Wednesday, November 2nd 2022
It is 3:23 a.m. and I guess this is how I sleep these days. This seems to be a habit. I don’t particularly mind it. I like what it feels like late at night when the world is quiet. These are the most peaceful moments of my life.
This is someone taking a picture out the window of the international space station. I can’t help feeling that the blue color of the planet Earth is one of the most beautiful things a human eye can see. My guess is that no one can look at this picture and not believe but it is ridiculously beautiful. You don’t need to be a psychologist to understand why people think this color is so beautiful. It is because this is our home. This color is possibly the most ingrained piece of beauty any of us could ever see because it is our home and the only one we will ever know.
My father taught me never to shit in my own backyard. This is not talking about homes without plumbing. This is talking about making fights with your neighbors and bringing scandals to the place you live. The advice of avoiding scandals and living quietly at home means you have the opportunity for peace in the place that you sleep. I would think that most people would understand that this is wisdom.
But the real thought that comes into my head is about polluting your home and bringing trash into it. One of the reasons that this particular color of blue seems so beautiful is that it is possibly the cleanest most life-affirming picture you could see. It seems to be of water and fresh clean air. It is a picture of absolute life. I would think the last thing any of us would ever want to do would be to poison this. Why would you put poisons into this picture?
The mistake is somewhere in this thought. The mistake is constant and self reproducing. We never stop making this mistake. But somewhere exactly in this question is the problem that needs to be fixed.
***
I don’t have much to do. I have a few things to collect and put in my bike bag. I’m assuming the road to the train is okay but I definitely have to change the front tire on my bike because I have a flat. Either I do this or I do my day by taxi cab. If I do it by bike, it will be efficient and cost-effective. I will have the most freedom of movement and I might even enjoy the day. If I take the cab or the bus, it’s a lot of standing around and waiting for buses. I’m not going to do all of my business on crutches and I don’t believe in my ability to just walk the day.
I’m also not particularly hungry but I’m thinking of food. I think I want to eat something. I’m also thinking that they are starting game 3 of the World series in Philadelphia right now. I was thinking of sitting in the kitchen Cafe and watching the ball game and maybe he’s eating some buckwheat with onions and maybe some chickpeas. I don’t think you can go wrong with buckwheat onions and chickpeas. Maybe a few potatoes in there as well.
If I take the cab, the day will end up costing me about $40. Maybe 30 if I don’t do too much moving around. Possibly more if I get charged by the bureaucracy. I don’t think there will be a cost on this but there might be. I have to do my land registration today. This is what all of those inspections were about. All of that nonsense with the land inspector looking for the final millimeter of my property line all led to a piece of paper that says basically exactly what the paper said when I got the place. The only difference is a few pieces of steel that got stuck in the ground, a few bits of the forest got trampled and I got visited by a very nervous inspector four times. I don’t even want to think about that.
If I take my bike, there is going to be some pain. I don’t think I mind the work of putting a new inner tube on my bike. I haven’t done bike work in a while but technically, I did spend a great proportion of My Life as a bike mechanic. I don’t have a proper bike stand right now. I don’t have space to do bike mechanics. I don’t even have a life that lends itself to being a bike mechanic now. I definitely don’t have money or an income or the desire to build up any of the above to go back to being a bike mechanic. Truthfully, I think I’d rather invest in woodworking. I have a lot of wood lying around and I seem to enjoy building things with it. I think I like that a lot better for my future.
If I call a cab, I have a very wealthy feeling day. It’s an easy day without too much exercise in it. It’s just a quiet day with some conversation in it and minimal moving around. I can pretend I am a millionaire and just notifying my chauffeur that we have some business. I can pretend that I am my friend, the millionaire from town. He travels all the time and usually has a driver so that he can sit in the back and pay attention to his business. I won’t be doing that. I would be bullshitting with the cab drivers.
