Wednesday, September 14th 2022

It’s almost 8:00 and I am getting a late start. I was up really early and picked up some links concerning the war. I will get them up in a minute. As of the moment, I seem to be even late. I personally don’t have too many obligations today. Today is garbage day I guess and Ghenna will be coming by sometime this morning for some material deliveries so I have to open up the back gate. Other than that, I am not going to be working very hard today. The ambition has come and gone. It was nice when it was here, I got a lot done but now I think I need to go back to taking it easy on the leg. I hate saying things like that but I guess this is just the way it is.

I am horrible about pushing too hard. I’ve always been this way. These days when I actually feel good which means I feel comfortable standing up and walking a bit, I just keep going. I deeply crave some sense of normalcy. I just wish to be healthy. But then you go for a while, you make a few bad steps and suddenly you remember that this is not the case.

I know I sound like I’m bitching and for the most part, when I look at where the real damage was, I am getting better. It’s just very painful. Sometimes the pain goes away and it gets better. I don’t know what to do about this other than perhaps to check in for another surgery. I don’t want to do this but I’m starting to think it’s an absolute necessity. But for the moment, I’m back on the crutches. It’s going to be crutches today and that’s all.

Yesterday was a beautiful day though. From the moment I made that decision to go ahead and finish up that first box, every part of the day was like a beautification process. It just kept getting better. I’m not talking about becoming flashy or creating Instagram worthy pictures. I did take some photos but these are not things I share with the public. It’s just that it looks neat and orderly. It looks like the job got done. Big praise to  Ghenna for all of his efforts to help out. I only hope I was there about it on my side.

Other than this, I don’t really know what to say about anything. There isn’t very much to say that I haven’t said already. This is just where I chose to be and what I chose to do. There always seems to be More than A touch of misery attached to every positive thing. I have enough shit neighbors to remind me of that every time I look around. And of course we have the news, I’m not talking about state-sponsored propaganda news for either side, I’m talking about people genuinely giving the state of the situation from the war. If there wasn’t so much killing, pain and misery from all of this, it would seem to be something even to be happy about. All of this, billions and billions of dollars just to deal with a nation who can’t help themselves from making the world miserable with their presence.

One irony that I learned from the news last night was that there were two countries not invited to the funeral of Queen Elizabeth. That was Russia and of course my own vacation home. Good job boys. The reports said that the leaders of these two countries even said nasty words.

I would like to be fair about this. I have nothing personally against the monarch or the monarchy except that American independence came from fighting the British. The concept of taxation without representation meaning slavery came from this very fight. There was another revolution in Europe about the same time in which the people also declared that they were tired of the monarchy. After this, if you asked anyone from India, China or South Africa what they thought of British colonialism, you would not have had too many likes and thumbs up. When you run your eyes over a map of the globe and see the pure extent of the misery caused by the British, you might wonder where all this love is coming from generally. And I don’t even want to get started on British petroleum and the damage they do politically across the globe by keeping the conservatives well financed and the brutality ongoing.

I understand Mr Zelinsky. I understand his point of view. But it does seem to be trading one devil for another, one colonialist for another. I know that the previous prime minister of Great Britain stuck out a big fat hand with a big fat envelope in it and lots of guns and bombs to fight back with. But really, it is exactly going to a rival gang to help fight your wars against the gang that’s harassing you. It doesn’t stop the gang violence or the colonization, exploitation or propagandist noise. It doesn’t stop the conservatism and it doesn’t stop the pressure to make money for the oil business.

I’m just saying that in the gigantic snowblower of information, both spun and real, there is a heart of darkness in this story. There was no innocent virgin to be saved in Ukraine. We can’t forget about the money laundering or the payoffs from the oil business in Ukraine before any of this started. We can’t really say that we have preserved some place of Innocence or hope in the world. 

