Wednesday, September 21st 2022

It’s 9:30 a.m. and I think this is my latest start I’ve ever done. It’s a combination of things but today is a pretty deep dark day. My leg is really bad. I now have a second problem to contend with and I don’t think I can walk at all. I don’t think I can use this thing, thank you very much. Yes, I should probably go to the hospital but even if I do, it’s not going to be for at least a couple of days. Maybe even a week or two. I know this sounds crazy but I just want to see this project through to the end.

I could explain it but I’m not going to. It’s almost irrelevant. What I really want to do is find a lawyer to go after that bureaucrat in Minsk. I’m sure there are some laws that exist that would prohibit every single thing she has done. But more than that, if I was running an organization with this woman in it, this is the woman who has specifically held me back bureaucratically for the sake of making me pay extortion, that whatever talking she has done and politicking is an absolute cancer within the organization. They are not a for-profit agency. Their job is to do their job the best they can and nothing else. When they don’t open their mouth, they are heroes and nobody would say otherwise. When you have a cunt like this, the whole place loses its soul. She should never be allowed to work in this profession again.

In the meantime, all of these righteous legal fights aside, I don’t really want to go to the hospital. I hate the hospital. I hate being in there and what’s worse, it’s a logistical nightmare. I don’t want to eat their food, I don’t want to be subjected to their diseases, I don’t wish to be poked and prodded and screamed at by arrogant nurses, I don’t want to be placated by arrogant doctors and I don’t want to be assaulted by nationalist fascist freaks thinking this is their opportunity to fuck with the United States of America or Jews or whatever their fucking objectification problem is. I don’t want to be stuck out in this sickness hell for anything less than a life and death emergency.

I am so tired of having to make these sorts of decisions. I am so tired of living this compromised lifestyle. All I wanted was to get away from the bullshit of life in town and go somewhere where the air was a little cleaner and I could have a little garden. I am so tired of living in this country. There is no other way to say it. This place is a complete and utter sickness.

Conversely, because of my relationship to Americans, I have no opportunities to return on any level that would be any better. I cannot afford American Life. I don’t have enough money for an American apartment. I don’t want to be stuck in social services. I don’t want to be around the noise. I don’t want to be stuck in similar medical situations and with similar abusive staff and lunatic residents. There is no way to have the autonomy I have right now back in the States and I cannot move my life to any other place in the world that’ll even give me the 99% quiet and fresh air I get here. I just can’t fucking walk and I can’t trust the medical profession to do its job.

You know, this blog was supposed to be about something. I started daily writing almost 3 years ago for the sake of props adding a public voice to the political arena. I have and had no desire to join politics or be a politician. Personally, I don’t think politics should be a profession. I think government should be non-profit. Think about that for a minute. The moment that people have jobs and careers in politics or governmental work, there is corruption and power and a hierarchy. We don’t have people just doing their jobs because they need to as a public service. We have people worrying about themselves. That means corruption.

I mean, at its absolute essence, government is not supposed to be glamorous. Government is not supposed to be a place for flashy clothes. Government is not supposed to be a place where gigantic amounts of the public trust is spent just driving around in cars and making appearances where you talk and say something. Government is supposed to be simply making good use of public funds to facilitate the happiness of the public. This business of lawmaking, entitlement of the Rich and De-entitlement of the poor is essentially corruption. All of these little compromises when people start demanding to have the right to dictate morality over others while they themselves are above the law is insanity. It just doesn’t work nor does it make sense. It’s organized abuse.

Even if you have people with their heart in the right place. Take for example this land inspector. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what she was thinking. I don’t know if she had any alternative ideas for making this damn thing last as long as she did. But still, what a complete and utter waste of time the entire process was. I mean, is that the entire point of having an overstuffed bureaucracy? Is it the only purpose of having a government that it supports a gigantic amount of people for their livelihood? 

Why don’t we just give everybody access to food, clothing, shelter, reasonable medicine and necessary education and work together to make sure that we’re all healthy, happy and entertained as we go about the work of living well on the planet. What the hell is so complicated about that?