Of course, if I put the bike together and make this ride it will be a good solid physical workout. The weather is cool and the roads will be hard. You always feel kind of alive when riding bikes in the late fall and early winter. Inclement weather makes bike riding more challenging. It’s also good for the heart and a challenge to your senses. I’ve made this bike ride many times and there’s really nothing in it but a little bit of pain and some skill. It takes a bit of determination to be physical about moving yourself around and of course the last thing I want to do is be caught as a pedestrian in town.
Somebody pointed out that all I do is think. This is probably true. I think that thinking is something I do really well. I definitely like the results of some of the things I think about. Sometimes I make mistakes. But most of the time, my mistakes come because I didn’t do my diligence thinking. I think that this is one of the biggest problems in the world. We never do our due diligence. We never think about it before we react and in fact we lionize people who are completely thoughtless, selfish and even destructive. We pay money to watch films of completely thoughtless, selfish and destructive people. We seem to enjoy bloodshed and murder and mayhem and wasting money because this is our new idea of freedom.
I don’t know what I want to do with this day. The cab company won’t mind if I call them. But then again, I don’t get so many chances for really interesting bike rides these days. A really interesting bike ride requires a place to go and some purpose in it. Just getting on your bike for exercise is all well and good. It’s okay if you have a route. You can choose to do something specifically just so there’s exercise in it. But I was a New York City bike courier. I know the truth. The best rides are the purposeful ones where the bike is simply a tool to get you where you need to go. That’s when you’re really doing something interesting. That’s when you know you’re a good person for getting your job done without adding to the pollution of the world.
Yeah, a cab ride would be nice. I could pretend I was rich for a day and have my driver pick me up and take me where I need to go. The people I’m visiting are all car people. I suppose I’d even be making Vlad Putin happy by taking a car. I don’t mean to get political about this. That’s kind of like shitting in my own backyard to do so. I’m just saying that I could do the lazy version and it would be much easier for me and faster. Or I could take the trouble to fix my front wheel and just ride it. There will be a little more pain in this variant. Probably a lot more pain truthfully. But also it’s generally healthier.
If I remember correctly, the train is 10 minutes after 10:00 at one station, the one with the single track in it and 10 minutes straight up at the other train station with the ridiculously bumpy road and the miserable access to the platform. Either one gets me into town on time for my first meeting. Right now it’s a little before 4:00 a.m. and the baseball game is on. I have about 5 hours to make this decision. Right now, I’m thinking buckwheat and baseball. And of course a nice hot cup of tea. Let’s start with that.
***
Shit. I can’t fix this flat. I don’t have any glue and I don’t have a spare inner tube the correct size. The inner tube that I have is for my other wheelset and I don’t want to ride that wheel set. I could. I really could. If it holds air, I could.
The problem is only that the tires are very thin and the roads to get out of here are nasty. Once I get to the train, I’m fine and in town, I’m fine.
There are some issues with this though. I don’t know how important these issues are but there are some issues. If I put on my other Wheels and I have a problem with them, I am absolutely stuck and I’m late for all my appointments. This is not the end of the world but I would have been a lot happier to take my most dependable version of my bike. As usual, I might be overthinking this and once I got started, I might consider myself a fool for having worried about it.
Or I could take a cab.
Breakfast was really good. The Phillies are crushing the Astros. I don’t have any rubber cement to patch my tires. I don’t want to trust duct tape or to tie a knot in my inner tube. I could use my old wheel set but I’m worried about getting through the sand with it and harming them. They really are nice Wheels. I also haven’t been on them in about two and a half years and I don’t particularly trust the rubber.
It might be fun riding the old wheel set. It’s probably going to be a nice day. It’ll be cool and dry, perfect bicycling weather and it might be fun getting around town on my old wheel set. They really are very fast.
Or I can call a cab.
Okay, I’m going to pump up my old wheel set and then leave them for an hour or so and come take a look. If they are holding air, I have an argument. If they are not holding air, I have to call a cab.
