Thursday, May 12th 2022
It’s a quarter to 8:00 and I’m sitting out in front of my house watching the sun come up. Yesterday was incredibly warm. Too warm. Technically, it was in the twenties which translates to the 70s in Fahrenheit but to me, it felt like a sultry August afternoon. Very warm. Almost too warm to sleep.
I hate to sound like a manic depressive but when I woke up today I was greeted to an awful site. The rats had gotten into my baby garden box. These were the pickles I was trying to grow. I don’t know why I didn’t cover that box. I covered the sweet potatoes and we do have two tiny baby shoots coming from them. But I didn’t cover the other boxes. I just didn’t think of it. And of course, I no longer have a cat.
I believe my ex partner found a guy who does wells and even gives us his price. What an astonishing development. And the price is about what I figured it would be, probably a little more than I was going to offer my two local guys. But I cannot count on them coming. They are amidst drama.
This is the new game that I’m being blamed for. It’s the same game. It’s called scapegoating and it is as old as the Torah. Christianity is anti-Semitism and I’m just driving these old boys crazy by being here. Unfortunately, this is their problem and not mine despite my scapegoat status. If they are experiencing drama because they are not getting what they want from me, well, again, this is their problem.
And what do they want from me? To be Christian! And to get money. What else do they want besides power and money? Well, maybe some of them want a brush with celebrity. Sometimes I feel like I am Brad and Angelina all wrapped up in one. I am Hollywood tinsel. I am charismatic. Gosh, I’m so bloody good looking I blush when I look in the mirror. Rich as a Rockefeller, handsome as a movie star and let me tell you what I have creeping through my pants right now. I am the love gun that kiss used to sing about. I’ve been told that just glancing at a young Maiden is enough to bring her into heat. I am responsible for more births than the invention of the car.
Actually, come to think of it, why should they want me in the church? Wouldn’t this be backwards to the holy nature that is the Christian church? Nonsense. It’s about money. Why, if people found out that I was in the church, this would make everything correct. All fake news would become real. The war would end in Ukraine. Peace and Justice would reign throughout the world and air pollution would miraculously disappear.
I could see it now. My neighbor, the chicken lady, came to see me with a fresh baked minced pie. “We know how much you love pork Mr Goodman so we baked this especially for you. And it’s laced with cheese and milk from our own cows.”
Gosh, I’m almost crying right now with the emotion of this thought. It’s too bad there isn’t any water left in the river. I don’t know how they’re going to baptize me.
No, the problem is that they are drama. The problem is that they no longer work, they just scheme. Life itself is too boring and if they don’t make problems for people to try and solve, they have nothing to live for. And me? I locked my door. I told them not to feel free to walk on to my property. I told them not to feel free with their advice or their business offers or their glad-handing. I told them not to feel free doing what they did all last year with me because I didn’t like it.
And let’s be honest with each other. You can’t force someone to like you. This is a great lesson in life for you young children. You cannot force someone to love you. In fact, the moment you use force on someone, you are absolutely guaranteeing that there will not be any love anywhere around you ever again.
Let’s put this into algebra so we can remember the axiom.
L>P. P=Hate. L+H=H. Therefore P≠L
(love is greater than power. Power equals hate. Love plus hate equals hate. Therefore power does not equal love.)
And we can prove this theory with another axiom: milk plus shit equals shit.
No, Love comes by choice. If you want someone to love you, you can try to get their attention. You can bring gifts I suppose. You can attempt to be kind. But as far as any feelings are concerned, either they have them or they don’t. And when they don’t, they don’t and there’s not a damn thing you can do to change their mind.
This thinking by the way is also in the Tao Te Ching:
“When taxes are too high, people go hungry. When the government is too intrusive, people lose their spirit.”
“Act for the people’s benefit. Trust them; leave them alone.”
“Stop trying to control. Let go of fixed plans and concepts, and the world will govern itself.”The more prohibitions you have, the less virtuous people will be. The more weapons you have, the less secure people will be. The more subsidies you have, the less self-reliant people will be.”Therefore the Master says: I let go of the law, and people become honest. I let go of economics, and people become prosperous. I let go of religion, and people become serene. I let go of all desire for the common good, and the good becomes common as grass.”
