Wednesday, March 23rd 2022
Good morning. It’s 7:00 a.m. and I have some decisions to make. I have some decisions to make about what to do with my body and what to do with my thoughts. This is a moment of difficulty in this piece of writing. I have a really interesting development in my life because of yesterday’s involvement with the police and my neighbor. And this also connects to a great many issues concerning public health, mental health, our perception of our relationship to each other and under which rules we should live to have the largest opportunity for happiness. It’s complex.
Physically, I should go to town. Going to town is a chance to at least attempt some rational planning with my ex partner. I also get to use her bathroom and my clothing gets washed. Don’t hate me. And it’s also perhaps a break for my legs. I am definitely pretty sore from the exertion of the last few days and if I understand my situation in the garden, I have a place where I could take a break from major work for a day or two without causing any harm. The major work of setting up the beam Garden is done and our anticipated planting day is this Sunday.
So the question is what to do with myself. If I am going to town today, it’s just a matter of gathering what I need and making sure I make it out to the train on time. If I’m in town this morning and promise to control myself, I can go to the market and pick up some vegetables. Maybe even a big Bank of pickled cabbage. I’m getting to the end of my need for salt.
It is absolutely a seasonal thing that is connected to eating saved veggies in the winter time. I am extremely pleased to be on this cycle by the way because the freshness of the warm months is as satisfying as the saltiness of the cold. It’s like scratching an itch.
A secondary plan would be to go into town tomorrow and just stay here and take it easy today. I do have things to do if I feel it. It’s just a matter of pain really. If I can move around without it being too excruciating, there is plenty of stuff to do.
As far as our planting schedule is concerned, the only thing I really have to do right now is go through the bean Garden a few more times to get the Earth as fluffy as I can. I also have more weeds that I could burn in those rows to add a little more fertility.
After this, it’s just a matter of cleaning up. You can always clean up. The kitchen needs a bit of a deep scrub and the floor in the second kitchen needs some sweeping. The war room could use a toss. I have a floor space in here that I like to occupy and that needs to be taken apart and put back together periodically. I guess I should also crank up the big computer in the office. If it’s warming up enough to be in there, I’m sure I’m more productive in there.
And this is just tweaking the environment. I think I have to put an acknowledgment page on the book that’s out right now. I should work on the website and actually do some advertising or something like that.
I suppose if I really cared, I should probably go talk to some of the ukrainians being housed in town and get their stories. I don’t want this to end up being heartbreaking exploitation. I mean, I feel for them. Nobody wants to get wrenched out of their lives. This war is a miserable piece of pig shit and all of these people just got canceled, if that’s the correct modern word. For nothing. For oil. For greed. 3 million refugees in the snap of a finger and a waste of a billion dollars.
So there’s definitely a lot to think about here and a few choices that need to be made. If I were to be completely honest, I would prefer to do the physical work. To me, it’s a lot more satisfying than any of the mental work or computer work. I get paid for the physical labor. I don’t necessarily get money, but eventually I get food which is the same thing. I am producing my own food this year which means I’m paying myself for my efforts, if you see how that works.
I would happily do some of the other work but I don’t really get paid so much for that. I have a friend who called me quite frustrated over the current situation. He has been talking about leaving for at least the 10 or 15 years that I know him. This war is yet another opportunity to bolt. He’s pretty busy but I mentioned something to him about perhaps working together. He is much more connected to the computer than I am and I was hoping maybe he has some ideas about converting practical English to a DIY computer program or telephone app.
I know nothing about this and I am completely uninterested in starting from scratch and learning to do it myself. In fact, I am completely tired of starting new things and having to do them from scratch simply because there is absolutely no way to make partnerships that work. Every time I get an idea that seems to be a good money maker and perhaps even suits some moral point of view, all anybody does is click Facebook likes. All anybody wants to do is sit in judgment of others and nobody wants to do anything anymore.
And that brings me back to the other argument. It would have been nice to have some money. Theoretically and legally, I should have had more money than I have now but people love stealing more than they love sitting in judgment. That’s pretty funny. I never thought of it that way.