A cab and some buses might not be so bad. It’ll be less wear and tear on my leg. There will actually be more walking on concrete if I don’t have my bike. There will definitely be less walking if I call a cab.
Why didn’t I think of this earlier? Why did I put so much faith in my tires not going flat? Why didn’t I check out my stuff and find out if I was ready to play or not? Why did I get so lazy about my bike?
Oh yeah, because I went to the hospital for my leg last year. I went to the hospital for my leg last year and bicycling hasn’t been fun at all this year even the few times I’ve been able to do it. It’s not that much fun anymore to ride. That’s why I stopped investing in my bike.
Okay, here I am right here and right now. I’m going to go pump up those tires because it’s something to do and it’s not going to hurt anybody. I will get an answer from the rubber within an hour or so and then I will be able to make my decision.
And I’ll probably just call a cab.
Tell Vlad Putin he’s gotten to victories off me in 2 days. Tell him that I hope he’s happy and that I do not plan on making a habit of this.
Also tell him that there are some really beautiful decorative trees that make wonderful property dividing hedges. I do want to retain my privacy from my neighbors on the back side of my house. These are the idiots that thoughtlessly cut down their orchard because… God only knows why. But there are some really beautiful trees that are not necessarily fruit trees but purely decorative or that provide food for pollinators or a home for bees. He should consider that and that he should go to Sochi and take it easy. He’s 70 and you only have so many years on this planet before you head off of it. Better to enjoy the time you have. Nobody needs the stress at this age.
But definitely pick up a bicycle that you like. It’s excellent for going to the store or getting around town. And if you feel like it, you can go for nice rides on the country roads and enjoy the fresh air. You should try it sometime. It’s a lot more fun than War.
***
Well, I called a cab. I am standing in front of the registration office. It is 10:00 a.m. and I am generally on time for all of my business. The registration office of course needed more of my money. They always need more money. And, believe it or not, I’m not done yet. I have to come back here sometime after next Wednesday to pick up my papers. There was a faster method to expedite this but that would have meant coming back this evening and I just don’t want to do that.
As to why I have to pay money, the genuine explanation is because my plot of land has changed. I wish I was joking about this. Literally, I did not purchase or ask for any more land. I was told that I have the right to do this after the first of the year. I did nothing but try to make the inspector’s life better. But now, for some reason I will never understand, they now tell me that my actual territory has changed. The change that they are talking about is less than 5 square meters. I’m not joking. Less than 5 square meters but this means it has changed and so they are charging me another two payments about equal to what I paid for the inspector to come out just to get my new documents. I have no choice in this, there is nothing else I can do but pay this and it’s just bullshit.
The entire time that the inspector was on my property, and this includes all four visits that she made, I kept telling her that it’s not very important and she was welcome to just click the exact same buttons as last time. I wasn’t arguing for more space and frankly, there is no possible argument with my neighbors because I have a very strong fence separating me from the chicken people and the other folks don’t even live here anymore and could care less about that part of their property. They obviously haven’t touched it in 10 years and it is all just forest now.
Nevertheless, she battled and scrapped for every possible millimeter. She came in the rain, she came in the Sun and she even came back again for yet another visit when it was completely over and done and absolutely nobody cared one bit just to tell me that she had added one half of a meter more land to the other side of the plum tree that basically separates our properties. That little movement just cost me $130 rubles.
Thank you very much, I appreciate the hard work and I hope you enjoy the party that you get with my money.
Now, the reason I am riding cabs today is that when I decided to go for my sporty wheel set, I found that I had already removed the inner tube from the front wheel there because of a flat. Like I said, I haven’t been on that wheel set in almost 3 years and I had forgotten that I had never done the bike work to keep it up. I always figured I would get to it when I needed it.
So check and mate and I called the cab company.
I got my usual guy and everybody was happy to see each other. We made jokes about being vegan and not being vegan. We made jokes about the war. He enjoys sitting completely opposite me. I appreciate that I have a guy who drives a car he gets me where I need to go occasionally and acts pleasant about it. I guess I don’t mind but this is turning out to be an expensive day.