Or in other words, you cannot make someone be your friend. If you want to be someone’s friend, stick out your hand and say good morning. After that, don’t worry about a thing.
I just want to add one more thought to this opening here today. I actually did teach my ex student something yesterday. It was just a small piece of politeness, just something I said that he repeated himself. It was from when I was closing and the words I said were:
If I can ever do something for you, don’t be afraid to ask.
***
Zelinsky gets the Canadians
This war is a sickness to everybody. There is nothing positive that will ever come from this. There is so much misery and death connected to this war.
Unfortunately, Zelinsky is a very good statesman. He has manners, he is well spoken, he is charismatic and he is very, very popular globally. Why do I say unfortunately? Because I am sitting on a piece of land surrounded by drama freaks and we are all residing in the only country in the world that continues to support Putin.
If there is a massive land War and a pushback from Europe, they will be coming through here. If Putin decides in a purely Tony Montana cocaine Haze that it’s time to push the button and start lobbing nukes around, both the missiles and the fallout will come here.
They say that those who do not learn history are destined to repeat it. During World War II, a day we just commemorated with a national holiday, the territory of Belarus was absolutely decimated. Russia did not lift a finger to defend this territory. The Nazis not only rounded up and killed all the Jews, they also burned 630 something villages to the ground killing everyone and everything.
Those who fail to learn history, are destined to repeat it.
***
I’ve got two more things that I want to share. The first one is from Emor, this week’s Torah reading.
The word Emor means speak, as in the Lord spoke to Moses and commanded him to speak to the children of Israel.
There are basically four or five main regions of explanations of what to do and generally, it’s about being clean. A lot of the Torah has to do with remaining clean and keeping unclean people separated from the clean people. Probably where the milk plus shit equals shit equation comes from.
There is quite a bit in there about what connotes good barbecue and bad barbecue. But at the beginning, they make a point of telling people not to marry prostitutes nor to make prostitutes of your people. This one struck me personally because I have always had it as a natural thought in my mind that only a fool marries a prostitute. I guess this is where it came from as kind of common knowledge.
This is a tricky question though because sometimes women lose their husbands and then would like another. Sometimes people just don’t like each other anymore and desire new company. You can’t start everybody off at virginity and think it’s going to work out. Sure, you can believe virginity equals purity but unfortunately, lots of things happen along the way.
But I felt vindicated for a moment reading these words. One of the other great dramas that people have, or reasons to have drama towards me, is that I am single. I don’t actually know that I am single but I don’t live here with anyone. I don’t know why this has to bother anybody. I don’t know why everybody thinks I’m a bloody killer Savage who is liable to start fire bombing everybody around me. Oh yeah, I’m an American. I must be hyper violent. I must have a weapons stockade here. I’m American. I love guns. That makes sense actually.
I mean, I’ve never owned a gun in my life other than I once bought a 22 to shoot in the desert and I kept it for about 2 weeks. I didn’t like it. I’ve never owned another one. And one time I went to a shooting range and borrowed a 45. I remember the bullets were extremely expensive and the gun had a pretty good kick to it. I also noticed that the shots were pulling to the left and when I mentioned it to the gun dealer there he said “so what”. I thanked him for taking my money, did not purchase anything from him and never went back to a shooting range ever again.
I am not a fan of guns.
But when the words showed up in the Torah about not marrying prostitutes or unclean people, I felt that pretty much explained my thinking. Why should I get married? Why do I need it? And if you’re telling me that I have to get married in order to make this particular crowd of people happy, I am just as okay with them being unhappy with me as when they loved me. I guess it’s exactly the same as getting married. They are a pain in the ass when they like you and all they do is come with their hands open for money and time and energy that I don’t have to give. I think I’m making the equitable choice just find the way that I am and if I feel like changing my mind, I will let you know.
Meanwhile, I’m not gay and everybody knows I have an ex partner who hates the word girlfriend. So what?