I am not saying anything against the tenacity or accuracy of the Ukrainian military. They are indeed fighting with heart and victories of the last week or so are genuine and real. I’m even going to put the word hero on all of the infrastructure workers who managed to get the lights back on despite the bombings and rocket attacks of the desperate retreating Russians. I have absolutely no love for the Russian empire who tend to do the same things that the British have always done and the Americans have always done except with genuine impunity and simple brutality. They are unapologetic. They are entitled to cause harm.

Which unfortunately would also be my reputation de facto and by default when the world stopped looking at me as a single human being who has come to help out as he could to a simple objectification and a representation of whatever information based propaganda was fed to people. Me? I don’t remember ever being a criminal. I don’t ever remember stealing money as a way to survive. I don’t ever remember strong arming anybody for anything and I don’t remember picking fights or bothering other people anytime in my life. I remember just trying to find a way to get by just like everyone else. I don’t remember making it my job to play with people. I just worked and kept working and then did some more work in order to get my paychecks. If there is anything special about me, it’s not my power or strength or ability to manipulate things, it’s just a little tenacity and stubbornness.

Speaking of tenacity, I’m going to get moving now and open up the gate. This is the job given to me. We have deliveries today and things to pay attention to. I’m going to be doing that on crutches thank you very much. But I guess I’m going to do my job. When this is done, I’ll post up all of the links I found last night and put a little commentary on them and then we’ll see what today has to offer.

***

Truly, you must give credit where credit is due and both the infrastructure workers and the military people of Ukraine deserve the highest praise for their work to both keep electricity flowing in the region despite rocket attacks by the Russians fleeing. 

I understand that war is not a reasonable act. I understand war and violence is not something that is practiced by reasonable Nations. Reasonable Nations as with reasonable people can find mutual solutions to all problems. War is simply misery.

On this level, it is difficult for me to give praise to murderers even those who are pressed into service to fight a righteous fight. It is an underdog fight and the ukrainians are fighting with tenacity and stubbornness. Still, what would it be like in a reasonable world? What would we see from the Ukrainian people if the world simply got along together and we all helped each other survive? What would this entire situation look like if we just took the bloody oil money out of it?

However, even Rachel Maddow was inspired by Mr Zelinsky’s speech the other day. I could say that I completely understand why this speech was as mesmerizing as it was because of its repetition and meter. But I think the genuine deal here is that a Jewish man made a Jewish speech and like myself, Maddow is a member of the tribe. We all recognize these words of a stiff necked man of a stiff necked people being a stiff necked leader for another stiff-necked group of people. Like I said, this is a matter of tenacity, stubbornness and refusal to back down. I am sure we all have said similar things in our lives and I absolutely promise that I have many times. In fact, considering what I’m doing now to prepare my fields for next year and how my neighbors conspired against me to force me into… I don’t really know what they were forcing me into but they were attempting to force me… I completely understand what without you means. Brilliant speech by a brilliant leader. And I tell you, they are going to remember this one for a long, long time.

One of my favorite cynicism bloggers is Adam Something and he is good at what he does and is not afraid of going into the details. This particular video delves deeply into the reasons for this last week’s military success for the ukrainians. In my opinion, this is probably the most accurate description of why the counter offensive was as successful as it was. You have to recognize talent. That’s the real trick of it. Remember I said that.

Denys Davydov seems to be the best map reader amongst the bloggers covering the Ukrainian War in english. This is to say he is one of the best map readers covering the war. I’ve been following his daily updates and I think he gives a very clear understanding of what is happening and what is probably going to be happening in the very near future. And yes, it is a bright looking future that’s going to make a lot of people very happy.

My final link here is a news story about what it’s like having to deal with Russian propaganda. I have a lot of things that I could say about this. I am completely familiar with what it’s like and what happens to people when they are forced to adhere to certain ideologies and certain ways of looking at things despite the illogic. If it means anything, there are three types of people.

