail.
Here we are back with starling Marte. He quickly falls behind oh and two. The Mets are down to their last strike. Marte fouls one off and breaks his bat in the process. Hader is a wild man. All angles and aggression as he throws his hundred mile an hour heat. Another fastball fouled off, this one right into the face of the empire. The Padre bench is on edge waiting for the end of the game. Hater looks in, marte is taking his sweet time. Here’s the pitch, high for ball one. And the last pitch of the game is the ground ball to third, Machado picks it up and that is the end of Mets baseball for 2022.
And let’s say that’s the end of this morning’s diatribe. It seems like this is what happened when I tried doing this with the Giants last year. I think my future is not as a sports writer and I think I need to learn my lesson about blogging baseball playoff games in October. No good ever comes from blogging baseball games in October.
***
This video is a little out of the norm for me but I put a comment on it and thought it worthy of discussion. I don’t know if it’s available in English subtitles or not but you can have a look and I think you might understand what he’s saying even if you don’t speak Russian.
The premise is that this Russian blogger lives in San Francisco and is attending some kind of sexual freedom party on Folsom Street. He is both proud of himself for his liberal ability to view sex acts, both gay and straight, and at the same time he finds the delicate language to speak to his people back home in almost apologetic terms. At the same time, he does mention the difference between what he calls a completely free society and the natural brutality that comes along with the more socially repressed Russian norms. He also makes a point several times to show the homelessness problem.
Here is the comment in English that I put on this video:
This is a really interesting video. The clash of cultures is in front of the eyes. I like how you speak about the violence inherent in a restrictive Russian World as opposed to how you call unlimited freedom. and I like how it is difficult to speak of public sexual depravity. It is difficult for people to have thoughts of how much they are drawn to such depravity, especially when there are moments when they know they want it for themselves but cannot admit it. but the truth is the division of wealth is enormous in San Francisco. greed has created enormous social stratification. the winners might be completely free to make for themselves any world they want but the losers are everywhere and must live in their own shit. This is capitalism. This is America.
It’s hard to explain what I experienced watching this video because I grew up in the San Francisco Bay area and I’ve lived here for 20 years. I’m aware of both sides of the culture class that he is pointing to. If I can add anything else to this, the ultra pure liberalism is a myth and exists solely within the ghetto of San Francisco proper. I grew up down the peninsula and I promise you, we had the same restrictive norms including homophobia and aggressive behavior that is normal in Russia. We had the same conservatives running things and the same violence and aggressiveness exist everywhere where conservative politics exist.
I could also say that the difference between provincial life and City Life is the same everywhere in the world. Perhaps not to the freak show access witnessed in this video, but the same is true if one would travel from where I live to town or from Pinsk to Minsk. Perhaps the homeless problem is not as pronounced and obvious, but what is true for urban life is true for urban life everywhere.
Let’s just say I’m happier in the country generally. I have some shitty conservative neighbors who are basically just shitty people. But I much prefer the quiet to the freak show, thank you very much.
***
Fuck shit piss God damn it. This is what I get for going online. In retaliation for the bridge and whatever else they have in mind, the Russians are shooting cruise missiles at Kiev. Here is a link to a live broadcast. I don’t know how long this is going to last.
Here is another that will probably stay on the internet for a while.
And the situation happening live on BBC.
Or here if the previous doesn’t work
This one is either a journalist or a civilian just taking her off footage. The policeman talking to her tells her to move away, he then mentions that he is speaking in a normal human voice which is a Russian way of saying a threat.
The genuine logistical problem with this for me is that the attacks probably came from the Republic of Belarus. They hit several towns in the northwest of the country including Lviv. This unfortunately means that they were shooting from Belarus.
Seriously. Seriously, seriously, seriously. This is not good.
There are a couple of news sources talking about the escalation in Belarus over the last few days. This one is from ukranews.com:
Russia is trying to drag Belarus into an open war with Ukraine. This was stated by Vadym Skibitskyi, a representative of the Defense Intelligence of the Ministry of Defense of Ukraine.