I mean seriously, let’s say we actually have enough intelligence to know that a species will outlive its residence if it eats itself out of food. We see this all the time that species come and go based upon their ability to feed themselves. We know exactly what a cancer cell is. We know that it eats all available resources and in doing so, consumes everything around it. Is there some particular reason that we need to model humanity on the stupidest level of nature? If we understand how life works, isn’t it possible we can think our way through the problem collectively and allow human beings to happily live in a sustainable manner on the planet?

Because the truth is that our son will someday Nova and that will be it. The truth is that there might be some kind of ridiculous cosmic cataclysm and some Rock runs into the planet and that’s it. I mean, who knows, it might even be just a deterioration of our orbit or any sort of thing that genuinely pushes the ecology of our habitat to a point where we just don’t live here anymore. It’s not that this might happen, it’s going to happen just exactly like all of us are going to die someday. Nobody lives forever. There are fantasies as you like but all men and women, all people and all other animals and animate life on this ball have a period of time for their existence. Everybody has a beginning, a bit of time to walk around, and then we go right back to the Earth and become a part of the food chain. That’s the way it goes. It’s never been any other way and it never will be no matter how much cocaine you take, how much money you have, how many lives you can ruin or what brand of shampoo you use. We get what we get and that’s life.

I just don’t understand why we need to make ourselves so miserable in the process. I don’t understand why we all have to be puppets in this cruel game just so a few fat baggy white people get to play marionettes. I don’t understand why the fuck we have to live our lives simply for the bloodthirsty pleasure of a bunch of vampires.

Okay, I am saying the truth. I am expressing my belief of what I see as the truth of life. I’m sure there are explanations and if this was some kind of 1984 situation and I got dragged in to talk to O’Brien himself, the man would probably explain to me how most people don’t really have conscious thought and that keeping people occupied is how we create society.

“But what about corruption and exploitation?”

“The controlling class is made up of the same people and we also need to keep them busy and occupied.”

Fuck me.

The motivation to start writing today came from my ex partner checking in with me. She probably checked and saw that nothing had happened yet.

I really didn’t sleep very much last night. It started almost from the beginning. The bread was really tasty but it wasn’t really complex enough to cause a digestion down. You need to add more complex carbs to cause your system to work hard enough. Even though there was some protein and fat in the mix, it was still just a piece of bread and it was more something that you eat to have energy for the day than to relax in the evening.

Or maybe that wasn’t all of it. Maybe it was just a pain and swelling in my leg. I’ve got it wrapped right now to keep the swelling down. Maybe I should have been wrapping it for the last few days. Maybe I just can’t stand giving this life that I’m living anymore. There are a million things but basically, there was no chance to go to sleep.

So I was up and down most of the night. I probably didn’t need that fire. The room was actually warm enough without it. I don’t need to talk about this, I just didn’t sleep and by the time I got to morning, my brain was just a mess. The only thing I’m thinking of as being even moderately important is if Ghenna shows up with the straw this morning, I’ve got to at least get to the front gate to let him in and after that, he’s pretty self-sufficient. But I am not walking around today. I just can’t do it. I truthfully don’t know how I’m going to manage all of the basics of life I need to do, but I’m going to do it and that’s it. I don’t have any other choice.

On a positive note, I think I have a possibility of acquiring an I-walk. These things are a little spendy but it would allow a substantial amount of mobility and ability to function over the next while. No matter what happens to me and no matter what kind of medical care I’m going to require, if I at least have the ability to have my hands free, life has its possibilities. Nothing is perfect and I don’t know what the negatives of this thing is but it is a necessary solution. At least it’s something.

I built something like this for myself a long time ago. This was when my leg problems first began. At the time, nobody had actually invented this yet. I went online and looked around for similar designs where you can simply rest your knee on a platform instead of having a pair of crutches go under your arms. Who knows? Maybe I could have been a millionaire by throwing myself into such a thing. Unfortunately, I didn’t and all I did was put together a couple of platforms that didn’t work very well. These guys seem to have figured out how to allow enough support and have a way to keep you firmly attached.

In the best case scenario, I should have availability to this by Friday or at the latest, Sunday.

From a budgetary standpoint however, this is the last nail in the coffin for ordering topsoil this year. I wasn’t really sure that we needed it, I was definitely sure I didn’t want to do the 100 wheelbarrow trips to get it in place and now, I can’t afford it.