Anyway, I guess what was going on at that time was that they were having quite a bit of problem with venereal disease. They made a lot of laws about that and penile discharges were a reason to keep people out of the Temple. You don’t want to mix the unclean with the clean. They also had quite a few rules about animal sickness as well. Again, I have always felt that the Torah was vegan in its heart but got stuck with the meat thing because of a lack of a home territory. They couldn’t grow vegetables because they had to keep moving.
And of course this exact paradox shows up at the very end. The idea of all of these things that Moses should say to the children of Israel are there for peace and the good of all of the children of God. And he said exactly these words:
17And if a man strikes down any human being he shall be put to death. 18And one who slays an animal shall pay for it a life for the life. 19And a man who inflicts an injury upon his fellow man just as he did, so shall be done to him [namely,] 20fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. Just as he inflicted an injury upon a person, so shall it be inflicted upon him. 21And one who injures an animal shall pay for it. And one who strikes a person shall be put to death. 22One law shall be exacted for you, convert and resident alike, for I am the Lord, your God.
You get it? You don’t hurt people and you don’t hurt animals. You don’t intentionally inflict pain. You don’t cause harm. It’s wrong. It’s illegal and they pay penalties for breaking these laws.
19A man who inflicts an injury upon his fellow man just as he did, so shall be done to him. 21And one who injures an animal shall pay for it.
I guess there was some kind of trial going on when this piece of writing was set down because then they took the guy who had done something wrong and threw rocks at him until he died. I guess they never heard of prison reform back in olden times and probably we’re not hip to the concept of hypocrisy. Also, this was kind of a one-man show and there were not a lot of checks and balances asking Moses about his relationship to God and why he automatically knew that things were right and wrong without any debate from others. There wasn’t a lot of voting going on. They just said not to commit harm and then they threw rocks at someone and had a barbecue afterwards.
Okay, it’s not really vegan because they only assign a monetary value to the life of an animal rather than simply considering it a life. But they ate a lot of barbecue and people who eat meat and all hyper conservative types are horrible self-justifiers.
***
It’s a little bit after 9:00 and I was mildly debating whether to go to town today. I don’t really have any particular needs. I have plenty of food. I have wild greens and even onion greens from my garden. I still have plenty of potatoes to eat and really, my storehouse of porridge and beans is still very full. I don’t have any problem with food. And for stuff like cabbages and onions, my basic staple, they’re available at the local store which is just a brief bike ride through the sand away.
One reason I thought about getting out of here is that the place is loaded with mosquitoes right now. Everybody believed that it was supposed to rain the other day and even the weather service told me it was raining when it absolutely wasn’t.
I would love to find out exactly how prognosticators go about doing their business here. I understand the basic fundamentals and how it relates to pressure systems moving in, wind speeds and of course historical data. But I wonder if these guys are allowed to look out the window before they send out their weather reports. I wish I had the ability to take a picture of my phone with my phone. The animation was really pretty cool and included steady rain and even the sound of rain to let me know that it was raining. Really, it was excellent computer graphics and animation. The Chinese are great hackers.
The problem was that it wasn’t raining. The problem is that it’s not raining enough.
I should have watered the field yesterday. This I absolutely know. I am sorry that I did not because I feel like I was remiss in my duties by failing to do it. I don’t really have an excuse. I mean, it was supposed to rain but it didn’t rain and that means I was supposed to go out and water. And ironically, I was in the process of not watering exactly when my friend called up and talked to me about procrastination and laziness in doing my job.
That’s not irony. That’s the KGB.
So I’m not going to town today and I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with myself here today. The mosquitoes are relentless and I should go and do something. I am just so completely demotivated right now, it’s hard to explain.
I did remember a trick that I learned last year though. I took some coffee from my coffee pot and rubbed it on my arms and clothing and the back of my neck. I always feel like an American Indian when I do this. But the truth is that mosquitoes don’t like the smell of coffee and they start leaving you alone. I am still killing about as many of them as they are eating me but the number is less and the buzzing is slowing down. The more coffee you rub on yourself, the less the mosquitoes like you. Try it, it works.