I have only one more important stop and then I am done except for hanging out with my ex partner.
More later. My cab is here.
***
It’s 6:30 and I am in the dark in my ex partner’s apartment. She’s in the kitchen making something for herself to eat but I am not hungry. She had these round hard bread snacks on her table and I ate a bunch of them with some tea. I’m sure they had some sugar in them and I just don’t need to eat anything else.
The rest of the day went exactly as planned. The only additional thing that I did was to walk through a supermarket and I found some inexpensive Asian bean noodles. I’m in love with these things. I don’t think they’re really very healthy for you but I love them.
You have to be a noodle person. Not everybody falls in love with noodles. I think I come by honestly. My father was in love with Asian things. I think he had an affair in the army with a Japanese girl in Korea and that was pretty much the end of it for him. He instilled in me a love of eating with chopsticks and how wonderful it is to have a flavorful noodle dish to slurp up. For the most part, I think my own cooking has more Asian influence than anything else. And yes, I still eat with chopsticks every chance I can get. I don’t remember the last time I used a fork. And I cut up my food before I make it so there’s no need for a knife except for cutting up apples. I prefer to cut up my apples.
But all my meetings were okay. I met with a partner of mine and he looks very tired. The war is taking its toll on everybody and the money is getting harder and harder to find. I don’t know why they put sanctions on civilians. There’s really no difference between blanket sanctions and throwing bombs in the middle of cities. If you want to hit a military Target, this would be like hitting one particular individual and cutting him off. I don’t know why they have to throw people who’ve been living in poverty for 30 years into more severe poverty. It’s like trying to rape a prostitute already. I don’t even think we feel it anymore. Nobody’s afraid of it and nobody even cares. It’s just more bullshit.
I did everything by taxi cab today and I even got a sincere thank you from the dispatcher for calling so many times. It was a comfortable day of bullshiting with my friend. I don’t mind riding in a car like this. It’s great luxury and it’s very fast and it takes all the stress off of getting from one place to another. But I understand that there is great stress here in town. I’ve drifted off to another world, another planet. But here people are really dealing with a situation that they don’t like and don’t need and don’t want. Everybody’s trying to be normal and nobody really has a choice about it. Nobody can stop this machine but nobody is enjoying the ride.
I took a nice bath though. I do keep myself clean but I haven’t had a hot bath in a very long time. I’m not convinced I need this on a daily basis anymore. I think it’s kind of overrated. As far as my smell goes, I know what I smell like. I smell like smoke. Not cigarette smoke or anything like that, just the hardwoods and the fruit woods that I burned in my fireplace. It’s a very pleasant smokiness and when I’m away from the warm room for a while and then I go through the door and I can smell something from a distance, it never smells terrible in there. It helps eating vegan food and not drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes or eating sausages. This is the normal stench for men around here.
Probably the cab rides were a very good choice for my legs. I felt pretty good walking around and didn’t have any problems at all doing anything. And when I was in the bathtub and had a look, everything looked okay. I’m not hurting anybody.
My ex partner however told me I look fat. This is a really interesting comment because in my life I really have been fat. But my clothes fit very loosely. Even the last pair of jeans that I bought comes on and off without effort and still has a few centimeters of room along the beltline. I have not become fat. It’s possible that I’ve become a bit more solid. I think probably somewhere towards the end of my two months on the couch I had become a bit scrawny. I noticed my arms had become thin from lack of use. I probably have reinvigorated my muscles a bit.
Physically, even with the leg problems, I like who I am a lot more than who I was a few years ago. I have pictures of myself at my most rotund and I can’t believe I ever allowed myself to be that big. I must have been completely out of my mind. I must have been working without any synaptic ability to comprehend reality. I must have been living a completely emotional life. I am so much happier now. I am much more clear. I don’t want to go back.