But maybe relief is in sight. This doesn’t solve the problem of the blackmailer in the Belarusian medical system, it does not solve my actual health problems but it’s a potential relief and an instrument to improve quality of life no matter what the future holds for me. No matter what happens to me physically, I will at least be able to get around in a pinch. At least I hope so. At least I hope so.

***

Well, the deal is done and we made the purchase. Delivery will be sometime between Friday and Sunday. I’m not going to refuse Saturday delivery. Normally, I do absolutely no business on Saturdays but in this case, I guess it’s a reasonable exception.

I do have to get moving one way or another. It’s getting to be about zero hour for my man to show up and whether I like it or not, I need to start moving.

By the way, I don’t know who these guys are or how they have my number but I just got this message on my phone. It says that 22 September, the autumnal equinox, is the day without automobiles. Belarus is in favor of clean Air and you should leave your car at home. I don’t know how effective this is or who these people are but may God take Grace on their souls.

***

You know, there are two types of information coming from Ukraine. I’m talking about the non-russian governmental propaganda sort. Unfortunately, you get heroic and optimistic information about the potential Ukrainian victory. But then you also get some grizzly information about how Savage this whole thing is on the ground.

Hiring prisoners to fight in Ukraine

In Izum under the Russians

It’s extremely hard for me to tolerate these images. It’s extremely hard for me to tolerate pretty much everything. I would prefer to simply turn off the media and worry about other things. Unfortunately, so many people around me don’t pay attention to these things or they are simply blocked from their internet. It seems all they get fed is the nationalistic propaganda. Unfortunately, that stuff is even more depressing to look at.

In response however, we have yet another faux political move. The illusion of democracy used to further and already cloudy and userish ideology.

Like the guy says, there is no doubt really about what the “official” result will be. The region is known for its exquisite elections. To me, it all only amounts to getting more misery. Life never gets better.

And here’s one more by the way, Putin has put out a public speech. You can use the automated captions if you want to if you don’t speak Russian. 

Other than all of the things you would expect him to say, my one observation is that it seems that status is the only thing that is important. A country has status, a government has status, the soldiers have a particular status whether they are volunteers or not. It seems that status is the only thing that means anything and when he uses these words and speaks about who is who, for some reason he expects complete acceptance of these status reports as fact.

But it’s way more than this. Acceptance of dominance seems to be the only thing the culture demands. It does not want critical thinking, it does not want people taking a vested interest in their communities, the ruling bodies only want compliance to status and nothing else matters. This is what they teach, this is what they preach and this is how they live.

But if you take this at absolute face value, it means an automatic diminishment of each individual’s life. It means there is an irrevocable non-truth that no one can argue or even complain about. Policy is dictated and those who have the right and privilege to dictate policy seem to have the right to create policy that says only their words matter despite logic or damage caused.

Well, why is it so impossible to live next door to my neighbors? They believe in their heart they have a higher status than me. This is all they need to know. They are untouchable and I am garbage. When the cop comes into the village and starts harassing the alcoholics, can anyone complain? Of course not. He has status and everyone must comply.

That this is a corruption breeder by Nature is also not important. That this world is full of blackmailers and thieves and abusers of privilege is a given. My entire life right now seems to be one big bag of misery simply because the world has decided that I have no status. I have no status, no rights, no laws to protect me and nobody has to do anything because of my status. I’m a Jewish American by passport and birth. The 20 years of teaching is shit, the amount of work done or what I do or what I believe in or my belief that ecology should be recognized is shit. All of the things that make me an individual person, all of my experience and everything I know about life is canceled because of my status.

Truthfully, I think this is a good lesson for Americans. My guess is, none of this stuff is more than a triviality to most people. The reason for this or rather the two reasons for this is firstly, that they have no choice but to deal with their lives as best they can because they have no rights to change their situations. And secondly, it’s just a bunch of ukrainians and Russians. They don’t really have the status to merit worry.

I don’t know. As a cook, I would say this thing is a lasagna of shit on shit on shit on shit on shit. Not a tasty thing to think about. A ridiculous place to be stuck in.

Which would be a very common thought for people unhappy with the regime. Now unfortunately, it is illegal to leave if you are between 18 and 65. Russia is preparing for mobilization. As a poker game, they are going all in. 