Yesterday, I wrote a note to myself to remember that I wanted to talk about this idea of there being two types of people. I guess when I get around to that I need to remember that thieves and judges fit very beautifully on the parasitic side.
There are two types of people
Yeah, I’m going to have to get to that sometime today. This thought has been migrating around from place to place because I have been too tired to put my head into the thought. It’s a complex thought perhaps but truthfully, it just strikes me as being more work than I want to do right now.
I am very tired. I am physically very tired and my legs are incredibly sore. My hands and arms are also very sore and I was noticing some back pain as well. Gardening is hard work. Landscaping and garden building perhaps is even harder work.
Maybe all I really want is to plan out this Garden well enough that when it comes time to maintain everything that grows in these lovely boxes I’ve constructed, I will have constructed everything well enough that this work is relatively easy and straightforward. If I have planned everything well enough, the maintenance will not be aggravating and can be something that might even be enjoyable.
But no, this problem is not one that I wish I had more money to solve. I don’t mind spending some money on setting up this Garden. I understood in the beginning that I would need some materials. I am quite happy to rely on my cleverness more than my wallet though. It goes with the philosophy and I also guess that the less money spent on maintenance goes directly to the concept of profitability.
Or in other words, I am not putting in a plumbing system except for counting rainwater and letting gravity do the work.
Oh yeah, I’ve got to build gutters on the barn. I still haven’t got that completely straight in my head.
Okay, a light breakfast and coffee, I have to photograph the barn, and I should run a few tools through the gardens. And if I’m going to the train, my exit is in exactly 2 hours.
***
I have a lot to say on this point and I am against this war. Also, this business of Nazism is a bit far-fetched. But if it is of any interest, here is a very interesting film where Vladimir Putin describes his own point of view concerning NATO encroachment on territories that used to be considered either part of the Soviet Union or at least buffer States.
***
Okay, I have made my decision. I’m not going to town today simply because it’s too much effort to do so. I’m talking about the physical labor required to go to town.
I just made a big breakfast, some spicy sour cream soup with noodles and I am going to give my legs a bit of a break today. I will go out and comb out the gardens and I might even set the string on the last set of beds in the upper Garden but no more than that. I’m toasted. Everything looks nice, we are basically ready to go except for the last few passes to soften the land and I’ll do the town run tomorrow.
But I thought I would take this moment to get into the idea of there being two types of people. I’m doing this by the way with the residual auto emissions surrounding me. During my breakfast, my chicken neighbor decided to leave her house by backing out of her driveway as always and spewing my house with the auto fumes from her 20-year-old shitwagon. She was leaving her house in order to make money by creating garbage and making use of other people’s labor. She sells used clothing I understand. Fuck you very much.
I could go on about this woman and I will. As far as whether this situation is at an end, we won’t know until she comes back. If she tries to back into her driveway, we have an element of respect and a sign of mental health. If she drives as she normally does, because we have actually had the conversation, I have to take her to court and sue her for everything she and her henpecked husband have done. It’s torture of course. She is not the only person practicing torture in my understanding of the world. Lots of people seem to enjoy torturing. But torture is technically a no no.
So let me try to get into this. Probably, I should have written this as a free-standing essay and I might have to rewrite the beginning to create the freestanding essay but let’s leave it as it lies for now.
Let’s start this argument.
There are those who work and those who exploit. There are many ways to look at this. There are those who are jealous and those who are satisfied in themselves. There are those who look for war and those who look for peace. There are those who practice aggression and those who prefer to leave the world alone. There are those who believe in the economy and those who believe habitat to be more important. There are those who believe in power and those who believe in conversation. There are those who believe in status and those who believe in equality.
I wish to put myself on one side of this argument. Basically, everyday of my life, I practice being on the side that I am on. Often, I get called a traitor to my country and things of this nature but I do not think I am a traitor to any country. I am not a traitor to my country of passport and I am not a traitor to my country of residence. Technically, there is an argument to both of these things and especially so because I am against the war and technically, that is against the law. Technically I could be considered a criminal to both countries or I could be considered a hero to either country. It all depends on what you think is important.