There are the recipients of the information, in this case it would be students and such. For the most part, they do the physical and bureaucratic obligation to acknowledge the information and will be regurgitated back on demand as is required of them. But generally speaking, they know bullshit when they see it. They don’t do anything about it because they don’t make activists generally. But again, they know exactly what it is and simply let it flow through them because they have no other choice.

After this, there are the bureaucrats whose jobs depend on disseminating this information and fulfilling their tasks to make sure that the information is given. My particular opinion on the subject is that they hold no personal opinion whatsoever. As their jobs and their lives depend on simply doing the work necessary to remain in whatever sense of power they have, they simply do their job. These are the real Nazis.

Then there are the brainless losers and misguided underclasses who buy into this stuff simply for the sense of entitlement it seems to allow them. These are the people who would be moved by this bullshit and come to accept it as an ideology. We are talking about a complete lack of critical thinking and a completely emotional relationship to the world. If it feels good and it seems that they rise in the world even though they do not even 1 mm, they will buy in, pick up a gun and start murdering. You know, you get what you pay for.

I’m not saying that this is all that is to be said about the situation right now but here’s a nice cross-section of stuff I picked up that seemed interesting. I listened to a lot of news and a lot of commentary. These at least were the most interesting. 

***

It’s raining again. It’s a cold drizzly rain that is making everything wet and soggy. As for the remaining carrots, beets and cabbages that still remain, it serves no other purpose than to keep them fresh. I don’t have to do anything for them except head out every day to collect something that goes into the meal making. This morning I grabbed one of the last kohlrabi. Maybe it is the last one. There’s not that much cabbage left but what we have is pretty tasty.

There is work to do right now. Actually there’s a lot of work to do. The boxes in the mid gardens are definitely going to get an upgrade ahead of next year and the quality of the fertility is going to go up a thousand percent. As for the choice of planting, I’m still not exactly sure what to look forward to. I haven’t made up my mind about my planting plan. It’s not like I have to though. We are talking about 6 months from now as far as actually doing anything about it. But the boxes themselves need to get a little cultivation, get those weeds out of there and the residual plant matter put into the compost and to spread out some manure ahead of whatever topsoil is going to be dressed. And of course the straw mulch. The magic of this no-till gardening is the mulch.

The year is ending where the whimper more than a bang. There is a lot of irony in this week-long rain deluge. It’s nice that it’s here and the slow growing late season cabbages appreciate getting some help. But none of this came when it was really needed. When we needed some rain, we didn’t get any. Sitting there and desperately watching The weather services knowing fully that I was only going to be disappointed was infuriating.

My California conservative friend got angry at me for sending him those links about Northern California global warming effects. He also tried to do one of those “read my lips” speeches where he backtracked and said that I should reread his message in that he did in fact acknowledge it. I didn’t have to reread his comment. He said that all of this was normal for the region. It was the word normal that set me off and me actually feeding a conservative with facts is enough to set him off. I really shouldn’t bother him. This is the message he wanted me to understand. I guess it’s a threat but whatever.

There is no other way to understand all of this. The evidence is too thick and too findable. The science of it makes sense, the practical observation of the facts makes sense and if you have any sense of responsibility to the world you really have to feel the pain of all of this. If all you understand is your responsibility to yourself or even to your family, perhaps you really do close your mind off to any other possibilities. There are those who are simply trapped by the system that caused this ecological grief and they got there by listening to the propaganda. They got there by believing that the system would be there and that they would be taken care of. This is true for the Americans, this is true for the Europeans and though nobody in their right mind believes it, this is also the thought of the Russians when they turn their attention to the weak minded.

It is a giant animal farm. We are being farmed. We are either being farmed for our taxes or we are being formed for whatever extra money we make. We are being farmed by being told to be good consumers. We are being farmed by being told that money is the only answer to the miseries of your life. We are being farmed by accepting the miseries given to us by the so-called lawmakers. We are trapped in our pens by these lawmakers who tell us what we can and cannot think, what we can and cannot say and what we should and should not see. This is the cause of the misery of the world. They do this for the money and the power.

