Monday, October 3rd 2022
It’s about 6:15 a.m. and I think I had the longest sleep I’ve had in a very long time. I guess I wore it out yesterday. My guess is everybody here wore it out yesterday. It was definitely my most physical day in a long time. I guess I earned my sleep.
I have the opportunity to just let today be a rest day. I have no calls or pressures except for a meeting with my young student today at 4:00. I don’t have to knock myself out doing anything and I can definitely take it easy on my leg.
Weather wise, it’s the exact same type of day it was yesterday. We are in the single digits and it’s going to be cold and rainy all day. I built a fire and threw an extra log in there last night. The bricks are still holding heat which is a good sign. I don’t know if I’ve gotten lazier about it this year or smarter but I’ve started throwing logs into the fire at their full size instead of cutting them in half. Eventually, I’m not sure if it’s more efficient or less efficient but the burn goes a little deeper into the firebox and the room is really warm and comfortable here this morning.
I had a thought about maybe catching the Yankee game yesterday but that lasted about exactly as long as it took me to climb into bed. It turns out I didn’t miss anything. The Yankees got shut down, Judge went oh for three, the Mets got swept by the Braves and though they still have some chance, they are in the first round and have to play a few more games. Both are pretty disappointing.
I have no idea what happened on the front yesterday. Maybe we are in a bit of a trough. The encirclement and recapture of Lymon was pretty huge and it’s still not clear exactly how many men and how much equipment got stuck in there and how many of them managed to get away. There is still a long way to go and the threat of Russia tossing nukes seems to become more real everyday. Locally, the idea of Belarus being called into the fight has everybody a bit suppressed and down. Nobody really wants to go to war.
This concept no longer touches me but technically, this is the coldest 2 weeks of the year. People generally don’t have individual thermostats and the state turns on the radiators usually on about the 15th of the month. With the cold weather, people generally suffer those first two weeks until the heat comes on. The same is true for the last 2 weeks of April. I used to joke that they used the grandma scale to decide when exactly to turn the hot water on. They count the number of grandmothers who die and as long as that number is an acceptable level, they can save a few rubles by leaving everything cold. There are also two weeks every year during the summer when they turn off the hot water in the shower. I used to like it actually. Now I get cold water service everyday.
I guess it’s time to start thinking about what I’m going to do with myself over the next few months. I suppose if I move my office computer in here with me, I can definitely do that work I have been ignoring forever about getting my catalog in order and reorganizing all of the work I’ve done. I’ve also been thinking about putting aside this journal writing in favor of doing some artistic writing. I can’t say that I have any burning inspirations in mind. Of course, I also don’t have any commissions lying around.
When I lived with my daughter’s mother, we had a lot of vodka in the closet, homemade, that her father had put together when he first went to pension. At the time, that material sat in the closet unused for 17 years and it was possibly some of the greatest alcohol I’ve ever tried in my life. The story behind it was that when he was working, he took quite a bit of pleasure in drinking at the end of his work day. He was probably also hitting the bottle during his work day. Ghenna’s alcoholism is not very far or very different from my daughter’s grandfather. But what happened was that the moment he retired and no longer had the necessity of getting up and going to work everyday, the excitement and interest of drinking sort of went away. Whereas before it was a part of his difficult day, now it was just an empty activity.
The vodka he made could be considered craft. It was extremely clean and therefore held up very well over the years. But he never drank it. When he passed away, we cracked a bottle for the many people that came to the house for his wake and the effect was remarkable. It was like a wave of love going through the room. It was a very special moment and an extremely special alcohol.
I’m thinking of that right now for myself. Earlier in life when I was under pressure for one thing or another, getting involved in an art project was a very interesting mental escape. Involving myself in the creation of a project and all of the details and episodes that needed to get fleshed out really added life to my life. I don’t know this for a fact but things seem to be different now. I’m not fighting so hard for an escape from a difficult situation. I don’t have any huge desire to put my mind on other things. Maybe it’s kind of the same.