Anyway, I don’t see any rain clouds in the sky. We have only had one gust of wind. I can see that the trees are moving around a little bit which means last night’s still low pressure situation that made it so uncomfortably warm is now changing and the wind is coming in to fill the vacuum. If it doesn’t bring rain with it, 100%. I am going to water my field tonight. And I guess that means that I’m going to start by draining my well and filling up at least two barrels now.
If we do get rain, that’s fine. If we don’t, at least the place will get watered. And if I have any luck, this service my ex-partner found will arrive pretty quickly and hopefully find another meter of space down there and clear up this ridiculous silty water.
My ex partner pointed out that I could order fresh water from the service. I could go back to drinking filtered water from town. It’s not really that expensive and it just requires a bit of planning because the guy will only come up here once or twice a month.
I don’t know. The mathematics are just getting a little large for my taste.
***
It’s 12:00 noon and it’s hot and muggy and buggy but not wet. The weather report has changed. There was no 11:00 rain. The new call is for 2:00. The wind is blowing but I do not see any rain clouds in the sky.
We found a guy to clean the well and he is coming up on Sunday if everything is okay. Again, kind of in the price range but he seems enthusiastic.
Honestly, there’s just not that much for me to do right now. I guess I could be cleaning up if I want to but I just don’t feel like it. To my body, it’s just very hot right now.
I think you get used to whatever weather the world presents to you if you allow yourself to adapt. If you live in an apartment with regular heating, all year is pretty much the same temperature. If you have air conditioning and heating, I guess you can just control everything and make yourself comfortable regardless of what the weather is. I am pretty rustic which means I generally go with the seasons. Unfortunately, it means being pretty uncomfortable right now and bug food. Apparently the mosquitoes read the weather reports.
The wind however is picking up. The trees are getting a good solid shake. This is a sign that a high pressure front is coming in and that’s what they’re calling rain. Let’s just hope it actually works out. I can use every drop I get.
***
It’s about a quarter to 2:00 and it’s time for the storm. The wind is definitely blowing stuff around. The electricity went out for about 10 minutes. It seems to be back on now but apparently not everywhere. It’s going to be a ripping storm but I don’t see that it’s going to rain. I don’t see any rain clouds. I can feel that it’s humid. I can feel that there’s a ton of water in the air. And I understand that this is definitely a storm brewing of significant size. I just can’t see any water falling from the sky.
I pumped my will but only got about 450 L before I got to the end of it. I have three full tanks right now. If the guy shows on Sunday, hopefully he comes on Sunday, I’ll pump the tank again before he gets here. If he has his own tank he can get the last dregs but I like collecting my water and not dumping it out.
I put a board and re-laced the pump so that it hangs suspended over wherever you want it to be. This allows me a little more accuracy and it has less of a chance of falling over and getting clogged. The pumping went exactly as it should and the numbers on the amount of water being pushed were perfect. A little slower when pushing 50 m but exactly within tolerances. It’s just that the water is very yellow and very silty.
Also, the rats got to some of my plants here in the kitchen. Yesterday when I was up again from a serious down because of all the Life coming up in my boxes, this morning there was nothing but a few chewed stems. Brutal.
I also just lost a window. The storm slapped it open. The glass didn’t break but the frame ripped free. I kind of stuffed it back together and closed it. It’s got to be rebuilt.
May 12th, right? All of this and it’s only May 12th?
You know, I’m not blaming anybody. I don’t blame anybody but myself. I really wanted to get up and do things this year. I understood that I needed to do therapy and rehabilitate myself and do things I haven’t been able to do in a long time. I knew all this and I made my choices and any suggestions I may have taken from other people I put on myself. I blame nobody for my choices. And I’m not quitting.
I just wish something would go right. I just wish one thing would go right and normal. I mean, I never expect anything good to come from people. And I understand it is people who have been torturing nature and who have created this mess that I’m looking at right now. I get it. But here is a lesson for you from the teacher. Understanding something doesn’t mean anything. Practical application in life is what it’s all about and making use of your knowledge as wisdom.
So okay. The clock says 2:00. We will see if we get any rain and if we don’t, I’m going to throw a bucket on my boxes.