This is what will not come out of my head and what I cannot unsee. I’ve talked about this as well. It is the problem with writing. Once you start listening to yourself speak, you can’t help but come to some kind of deeper understanding of the way things are. Unfortunately, this is also probably exactly the cause of suicide amongst writers. Like Jack London said, and in the end all he wanted was to know no more.

Outside of all of this misery, I have been thinking a lot about next year and about writing. I don’t actually know if I’m going to continue but my best thought, the thought that brings me the most hope, would be to go back to writing fiction. To be specific, I thought I might like to go back to writing for theater or film. 

All writing is a format for one’s ideas. Of course, so much of writing is coerced or influenced either by the necessity of getting paid for the writers or by straight up influence peddling by those who wish to see particular words written. This is anything from political ideologies to religious ideologies to product placements. I am quite sure that the mathematical count says that there is more corrupt writing than honest writing. In fact, if there were to be a genuine count, the corrupt side outweighing the idealistic side probably 10 t0 1 if not 100 or even a thousand to one.

Nevertheless, this is the thought that has most inspired me. This is the thought that seemed to me to have a little bit of fun in it. I’m not really sure whether all I’m going to do is fiction and I’m not going to do any personal journal writing. I don’t know if I can completely give up on what I’m doing. I don’t really know what it’s going to be. But then again, I’ve never really known what any of these were going to be until I got into them and found out what they were by the end. I didn’t know that this year’s writing about food was going to end up like this. Maybe I was a little cynical and kind of figured it would end up like this but I didn’t know it. I didn’t demand this result. It just happened.

Anyway, I am not really hungry at all right now but as I do not think I want to go out in the rain to start scratching at my boxes, I think I might make some soup or something tasty with this giant potato that I got yesterday. It really is something. I did not produce one potato of this size and this giant beautiful golden balm is about the average of what came over yesterday. Believe me, I am grateful. I am more than grateful and I can only hope that the relationship continues that allows me this. I only hope that whatever I have done to create the possibility of these relationships continues on. It really is a great potato.

***

2:00 p.m. and as quickly as it all started, it has now come to an end.

First the rain ended and the sun came out and they got warm for a minute. I decided I needed to go outside but almost as soon as I did, the sound of Ghenna and his horse appeared. It was a load of fertilizer.

The question immediately was where to put this. I don’t know why we had to re-discuss all of this but apparently we did. He had a story about what happened to him after he left about being called back to work. It is possible that this happened. It’s also possible that he started drinking the money. I don’t really care which. That he didn’t show up when it was raining was not so unusual for modern Belarus. When the weather goes bad, people can’t be bothered to do anything.

The discussion went on the logistics of where he could drive the horse cart. I had left a path when I built all of the garden beds and I was pretty sure he could use it. It eventually worked out fine and after tossing the residue of the sunflower Garden to the side, we decided to use that as a staging area for the entire lower and mid gardens. You can’t argue with any of that.

I guess I was feeling a little feisty because as soon as he got to work dragging fertilizer off of the cart, I grabbed my two-pronged cultivator and started cleaning up the first two beds in the mid gardens. I’d like to tell you something about how wonderful I felt working. It didn’t. My leg held up okay but it wasn’t enjoyable and frankly, I have not been getting so much cardio lately. It was work running the cultivator. I didn’t die and I finished two gardens but I didn’t feel strong doing it.

Then Lena showed up looking calm and easy. She wanted to know if we were still in business tomorrow. The deal comes down that she took some of my money without doing anything for it so the floor cleaning will be gratis to make everybody all even. I actually have some more washing to do but I’ve sort of lost interest in waiting a week to get my clothes back. This stuff used to be same-day back in sobriety days. She says that Vanya is fine and her mother is gone back to the hospital. She denies anything about not taking care of her. Lots of words flying around.

