Tuesday, April 12th 2022

It’s a quarter to 7:00 in the morning and today’s Town day. I have no idea what the road to the train station’s going to be like but I’m planning on going earlier than usual. I also have to get my head straight as to what I need to do today. I would prefer not to make any mistakes.

I spoke briefly with my ex-partner yesterday and she said we could probably get more of these water tanks. She is opposed to cutting them and tying them together and doesn’t understand why I would like to put a drain on each one to allow us to use gravity feed. I don’t know why she is opposed to everything and has her heart sit on a water pump.

I’m not really sure what I want anymore. In my mind, using a gravity feed and some simple plumbing, you could just open a spigot, fill a water can and water the plants. And, if there was enough water in the tank and the tank was elevated a little bit, you could probably get enough pressure to water the plants in the boxes with a hose. And my location, this was the entirety of the original plan and at least two sets of tanks are located exactly where we put our raised beds. So what is so important about a water pump?

I guess I was too caught up in the thought of catching rainwater that I forgot that I do actually have a well. I was thinking that the rain water would take the pressure off the well but as I don’t actually have a water pump to take water from the well right now, I do all my house water by hand, it never occurred to me that we could also use groundwater to fill the tanks and allow the rain to top them off. Saving water, especially rainwater when we have it, is insurance against drought which I am absolutely planning on. 12 years in a row of the hottest record in the history of History pretty much has you betting black.

I’m also on a ridiculously tight budget. That’s not going to change this year unless something truly miraculous happens. But if you start counting the number of people on the planet, factor in the war next door and then go back to the history of my relationship to basically everyone I know on the planet, just not going to be much income this year. I would love to be wrong. I would love to catch a break. It would be cool if everything worked out okay. But I’m not counting on it.

I should temper this thought. It sounds pretty selfish and the truth is, eventually the money problem is going to get everybody and my true prayer is that somehow the world comes to its senses and starts working in a positive and friendly manner with mutual goals for the betterment of mankind. I’m voting black on that as well. The losing streak of voting for humanity is into the thousands of years already. Why would I be so foolish to believe that global communications could possibly mean World Peace. Global communications only means entertainment for a world full of selfish divisionist agoraphobic apes. I’m betting black again.

This makes the trip to town a bit complicated and another athletic day. Pinsk is pretty flat and the distances between points are not really so much. And you never can tell, maybe I’m getting in shape these days with all of the yard work. But it’s complex because I just don’t have money to just buy my way through my entire needs. The sanctions are killing me, access is extremely limited and I need to be careful down to the penny just like everybody else.

Even my ex partner is starting to get weird about money. I have never taken a penny from her. I have enjoyed her hospitality and I am more than appreciative of her help during my time in the hospital and just after. For sure, she’s my best friend. But despite the fact that I have never, ever taken a penny of her money, she is really strange about laying out money for purchases. I have never defaulted on alone and I have gotten even every time. Now, she’s pressing and worried about money and grubbing around for every penny she can find.

I can look at that from the perspective of our relationship. We’re probably both getting tired of each other and our situation doesn’t do anything that leads to any mutuality. At best, she’s only one day a week up here and I’m only one day a week in town and she doesn’t come up here every week and currently, I’m not even going to town every week. That says a lot.

This is also selfish thinking because we should never forget that we have a war in our backyard and this war could just as easily creep over the border. I have military helicopters making regular flights over my head, everybody in town is aware that they were shooting rockets from the neighboring town. And whether or not you have access to Western coverage of the war or believe in the local propaganda from the national news services, it is creeping in that this is a bloodthirsty situation and that war crimes are being committed.

People want everything to be normal. The economic system keeps everybody completely locked in to what they are doing. Folks go about their jobs and do what they need to do to get paid every day. The war is someone else’s business and unless you’re in the army or have children in the army, people don’t even let it touch them. We think selfishly. We do us and we do not worry about anybody else.

I’ve actually heard someone say that he would not listen to altruism in any way. He asked me about my blog and my website and I tried to tell him it was about ecology and he just closed his doors and windows. “Don’t talk to me about altruism in any way. I’m not interested in hearing it”.