Let’s just keep it going. There is no other place to go but forward. Today is Thursday, tomorrow is Friday, Saturday is my day off and Sunday we are cleaning the well and planting beans, squash and the rest of our cabbages. Rock and roll.
***
3:06 and the rain is finally coming down. This is a serious storm. Thunder and lightning and finally sheets of water hitting the ground. Excellent.
***
No. I spoke too soon. It’s 30 minutes later and the actual rain didn’t even last 5 minutes. The wind kept blowing and the clouds just passed over without dropping any water. There wasn’t even enough water to make the ground seem wet.
I sat outside in it the whole time. I was just enjoying the wind. Not far from here, a tree gave up The Ghost and cracked in half from the force of the wind. It was too dry to stay up and just splintered and fell. Maybe I’ll go look for it tomorrow.
According to the weather report, that was all we get. There’s only a 3% chance of rain. And if it’s interesting, the air quality report was interesting to read.
The air quality is generally acceptable for most individuals. However, sensitive groups may experience minor to moderate symptoms from long-term exposure.
Yeah, long term exposure to our air is deemed dangerous for sensitive people. Cheers
***
Okay, it’s a quarter to 6:00 and all the boxes and all the trees and I’ve gotten some water. The trees got about 30 seconds each and the boxes all got a minute and 20. A lot of the mulch has been broken down already and probably blown away. I need to spend more time in there fluffing things up. But the garden is growing. It’s growing and what we have planted is growing. And everybody got some water.
I think, if my calculations are correct (there is a phrase I never thought I would honestly say in my lifetime), at 50 m, the flow is down to probably something close to 10 L a minute. I know this is not really enough water to do the job. But if everything is mulched well and I keep at this, I think everything will be okay. And hopefully, there’s enough quality material breaking down in the soil to be good food for the plants.
I guess all I’m saying is that I can get by unless. I can’t say that I know I’m going to be successful by being conservative like this. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But with the technology that I have and my own labor as it stands right now, I can cover almost the entire Garden with one barrel. And even without cleaning out the well, one barrel is half the water. Even with a Little help from the rain, we are going to be okay.
However, what would be the cost of setting up a sprinkler system? I’ve got one row of fruit and nut trees, a few lower gardens and the nine boxes. Actually eight boxes but one of them is twice the size as the others. As far as watering the trees, I could run a sprinkler system in a straight line and simply run a spray every day for a couple of minutes. That would cover the trees. I could also run a separate line to cover the berry bushes.
The lower gardens can be maintained with the hose as can the boxes. I’m saying this because we are only planning squash and beans. Maybe some yams if we can ever get our act together. These things do not require a lot of attention or water. I could probably head down there once a week if necessary or we can just let the world take care of us. And then all I would need to do is do the boxes by hand.
I think I need to study on this a little bit. I hate to be spending money so freely. Maybe I’m just enjoying what I have. I don’t mean to make the ladies jealous but when you love something, I guess your wallet tends to open up. But I don’t really think it would cost that much to set up a system. It would basically be a length of hose with some spray Jets inserted into them. Turn on the pump, turn off the pump and you’re done. That’s an interesting thought.
We had another good strong stormy wind blow while I was watering. No massive effect. My legs are better and I’m slightly more capable but they are ridiculous. It’ll never be the same again. I mean, I did it. But it’s a bloody adventure.
Anyway, I count for the life of me believe that any of this is even remotely interesting. We could call this a day in the life of global warming. Climate change Casablanca. Desertification meets destiny. I just can’t unsee this. It doesn’t really matter what people think or don’t think about me personally. I just can’t unknow what I know. I can’t unsee it and unfortunately it means I can’t not say it.
I guess I’ll finish this up a little later.
***
It’s 8:00 and I’m watching the Mets game. Free game of the day on mlb.com.
The mosquitoes have finally gotten tired of eating me. They are ruthless today and yesterday. I prefer to be non-violent but it is really difficult to just sit here and let them eat me. There is some theory that says you just let them do what they are going to do and eventually you don’t even feel it anymore. Perhaps this is true. Are you interested in trying this method? I am not.