“We see measures taken by the Russian Federation in order to force the leadership of Belarus to enter into an open war. Meetings between Putin and Lukashenko, where this issue is discussed, are constantly held, and Putin is trying to persuade Lukashenko to this decision.
Today, according to the military intelligence of Ukraine, 6 battalions are concentrated near our border. These are mechanized battalions, these are battalions of airborne troops of the so-called command of special operations forces.
How long this situation will last will depend on how events will develop at the front and, in general, how events will develop in Russia’s war against our country,” said a representative of Ukraine’s military intelligence.
The Defense intelligence of the Ministry of Defense also reminded that yesterday, October 8, the Ambassador of Ukraine in Belarus was handed a diplomatic note, which states that Ukraine is allegedly planning an attack on the territory of Belarus.
As Ukrainian News Agency earlier reported, Aleksandr Lukashenko confirmed that Belarus is participating in the so-called special military operation in Ukraine.
On September 1, Lukashenko declared that Belarus fully supports the Russian Federation in the war against Ukraine, but will fight only in the event of an external attack on its territory.
***
Right. It’s about 1:30 and I’m sitting in the kitchen having just eaten another one of those absolute epic vegan meals that this kitchen/cafe produces regularly. I call it a cafe because I have a chair in here and a stool next to me that can act as a table if I need it to. I’ve been drinking a lot of tea and I have the view of my front walkway and my gate. If people do come by to see me, this is the place I first get to lay eyes on them. As a negative, every time my chicken neighbors leave their property, they continue to poison the air with their notoriously old and shitty automobiles. I dream about solutions to this problem but I doubt anything will move them. You can’t reason with alcoholics, Russians, anti-semites or psychotics and unfortunately, my neighbors suffer from all of the above.
I pulled up a cabbage, the last cabbage in one of my boxes and it is just perfect. It has a few holes in it where various creatures have had some lunch but there is no signs of rotting and very little has been needed to be trimmed off. For today’s meal, I just used the old outer leaves. These are tough and a bit greener for having lived the longest. Generally, you will never see these things at the market except for those who like to make cabbage rolls and such from them. I think they go just fine in cooked food. I don’t mind that they are harder and tougher at all. It’s probably just better fiber.
So this was the greens in a meal of brown rice and green lentils. As usual, I dropped a portion of quinoa in there as well. After that, there were some dried chilies, a bunch of garlic, a yellow onion and one white Forest mushroom simply because it’s here. I ground up some pepper and cardamom to put some spice in there and it was amazing. There were a few extra ingredients that went into my individual bowls but basically that’s it. The soup from the cooking was amazing. The veggies themselves were amazing. The little bits of mushrooms you found along the way were amazing. Did I tell you it was amazing? It was amazing
I guess this little report seems a little manic depressive after this morning’s discovery about the bombing of Kiev and belarus’s potential entrance to the war. I have no comment about that. I mean, how much hysteria is a man supposed to feel? And no matter what, what the hell am I supposed to do about anything? I’ve been here throughout the entirety of this misguided conflict. I’ve heard the sound of warplanes and War helicopters and I’ve seen military vehicles parked in front of our local store. I’ve read everything and watched all of the videos. It may be getting hotter but it’s not any different and the results are not any different and my position is not any different.
So in cases like this and especially after a busy physical day followed by a night of no sleep, I basically let my body dictate policy. I needed to get up and go to the bathroom and while I was up, I decided I could use something wonderful for a meal. It’s as simple as that. I’m still here. I’m still alive. Might as well get some lunch.
What I’m thinking of however is fixing this bench myself today. I have quite a few materials lying around that would do a fine job of this. The actual bench seating boards are pretty old but are still hard and functional. It’s the pedestal that’s falling apart. I have two oak posts that Ghenna Left behind for exactly this job and there are two steel support posts already sunk into the land to fix a back support to. I’m thinking I could probably do this job today. The sun is shining, it’s a beautiful day and I think I could take a little more labor.