From my argument, I would like to make this as simple as possible. We have the good guys and we have the bad guys. I prefer to be a good guy. Maybe it’s because of my name. Goodman. I come from a long line of Good Men and women, perhaps. Perhaps it is a natural inclination towards study or morality because of my ethnic background. I’m Jewish. These days I really look Jewish except for the curling side bars. Or maybe I was just born thoughtful much to the chagrin of my hysterical mother and absentee father.
Unfortunately, my parents were from the other side. My father occasionally condescended to placate me by saying words of wisdom that led me to believe that he understood my point of view. But in the end, he was not willing to practice because it would have meant the loss of money. My father and mother, despite being middle upper class we’re tied to the same economic system as everyone else. They were equally as greedy, hysterical, insane from ingestion of really bad food and locked into a lifestyle that disallowed them rest.
It’s very nice to say these words. It’s like I’m forgiving them. Sure, I forgive them. They’re both dead. Forgiving them or being angry at them is equally as useless. They both grew old and died without ever looking for a bridge. Good for them and good for me.
Except that I had to live through the brunt of their insanity and I had to be the object that they used to tell themselves that they were right. They use me as a scapegoat. In turn, all of my relatives used me as a scapegoat. Even to this day, I have relatives who keep a thought in their mind that because I am bad, they are inherently good. Because they have a right to hate me, they have justification for this because it goes against their personal ethos of what is right and wrong, they have a right to hate. And in this hate is there US versus them and because they choose war over peace, it goes on and on and on.
If you took the trouble to listen to or read the subtitles of Mr Putin’s speech, the genuine word to be spoken of here is rudeness. Наглость, naglost in Russian. Mr Putin spoke of the rudeness of being lied to at the conclusion of the Soviet Union. The West promised that they would not travel one step East. And then he points out that all of the buffer countries have been taken over and specifically, there are exactly NATO missile placements in Romania and Poland. He says it is very rude to have guns pointed at his head.
Let’s take that paragraph as its own thing. I’m going to agree with Mr Putin about the rudeness of the West. He is correct. And for the West to demand the dismantlement of Communism for the sake of selling corporate products, creating war and discord in foreign lands and polluting the entire world with their bloody stupid oil Business and the need for social hysteria in order to create profits, was very rude. To cause other people problems for your own enrichment is rude.
Let’s say there are two types of people. Rude people and polite people.
But then again, I have a book in print, at least electronically. Please click here and buy my book:
Jeff Bezos gets a cut because I couldn’t find my own marketplace but here, we have five years of Russian rudeness practiced against Western Russia and the Arctic. All for power and all for oil.
So, we could get into the pot calling the kettle black here but to make sense of this, let’s put this all into one bag.
There are countries of the world who lead by force and countries in the world who lead by reason.
So enough about International politics, let’s get into this argument very locally.
So last night for whatever reason had gotten into his head, the cop practiced a moment of reason with me. True, he called me to the front of my property in a sing-songy manner. But after this it was extremely noticeable that he had some measure of respect for me. As to why this was, perhaps it was his failure to dominate me when I was at the police station working on my residency card. I did not fear him and answered back that he might have his own bureaucratic problems because of his actions. Fear is one way to get respect.
There are people who use fear to get respect and people who give respect to get respect. And there are also people who require fear in order to be respectful and those who are respectful naturally.
I noticed this and managed to take advantage of the moment. If he was actually going to be in a respectful mood, he should go talk to the neighbor and tell them about parking their cars.
Technically, this should have been handled last year the first time. The cop should have been Fair instead of either listening to a woman first and foremost or not practicing whatever anti-Semitism or racial prejudice or governmental prejudice that he has in his head. He was not supposed to use this as an opportunity to practice brutality, he was supposed to do his job and create calm in the neighborhood.
But he did listen and he did walk over there which means technically, for the first time since this thing started, my neighbors have had the argument in their ears.
Let’s add another one.
There are people who listen and people who run away from logical arguments. There are also people who practice gibberish and those who practice reason.