I do have some ambitions. There are some technical things about this house I would like to improve. There are some things I would like to build that take some knowledge and skill and building. Everything I suppose is possible except for the limitations of movement and money. Doing physical projects is a little different from writing scenarios. You can write the scenario and you can do the architecture and engineering of a project but things are pretty weird right now in the supply chain. I am extremely limited in my mobility. It’s not easy for me to go somewhere and physically see the elements of the project I might need. In some cases, it’s possible to buy things online but you’re never really sure of what you’re getting if you can’t see them and very often the information is very limited. And of course sometimes, you just can’t get anything at all or the quality of things that are available here is simply not comparable to what you want.
I guess the answer is just to take it day by day. There are a lot of complications these days. The Christians and the conservatives and the fascists like it when the world is complex and people are confused. The people who live for power are really uncomfortable when common people themselves are comfortable and happy. When people are comfortable and happy, they tend to want to improve their own lives and when they think about this, they usually notice that the leadership is nothing but dead weight and problems for their lives. This is of course an excellent reason to do away with voting. Keep people crazy and uncomfortable and leadership has stability. It’s crazy how that math works out or why we never figure out a way to do something better for all of us.
Perhaps one interesting writing idea would be to return to utopian literature. I wrote a story I very much enjoyed engaging in last year about the day in the life of a man and a woman who have decided to make a child. In my idea of a utopian society, this is a deal that is a part of the entire community. Keeping the human population small and sustainable has become a part of everybody’s responsibility and consciousness and everybody needs to make their decisions about what is best for themselves. No pressure is put on those who do not wish to bring in children and nobody fights human needs for contact or intimacy. The only issue is whether this contact and intimacy must lead to childbirth or whether it’s just something people do to get by and be happy.
Just this concept alone made me happy. Creating the moments or the scenario for the moment of how people were dealing with this day was a really happy thought for myself. It was the ability to transport my mind to a much, much happier place.
When I look at the type of movies that people are making now, it seems that the vast percentage of things that managed to get financed are about violence. I understand that Cinema or even theater is a very visual medium. Because of this, physicality is right at the front. It’s very difficult to use these mediums to explore or even conceptualize the physicality of peace. It seems that fighting for resources or being a part of a fight for resources that includes lethal violence is about the only thing anybody wants to think about. Nobody really puts their minds on the physicality of peace.
Perhaps this is a theme that I would like to explore. I guess I could consider myself as being useful to produce such kinds of literature. I don’t know that I really need any more money than I have. Sometimes I still dream about what I would do with myself if I had more unlimited funds. I don’t really need to do any traveling but it would be interesting I suppose to physically see some people I haven’t seen in a long time. The problem with all of this is I would need an extraordinary amount of autonomy. It would not be worth anything to have other people need to take care of me.
I also dream sometimes of living in places with more liberal governments. It is extraordinarily tiresome living under a fascist regime. It is the most unfortunate thing of my life to end up here with very limited mobility at a time when the most selfish and stupid generation in the history of History has allowed its egotism and narcissism and self-hatred to agree that they should be the ones responsible for the end of the planet. I see no thoughts anywhere about sustainability or creating a planet at peace. We are too in love with money and the things money can buy. We are too in love with making garbage. We are too in love with our separation from reality. We are too in love with self-decoration. We just don’t care who dies as a result of our greed.
This unfortunately is simply unlimited sadness. There is no glory in war. There is no genuine Joy in scripted flag waving. There is no win in artificial elections. And there really is no victory in pulling into sad little villages that have been smashed by alcoholic terrorists who have no genuine skills except to bring misery to civilians. There is no victory because one side suddenly has first world military creations. There’s nothing wonderful about being used as a sports team for the amusement of others who simply throw their money at the game and watch people die.
