Thursday, April 28th 2012

It’s a few ticks before 8:00 a.m. and I am on the couch in the cold room. More potatoes and chocolate coffee for breakfast. My body doesn’t want to do anything. I should go to town today and I should get moving but everything hurts and nothing wants to move.

I know I should think through this problem, get organized, make a list and start going. My legs are killing me. I’m in so much pain right now.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I always bring this misery on myself and that there is no one to blame but me. I’m sure you’re right. I’m not actually putting restrictions on myself or playing challenge games. I’m just trying to live my life well and do the things I know are good and right and helpful. I can’t help that I don’t think selfishly all the time. I can’t help that I don’t give a damn about consumerism. I can’t help that I’m not rich or Rich enough to just buy my problems away. Maybe if I had money I’d be more wasteful. Maybe yes or maybe no. But right now it’s just pain.

The actual list that I need to put together for town is basically my clothing to wash. I could probably figure out an easy enough washing system here and do it myself. I used to wash my own clothes in my apartment in town and that was not so hard. It’s just a matter of heating up the water first and using a series of buckets. In fact, with the water pump I have, it would make things even easier. But at the moment, this is stuff that gets done in town.

I also have to get the list of things I need put together. It’s not very much. I have been living pretty minimalistically lately and though I do love the ladies at the market to death, I’ve been getting along pretty well without them. One by one, I’m losing the necessity for the things I used to buy there regularly. I go with what I have and what I really need and I don’t really mind if it’s not that much. I mean, I don’t feel deprived. I’m certainly not hungry and I don’t feel malnourished.

The only thing that I feel is a legitimate complaint is just that everything I do requires quite a bit of physical effort. Everything gets done by hand and we don’t have any machines helping me out except for maybe the water pump. And I don’t have any help to keep the place pushed along. So it’s just pretty daunting to continually be obligated to be moving through pain. That’s the bitch of this all. Individually, I don’t mind any of the tasks and I’m okay with the lifestyle. It just gets really daunting to have to do everything through pain.

This business is going to town or even hanging out in my ex partner’s apartment is not a trip to heaven. I know in my ex partner’s head, she believes very much that she is right and correct to be living her life in the style she is. She basically has the exact same life that I did when I lived in my apartment in town or even when I was up in Minsk. She goes to the store to get what she needs, she’s got running hot water and heat and Cooks What she likes in her kitchen. I understand.

But it’s just not like that here. I mean, yeah I can go buy certain things from the store. But it’s not a very well appointed store. The list of things I actually need from them are extremely minimalistic. It’s just a few necessities that I pick up and I certainly don’t spend very much money there. But if I want to be warm, I have to move, make some hot food or light a fire. If I want to wash, I have to pull the water out and either wash cold, or heat it up and get a warmer sponge bath. And certainly, if we talk about cleaning up, it’s the whole bloody property.

And then there is the ridiculous pain that comes along with everything.

When I am in town, usually when my necessities are finished and my responsibilities are through, I don’t do anything much different than I do at home. I’ll take a stool in the kitchen if I’m going to eat something or I’ll find a place to sit down like I’m doing right now. There’s really nothing else because there is no pleasure to be had in any type of movement. I could not imagine walking around town anymore. First of all, I’m not interested in looking at anything they have and it is an unbelievably stinky place from the tremendous amount of Auto fumes that these people put in the sky. Also, the marketing people have taken over the main party strip and the amount of electronic music that you have to suffer, they consider it conductive to sales, is just a brain fuck. I don’t consider any of this fun, I consider it sensory abuse. And then there is whatever pain I have to endure just to be abused. It’s senseless.

I’m just a different person now than I was a few years ago. Or maybe I’m not. There was a time when I lived in town and I went to these places, I sat in a coffee house or I went somewhere where people walk around and stare at each other. I don’t remember actually taking any joy in it but I did it because it seems like this is what people do. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t see any purpose in it and I definitely don’t see any enjoyment in it.

I do need to go to town though for one bureaucratic act that will probably take about 15 minutes. It has to do with banking and paying my bills. But after this, I think going to this Bank will become a rare occurrence. I am going to switch over to internet banking because it’s just too much work to keep up the chore. Like I said, I used to do it because it was part of life and I didn’t mind taking the bike ride over there. Now it’s just too much pain. Too much pain. It’s just not worth it anymore.