What I can understand about this situation is that the woman is fighting for status for the purpose of personal gain. This would be under the rule of bad politicians.
There are leaders who lead to help the community and leaders who wish to help themselves.
The way I see it, she likes having the highest possible status to be free to follow her own whims. She is not interested in listening to anyone else’s argument or anyone else’s voice because she wants to have the power to do what she likes. In this case, the only thing she saw for me was that she didn’t like me because of what I looked like and that she wanted to make sure she had power over me. In her case, she needed to be free to piss on me.
Being mildly brown-skinned, she probably saw this as her comeuppance. Finally, she was not going to be the nigger, she would be the equal to white people because she would have her own nigger to piss on.
There are those who seek power through the diminishment of others and those who do not wish diminishment to be a part of their lives.
I’m saying these words with some sense of authority because I clearly heard that when the policeman asked her about parking her car differently, she laughed a most evil chicken like cackle. In her mind, she had the power and she was within her rights to practice whatever rudeness or torture she saw fit. She was empowered of course by the policeman’s willingness to rape me last year. That he did indeed threaten me with a gun is a big part of things. And she literally walked on to my property doing a little chicken victory dance to tell me that she was now the queen of all and I was free to kiss her chicken ass. I hissed at her and told her to get the fuck off my property. And she left quickly and despite two attempts to have me be kind to her, I Will not waste the effort of a single muscle ever to do so.
So this is the apparatus as my friend Sasha would say. One of the writers that I translated in this book liked to teach me about understanding the apparatus of corruption. He said the trick in following Russian politics was to figure out exactly how they were using their power for personal gain. You could follow the money of course and you could find all of the phony documents and phony businesses that they were hiding behind. All of this was called the apparatus.
I suppose I need to include some thoughts like this in the acknowledgment for the book that I have to write.
There are those who believe the height of intelligence is the ability to get away with crime and those who believe intelligence is living a life without committing any crimes at all.
So we can understand that this active anti-Semitism on the cops part empowered my chicken neighbor. And with this empowerment, she felt free to piss on me and to take pleasure from the distribution of pain.
I could sit here and I could say this is very Russian. I could say that her husband is Russian and I could kind of see how they managed to get together. He was traveling abroad on some kind of work-related thing and she wanted to get the hell out of her economically abused situation. He was a white guy and she…
Well, this is almost completely understandable.
But why was she so willing to sell out her own culture? Why was she so rude to her own people? Why couldn’t she just make the best of it and work a little harder and stay with the people she was from?
So now we’re getting into the realm of mental illness.
There are people who act on evil thoughts and those who allow evil thoughts to pass through them unacted upon. And there are those who seek resolution and those who wish to pour gasoline on fires.
I’m actually getting a little tired of talking about mental illness caused by diet. I have been talking for several years about collective mental illness caused by an economic system designed to keep a particular group of people in power and that they are feeding us not only lies through the media, but food that is extremely bad for us and keeps us all insane. Literally, we are being run by people who wish to keep us in mental illness. They are against health. Personal health and ecological health.
There are people who wish to lead healthy lives and people who do not even understand what a pleasure health is.
There are also people who believe health comes from cleanliness and a healthy lifestyle and those who just don’t want to feel pain or do the work to lead a healthy life.
Listen, I am as lazy as the next guy. I genuinely wish that I had some freedom from the pain I get from doing this work. I am not hysterically doing anything here and I am extremely pleased to have all day to do whatever I want to do. I am not outside of a normal job right now because I am lazy, I have been entrepreneurial because I became tired of having to listen to bosses that believed they had a right to manipulate me unfairly. This was money, this was physical or mental abuse, this was anti-Semitism or prejudice or maybe it was just the Marxian hatred of being exploited. Why did I have to suffer so that other people received compensation for my labors? Why should I be exploited for other people’s profit?
There are those who exploit and those who dislike exploitation. Perhaps there are bosses and workers but there are fair bosses as well as unfair bosses.