Yeah, what to do with myself is always a question. Most of the time, I just sent her on my physical needs. I try to make myself comfortable and deal with my situation as best as I can. Most of the time I’m just fighting a leg that doesn’t want to carry me around. Being off my bicycle is playing hell on my cardiovascular system. The world is simply not helping me very much to stay alive so I have exactly what I have to keep myself going.
And hey, I can always just drink myself to death, right? Alcohol is legal and I can buy as much of it as I want. Logistically speaking, the only problems would be to make sure I have enough buckets lying around to vomit in and enough mobility to carry it away from my house far enough to find a place to put it. I’m not sure that alcohol and stomach bile is the sort of organic material you wish to place on your land. I’m not really sure that this is the kind of thing that makes plants grow. I guess I could ask.
Is alcoholic vomit a good plant fertilizer?
I thought it was a good question but apparently there’s no answer for this one. I’m going to go with no. Alcohol is sugar and stomach bile is very acidic. I’m going to say that you’re not really going to get a lot of good fungus and bacteria from this. Probably better not to go that direction.
I wish the Russians would have had that thought before going into Ukraine. Pretty much all of the garbage, the waste steel and the waste biological garbage meat sacks they sent along with the waste steel is probably no good for agriculture. Pretty much the entire invasion Force has been nothing but a demonstration of their ability to cause ecological destruction. I’m really not convinced this is a skill to be proud of or to base national Honor on. The ability to destroy is not admirable. I wish this thought would be more clear for more people.
Anyway, I’m not really hungry but perhaps some potatoes and tea might be a good way to get started on a cold day like this. I’m probably just going to end up back here again because this is the warmest room in the house and I’m not really planning on doing a lot of moving around today. But I guess we could start with some potatoes and tea. Why not?
***
Sadness and misury, incompitence and the simple murder of civilians. And now they are waiting for Belarus to join them.
***
It’s about 5:00 here towards the end of this non-day. My leg actually didn’t feel so bad. I didn’t try to do any major work on it but it did allow me to walk around and do some things. There was nothing particularly special. Just taking some measurements for something I need to build for the warm room, pick up some firewood and put together a couple of nice meals. I seem to be into tea these days. No complaints. I don’t have anything from a package and everything is either directly from my field or from neighbors or the forest. It’s actually quite lovely once you get used to it. Sorry for being off-brand or even off brands generally. I like it better this way.
There was no class today. My boy called with a horrible illness. I told him I felt bad for him. I also asked if he had done his homework and the answer came back as no. I told him I understood and wished him a speedy recovery.
I took a photo of our conversation with the intent of sending it to his father. But then I didn’t. I have a horrible habit of procrastinating when it comes to going to people for help. I think this is actually a good habit because nine times out of 10 not only is the help unsatisfactory, it also ends up costing me money I wish I hadn’t spent. Don’t turn this entire thing into an Adam is cheap troll. It’s just about whether the money went for something good or was wasted. Mostly, it’s wasted when you buy something emotionally or in a panic.
Perhaps I was rewarded for my non-decision about an hour later. It seems the boy came out of his coma and started doing some homework. I don’t know if he’s calling me or not but he wrote me a note, the first note he has ever written me for help and asked me for the translation of the word towards. I gave it to him simply and then explained that it is the direction that you go but not reaching your destination. For example, he is working towards better English or at least he is supposed to be. I got a thank you. We will know whether this was chronic pubescent apathy or whether it’s yet another life lesson learned. Don’t ask me my opinion. I’m cynical and old. I’ll believe it when I see it.
I did get ambitious enough to make some bread. I decided that this was the thing I was really craving. The bread I made for last Friday was unbelievably tasty and perfect. It was the simplest bread I’ve made in a long time. No extra ingredients at all. Just a mix of whole wheat and white flour and some soda and vinegar as a rising agent. I kneaded it well, made sure it collected as much of the flower on the side of the bowl as possible and then draped a towel over the top to let the bacteria do whatever it wants to do. Whatever room temperature is will have to be enough and no added sugar, thank you very much.