Can you blame this all on propaganda? No. Empty talk wouldn’t mean anything. You have to really get your ass into it. You got to put money on it. You have to make sure that people understand that in order to get paid, you got to do you and everything that doesn’t touch you is bullshit. You got to get that down deep inside. You have to make them feel it. It has to get attached to everything they do. They got to feel it in their sex and in their belly and in their asses. They have to know that this is the way it is and either they get running or they go to jail or get beaten or get forgotten or generally screwed out of their lives. They have to be afraid of thinking about anything else.

Then they have to love it. Then they have to understand how much fun it is. Then they have to take pride in causing harm. That’s when it becomes sexy. When causing harm becomes sexy, this is when the oil business starts making money and the corporations start making money and people take pride in bringing home their supermarket food in plastic bags which they put in the trunks of their cars so they can drive 1 km back to their house. 

That’s when they have autonomy. When they are in their cars and the radio is entertaining them and the air conditioning is keeping them cool in the ridiculous heat and the air filters are preventing them from genuinely understanding the quality of air on the highways, that’s when they know that they are winners. When they have escaped the horror of the world and the terrible mess and the violence of the people around them. When they have gotten themself away from the black people and the brown people and the yellow people and all of the different colors that people have and have isolated themselves inside their little mobile cabins, that’s when they know that they are above the law. 

They are free to sing along with their favorite tune. They are free to listen to conservative talk radio. They are free to listen to the Church of money. They are free to take pride in how powerful they are and how fast they are and how many miles and kilometers they can do and how easy it is to keep things going. 

Just keep the oil flowing, don’t fuck with my income. As long as we have guns and we have oil and we have cars we will be okay.

And just look at the great present that the United States gave Ukraine. Unilateral access to everything but nukes. This will show the Russians. More bloodshed, more killing, more outrage, more mothers losing their sons, more sons losing their lives, more people losing their humanity. 

More. Just more of everything. More parties, more alcohol, more sex, more drugs, more play, more food, more everything! Just keep the party going. Don’t ever let the party stop. Don’t ever send me back to work in the morning but don’t ever let me lose my job.

Me? I had a good day yesterday. There was nothing but peace except when my neighbors decided it was really important to get in their absolutely egregious vehicle and ruin my air and ruin the sound. These unstable people, they cackle like chickens and they cannot even imagine a day that does not require driving their car. And equally egregious, and they are completely aware of me and have mental complexities and arguments about my presence which they absolutely hate, it cannot possibly occur to their brains to just back into their own property instead of being lazy and driving straight in. If they do that they limit the amount of Auto fumes that comes onto my property and then they can kill themselves as they like. The thought never occurs to them to be absolutely this conscientious and allow me one microgram of peace and relief from their motherfucking auto fumes.

Who the fuck created this monstrosity of a world? Who the fuck created an educational system that allows slavery on every level of society to continue despite the fact that the world is coming unglued and we have destroyed our environment? Who the fuck allowed these monsters to make decisions over our lives? These greedy, thieving, self-serving liars and murderers. Who the fuck allowed this shit to go on?

We did.

So this is my point. It’s a conscious decision that everybody has to make to be a little altruistic. Just to be a little conscious that you’re causing harm by particular actions. This would be harmful to yourself or harm to your loved ones. Or your neighbors. We have to quit causing harm and believing that there is no pain because it’s with other people and you don’t feel it.

There is a lot of war strategy talk. People sitting in the comfort of their homes talk about mass movements of armies as if it’s a point of intelligence and genuine strategy. In peaceful times, we would think our way through problems on football pitches or baseball fields or hockey rinks. Maybe in the springtime, we would be thinking of how to get the attention of some particular girl or guy. Maybe in times of peace, we would be playing all of these strategy games about how to get what we want.

But when we talk about war, people are dying and getting hurt. People are losing their lives and this is on both sides. People are losing their physical lives and their material lives. And everybody who cares about them is losing a piece of themselves as well. And this thing that we’re doing is going to be with us forever. It is yet another ruined generation, another 40 million people with PTSD. Another group of countries completely ruined for another generation.

For what? For money? To keep the flow of money going? We do this for money?

We do this for money.

So today’s Town day. Today I have to breathe foul air. Today I get to go visit some people I know and have business conversations. I don’t know if I’m staying in town or not. If I do, by the time I get back here I’m going to be wound up tighter than a clock spring. It’ll be a day that I don’t get to play with my boxes. It’ll be a day that I don’t have to myself. It’ll be a day acquiring things that are just going to turn into garbage for the landfill someday.