The logistics of the job as I see it are to take apart the existing bench and if possible, keep the roofing pegs that hold the three seating boards to the pedestal. The pedestal itself is completely rotten and needs to come out. I can reuse the holes but I’m going to need to collect some dirt as backfill. After that, Jenna had an original plan to put a slight recline on a backrest. I don’t think I need that but what I think I’m going to do is use some of these rounded fence posts that he also left behind, cut them in half and use them for a straight back. I think I have enough nails and screws and material to take care of this pretty quickly.
The second job is doing something to fix the well. Although we have a new pump well which is very convenient, I find I’ve been using the local well lately for my household needs. I rarely need more than two buckets. I use one for my washing up sink and another one is just a bucket for drinking water. I have 40 more liters of drinking water with hand pumps if I need it but to be honest, I get by pretty well without them.
If I really got ambitious, there’s quite a bit of building I can do in this kitchen. I think I mentioned that the window definitely needs caulking but I can do something to make the countertops more sturdy and accessible. I’d like a more organized cooking area and I think I’d be happy to have some legitimate pantry shelves. I mean, it absolutely works exactly the way it is and I seem to somehow be able to produce some really tasty food here. I’m just thinking that perhaps it would be better if it was a little neater, a little tidier and a little more functional.
There was a story from when I lived in my daughter’s grandmother’s house. Every morning, Irina tarantinevna would wake up and make soup for the family. Almost universally it was made from two pieces of chicken, some potatoes and some rice along with a few root vegetables for taste. It was one of her tasks of life to make sure that there was food in the morning for everybody. I had never had soup for breakfast in my life but ever since then, it’s been a staple of my existence.
The story goes that she was cooking on a two burner stove when the state contacted her and told her it was time to change stoves. I don’t think she had to pay for this new one but it was a social obligation and it was going to happen whether she liked it or not. According to the story, she was very unhappy about getting a four burner stove. It was wasteful and she had performed magic on the two burner stove.
This is kind of similar to The relic I was cooking on when I first got here. I still have this stove. I contacted the junk metal company but they never seriously considered coming by to get it. Technically it still functions and if I wanted to use it to heat a space, you can plug in a gas tank to it and it will work just fine. We’ve considered this if we ever put in a greenhouse or something like that. Electric would probably be better and certainly less dangerous but we have it if we need it.
My kitchen upgrade though would not need to be to European standards. I have some silly things that I’ve used to expand my countertops. Even without buying anything, I could rebuild this and make everything a little bit smoother. I would also like more actual cooking area so at the very least, I think it would be a good idea to create at least a shelf in front of the window to lessen the load along the bottom. This window is a blessing and a curse. Theoretically, it makes this veranda here a bit of a greenhouse but it’s not a very good one. There is very little direct sunlight coming through the glass and mostly what it does is make this place cold as hell. This is why I need the caulking.
The problem as always is that it is just fine the way it is. It works. I’ve made myself quite comfortable here and I don’t really need very much else. Even in the winter, it doesn’t take much more than to put something on the floor to keep the cold from seeping through the floorboards and you can sit in here and enjoy tea or a warm meal without any problem whatsoever. In fact, I find it one of the most comforting things I know of in life to sit in the room where all the food is and no I am just a few gestures away from having something nice to eat. Truly something that hits me on a primal level I guarantee you.
So I guess the first thing to do is take apart the existing bench completely. After that, I’ll see exactly how deep the existing holes are and I can measure out something and level it for the oak posts. After that, I can attach a new stringer to the metal rods and back and then just screw or nail the back pieces in. 2 hours work? 2 hours with cleanup.
***
It’s 6:00 and I am out in front of my house sitting on my newly rebuilt bench. It was a little bit more work than I thought. Probably things are always a little more work than you think. But it is dead straight and level. It sits a tiny bit higher than the old one used to and for some reason, my ass hurts more sitting on it than it used to. I think this has something to do with the solidity of the build.
If it took a little longer than I thought it was because I ran into a couple of problems as you do. Measure twice cut once, this sort of thing. But modification and improvisation is the key to all mechanics and building. And now I’m sitting in the rather beautiful light of this wonderful October sunset and I’m feeling pretty good about things.