I really hardly had any oil left, just a few drops for the bread pot and a few more drops where I would fry up some onions, cabbage, tomatoes, hot peppers and a few red lentils. Red lentils are my go-to protein when I don’t have anything else in the meal. I’m not really convinced of their overall nutritional value but they do keep things normally and stable. You can’t cook them in the steam of the vegetables so I did add a bit of water at the end. This had the effect of wilting all the vegetables but I didn’t mind. I was just picking them up with the bread anyway.
I don’t mean to break anybody’s idea of what is correct or incorrect in the world but you don’t have to squint too hard to understand that I just made myself some pizza. It’s flatbread with some veggies cooked in olive oil. I don’t eat cheese so taking that into consideration, tell me how this wasn’t a pizza.
Right now, I am ridiculously satisfied and well fed. I have no desire to eat anything else. I am full, not to the point of physical discomfort but to the point that putting anything else into my mouth would be a complete waste of time.
I guess I have some cleanup to do. I wouldn’t say I have a ton of cleanup to do but I do need to put things in order. I seem to have become very fastidious lately. I’m spending more time cleaning and putting things in order. Looking at things that are not in order is starting to bother me. Either I’m growing my own housekeeper or it’s just part of getting ready for winter. Or it has everything to do with my ability to stand up and walk around. Even if I’m not completely free to go walking, I am free enough to take care of some lighthouse work. I didn’t feel it about transferring the boards from my barn to where I’m going to process them. That seemed a little bit much for me to get involved in. I’ll probably give that to Ghenna one day this week if I can get them to show up early enough. The weather report says no rain by Wednesday and clear skies for Thursday. For sure that’s going to be a wash day. Maybe it’s a building day too.
There is a lot of discussion and saber rattling about the potential use of nuclear weapons. I understand that the news is reported from two distinctly different points of view but it’s hard not to see that the ukrainians are making great advances on the Russians. There was some talk about the Kremlin sending the order to stand ground to the death. It’s hard to imagine this sort of thing. It’s hard to imagine this thought over a war that I’m not sure anybody really understands why it’s being fought. I don’t know why Putin believed so much in his cause other than he sees profitability in what he does. But the obviousness of how little concern for life he has, even especially his own people, is simply nefarious. It is nothing but the demonstration of fascism. It is nothing but the demonstration of power.
Has this all been a suicide mission? I completely understand the economics of human misery. Economic slavery, the inability to have agency in life outside of the structure of the state, the inability to change the state or even believe as a dream that your words mean anything except as an opportunity to get thrown in jail is pure destruction of vested interest. There is no genuine ownership in such a system. People cannot say with any security that anything is theirs.
I realize that it is pointless and I knew this when it happened but I always thought it was strange how easily my neighbor believed that I would act insanely and violently within a month or two of buying this property. I am registered here. This is my home, I own it completely except for taxes and I’m here everyday. What sort of person doesn’t understand that you don’t make horrible messes on your own property? What could have possibly gotten into my neighbor’s mind for them to believe that I was a completely violent madman? Was this Russian propaganda? Was this the same propaganda that led people to believe that there are Nazis in Ukraine? Is this the same collective insanity that Russia is trying to exploit to the death?
I guess this really would be the ultimate narcissism. It is the ultimate drug addict’s fantasy. A person who is truly addicted to something like heroin or cocaine will pretty much do anything to find the money to pay for these things. These sorts of narcotics are to the death. Some will just kill you if you take too much. Others take everything you have.
Do you think that’s the genuine problem here? I remember during Trump’s debate with Hillary Clinton that he was sniffing like a mad man on the night of the second encounter. People thought he was weak in the first one, he is generally weak, but in the second one he simply went on a hysterical attack. Literally he stalked the woman all the time sniffing. It’s right there. You can pull up the video. It’s not my imagination.