I had the most simple dinner tonight. Pearled barley and green lentils. I think I put some couscous in there as well as some chili pepper for a little yang. Nothing special, no sauce, no noodles and nothing exotic. Just something tasty and healthy made without oil.
My current plan is to go to town tomorrow. If we are planting on Sunday, I can probably take the stress off my ex partner by bringing a lot of stuff with me. I don’t need a lot but I would like to stock up on sunflower seeds and maybe some coffee and noodles. I can live without these things but I am inclined to make sure that you never run out of things you need. I don’t get crazy when these things aren’t around and sometimes when you are left out in the cold, you come up with your best improvisations. On the other hand, it is better to be comfortable.
I might also stop in at the Jewish community for a bit. I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine there and he said something very nice and friendly to me. My original answer was that I don’t really hang out. I don’t really like to party. I’m terrible at being social. I never go to parties. I don’t Network and it’s hard for me to even fain interest in meeting people. I understand this is a way of life. I understand this. I am okay with how I am. How I am does not bother me at all. But still, you want to repay kindness with kindness. Pay It Forward is how I think they say it. So I think I’ll stop by there in the morning and at least try to have lunch with my ex partner.
I want to end this piece of writing today on a note of optimism. I feel like I end up on a bit of a roller coaster sometimes and I might give the impression of being a bit manic depressive. I’m not. I am who I am. I am an artist. Or I’m just a man with all of the things that all men have that drive me.
I think though if there is one thing that is different about me it is that I have a very mathematical mind and prefer function to dysfunction. Sure, I lose my temper sometimes. I used to yell at my students quite a bit. I don’t know why I had to do that except that it was very frustrating trying to find that sweet spot where people work hard and progress quickly. It’s frustrating to have to drag someone through the mud because they do not generate their own electricity. Ask any professional teacher about this and they will tell you all about it.
I just don’t really know why I’m still doing this writing. I know why I started. I genuinely felt that I needed to make a public statement and I needed to make it loud and I needed to make it clear. This was in 2020 during the big election year. I was not really doing journalism but I ended up writing about the world around me quite extensively, covering American and Belarusian politics. I’m not a journalist but in fact this is a journal.
Last year, I had no intention of doing the same thing again. But then in January I had the idea of moving out to the country and getting away from the air pollution of town. And suddenly I was putting together this massive project, well at least the idea of several massive projects, and the thing just took me along. First one thing happened and then another thing happened and then another thing happened and there I was scribbling it all down.
And here we are in another year and here I am putting words on pages again. Here I am riding 50 pages a week again. Here I am expressing my thoughts again. Sure, it’s different this year. I feel a little bit more put together this year than in the past. But then again, we have a hyper violent shooting war going on this year. Last year was nothing compared to this year in terms of how much danger I feel. But then again, there is a progression to all this. You can see it coming. You can see the insanity rising.
I don’t know why I’m not doing any advertising for teaching right now or even this blog. I don’t know why I’m not supporting this. I know why I’m not on the social networks. I just don’t want to participate in this anymore. If I need to talk to people who I know through the social networks, I’m available on all Messengers. I talk to people all the time. It’s not like I fell off the face of the Earth.
But one of these days I have to go back and make something clean and functional. Somebody said that this blog was my platform. It is. That’s a fine word for it. Other than this, I’m available for some kind of work I’m sure and I really should tell people that I’m available. But right now, I’ve seen to simply be doing other things that I want to do more. These days, I’m just enjoying being outside more. I’m interested in moving around more.
But even that doesn’t really give satisfaction because the damage we’ve done to Nature is everywhere. It is obvious to my eyes already. The more I have written and the more I have thought and the more I have been discussing the state of the planet, the more horrible it is to look at. Again, I cannot unsee what I see and I can’t stop knowing what I know or feeling what I feel. When that 5-minute rain happened today and the wind caused a tree to snap and break, I knew why that tree broke. It was dry as a bone. The water table is not high enough to support it. I know this like knowledge. And as much as you might want to say that trees break and fall all the time, there is always a reason for it and this reason is now very obvious to me. We have broken something. We have broken something and the only way to fix it is to let nature fix itself and that means stop breaking things. This is all that I’m saying.
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