Everybody knew each other so there was a lot of conversation going on. I don’t really want to talk too much about the nuance here or about jealousies. I’m really not very interested in knowing this. It isn’t beautiful in my eyes and truthfully it really doesn’t matter.

I looked up the Russian rank of captain of the guard. The way it works is that you might have a colonel taking orders from a general but when they get down to the specific base, the orders would start with Ghenna. This explains the respect from the police. I asked him what the point of getting taken in the first place was and he agreed it had something to do with being drunk. I didn’t push that thought very much. It was just a confirmation of what I already knew. But it occurs to me that to him, I am the polkovnik. I am the post Commander and from whatever has trespassed between us, this seems to be his relationship to me. And if the Russian army is anything like the Soviet army, well, you get the idea how this stuff works.

In the end though, it ended up costing me more money. There is a lot of physical labor going on and I’m waiting on even two more carts of fertilizer. The straw should be coming in in the evening if not tomorrow. No worries either way. But there is a good possibility that the fertilizer is going to get spread over all of the gardens where it might be spread by the end of the week. Whether we get topsoil or not, we might be free just to lay the straw over the fertilizer and by springtime, we’ll be able to plant anyway.

I tell you what, I really need to eat something. This last exchange kind of drained me of all my energy. I wasn’t hungry at all this morning when I woke up and all I’ve eaten is some fruit. I haven’t really been hungry lately but right now, I’m feeling pretty starved. It’s a weird time to eat but I don’t feel free enough to make myself a serious meal. You never know when people are going to come back. The schedule is pretty weird and the trick is to make use of everybody while they are here.

By the way, this week without money is perhaps turning out okay. It has a psychological effect on people when you tell them that there is no money in your pocket. If people are planning on meeting you and walking away richer than when they started, it’s a bit of a shock to watch them recalibrate the situation in their minds and agree to walk away with less. They keep up their social crisis and nobody outright cracks or walks away. Nobody wants to burn an American bridge I guess. But still, I think not carrying paper money is probably a good thing. It keeps these minor services to a minimum.

I think the fastest thing I can cook is some buckwheat, red lentils and whatever additives I can throw in there to make it taste good. This is a 10-minute cook, it’s absolutely filling and it might even make it as my only meal of the day. I won’t start crying if this turns out to be the case but I really do need to eat something. This is ridiculous.

***

It’s a quarter to 9:00 and it’s button-up time.

Before everyone hit the road, several people made sure that they got some money from me for one reason or another. I’m not pretending there is anything here other than whatever money people think I have. I’m not pretending that anything else exists except for my capacity to pay out a little day labor and to afford some fruit trees. I’m not pretending there’s any emotion anywhere for real.

I understand that importing materials costs something. I understand I’m making compromises all over the place trying to bring some fertility to this God forsaken place I have. The land here is sand and there’s almost nothing in it for anything to grow in. I am aware of this. Perhaps I could have been more aware of this when I came here but I am definitely aware of it now. I understand that laying down some fertilizer will get in there and start some life. I make sure there’s enough water in there throughout the year and we keep everything covered and we will have some success. I am aware of all of this.

But this money hemorrhage has got to stop. It’s not only not satisfying, it is irritating and draining and does not leave any good feeling. Nothing that has to do with exchanging money ever feels good. There’s no discount that matters and no handshake agreement. The moment you start playing with money nothing good could ever happen.

Towards the end of the day I started feeling it and walked out on the field and picked up my cultivator and started cleaning up another Garden. It was not pleasant work. It was as painful as painful can be. Not particularly painful enough to stop me from being there, it was a very tolerable pain, but it was something I had to endure simply to try and pull up some of the grass growing in the box ahead of dressing it for next year. It was during this that my phone rang and Ghenna, too mush-mouthed to enunciate words, started bullshiting me about arriving later in the evening. I didn’t care and I didn’t expect less. He asked me for more money before leaving today and I gave it to him. I gave it to him even though it’s already becoming irritating. The lack of concentration is irritating. The change of plans is irritating. The lack of discipline and all of the obsequiousness gets irritating. Too many people touching me is irritating. Leaving my gate open all day is irritating.