Trump sniffing during the Clinton debate.
The best Rachel Maddow episode about that was pointing out the Russian money launderers who had an apartment in Trump towers. It was a good guess that this was also his cocaine connection and a good reason he really wanted to run the country from there instead of moving to the White House.
Rachel Maddow on Trump’s connection to Russian money launderers
Like I said, it’s all there to be seen. This is the genuine problem with this entire exercise. I understand that Putin believes that television still is the medium of choice for enough people to make his life make sense. But I don’t know how many people just watch TV anymore except for the pensioners. Young people, and especially people of reasonable drafting age, grew up with the internet. I don’t think anybody below the age of 40 even has the attention to sit and watch TV anymore. Maybe sports but that’s more of an eating holiday.
But is this simply cocaine? Is that the entire problem? Is it that Putin has so much money that he is just doing a Tony Montana these days and literally can put whatever volume of cocaine up his face he wants at any given time. He has enough money and power to stack the hookers up outside his bunker. Is all of this simply cocaine fueled dementia?
Gosh, there is an awful lot of material there to read about that question.
1 ton of cocaine. Let me say that again in case that sentence has any physical reaction for the reader. They took one ton of medical grade cocaine and it just disappeared.
Look, I’m not trying to simplify life. I’m not trying to point out the hypocrisy of hypocrites. I’m not even saying that State of mind influences decisions although obviously State of mind influences decisions. And I would assume that if someone had access to a legitimate portion of one ton of cocaine that this might trigger some interesting decision making. Ill prepared as his people might be, unwilling to worry about the results of one’s actions and pure belief in one’s own mastery pretty much sounds like someone who is out of his googly goo on cocaine.
I saw a movie recently called El Camino. This was an extension of the TV show Breaking Bad. The protagonist needs just a little bit of money to escape into a new life and be a free man. He decides to go visit a bandit who stole most of his money from him in some strange 33/66 split. Our man really only wanted $2,000 but the guy he went to see was busy spending all his money on hookers and cocaine. Literally, our man had to wait outside for more than an hour until the hookers finally got sick of these guys and there was nothing left to do but pull lines off mirrors. The film made it exactly clear that these guys were Rich enough to do some serious cocaine.
Instead of flipping the guy 2000 and sending him down the road, well, here’s the scene.
I’m just asking a logical question. Because from everything that I see and read concerning this bloody stupid atrocity that Russia is committing right now, I do not see this as a legitimate military operation. I see this as a military fantasy camp. I see this as someone who is not working on all cylinders and is making emotional and erratic decisions leading to the ruination of his own people. And if we start talking about a willingness to start using nukes for this bullshit outrage, we are talking about someone perfectly willing to go all the way to hell just to suit his own egotism. And take everyone and everything along with him for the ride.
I don’t know really what else I can say about this except I wish they would just stop and go home. Really, they could just stop and go home. I don’t really think the Americans or the Europeans really want to overthrow Russia. Maybe they do. Maybe Putin’s paranoia is correct. Maybe I am just dwelling in my innocence all the way to the very end. But it occurs to me that if you are somehow responsible for 170 or 180 million people, perhaps killing them off is not really the answer to the question. Maybe it’s a matter of facilitating infrastructure and improving quality of life. Maybe it’s about making your country into such a place that people actually want to come there for more than just the curiosity and the thrill of hanging around with bandits and alcoholics. Maybe if you actually had the power and the influence to control eight time zones of land, maybe you could use all of that magnificent brain power to make it the most beautiful place in the world to live instead of the shit show that it actually is.
I’ve been making the same complaint about Belarus for years. It’s not that I was so innocent that I didn’t know that it was Putin all along pulling the strings here. I just complained locally because I’m under the man’s jurisdiction. I never actually believed he would listen to me. They have not listened to a word I said since Putin went to Ukraine in 2014. Nobody has done anything but deal with me on a visual level with objectifying subtitles since that time. My quality of life has gone down the tubes for the most part. It hasn’t all been hell. I’ve had some nice moments but basically, this place went to hell the moment the Russians arrived and never stopped since then.