But I didn’t notice today that I’m having a hard time communicating with people. When I say things to them, they don’t really listen when I speak. They all seem to be bringing their own ideas into the conversation and speaking to stimulus that I can’t understand. I know what it is. I know it’s the food. All the people I met with today are all meat eaters and they have this agenda. I’m quite sure the agenda is just from the fat that goes through their body that disallows them from living their true natural lives. I do not believe humans are omnivores. A simple glance pragmatically at humans says this is not true.
Or maybe it is something different. Maybe it is all the reading and writing and thinking that makes a difference. Maybe it is that I still cling to an idealism. Maybe it’s because I still believe that there are moral absolutes and certain ways to treat people. I still find myself by habit trying to be kind or even making jokes even though I’m probably the only one who does these things anymore.
I guess I could also bring electronics into this. Most everybody gets their thrills and stimulations through electronic media. This is way more than just the political shit that people get into. People get stirred up and excited so much that actual life at a real human pace does not impress people anymore. It’s just not enough unless it’s jacked up to excitement level. This and people expect to be entertained and entertained without any responsibility for themselves. No one has to participate except for the flick of a finger.
Of course I’m guilty of this as well. I probably don’t need to wax so poetic here in the dark in my ex partner’s apartment. I know she’s trying to be nice to me but I also know that there is a reason why she is my ex partner and why we are not partners in life. We are separate people. I don’t mind this. I don’t mind free agency and I like that we are good friends and that she is around. I know she loves me and she knows I love her too.
The world we live in however has truly changed. What we have right now is nothing that any of us old people ever grew up with. All the lessons of our youth are all gone and out the window. The Soviet Union crashed 30 years ago and there are so many people on the planet who never learned those lessons or participated in that culture. There are so many humans on the planet who have never lived a day of their life without a telephone in their hand. There are people who will never understand what it used to be like.
I know that in previous generations, talking to my grandparents or even people of my parents’ generation, there was a time when there was no television. There was a time when entertainment meant live theater or music. My parents probably grew up without a radio where the only way to amuse yourself was to talk with friends. I grew up with a television and it was a massive influence on me. But I had to be in the room with that damn thing. Now, people just carry their meteor around in their hand, everybody has an electronic friend now who knows exactly how to amuse them and never leaves them a boring moment.
I tried to tell my ex partner about this. I tried to tell her what it’s like living without clocks. I tried to tell her what it feels like not to be on a schedule where you must get dressed and you must be there and you must act like something for long periods of time. I understand what she does and that she feels completely normal to exist within the framework that has been given to her and that gives her money every week to live on. I understand the world that she has gone into and how normal it is and exactly how many millions upon millions of people live for this exact same schedule as if no other possible way exists.
I was an independent though. I have been an independent my whole life. I never liked corporate life. I couldn’t take it and I wasn’t good at it and didn’t even feel like asking them for jobs. I don’t even understand how people can be so subservient and present themselves with such obedience just to have the approval of some HR person. I went a different direction. I took The road less taken and indeed, it has made all the difference.
Yeah, I had a job yesterday and I spent the day working with the text. It was not anything to be particularly proud of but nobody seems to get that. Everybody says that I should be happy that someone wants to pay me for something. Nobody cares whether the ideas are butchered or not. It’s all about working for money and everybody does what they have to do for money and nobody wants to hear any ideas about anything else. Any ideas about anything else are just a waste of their time. Better to play with our telephones.
I don’t know. Today was a pretty good day. I’m pretty happy that I got done with everything I needed to get done. I think I did a pretty good job of negotiating people. I found some noodles and these will make some dishes at my house a little tastier over the next while. I got finished with all my business and got to say hi to some people I know. Tomorrow morning I’m going to take one more cab back home and then I will just be there again.
I really hope they never shoot rockets at this place. It’s crazy here. People are absolutely flipping mad. The place is nuts. But still, I really hope they don’t get bombed. They may be crazy but they just don’t deserve people shooting rockets at them. Not at all.
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