You know, these plastic tanks can get purchased and a water pump can get purchased and we have a chance of getting water to the plants and the trees and the bushes. And if we get water to them and they have something to eat from the land, they’ll grow and we get to eat them and we don’t die because we have some food.

But the more I’m thinking about this, the more I just want to buy some bricks and mortar and build my own water tank. We could still buy the pump but the water will just keep dropping into that tank and I can make that tank as big as I want it and it’ll always be there. It’ll be a permanent fixture and as long as the house stands, it will have a natural system to catch water and save it.

I don’t know why this idea came to me so late. I don’t know why I got so caught up in buying plastic tanks. The only thing that even put me off the plastic tanks is my ex partner arguing with me telling me that she doesn’t want to cut the tanks. She has no concept of plumbing or adapting materials to your needs. She’s never done a physical thing in her entire life and she gardens without regard to common Sense.

I guess this is why I’m so bloody philosophical this morning. I’m still getting pushed and pulled. I can’t make the world disappear and the world just never wants to do anything but kill itself.

Right. T minus 2 hours to exit time and I’m not going to miss the fucking train. Time to get going.

***

How come guys named Adam are so talented at explaining things?

***

I’m sitting next to the railroad tracks a full 20 minutes early. The Frost and a few days of rain and the service road was hard pack. Delightful, easy, straightforward and now I’ve got 20 minutes to kill. Better early than late.

I want to say something positive. I want to feel and believe that there is something positive. I can’t rightly say that there’s anything to look forward to. I can’t hide the fact that both personally and in terms of general society, we are heading to the end like we have rockets attached to our asses. I am not young, I am not hopeful and I don’t believe that anything good is ever going to happen. But I want to say something. I want to say something good and positive.

At the beginning of this week, I had the thought to maybe use this space to write a play. I didn’t really give it enough thought to say that it was for a film or stage craft. I thought about writing a play because I was thinking of how nice it would be to be a writer who simply puts together projects for the edification of the public.

Sometimes I think of putting together 1,000 word editorial pieces for the newspapers. Sometimes I think of writing scripts for TV shows. Sometimes I think of turning my attention to some saleable form and trying to create money like everyone else. I thought maybe that would be an interesting and creative use of my mind instead of this faux journalism stuff that I do. 

I could create a hopeful scenario. I could create a story that leads to a genuine happy ending. I could create a scenario about a family trapped in a basement in a small town near Kiev. Maybe one of their sons is up top fighting for the resistance and they get to talk to him from time to time via phone. They can talk about the horrors of war and what has been happening to themselves. Maybe they bring down someone who needs some help, maybe this person is injured or hurt or panicked. And maybe they get found and they go into a complete panic but it turns out to be Ukrainian soldiers and the war is over. The war is over and peace is beginning and there’s going to be universal aid and help on the way. Perhaps some massive change of thought has taken over the world and this experience has been enough blood to actually move people from their complacency. Maybe it’s genuinely a time of new hope, new community and new thinking. Maybe even a quality is the universal road that the entire world is going to take. No more hunger, no more war and no more killing.

I could stop right there, drop the curtain, take the applause and the handshakes and say that we have done a good thing. We’ve given the world some hope of a better tomorrow, something to do for, something to believe in.

Or maybe this is just the beginning. Maybe this is a series. Maybe it will get picked up by Netflix and we get to watch the entire process of putting the world back together again. A global goal of voucherism and peace. Ecology is the word and the only gang sign that people meet themselves with is two fingers raised upwards. No, not the British version, the universal sign for peace.

Maybe it turns out to be the most popular show on TV. It gets translated into basically every language in the world and our actors become universal stars of the level of marvel comics superheroes. Everyone is into this. Everybody wants to know what happens to this family as they help rebuild their country and their country participates in the rebuilding of the new world.

Maybe we call this show Utopia.

My natural inclination is to say something negative here. I’ve noticed this trend from my ex partner. Lately, she only laughs at the negative jokes, at the words tearing down something that’s getting built. She only votes no and does not agree to participate in any positive forward progress. Really, the only thing she finds humorous is black humor and negative wit.