Perhaps we get lucky. Perhaps this is not the last year experienced by mankind. Perhaps we don’t all degrade to anarchy and killing mobs and mad Max. Perhaps we don’t go up in giant fireballs of lunacy.
I mean, couldn’t we just grow some human food? Couldn’t we just leave the animals alone and stop eating things that make us insane and violent and start eating things that make us healthy and calm? Couldn’t we just grow food? Seriously, wouldn’t it be enough if we, collectively, stopped chasing drugs and money and thrills and just grew some food?
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
Anyway, tomorrow is going to be a lot like today. The forecast calls for a rainy day again and I’m sure that this pretty much means that none of the locals are going to come over to put the touch on me. Belarusians really don’t like working in the rain.
I’m not really worried about anything. Another day of taking it easy on my leg will probably make things better. Probably. And besides, I’ve got bread ready to go. Well, it’s not really bread. It’s just a dough ball waiting to get pinched off and rolled out into a flatbread. This is pretty much all I ever make for myself. I like it better than baking a whole loaf which is just going to go stale within a day. A couple of flatbreads is enough to do me just wonderfully especially if I’ve got some tea to go along with it. Maybe I’ll make a pot of soup tomorrow. That sounds about perfect for a rainy October day.
***
Okay, just a little more to get to the bottom of the page.
I wonder really if there is a way out of this. It seems that the world is made up of people determined to destroy everything and some number, I don’t know if it’s larger or smaller, who just want to live peaceful lives with a little happiness in it.
Tonight I couldn’t help but make one more piece of bread. It wasn’t much. I didn’t go to a big to do about it. I just pinched off one more piece and rolled it out on my cutting board and threw it into what I guess I could call my bread skillet. I have a few iron skillets and this particular one I mainly use for bread. I also made some more tea because I can’t seem to get enough of it suddenly. I cut up a tomato and folded the bread around it and just tripped the last few drops of olive oil and that was my extra. It was enough. It was enough that I didn’t need anymore.
Earlier this year in the springtime, for about a minute I thought perhaps I could solve my problems by drinking vodka. I hadn’t had a drink in a long time, I hadn’t gotten intentionally drunk in a long time but this time I did. The drunk lasted three days before I vomited all over my room. It took days to clean up the mess. That was enough.
There came a moment with my ex-girlfriend and even my daughter’s mother when I realized it was enough. I didn’t need it anymore. I just didn’t want to be with them anymore. I didn’t feel any compulsion to cause them harm. I just no longer wanted to be harmed by them. I simply removed myself from their company and removed them from mine. It is the easiest thing to do. It’s simply a matter of deciding you’ve had enough.
There is a thing I believe that happens to you when you eat meat. I don’t really believe we as a species are meant to eat it. Our systems are really built for the sort of digestion that plant matter gives you. Our hands and our legs and our eyes are genuinely suited to be vegetarian. But for some reason we demand to feed everyone dead animal flesh. For some reason we teach everyone that there is no other food that satisfies. But it never really satisfies. You just want more. You just want more and more and more.
To me, this is not food. To me, this is addiction. To constantly consume something again and again without ever feeling satisfied is an addiction. Usually people use these addictions for money and power. There are a lot of people who make money off of meat addiction. It’s like alcoholism but different. It’s a sense of power. It’s a bloodlust. It is the desire to cause harm and to consume everything.
There are quite a few reasons why I don’t eat meat. Most of them started from health but now I find that it just suits my propensity for honesty. I do not wish to kill people. I do not wish people to try and kill me. I don’t want to live in a world where people harm each other. I don’t wish to have bloodlust. I just really wish people understood this. I really wish that people might think a bit about a world without all of this unnecessary violence.
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