How about collectively? I was a boss in the United States. I started my own company. And for while I was doing it, I actually ran my cruise quite collectively. I did not take so much of the profit as to become rich at their expense and I told everybody the economics of every contract we had. I told them how I did my bids, I told them what the time frame of the job would be if they worked professionally or if they were lazy and set it up so that people got paid like pros for working like pros. We worked like pros. Nobody argued, nobody ran away and nobody wore a watch.
These days though, I can’t find anybody to help. Either they are completely enslaved by the financial system or they are enslaved by the political ethos. If I am offering money, there is no end to the people who will come to me. If I’m not offering money, I have endless peace and quiet.
There are those who love to party and there are those who know where the money for the party came from. And there are those who live garbage lives in the hope of a good party and those who live a good life and avoid garbage parties. There are also those who like to pay for parties and those who love it when other people pay for their fun.
So what’s the answer? That’s easy. When I stop talking and typing, a bird is singing outside. The bird has a very specific rhythm in its call. It’s like beep beep tweet tweet beep beep tweet tweet, low to high. I suppose this is the noise from breathing in and the noise from exhaling.
There are those who love noise and those who love quiet.
***
Speaking of rude people, I’ve gotten my answer about my chicken neighbors. Absolutely no change. They wouldn’t consider parking backwards for a million dollars and a house on the hill. I talked to a friend of mine about them and asked what I could possibly do about such people. He told me that she needed the drama and just does it for her own energy. Actually what he said is “the bitch is a vampire. You chose to live there. You got what you paid for”. Those are his words and not mine but I liked the quote so I reprinted it.
But in terms of fairness and the truth, officially, the police did go over there and talk to her yesterday. I know it is a ridiculous point of order, but until yesterday they had officially managed to ignore my request that they simply change their parking a little bit so as to stop throwing automobile emissions into my kitchen. Officially, they have now been informed.
So I guess my next step is to write a paper complaining against their activities. I don’t think I’ve ever done this before and I might need to hire a lawyer. but then again, I have never been able to trust lawyers and that seems like an extra amount of money. I think I can figure this out for myself actually. It’s just a document that you fill out and sign and then they get processed through the court or to the police.
Aside from the ecological problems, and I was told by the lady at the police department that I could directly complain against them ecologically because of the condition of their car etc etc, I can also cite all of the instances of torture and that they have purposely acted to diminish the quality of my life. If I live to be a million, I will never understand how asking someone to just be a little observant about how they Park their cars should lead to them calling me names, laughing at my face, acting as if I don’t exist and literally, practicing anti-semitism. Yes, it is true, I have had the words “heil Hitler” screamed at me from my neighbors.
I would like to make the complaint because I would like to have them cited. Actually, I would like it if she lost her driver’s license because anyone as rude as this person should not be allowed on the roads. However, I have also been told that I should ask for money for physical and moral damages. Again, this is how the courts work. In order to make my point that they have diminished my life, made comments about my character and literally caused the endangerment of my life, I should ask for a lot of money.
The problem with this, is that in order to ask for money from the court, I have to put up a particular amount of money up front. It’s a very strange law but technically, you cannot be poor and then ask for money from the courts. Maybe this is something that the American system should consider but then again, it’s incredibly unfair. Obviously it’s in place to keep people from rising socially through suing other people but nevertheless, in a case like this, it’s just more rudeness.
But I am pretty angry and if I were to start with the value of their piece of shit house, that might be worth the investment. Why not? If they are going to play Russian roulette with me and literally poison me, poison me, as a way of being intentionally bad neighbors, why shouldn’t I take their house or try to? If they are going to be this rude, I should go for the throat.
I told the cop yesterday that we would never be friends. And if, as my other friend suggested, this is simply tsigan activity, this would be how locals refer to gypsies who specifically do things to take your money, in Russian the word is шонтажниtsа, chantage, blackmail. This is obviously emotional blackmail but it could just as easily be for money. They would not be the first people going after the American thinking he was an easy mark. And again, they’ve been keeping up this shit for a year.
Needless to say, I am pretty upset.
