Thursday, June 2nd 2022

Much, much weird stuff.

Today is Thursday and I am going to town today. I’ll make the usual ride and my best hope is that the rain this week will have the service road in reasonable shape. I have a lot to do in town but my intention is to do everything calmly and smoothly. I don’t want any excitement. I have enough excitement if you can believe it.

The problem with this trip to town is that I can’t quite understand really why it’s necessary. Almost every element can be handled in another way and a lot of it, I’m just not really sure I even need. I mean, yes, I don’t have much of a choice for a lot of it. It’s just something that I need to do.

Perhaps this is just the laziness of having a week of rain. There hasn’t really been any watering to do and there’s not really much to do in the garden except light weeding. I could do more. If I was truly ambitious or energetic, I could do more. In fact, I probably should do more. Except even there, even when considering my own personal work or ambitions, I still can’t for the life of me figure out why I need to do it.

Maybe I should look at this whole thing like a doctor. Maybe I should look at this all as being better safe than sorry. I mean, they say that you should always be prepared for a rainy day. Just because I feel a little fat right now, this is no reason not to pay attention to business.

Actually, maybe I just am a little fat right now. Maybe I’ve been eating big meals lately but I have not been doing a ton of physical labor. Maybe all the muscle I built up from this spring’s construction is not needed and is turning to fat on me. Bad combination of eating big starchy meals but not doing a lot of exercise.

I started doing my meditations again. Last year, it was like religion to show up in the warm room for an hour at 4:00. These days it’s all different. I get to it when I get to it and if I spend even more time in the office for some reason, I only think about the workout when I finally get here.

But let’s look at this another way. I like being lazy. I like letting all of these elements out of my head and not worrying about them.

I have an argument with my friend in the Jewish community. The last time we had a serious conversation about religion I told him that I was much happier with a simplified view of life. Specifically, we were talking about the laws of kosher and the 613 commandments that the Orthodox community believes the Torah tells them they should do. 10 is a good number for me and I like to mix in the pragmatic God is nature and nature is God thought.

We butt heads on this but basically it’s his job to butt heads on this.

His argument is that some people prefer the extended complications. I usually try to find some practical application for where the religion pushes you. And in this case, I could probably see where extending your mind to the minutiae of the religion probably opens up a big portal in your brain for keeping things. If we are talking about business of course, it means that you can keep a lot of ores in the water at the same time. My friend has a lot of ores in the water and he likes living this way.

I agree, a little excitement goes a long way. I have had a very busy desk at times in my life. When I was running my teaching back in the pre-Russia days, I had a constant flow of people and was pretty much busy all day. It wasn’t all money deals and flipping, it was work and serious conversations for hours at a time. But I handled a 65 hour work week. It didn’t do much for my back nor my health but I did it.

I also agree that it’s better to have some things to do. It’s good to have a job or to be working. There is a lot of relevance to doing something that earns some money. I temper this by saying that I need to believe in what I’m doing. I don’t take jobs just to take jobs and I don’t remember the last time I did something I hated just for the money. I don’t do things I hate just for the money.

Now though I have an argument for really not having a full life. It’s kind of nice letting your head rest. I agree, I get a little nervous that perhaps my brain will atrophy and I will not be able to get back my mental acuity. Perhaps this happens to everybody eventually.

Or maybe I’m working on my mental acuity right now. I agree, it would be nice to be working on different writing projects. I have several ideas for art projects and maybe this blog writing is sucking up my energy that I could be better using to create a new scenario or two. In fact, there is a great chance that this blog writing is becoming completely redundant. I find myself noticing that I’m repeating myself again and again and again. Truly, don’t ask me about next year. Don’t even ask me if I’m not going to cash in my chips early this year. Last year I left early on a medical. But also last year I lost interest in fighting for my website because of a complete lack of interest. I’m glad I did it but the wait of how little it bannered in the world or seemed to matter got too daunting to bother with. There were just better things to do with my time.

Obviously the answer to this question comes in whether or not you feel that the work you do is purposeful. I agree it’s good to work, it’s good to have things to do and it’s good to keep busy. On the other hand, constant make-work leads to feelings of redundancy. If you rely only on ceremony and have no particular genuine substance to your actions, the pointlessness becomes too heavy to walk around with. The lie becomes too great to justify.