The work itself progressed pretty well. There were a few issues such as the depth of the holes I was using on the materials I could have for the seating boards. I eventually chose to keep the ones that were here but pulled out the roofing spikes and replace them with galvanized nails. All of the cuts for the oak Post were custom and eventually I just set up a string line at the correct height I needed and worked it out this way. The math was still correct but you can’t beat old school.
I have to clean up the yard and throw some water where I packed in the Earth. Tomorrow, I’ll use some of these rounded fence posts I have and make a simple back rest. It doesn’t have to be special and I think all I need to do is take out the stray nails that are here and just screw everything in. I’ll have to cut everything to size but I think it’ll look okay with a little bit of paint on it.
About the well, this is a different argument. It’s not that the carpentry is any more interesting but there are some definite issues about material. I would much prefer to use a steel post and weld on a hook for the roller. If I sat a steel post in cement, this thing would be here forever.
I have some wooden posts that are probably high enough to do the job. And if I just wanted to put something together for 5 years, maybe that is the way to go. I don’t know yet. I’ll have to give this one a little bit more thought.
But I guess the thing is right now that I feel really good. It’s not just the exercise, mental and physical. It’s not just what it feels like right now sitting on this thing. It’s what it’s like feeling useful. I am also not talking about being societally useful for the fascists. I’m not talking about feeling good about allowing people to use me as a clown. I’m not talking about integrating myself and trying to show myself as a useful begging Jew for the anti-semites of this world I live in. I’m just talking about the ability of my body to do something. I’m just talking about having the strength and the eye and the presence of mind to do a little bit of building.
Don’t get me wrong if I wax poetic here. I didn’t really do anything amazing at all. There were no great bits of artistry here and I demonstrated no flair for joinery. I didn’t borrow from some exotic style. It’s really just a step above neanderthal. But it is straight and it’s hard and it’s on the level and on the square. That’s all I’m saying.
I guess I’ll get up now and clean up. I should eat some dinner but I definitely don’t need anything big. There are no sports to look at unless I decide suddenly that I need basketball. Maybe I’ll just do some reading. That’ll probably be enough.
***
It’s about 8:30 and I guess it’s time to get to the bottom of the page.
I don’t really have anything philosophical to say here. It’s just a strange energy for me right now. All year, I have been wrestling with my body, making compromises to try and make it do something or even to create an illusion for myself that I was doing something. This is no fake. I’ve got rather serious leg problems and where I am right now, though better than where I was a month or so ago, is still not perfect. But something is happening right now with the season or with the world and I’m getting really good energy for the first time in a long time. I could take a guess as to why this is here or where it’s coming from. It’s probably not all that mysterious. But it’s amazing to feel alive again. It has been such a long time since I felt this good.
I got a comment a little earlier. It was more of a troll than a comment. Somebody mentioned something that there was no party and specifically no sex at the end of this story about building a bench in front of my house. I can think of all of the events leading up to this decision and even where all of the materials came from. But at the end of the story, it wasn’t really about that I was feeling better, it was just that I live alone and someone decided to hack me for that. Basically, there was no fuck at the end of my day and someone thought that this was caused to troll me.
First of all, I don’t know why someone else’s sexuality is of any importance. I mean, there is causing harm. There is stealing or being violent with people. But other than this, who the hell cares how people live their lives?
I never said I was setting myself up as a piece of meat to be stared at. I never said I wanted to be an influencer or a guru and have people follow me down a particular path. I never said I was a rabbi or a priest of any kind. I just made some comments about what I felt was human food and that I consider meat a negative to the human body. I don’t think we are supposed to be scavengers picking up dead meat as we go. I don’t think it digests well and I definitely don’t like the effect that it seems to have on us.
However, I don’t think being vegan is a replacement for anyone’s sexuality. I know that it is provable that a vegans ability to have enjoyable sex seems to be more then the aggressive bloodthirsty meat eater. It has to do with a larger amount of testosterone that happens, actually not being restricted by residual saturated fat and the general clarity of our systems. This would be both circulatory and excretory. Basically, we run cleaner and we recover faster. This is scientific truth and I agree with it anecdotally.