I thought I would take the day off from labor but I ended up going out to the field. I laid out one more small bed in the last remaining territory near the bean field. And I thought I would lay out a little bit of the upper field but I ran out of energy. I broke up the land in that small portion and raked it a bit and then started beating at the other gardens but just lost it. I wouldn’t say it’s hot, but the sun has a hard quality to it. It’s not a gentle sun, it’s A hard Sun and it takes your energy away worse than the neighbors. Or maybe it’s a combination of both or maybe I just worked too hard yesterday.
Or maybe it was spending money. I got together with my ex partner and we put an order in to be delivered on Monday. We ordered about 250 kilos of planting soil, a speed square to help me do some cuts for when I put the gutters in on the barn roof and my new digging tool. I will need to replace the handle with something a bit longer but I now have something that’s good for digging and for maintaining gardenland. I’m happy.
So right now the plan is to get on the train tomorrow morning. There are two markets that I need to visit, three if I count the place where I get my sunflower seeds, and then I’ll get a chance to clean up a little bit at my ex partners apartment.
You know, I am notoriously warm-hearted when it comes to people who put up some effort to get my attention. I could tell any number of stories where I gave people chances just because they wanted to talk to me. And as I’m sitting here riding these words, I keep trying to think of something nice to say about my neighbor. Most of my thoughts center on mental health problems. I could also say that historically, she’s been on the shit end of the stick because of her own racial disadvantages in this monoculture. I could also say something about diet and health and that nobody has ever taught her anything about taking care of her heart so that it works all by itself. These would be reasons to give the person a break.
But that’s all bullshit. When the cop walked over to her house, she laughed when he told her about my complaint and then the first answer to come out of her face was that parking backwards would be uncomfortable for her. Меня неудобны паркировать так. Or something very close to that.
Seriously, do I have a bitch of a neighbor or what?
The only thing I have to say is that it is no wonder that the husband travels. If I had to be with this woman all the time, I would consider leaving the planet post haste. Poor henpecked bastard. I don’t like him either.
***
My friend just texted me. He said она животное, she’s an animal. Again, this sort of thing is not my personal philosophy but when you have a good quote, you might as well pass it on.
***
Yeah, today was not my most active day. Maybe I’ve been eating too much or maybe I just got to my limit of physical abilities. Or maybe it was just my chicken neighbors stealing yet more energy from me. There are those who demand all the attention in the world and those who are okay if left alone. I am more happy in the second group. I don’t really enjoy attention when I get it. I’m talking about random occurrences. I’m talking about people who decide to call me out of the blue and people who decide to approach me because they think they know something. I don’t ever remember any of these meetings ever bringing me the slightest happiness.
I don’t really know what to say. It’s all just so bloody disappointing.
This week’s Torah portion is called shemini, on the 8th day, and it’s more about making sacrifices and eating meat and rules for the coins, the priests. This is also really where they talk about what animals are kosher and what animals are not kosher. There are certain rules about what animals are good and what animals are bad to eat.
I’ve said this before but if the thought of being kosher ever occurs to you, this has nothing to do with being Jewish but if the thought that perhaps you would be eating cleaner food by being kosher struck you, I might point out that the most complicated rules come for eating meat. And in fact this business if not mixing milk and meat doesn’t just destroy cheeseburgers, which is a very good idea by the way, it often leads to seriously Orthodox people having double kitchens. They have two sets of dishes and sometimes two refrigerators and two ovens.
One of the coolest realizations I’ve had since becoming vegan is that I’m basically automatically kosher. If you’re not really interested in following a complex set of guidelines about what you can and cannot eat, just letting the meat go is a very easy way to be clean. That’s what the word kosher means. Halal means the same thing by the way. Almost identical.
And there’s also two other sections that are worthy of note. In Leviticus 10:17, Moses finds out that Aaron did not eat the barbecue. There was some question in his mind about whether it was holy or not but to be optimistic, maybe he just didn’t want the cholesterol. There’s also a second point made when Moses tells him that he absolutely should not drink when he is in the temple.