This is kind of the line of thought that killed Jack London really. He wanted life and at least for him, a man with a very, very active youthful time, heading into the age of maturity and understanding that the visceral feel of life was fading away from him, he just didn’t really want to do it anymore. Once the juice was gone, he just didn’t want to eat the fruit.

I realize this is a very depressing thought but at the same time, I might not be talking about just these particular days I’m living but perhaps it’s a recognition of the time of life that I’m in. Sure, I understand that human beings live longer these days and my actual chronological age might still be seen as vital by quite a few people. Maybe though I do not feel as vital. I have maybe a few too many disadvantages these days and it’s really difficult to catch even the zest, much less the juice.

I could say that I’m not angry anymore but I don’t think that would be the truth of this. It’s not just that I’m not angry anymore, it’s that I’m tired of people pushing at me for an angry response. Perhaps I’m just tired of people bothering me in general. I mean, people used to be much, much different. People in general used to be practical and alive and had a sense of vested interest in their lives. Things were important and you could understand why people did what they did. Now, most of the practicality of life has gone away and has been replaced by this endless morose egotism and self-pleasuring. Now everybody has brain damage from all of this electronic entertainment. Everybody has brain damage from the thought of easy money. Everybody’s a hustler. Everybody’s waiting for something to fall off the truck.

Of course the war doesn’t help. The war doesn’t help anybody. Being connected to the Russians doesn’t help anybody. My family is from here and my father’s father was born here and my relative is also from here and he is of the same class of annoyance. Parasitic annoyance without invitation that won’t go away. Like a skin rash that won’t clear up. Like a bowel problem that never seems to go away. Like a disease that just sucks your energy dry and there is never a fucking cure to just make it go away.

Yeah, it’s not a matter of Outlook, it’s a matter of understanding your situation and evaluating each of the nuances for their worth. I like not thinking about things too much these days. You can’t actually live there or at least I don’t believe you can. And if you did, you’d probably just go insane or lose your ability to think all together. You have to practice. You have to keep your body in shape and you have to keep your mind in shape. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.

That by the way is probably what eventually killed my dad. The covid closed down his ability to get his workouts and my relative told him to relax and let him take care of all of the work. The guy was a thief of course but my dad was too old and people to care. He does this same shit to me and I just wish you would catch cancer again and die. 

It’s like living with the mafia, the Republican party and the Russians all at the same time. And I don’t have the slightest legal recourse or ability to make any of these fucking parasites get out of my life.

Right. Was this depressing enough? Yeah, this was depressing.

I have my things to do list. I am not enthused about this endeavor. It’s a quarter to 8:00 and I have 90 minutes to get out the door. If I can’t finish today or if I just feel like hanging out with my ex partner, I’ll stay over.

Oh yeah, and there is just one more nuance to this. My ex partner reminded me that the annual shut-off of hot water rescheduled for next Monday. They do this in all the apartments in the country and probably in the entire former Soviet Union. Every year they turn off all the hot water for 2 weeks for maintenance. No showers or baths. Well, you learn to like the cold water. But if I do want to catch a hot bath, that would also be today. If you want to count that as a plus, be my guest.

Up and at ’em? Yeah, time to get up.

***

It’s 3:30 and I am just kicking back in my ex partner’s apartment. This morning went about as well as it could go. I found a pair of knee pads at the market. This was the same price as the mail order possibility but, here I am supporting a local seller. Plus for that. I also bought several different types of hose clamps, the strongest I could possibly find and even a wrench specific to turn one of them. We are going to lock that bastard down and it’s not going to go anywhere.

I also found an old friend selling his grape Vines. I believe I bought grapes from him many years ago when I lived in another village. I said that wrong. We bought a place out in the country back when I was with my daughter’s mother. I believe I got my grapes from him as well.

I was a bit hungry and I had a moment. I stopped at a couple of the grandmothers and bought an apple and a couple of pickles. Everyone who has a hot house is selling now and the prices are ridiculously low. A very good reason for me not growing tomatoes. Firstly, they are a pain in the ass, secondly they only grow in hot houses here and lastly, when the season hits, you can get all you want for pennies. Agriculture is a bad business. I would not do what I am doing now for money.