I’m not particularly blaming her. I’m saying that this is kind of a universal and I feel it myself. Right at the end of that positive run of thinking, a little moment of creativity while waiting for the train, my first inclination is to piss on it myself. My reflex is to say something negative.

I wonder if I gave that to her or she gave that to me. I wonder if the world has given this to both of us. I wonder if I ever noticed it before. No, I knew about this. I have known about it for a long time. I should know better already. It’s been there since the beginning. It’s always been like this. We only go to hopelessness. We only choose the road of death. We only choose to continue the path all the way to the end, до дна, And there must never, ever, ever be any hope of reprieve or redemption.

Maybe I should get involved in a project like this. Maybe I like projects more than I like writing and pretending to be a journalist. Maybe I don’t really like journal writing very much. There doesn’t seem to be any money in it and it doesn’t seem to do me any good at all.

Interesting thought though. Doing hopeful things and staying away from negative things. Maybe this is a good idea despite the war. Yeah, despite the war and despite the laws that disallow us being against the war, despite the laws that disallow us freedom or independence. Despite everything that is absolutely negative all around us all the time without reprieve.

Fuck. I just did it again, didn’t I? I set up all that positivity and then just made it negative. Why did it do that? Why do I do that? Why does everyone do that? Why does the world have to be so fucking hopeless?

Anyway, it’s time for the train and irony of ironies, the day I’m 20 minutes early is the day that the train is late.

***

It’s about a quarter to 9:00 p.m. and I am in my ex partner’s apartment. Dinner was vegetable soup with noodles and whatever leftovers were lying around. And today pretty much came to a halt at about 2:00 p.m. and I’ve been mostly sleeping and hanging out all day.

The markets, I’m talking about the outdoor farmers markets, close at 2:00 p.m. everyday. By the time I finished my first chores, it was already 1:30 and too late to do any real damage anywhere. I picked up a new pair of cycling gloves and for some reason, I just lost all motivation.

I can say some things about being in town. I can talk about a lot of things. I didn’t feel particularly sick and I didn’t feel like the bike riding was too much. The bike riding was excellent and the new setup is as comfortable as I have been for a long time. The gearing makes the bike feel a bit like what it feels like when I have my race wheels on. It’s obviously not as fast but it’s very easy to control. It’s a good idea to have control of your bike when you’re riding bracelets. I didn’t need to say that but I’m glad that I did.

There was just suddenly nothing. A void. Emptiness. Not depression per se , it was just that there was suddenly nothing to do. There was nowhere to go and no one to talk to.

Maybe that’s the whole point of everything. There’s really nothing to do in town. I understand that people usually think the exact opposite and they believe that the excitement is in town and it’s boring in the country. I noticed today that it was really just the opposite. When I’m at home, I’m never bored. I always either have something to do or I’m in the middle of doing something or I’m enjoying A moment’s Peace in between doing things. Everything is physical, manual and there is no doubt of the existence of what you are occupied with.

There was a time just after University when I started in sales. I wasn’t so horrible at it and I guess I made a living but I completely hated the job. In fact, I hated it so much that I became allergic to it. Just the thought of approaching people for money or trying to convince people of something for money just made me physically sick. I was tired of the phony interactions and I was tired of chasing money all day long. I was tired of the lying.

Then I had a lucky break in life and suddenly I was free of the burden of debt. Life stopped being about chasing money and started being about doing things. I gravitated towards physical jobs. I did carpentry and masonry. I helped build things. I built gardens and rock walls and I worked for a company that put up steel buildings and another company that did Stone cladding exteriors. And then I had my own company and we did the masonry and garden building.

I liked working like this much more than I liked talking for a living. It was more honest. If you did a good job, anybody could see it and if you fucked up, everybody could see that too. There was no nuance to the words and no inferences floating on the breeze. It wasn’t about manipulating emotions or trying to make people feel comfortable. You just follow the plan and put things together piece by piece.

I guess I’ve made it clear that I’m enjoying building these gardens. I’m taking quite a bit of pride in watching things appear and especially watching these boxes get filled. The mathematical number is a little more than 11 cubic meters of Earth. It’s not a small job.

I hear a lot of thoughts about my connection to this town but the moment I didn’t have anything to do, I just fell apart. If there’s nothing real to do, it’s better to do nothing. I didn’t feel like politicking. I never feel like politicking anymore. I like it better real.