Of course, there are two sides to the coin here. Waging a war on someone else’s territory, a US specialty by the way as well as any imperialistic European power over the last of 400 years knows, means your own people are not being bothered. Nobody is firing rockets on Russian territory and Russian people are free to live their lives for the most part. 

On the flip side, it is incredibly impossible to finance such a thing. It is perhaps the greatest waste of resources if there’s no money coming in. It must be remembered that this is an oil War and everything that has been happening since 2014 has been to protect the oil under the Black Sea. Nothing else needs to be considered or thought of.

What’s the answer to the question? I’m dreaming a little bit. I’ve got some pretty compelling Star Trek like fantasies about Putin and his entire general staff getting dropped on a planet and forced to deal with the current Ukrainian hierarchy face to face. I understand that Putin is a Jiu-Jitsu practitioner but he’s getting on in years and he is starting to look a little flabby. No offense Vlad but, you got to say what you see.

As a side note and as long as I’m body shaming, I would like to say that the bureaucrat who is blackmailing me and the chicken woman next door are both fat. It’s hard to say anything bad on this level except that being unhappy in your own skin or in how the world treats you when you’re fat really does play games with people. I’m not saying anything people don’t know. But when you have a horrible fat woman chasing after you, the odds are astronomical that you have anything good coming to you. You know it as soon as you see who’s coming.

For what it’s worth, here’s a little something about health concerning meat and diabetes. You guys really should take this stuff seriously.

***

Well I guess we skip ahead quite a bit. As far as an action day goes, today wasn’t. There was no argument about that. It was a trick to get the gate open and I planned nothing else even close to physical other than that.

In case you’re wondering, Ghenna went exactly with his MO and was a no-show on a Wednesday. You have to keep these things in mind. Ambition on Tuesdays and no show on Wednesdays. When we did talk, he was at least answering his phone today. Mostly bullshit about showing up later on and then how work was in letting him do it. By the end of the day his words were so slurred that it was all just a waste of time. He said that he would show up tomorrow. It’s a coin flip believing this guy. He wanted to make a big deal about a more steel. I told him that we just needed the bloody straw. The trick to this is that I’ve already paid for the straw but more still means more revenue.

But the medical day had me in a fastidious mood so I put in a call to lay not to see if she’d be nice enough to come over and help clean up. I wouldn’t say it was the best cleaning job in the world but she did wash some clothes for me and a blanket that had been overused. She showed up and did her job and even went and got me some onions at the market. This by the way was another failure for Ghenna who said that he could get me a winter bag of onions and then completely forgot about it. Lena is back on the wagon. She was bit angry at me for last week but her enthusiasm for the relationship renewed after we started doing things. She can be rather infuriating both because of her blindness and her inability to stick to a single subject. But she’s happy to be useful so there is that.

I did however get the news about my neighbor Tanya. It was understood that she was drinking almost every day. This was noticeable during the drama two weeks ago. Is she also made one brief appearance a few days ago, you flirted with one or two ideas and never showed up again. I haven’t called her so I really didn’t know what the story was. Apparently, her husband threw her out. Enough was enough. I don’t know if I played a role in this drama or not. It’s not hard to put me or at least my image in these pictures. I guess living in close proximity to an American is quite a high pressure deal. I’m surprised by any demonstration of sanity here.

And then Ria showed up and she had Nina with her. Nina, if you guys are into this writing seriously, was Ria’s suggestion for a helper for me. The relationship didn’t really work out and I didn’t really much like her company. But she made a pleasant face at me when she saw me and I saw her making her pleasant face and watched her mind crank around a little bit. They brought me some berries from the forest which was their reason for being together.

And then I called my man and told him I was done and made my way out to close the fence. Right after I did that, yet another face from town showed up and decided he wanted to talk to me. I know I’m a terrible person but there really is a genuine reason I keep that gate locked. I am not fond of the people who believe it’s interesting to come and see me. I’m not interested in talking about myself believe it or not. I’m not interested in these keep me company alcoholic relationships.

Then I finally got to turn it off and head into the warm room for the night. I really thought everything would be fine and then I checked and noticed that I was experiencing a massive hemorrhage from my leg. No, I’m not on the way to the hospital today. I dealt with it. I don’t think I’ll have any infection. Eventually I’m going to have to, probably even at the end of this week. I’m not feverish and though it was gruesome, I’m a pretty good doctor. It’s not the end but close.