He saw me before I saw him and when I turned around while taking a bite of a pickle, I saw him hiding his eyes. I took a minute before going to see him. There’s always drama. Everything with the family is normal, his health is good, nothing ever changes and then we got to talking about the grapes. He sold me four plants. Two of a similar variety of red that he claims are unbelievably delicious, one seedless green variety and another with large berries that he says must be specifically for grape juice or wine. Who could argue with such a selection? 

I didn’t want to carry them in a plastic bag or in my messenger bag which was now full of hose clamps and knee pads. I know where he lives and it’s pretty much on the way home from my ex partner. It’s raining like hell right now but most likely it’ll blow over by 5:00. The only problem is where we are going to put them and getting a suitable metal frame for them to grow on.

One idea that I kind of like was to trellis the entrance way. This would be from the gate to the front door. Grapes would be lovely for such a thing. We have a few things there that the light might block but really, it won’t be that horrible for many years. We should have grapes in two or three.

The only negative about this is the amount of Auto fumes that my neighbor would blow in the direction of these grapes. God strike them down or give them a box please. On the one hand, the ivy that we are growing on the fence will block a lot of the auto fumes coming. We also have some lavender there which will add a lovely taste. Now this is going to be something that is going to be specifically watered of course. I don’t believe in our land’s ability to handle almost anything all by itself anymore. But grapes are nice. I eat a lot of raisins.

I am staying over tonight. The ex partner is going to yoga of course but I am going to hang out here until tomorrow morning. The weather is violent right now. Not that it’s too difficult to manage but I have a meeting tomorrow morning and a few things left that I need to pick up. I won’t need a taxi and I will just get on the train and ride home.

I’m not going to get too much into specifics, I’m aware of all the specifics but I don’t really feel like printing them publicly. The sanctions package against the Republic of Belarus is making Americans extremely leery of doing business out here. Money is ridiculously tight. I’m talking about my own money, not even any money that I would get from anybody and certainly not any family money. I don’t have family money. 

The only thing really worth saying is that I saw this coming and moved correctly to defend myself. I didn’t necessarily see a full scale War starting and I didn’t see that this would jack up American distrust to a ridiculous level. Americans love dishing out punishment. They love superiority or at least feeling Superior even if it’s not theirs and just media propaganda. I saw that it was time to skedaddle out of town. I saw that it was time to go to the mattresses. I was wise. 

All I’m saying is that I could use a break already. I have one deal going on that really will not make or break anybody’s life. It’s not going to make me Rich or change my perspective or my possibilities. It’s just the availability of enough money to buy tomatoes when they’re in season. It’s just a little rainy day money and money to make sure that I’m saving all the water I can to ensure against drought.

You know it’s funny talking about mental acuity this morning. It’s funny when you actually have developed an ability to vocalize and explain things to the point that you feel really secure in your vision and sense of things. You feel like you are in control of yourself and that you can believe in your ability to make decisions. But then it doesn’t seem like anyone else is bothering with this sort of hobby. Most people are pretty happy being emotional. Most people are pretty happy wading through the tortures and waiting for an opportunity to pass the torture on. Very few people actually care anymore about doing their job or getting things right.

One of the worst things here is that people will justify absolute garbage workmanship from the fact that they’re not getting paid for it. I remember the last time I took the trouble to listen to the town band, a big band with a full horn section. They were really awful. I hate to say this because I know a couple of people in the band and I like them very much and respect their musicianship. But this band truly just didn’t care. When I asked him about this, I remember wondering if it was the director’s fall to her faith weren’t practicing enough. The answer was simply money though. Unanimously, all the musicians explained their level of musicianship as correlating directly to how much money they made. No natural pride. No desire to make beautiful music. We ain’t getting paid, we ain’t playing anything snappy.

When I was at the market today, I asked everybody why they were so completely depressed. It was a stupid question. I already knew the answer. I already knew the answers. One lady who works with her husband selling bicycle parts gave me an “our people” argument and then ended her opinion with a few words of English. She was happy to have the opportunity to talk to me in English.