Not to take anything away from Russians, but talking about what’s kosher and what’s not and basically saying that there are some second thoughts concerning shashlik and vodka, maybe the truth is that we just don’t want it. Maybe the truth is that it’s just too problematic. Maybe the truth is, these things are just not good for us.
When I was in Minsk, I would often go to this fried chicken place. I would go there and tell myself I was giving myself a treat. It was very self justifying. It was a party food for me, a holdover from America. There were a lot of thoughts in my head about going there for chicken and I used to dream about it. And then I stopped but this thought process regarding the chicken stayed with me for a long time. I really had to work my way through it by thinking carefully if I genuinely wanted it. Basically I analyzed it to death before finally coming to the realization that I really didn’t want it. It wasn’t doing me any good, it was absolutely horrible for my health and after a while, it all seemed like so much self-abuse. I wasn’t actually going after something tasty, I was looking for a narcotic, something to knock me out or calm me down.
I went through the same thing for pizza. I would think about it really hard. I mean, it’s so easy, you just call them and they deliver it and you give them some money and then you have pizza. But once I quit animals, I guess I suddenly had the brain capacity to reason through it. How much money was I spending for bread and leftovers? I mean, that’s all pizza is. It’s white bread with some cow secretions and carcinogenic meat products. It’s not good for you.
But it was in there. Mostly, I would get the urge for junk food at about 5:00. That was the end of the day and my mind started whirling about getting something tasty to eat. I don’t know whether it was how much money I decided I was wasting or how little benefit I was getting from this food, but suddenly I really needed to think through this. If pizza was just bread with cheese and sauce on it, what was it that I really wanted? After a while, I realized that I just wanted the fresh bread but with no really good bread available in this town, I decided it was toast with some tomatoes and this became my go-to.
I mean, why spend 10 bucks on a pizza when you can get exactly the same thing for two bucks?
I guess this is when I became serious about cooking too. Suddenly, I didn’t want factory food anymore. I didn’t want this lousy Pizza that was available and I really didn’t need chicken. Whatever I was really thinking of, whether it be some massive amount of carbs or perhaps something a little bit more oily. Or noodles. I am a noodle fanatic so sometimes I really just wanted something similar to Chinese food. And all of this was easy enough to make and what is more, I could control the ingredients and actually make something for myself that was good for me.
It’s not hard to add a little bean flour in there. I still like having some white flour around because it has that thing that perhaps I need. But I never make anything with just white flour. I always cut it with whole wheat flour or bean flour. My ex partner never uses the stuff and she uses linseed to substitute for the lack of gluten. I use chia seeds.
I guess what I’m talking about is that even on a depressing day like today, when I wanted to make something to eat for dinner, all I did is put some vegetables in the blender with some split peas and a few sunflower seeds and let it all blend together until I got a very rich and creamy soup. It doesn’t take that long for this to get thick and tasty. And I made it really spicy too. Why not? It was a fine dinner and it filled me up and I was happy to sit and eat for a while.
The difference comes in that I don’t lose my mind. I don’t get drunk off it and I don’t get a deep drug feeling. That was the thing that had me looking for fried chicken or pizza. It was to have my brain disappear, to get wrecked. I used to get drunk on this food.
But what I ate for dinner didn’t get me drunk. The soup I had just kind of satisfied me and made me feel not hungry. I don’t know that I became dull witted or slow. I just kind of relaxed because I wasn’t hungry.
Maybe this is the best reason in the world. When you stop eating garbage, you stop having these emotional highs and lows. When you start eating clean food, it’s not so much of a roller coaster anymore. When you remove the animals from your diet, it seems like a lot of the fear, paranoia and stress goes away. You stop worrying so much about things. You don’t lose your mind, you keep your mind and by not wrecking yourself, you start getting smarter. At least I think so.
Anyway, this is a lot of talk about not getting drunk and trying to be kosher. I’m not saying that I like the world on fire but I’m not trying to like the world on fire. I’m not trying to light any fires at all. I don’t want to fight with anybody and I don’t really like people fighting with me. I don’t like being rude with people and I hate to have rude people put their hands on me. All I’m saying is I prefer the clarity. I’m just not impressed by Insanity anymore.
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