But one thing that seems to disappear is that hysterical sexuality. That crazed need. I mean, if we are talking about an adult male, I’m talking about a generally intelligent human being and not a species of wild animal, is it really true that you can’t think through a problem if there is a potential for sex? I mean, I have felt the hand of God. I have been completely turned on in moments. And I have made children. I am aware of the nature of the ACT and what it feels like to be overwhelmed by it. But in my life, I have said no more often than I have said yes and I’ve walked away from things I didn’t want.
There is another side to human sexuality. There is an empathetic side and a caring side. There is a loving side to human beings. We are not only a moment of bloodlust and Hysteria.
All I’m saying is that today was a good day and I feel good to be active again. But at the end of this day, I don’t feel like a loser for living here alone. I like living here alone. I like the pace of my days and I like the sorts of decisions I get to make because I do not have to defer to someone else. I like this very much.
I still like intimacy still. I like making love. I like being with someone I like very much or that I love. I like feeling sexual excitement. I’m not Dead.
But what I am absolutely not is tortured by my sexuality. I don’t feel the least bit bad about who I am or what I am or what I have. I don’t feel inferior or Superior to anybody. I don’t give a damn what other people come home to or who they are sleeping with. I don’t feel the least bit bad about how I live my life or what I have or what I have had or what I will have. I do not allow other people to put competition in something that is simply private for myself. Whatever you do is none of my business and what I do should very much never be your business unless I ask you specifically for your opinion. And believe me, you should not wait for me to ask you your opinion.
So in the news today there were two amazing things. The Russians decided to start killing civilians because they were annoyed. There is no deal making here. There is pure possession. It’s actually more like a mafia move than a move of statesmanship or detente. There is no eloquence in any of this. This is just pure brutality and murder. That is all this war has ever been. Russia just decided to start murdering ukrainians and taking whatever they want. It’s a robbery. It’s an armed robbery. There is no political ideology that matters even slightly. It’s just a bunch of murdering thugs raping and taking what they want.
At the same time, we have this Russian guy walking around San Francisco. He has 1.5 million subscribers so obviously he’s making genuine money. He’s making enough money to actually live in San Francisco where an apartment might cost you as much as four or five thousand dollars a month. That’s just the rent to live somewhere and we are talking easily about more money than a lot of people make in a year here. I guarantee you this is true.
But what does he see as he walks around the street fair? He sees people fucking each other. He sees people without a shred of worry whether other people know about their sexuality or not. It is a demonstration of a lack of shame for something that has been made shameful for a very, very long time. The poisonous recriminations attached to sexuality have been the poison of humankind for as long as this has been practiced. And your Mr Putin, the head of the mafia organization who is murdering ukrainians now cannot seem to help himself from preaching human sexuality that is right or that is wrong. It was right there in the rhetoric of the YouTuber. He comes from a place of violence we’re sexuality is problematic and here he was in a place where people were just fucking each other in the street because somebody made a holiday for it.
No, the thing is that today and over the last few days I seem to have my energy coming back to me. I’ve been sick for a long time. I went to the hospital a year ago hoping I would stop being sick. I was sick all last year and couldn’t even move most of the time and by the end of the year, my foot was just exploding out from under me. My last act of heroism or bravery was just to put a few trees in the ground. That was all I wanted to do.
Well, it’s a year later and several years, many, many years since I felt okay about moving and doing things. It has been forever it seems since I had freedom to just build something. I got by on bicycle riding for a long time. Being someone who could handle a track bike was fun and I definitely enjoyed jetting around town.
But it faded for several reasons. It faded with my health fading. It faded with the humor that used to be in this town. It faded with the amount of poisons that were in the air with all of the people needing to drive their cars and all the brutality that came with the car drivers. It faded when all of the fun of Life faded and there was absolutely nothing nice to look forward to anymore here. I couldn’t wait to get out of town. I couldn’t wait to get away from the noise and the pollution and the hatefulness. I couldn’t wait to be here.
And then there was more hate from The neighbors. There was more of the same Mafia shit. This is all people here do now. But what I’m saying is that today I had my energy back. Today I just did something because I could. I’m just saying that it’s been a long time.
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