Part of the story he told me was that he would have the horse all day today. The plan called for straw being delivered and all of the fertilizer. In all, he only made one trip, failed to take the charcoal with him, failed to take a pile of garbage with him and failed to return with any of the materials that were part of the deal I was paying him for. All of the great work he seems to want to do for me is still sitting in piles. He is changing his plans rather than digging holes and bringing fencing for the wine grapes. We are starting to get more stories than work.

I can’t blame the old man for not wanting to break his back. I understand that the other day was a big ambition day and that we covered a lot of ground. But I’m also aware of how long it takes a human body to recover. I understand how long it takes to recover at a young age and I understand what it’s like to recover as an old man. I also know the difference between alcohol and pig fat as a diet and what I do. I understand when all of the Moxie goes away and all that’s left is a bunch of drama and a shitty attitude. And let’s not forget the fucking cigarettes.

I fully believe that this project is going to get done. I fully believe my ex partner will make her way up here on Sunday and that I can use her healthy body to put a huge dent in the work that still needs to be done. None of this is complicated. The gardens that are finished need to be cleaned. The residual stems and leaves and garbage that had been there all year needs to get transferred to the compost pile. We need to spread a layer of fertilizer and then, if we have it, spread a layer of topsoil on top of that. The final thing is the top everything was straw. That will be the trick that puts this Garden to bed for the winter.

Aside from this, it is the time of the year to put perennials in the ground. This is the time of year to plant trees and bushes. This is the time of year to give a home to some strawberry slips. This is the time to make all of the long-term additions.

There will come a moment in the not too distant future when we are going to be done with the field. Among the things that will also need to happen is moving the water barrels into the barn and making sure I have a new lock on the woodshed. I’m not really worried about theft but I think it’s a good idea to close that thing up. I mean, there will be a time where the only thing I need to do is play with firewood. Play with firewood and maybe walk around if I can. Sure, I’ll have something to do on the computer I guess but I will have no more responsibility for my field.

When that time comes, I’m not going to be sad. I can’t see doing this as an everyday subject but I am very much interested in making sure that I have a better year with my boxes next year. I genuinely hope my body is better than it is now by then. I hope the money grabbers and Minsk help me out finally and allow me some sense of mobility. I’m genuinely hoping that next year is a very Good Year and one I can take some pleasure in. I am genuinely tired of compromising. I am genuinely tired of these restrictions.

So there will be some people around here tomorrow. In the morning, I have to pick everything up ahead of Lena’s visit. She’s not going to bring any happiness with her. She has already murdered everything by jumping off the water wagon and mixing that with the fact that she knows there will be no money coming into her hand for her visit is going to make it a very tedious and tiresome bit of work. The honeymoon is over. As it should be.

Tomorrow for me is going to be a water day. I don’t need to water my plants but I am going to do some wash and I have to refill my kitchen buckets. I’m also probably going to spend some time cleaning up if I have the ambition with me. Everything needs a good cleaning right now and unfortunately, there is no one to help with this job.

Ghenna will show up to do something tomorrow. I’m sure he will put in a couple of hours of good effort. He’s also leaving without a penny going to his hand unfortunately. I’ve laid out all of the money there is going to be for these projects for quite some time. It’s up to him to catch up. I’m not here to dish out punishments. I’m just saying that we are going to nip this money thing in the bud. There are no more loans. The money light is off.

Then towards the end of the day, I have an English lesson. I’m sure that’ll be nice. It’s a boy who needs to get better at English and so I will sit with him and give him gentle tips towards cleaner understanding of the language. It’s going to take time for his brain to adjust and for progress to start. Nothing comes easy and roam, as they say, was not built in a day. Neither is a food Forest. Nothing that lasts is ever built easily. It takes time.