Of course, I did this by choice. I knew what I was doing when I made my choices. I was sober and clear thinking through all of it and in fact the only drunkenness I’ve had is in the last couple of days and that was just to somehow get through the last wheelbarrow loads. And the wood. I got drunk so I could bully the project a little bit because I had no choice. There was no other way to handle the pain.

But now I am like shattered glass. I can’t believe I have to make this town run. I’m not really getting along with my ex partner. There’s not much hope that we are going to find any new romance between us. I’m not talking about romance, I’m just talking about enjoying each other’s company. It’s all just fighting and negativity these days.

So I don’t really know what to say. If I’m going, I’ve got one hour to lock up and get on my bike to get to the train. I guess I should go because I have to. I’m just saying that life is pretty fucking miserable right now. I don’t think the vodka helps. I don’t think alcohol helps. I don’t think anything helps. I’m just really, really tired and really, really tired of being in pain.

***

It’s a quarter after 5 and I am just kicking it in my ex partners apartment. I would say life is pretty easy right now except of course somebody is using a weed wacker in a neighboring house. I absolutely hate the sound of weed wackers. They’re the most senseless instrument in the world.

There was almost zero difficulty in anything I did today. The service road was not horrible and I only got slogged down one time. I caught the train easily enough and did my banking as if there were no such thing as banking problems. Everything went smooth as silk and I am up to date, relatively solvent and I’ve moved to internet banking for all of my needs except possibly getting cash.

I visited the market and got some nuts and spices. None of the ladies were there that I usually go to. There were quite a bit of greens but I really didn’t bother. I wasn’t in a spending mood and I don’t really need it.

That was it really. I finished very early and found my ex partner here making lunch when I arrived. For some reason, I thought I was late but I got a bowl of supermarket vegetable soup, no argument whether it was tasty or not, and after I took a bath and changed into some clean clothes. And yeah, conversation with the ex partner was very easy, no stress, and she asked me to hang around so I did.

I haven’t really done anything important since I got here. She told me that she got a new computer but I didn’t check it out. I got a new wallet, non-leather, and I transferred my stuff over. And other than that I have nothing really to say. Just a day of not being at home, not working and giving my legs a day off.

When I go back tomorrow morning, I will try to make 10 trips for Forest humus. We might want some more to give the ivy something to eat. I think we are planting that on Sunday or Monday. But really, this will be the end of the serious heavy lifting.

The water system is a bit of a physical job. And I need a wand or something like that to water the plants. Maybe before I leave, I should head over to the other market and see if I can find something like that from the guy who sold me the water pump. Just a stick with a spray attachment to it.

I don’t really know what else to say here. This weed wacker is truly annoying. I know my own house is going to be filled with this noise. Everybody gets Jones about killing on Saturdays. It’s the only day they have, you know.

I think probably the only interesting thing that happened today was a girl I met when I was shopping from luda. Luda is a very devout Christian. She is very happy these days with the celebration and all just finished. I think she has been taking lent seriously and so she had a nice glow on her face. But there was a girl there talking to her, a young college student who is probably 21 years old. She flirted with me mercilessly and it was rather pleasant.

No, I didn’t do anything about it. I don’t know what people think anymore about me or about each other. But logically speaking, picking up a 21-year-old devout Christian is not going to do anyone any good. And I don’t really think she was the type anyway. But she was enthusiastic to meet me and I gave her the number of this site. So if you are reading this my friend, this is for you.

***

It’s 8:30 and I am back in my own kitchen. I think you can pretty much understand what that means without further explanation.

We have a bit of a mess. I’m going to let this last Mass work itself out and then I’m not going to have any more of these messes.

As for nuance, I’ve been drinking this week which makes two alcoholics. And the trick is that I don’t want any more alcoholic relationships. I don’t like alcohol and I do not wish to need alcohol and I don’t really want to talk to alcohol. Brutality is a marvelous and sadistic Nazi culture I’m sure. I’m good without the anti-semitism. I’m good without the nationalism. I’m good without the populism. I’m good without the social hypnosis. I’m good without.

Keep in mind that she’ll probably read this just to figure out what I had to say. I am not going to have these conversations anymore and I’m not going to fight. I’m just not going to permit these messes anymore. I’m not going to allow anybody to make messes in my life anymore, especially those who don’t give a shit what happens because they’re too drunk to know the difference. I mean, you Ulysses S Grant might have been elected president because of his alcohol and brutality that aided the Union army but I don’t need that in my life. I don’t want any more brutality in my life. The rest of my life is simply the quest for Peace.