Everybody is afraid to explain their politics. One way or the other, Belarusians have no real choice. Market people know damn well that the state has it in for them. They remember when the president said that he would happily shake the hand of the last entrepreneur. That’s saying something. That means something when the President says something like that. On the other hand, they have already become aware that not supporting Russia is probably certain death. They are just crushed people and few people bother with the market anymore. Better to shop at the Russian supermarkets.

I’m probably not going to buy anything from the ladies tomorrow. I don’t feel horrendously bad about it. My ex partner tells me that often when she goes there, they are not even at their normal places. I find it hard to feel personally responsible but I do in a way. I just can’t spend money. I don’t want to, I don’t like doing it and I really don’t have it to spend. And if we’re talking about food, I ate breakfast from the boxes today.

That is very true by the way. The spinach is up enough that I could steal some leaves. One purple cabbage leaf was broken off. And I am already so used to horseradish leaves that I have as many grains as I can possibly want. Even old Mr saltbush is there if I need a potassium fix. I’m already eating my own food and I still have at least two months of potatoes in The Root cellar.

So that’s about the story from here. I’m not quite done with all of my meetings. That’ll start tomorrow morning. I’m going to try to get everything finished in time to jump on a train. I don’t have so much work to do to prepare for my day off but I think I would like to have as much time as possible to let things settle. I always get worked up when I come to town.

The only other thing I can say is pray for a break in the money deal. I need some good thoughts. I could use a few dollars. I won’t starve if I don’t get it. I can get along for quite some time without it. I’m not even saying that with bravado. I’m okay for a long, long time even if this deal doesn’t go through. But it would be very nice and very comfortable if it did.

I am not a spy. I am not a traitor. I have never betrayed or harmed anybody knowingly in my life. I just moved here because it was my family’s Homeland and the first time I traveled here, I thought the people were very polite and quite lovely people. I was proud to know I came from such well-mannered people. And then I just stuck around. That’s all that happened. I just stayed and now I’m kind of working on retiring. My legs hurt. I have some political opinions. I don’t like corruption. I’m pro people and I want people to have and be able to have a vested interest in their communities. This I won’t back down from. I’m multiple right down on capitalism truthfully and I am an ecologist to the core. And I’m a lifetime bicyclist. 

Not a bad guy. Not the enemy. I am not the enemy here.

***

It’s 9:45 and I’m closing up shop for the night. Dinner was wonderful as always. Some combination of porridge with some lightly sauteed veggies along with a lot of fresh veggies. The ex partner of course has a supermarket food or at least market food and right now hits showing up on the tables in abundance. I’m not complaining.

Tomorrow morning is going to be pretty busy. I’m going to make a stop in to visit some people I know, hit the market for some spices and then pick up a new bank card before heading over to the train. It’s not that big of a deal if I make the first train or the second train. It’s just kind of wasted time. I don’t want to be terrible to people but I kind of prefer being at home than in town. It really shouldn’t be anybody’s business but I can’t help it if people want to feel attached or attribute some celebrity or something to me. I don’t like it but I can’t stop it. My problem is not with this, it’s with the pollution. You get addicted to fresh air and quiet. It’s really hard to make the change.

I have not forgotten to do a tourist study this week. We are starting the book of numbers, bamidbar, But I’m going to wait until tomorrow to get into it. I’ve done the reading. It’s about counting. It’s about taking a census of all of the people out in the desert, all of the children of Israel. They formalize a draft and they choose the leaders based upon birth order and family name for each of the tribes. But I’m not really going to comment on it now because I think I might have a friend who will do that tomorrow. I don’t know this but I’m going to bring it up in our conversation and see what he has to say.

I also have a weird story of a double nipple. I didn’t get around to telling that story today. I’ll get to that one tomorrow as well. I mean, I could if I wanted to but I don’t. I’m not lazy per se. I’m just well fed at the moment and feeling reasonably peaceful and quiet. I’ve had a nice bath, changed my clothes and ate a fine dinner. I just don’t feel very writerish Right now. I have the contemplative mood, I probably have the words, I just don’t want to make the effort. 

Tomorrow I’ll make the effort. Tomorrow I have a ton of things to do before my day off.